Big Water, Utah-The reported discovery of a new planet, which astronomers believe will be confirmed in a matter of days, has led the astrological community to come together today in the largest gathering of astrological scientists in history for some intense debate on how the science of forecasting the future will be changed.
A number of astrologers are convinced that a new celestial body will, based upon their scientific calculations and measurements, forever alter the way forecasting future events is done. "A new planet changes everything,"American astrologer Clancy Simmons explained. "Before the existence of this new planet was known I might have predicted that a Libra born on October 5th, 1976 might face an obstacle or make a new friend. Now I can accurately say that the person will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer. That's how science works. The process is refined as new information comes in."
Not all astrologers support Mr. Simmon's stance. Dr. Joseph Conway, Hollywood Astrologer and pawn shop owner, is one of them. "I make my predictions based on the movements and locations of the stars so a new planet really doesn't effect what I do. Regardless of how many planets there are, if Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia is out you should probably just stay at home."
Friday, October 5, 2007
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3 comments:
Mr. Knudsen, it's great to know that the science of, um, Astrology, continues to advance. Really, I thought it was stuck out there in the Middle Ages ... or was that the Stone Age ...
Ah well, I never was any good at sorting out what happened when ...
Maybe our new planet will attract more alien visitors! We could have a whole new wave of crop circles! >;o)
Personally, I like the fact that my personal horoscope applies only to 1/12 of the 9 billion people on this planet, and I hope that doesn't change with this very disturbing discovery.
I brought this exact question up with my source on this story and he reassured me that the advances in astrological science coming from this new discover will lead to your horoscope applying to only a mere 8.3333333333333% of people, give or take a few.
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