Atlanta, GA-During an emergency press conference held today in their Atlanta headquarters, it was announced that a recently completed CDC surveillance study involving the determination of cootie levels in a random sampling of children from across the nation revealed a significant increase.
"Then scary thing is that this increase was across the board," Lead investigator Dr. Hammond St. Michelle explained. "So we can't blame this on, say, the recently discovered increases in the number of nerds, geeks, dweebs, goobs and hyperdweebs in most regions. Some of these kids were pretty cool. Jocks, cheerleaders, homecoming queens, girls who put out on the first date, mysterious new kids with dreamy eyes and a troubled past. Nobody was spared."
Dr. Leo Trasande, assistant director of the Center for Children's Health and the Environment at the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York City is very concerned higher cootie levels could lead to more childhood disease and disorders. "We are in an epidemic of cootie related disease among American children today. An effective vaccine against this scourge must become a top priority to medical researchers but I fear that the cootie shot may come too late for many of today's youth."
Elizabeth Whelan, president of the American Council on Science and Health, disagrees. "My concern about this new trend of "measuring" levels of substances in the blood that have been proven to be "deadly" is that people might begin to believe that their children could suffer some kind of harm just because similar levels have been shown to kill mice, or rats, or monkeys or something. Didn't we already go through all of this with second hand smoke?"