Burbank, CA-Heeding the call of researchers at the CDC, who discovered recently that cooties are becoming increasingly widespread among American children, popular actor Shia LaBeouf has emerged to champion the push for more research into the nature of this disease, and the drive for a cure.
"This is going to come as a shock to a lot of people," LaBeouf explained. "But I was diagnosed with cooties just last year. Yeah, they think I picked it up on the set of "Even Stevens", maybe from Christy Carlson Romano but nobody really knows for certain since she refuses to be tested to see if the strains match."
CDC researchers, such as Dr. Hammond St. Michelle, appreciate the added recognition that a star of LaBeouf's caliber brings but they are concerned about cootie research not being taken seriously. "Our understanding of cooties is so minimal at this point. We need to focus on the basics, such as how it is spread from person to person, what is the incubation time prior to the appearance of symptoms, and what can be done to treat already affected persons. We don't want this to become a game of who gave what to whom although in our scientific opinion Cameron Diaz is pretty nasty."