Friday, March 7, 2008

Askimus Maximus: Advice for Daily Living from the Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex.....

(Maximus VII, Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex and CEO of Globodyne Industries)


Don't worry, just Askimus Maximus. Maximus VII that is.

As the reigning Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, and CEO of Globodyne Industries, Maximus VII may not have all of the answers, but he can easily fund a study to find them. And whether you're wondering how to get that cute guy at work to notice you, or stressed about the encroachment of governmental regulatory agencies into your business, just Askimus Maximus.

Dear Maximus VII,

I can't stand my roommate's new boyfriend. He's a total jerk. He's always around, just drinking beer and playing video games, plus he never flushes the toilet. It's disgusting! I really want to say something but I'm afraid she won't understand. Should I just move, or should I risk losing my best friend?

Miffed in Milwaukee

Dear Miffed,

Controlling the actions of every medical doctor in the United States isn't any easier today than when I first wrested control of the medical-industrial complex from Maximus VI nearly 100 years ago in a epic and bloody coup. And in order to maintain complete obedience from my medical and pharmaceutical minions, I've had to learn a few things about conflict management. It's like when someone discovered the cure for cancer in the oil gland secretions of the sasquatch back in 1958. What? You say the sasquatch doesn't really exist? It's a hoax? Exactly. And it took the near total extent of my power to ensure that peons like you think that.

In the old days, when people disagreed with my judgement I ripped the still beating heart from their chest and devoured it as they watched, still conscious enough to grasp the folly of their actions. I miss the simplicity of the past. These days, instead of feasting on the entrails of my enemies, I fire off an email and the New England Journal of Medicine publishes a study, the FDA knocks on a few doors, or my boys in development invent a new disease to treat. If not for my near limitless power, the vast hoard of riches lying in the bowels of my secret fortress on Skull Island, and my Precious Moments collection, my life and its problems might seem as inconsequential as yours.

I hope this helped.

Maximus VII


Vijay said...

Mr. Knudsen, I know a medical blogger who gives such succinct and straightforward answers to the most complicated of life's questions. I guess that guy works for Maximus VII.
Thanks for publishing this. I salute your bravery.

Rob said...

Maximus: I am so thrilled to know we are safe in your hand and that your minions are in such complete control. As a doctor, I bow daily to your picture before prescribing drugs that will fill your wonderful coffers. Thank you for being such a great leader.