Monday, March 31, 2008

Teen Scientist Studies Social Consequences of Early Sexual Debut.....

Montgomery, AL-In an emergency school assembly, held today in the auditorium of Shady Acres High School, 16-year-old junior Clancy Eversoll announced the conclusion of his semester long study of the social implications of early sexual debut among female students for the upcoming annual Science Fair.

"My work conclusively supports the hypothesis that early sexual debut, which is the initiation of sexual activity at an age less than 15 years, is associated with increased popularity and a higher likelihood of being invited to Senior Prom," Eversoll explained.

The results, though scoffed at by both the faculty, and members of the Chess, Audio/Visual, and MMORPG clubs, has already led to unprecedented interest in science amongst student populations not typically involved in the subject. Sophomore Matt McCowen, second-string tight end for the Shady Acres Mighty Sasquatch, is excited about his plans to replicate Eversoll's study. "Science is about the process, not the conclusion. I plan on following Clancy's methodology exactly and I'll accept the outcome whatever it is. And if that outcome helps me doink some freshman girls then I'm pretty much okay with that."

Friday, March 28, 2008

2012 Mayan Calendar to Feature Kitten Hanging from Tree Branch.....

Guatemalan Highlands-According to a team of leading Mayanist scholars, who today announced the findings of a 10-year study of the ancient mesoamerican civilization's complex and elaborate hieroglyphic based writing system, the 2012 Mayan Calendar will feature a kitten hanging from a tree branch accompanied and the words "Hang in there, baby!"

The Mayan Calendar, considered by many to predict the end of the world on December 21, 2012, is well known for the sometimes controversial images chosen to represent various calendric cycles. As of late, the calendar has shifted towards more acceptable pictures, ranging from babies sitting in flower pots and other containers to anthropomorphized animals. The calendar has certainly come a long way considering that just 1500 years ago it was common to find depictions of human sacrifices and horrifying drawings of the Mayan gods of death and putrefaction.

"I couldn't be prouder of the accomplishments of my team," archaeologist and lead researcher Dirk Fletcher explained. "The cat is just adorable, and it's something that everyone can relate to because we've all had days like that, you know. I can't imagine a better image to represent the horrendously violent and bloody destruction of all humanity."

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Point/Counterpoint: Industry-Sponsored Meals for Physicians.....

The Declining Quality of Drug Company Sponsored Dinners is Really Pissing Me Off

By Chevy Newbank MD
West Jefferson Medical Center
Metarie, LA

Is it just me, or are drug companies phoning it in these days? I remember just a few years ago when, in exchange for my presence at a discussion of a new or existing pharmaceutical agent, I could expect a gourmet meal with expertly chosen wine at a fine restaurant. Now I'm happy to get a dry steak and a glass of lifeless and thoroughly corked 2002 Renwood Grandmère Zinfandel at the local Ruth's Chris. It's not just me, right?

As a physician, I have spent years honing my skills as a healer. I have cultivated my natural innate ability to comprehend complex historical information, assimilating sometimes subtle physical exam findings, and translating that into effective patient care. My time is important to me, and it's important to my patients. Is it really too much to ask for a chill-filtered 21-year-old Northern Highlands single malt scotch to complement my 20-ounce ultra-tender Kobe beef burger with exotic mushrooms and microgreens. No, it isn't. Or at least it shouldn't be.

I realize that the issue of accepting meals from pharmaceutical representatives is a controversial issue. But not if you really think about it. I make a living handling complex social situations. Dealing with people has always been easy for me. Other physicians may be swayed by free lunches, note pads, and trips to exotic locales, but my noble spirit remains untarnished and free, free to enjoy my crème brûlée of foie gras with tonga beans and imperial gingerbread pyramid with caramel and salted butter ice-cream without altering my presciption patterns.

Do You Have Any Food To Spare?

By Abebe Abdu
Village youth

Please sir, do you have any food to spare? Just a small mouthfull would be fine. The scraps from your plate perhaps? I am so hungry and weak.

I have travelled far from my village, on foot, to search for food. I happened upon the rotting carcass of a lion today, but the scavengers had picked it clean of meat. To think of the many days it might have provided sustenance for my family is almost too much to bear.

Anything you might be able to provide would be fine. I have so little strength left. Perhaps a morsel of your fine feast would allow me to continue my search for food and clean water for another day. I have never heard of foie gras. Is it some kind of plant? A grain that does not grow in my country? Might I try just a taste?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Energy Researchers Reveal Suprising Solution to US Dependency on Foreign Oil.....

St. Augustine, FL-The growing threat of a global warming induced ecological disaster has led many in the scientific community to begin research into cleaner alternative energy sources, and the cutting-edge investigators from the Quantum Quest School of Advanced Energy Healing are no exception. In an emergency press conference, held today in the show room of a local Honda dealership, members of the team of energy specialists from Quantum Quest announced that they have discovered a virtually limitless source of clean energy.

"Energy in the materialist paradigm is typically thought of as measurable with specific instruments, such as with heat, light, or cosmic radiation," head researcher Clemp O'Callahan, a mind-body healer with over 30-years of experience in energy, explained. "The subtle but powerful aura of energy surrounding each and every human being is equally real, though until now it has been largely ignored by closed-minded skeptics. But with the use of an advanced generation two Superconducting Quantum Interference Device, or SQUID, we have finally proven that our bodies are receiving stations for energy and also, and this is where our research focused, transmitters of this energy."

To the awe and delight of the crowd gathered to hear the team's presentation, a demonstration of the power of human energy involving the connecting of team member Phinneaus McClintock to a 2006 used Honda Insight, was run to illustrate the principles of transforming human energy into mechanical work. "It was amazing," excited bystander Geraldine McClintock revealed. "Everyone could just feel the increased raw power in the car when Phinny was hooked up to it. It sounded like it could drive for miles without any need for a carbon based power source."

Unfortunately, the demonstration was ended before a team of physicists from nearby St. Augustine Technical College could perform tests on the car. Health related concerns were to blame according to the team, which revealed that McClintock had suddenly begun to suffer from aura disturbances. "When I went from my usual orange-red to a dark brown, almost black, I knew I had to call it off." The team is postponing any further demonstrations in order to focus on fundraising.

Now that science has finally caught up with the potential of subtle human energy fields, something that has been well-established in the mind-body medicine community for centuries, the next step according to O'Callahan is translating the bench work into large-scale results. "If we are going to decrease our dependence on fossil fuels, we are going to need a lot of human energy."

O'Callahan and the team are considering a variety of options, ranging from portable devices designed to syphon energy on an individual basis for personal use to massive power plants where literally millions of humans are held against their will as their life energy is slowly drained. He admits that there are pros and cons to each approach. "With one, we may not end up being able to significantly decrease the global carbon footprint, and with the other, there are some potential issues regarding human rights violations."

Further complicating the problem is the need, if the team ends up going with the enslavement of a third of the human population as a clean energy source, to devise a means of meeting the psychological needs of the human batteries. "We're pretty sure they will need entertainment but are torn between plugging them into some kind of illusory simulated reality or just buying a bunch of Wiis."

Monday, March 17, 2008

Elderly Journalist Takes Week Off.....

Back in a week.....

Friday, March 14, 2008

Cryptozoologists Call for More Research into Cause of Global Warming.....

Keyport, WA-As concerns of a causal role of mankind in rising global temperatures mount, a panel of experts in the field of cryptozoology called today for more research into the impact of animals falling outside of conventional zoological catalogs as well as for caution in jumping to etiological conclusions.

"The average dairy cow expels anywhere from 26 to 132 gallons of methane per day," respected cryptozoologist Jay Helgenberger explained. "That's a lot of methane, about what a car produces in a day in fact. If you take into account the established fact that the average sasquatch weighs roughly 2,030 pounds, I don't think you need a plaster mold of that carbon footprint to see it's pretty impressive. And don't even get me started on Nessie!"

The panel of experts made their announcement after a full week of reviewing the cryptozoological literature pertaining to global warming, and watching a number of amateur videos of the phenomenon. "I don't think even the hardiest skeptic could maintain their denial after viewing eleven hours of grainy long distance footage of El Chupacabra clearing millions of acres of rainforest." revealed Helgenberger.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

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OPTI-WASH Redemption incorporates new ingredients to a disinfection/purgation system that has been used for nearly 2,000 years. Alcon, in cooperation with the Catholic Church continues to develop biblically based technology to care for the new types of contact lenses available. This focus has allowed OPTI-WASH Redemption to continue to achieve a high level of disinfection against both bacteria, fungi, and iniquity.

Always use the contact solution prescribed by your eye doctor or priest. Ask your eye doctor or priest if OPTI-WASH Redemption is right for you. Remember, only your eye doctor or priest can determine the contact lens, solution, and reconciliation combination that is right for you.

*OPTI-WASH is a subsidiary of Globodyne Industries, a proud member of the medical-industrial complex. All hail Maximus VII!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Area Man Mumbles Something Under Breath as Girlfriend Walks Away.....

Dearborn, MI-When Dearborn optometrist Jim Grimley quietly remarked under his breath how fat girlfriend Angelle Balhoff looked in a new dress as she walked out of their bedroom yesterday afternoon, the last thing he expected was for her to turn around and ask what he had just said.

"She kept asking how she looked, and if I thought that the dress was fancy enough for some stupid office party we were going to last night," Grimley explained. "I told her, like a million times, that she looked fine and all I kept thinking was how I was missing the Michigan State game and how fat she looked. I can't believe she heard me. I mean, she's got like bat ears or something. It's just uncanny. She's pretty pissed now but she'll hop back on board the Grimley express in no time."

When approached for comment, the visibly shaken Balhoff expressed remorse over the events. "I'm sorry for just wanting to look pretty for one night. I mean, is it too much to ask for a night out of the house where nobody farts or yells at their Playstation."

Update: According to sources inside the home, it has now been confirmed that Ms. Balhoff has reboarded the Grimley express.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Askimus Maximus: Advice for Daily Living from the Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex.....

(Maximus VII, Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex and CEO of Globodyne Industries)


Don't worry, just Askimus Maximus. Maximus VII that is.

As the reigning Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, and CEO of Globodyne Industries, Maximus VII may not have all of the answers, but he can easily fund a study to find them. And whether you're wondering how to get that cute guy at work to notice you, or stressed about the encroachment of governmental regulatory agencies into your business, just Askimus Maximus.

Dear Maximus VII,

I can't stand my roommate's new boyfriend. He's a total jerk. He's always around, just drinking beer and playing video games, plus he never flushes the toilet. It's disgusting! I really want to say something but I'm afraid she won't understand. Should I just move, or should I risk losing my best friend?

Miffed in Milwaukee

Dear Miffed,

Controlling the actions of every medical doctor in the United States isn't any easier today than when I first wrested control of the medical-industrial complex from Maximus VI nearly 100 years ago in a epic and bloody coup. And in order to maintain complete obedience from my medical and pharmaceutical minions, I've had to learn a few things about conflict management. It's like when someone discovered the cure for cancer in the oil gland secretions of the sasquatch back in 1958. What? You say the sasquatch doesn't really exist? It's a hoax? Exactly. And it took the near total extent of my power to ensure that peons like you think that.

In the old days, when people disagreed with my judgement I ripped the still beating heart from their chest and devoured it as they watched, still conscious enough to grasp the folly of their actions. I miss the simplicity of the past. These days, instead of feasting on the entrails of my enemies, I fire off an email and the New England Journal of Medicine publishes a study, the FDA knocks on a few doors, or my boys in development invent a new disease to treat. If not for my near limitless power, the vast hoard of riches lying in the bowels of my secret fortress on Skull Island, and my Precious Moments collection, my life and its problems might seem as inconsequential as yours.

I hope this helped.

Maximus VII

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Scientists Discover Link Between Poor Memory and Low Test Scores.....

County Durham, England-In an emergency press conference held today at a local Beef O'Bradys Pub and Haberdashery, researchers from Durham university announced the discovery of a link between below average memory and educational difficulty.

"Students rely on memory for a variety of school-related tasks, such as remembering things they have heard or read," lead researcher Heathcliff Barclay explained. "Intuitively we've always figured that memory played a role in academic success, but it's taken until now to prove it."

In order to test their theory, the team of scientists developed a cutting edge technique of mimicking the poor memory found naturally in some children, which is believed to be genetic in origin. Using functional MRI, neurosurgeons were able to remove varying amounts of the parts of the brain associated with memory from over 3,ooo children purchased from local families with grant money provided by Globodyne Industries. A direct correlation between the degree of brain reduction and difficulty remembering items from a list was revealed, and shown to be statistically significant.

"We hope that this study will lead to increased awareness and improved recognition of children with poor memory so that they can be properly contained and isolated from society," Barclay revealed. "Only then can these young boys and girls be properly prepared for their role as human cattle in Globodyne's apocalyptic vision of the future."

Monday, March 3, 2008

Astrologers Ask Scientists to Stop Finding Things.....

San Francisco, CA-Still reeling from the February 3rd discovery of comet Chen-Gao, the international community of astrologers have forgotten their long running differences to ask that amateur and professional astronomers stop discovering new celestial objects.

"It is frustrating knowing that every few weeks we have to completely rewrite our charts because somebody with a telescope in their backyard wanted to be famous," Intenational Society for Astrological Research spokesperson Warrick Gerges explained. "Every time a new comet, asteroid, or dwarf planet is discovered we have to start from scratch."

Astrologers aren't the only ones interested in curbing the seemingly unstoppable advance of our understanding of the universe and the cataloguing of astronomical objects. Newspaper editors spend many sleepless nights worrying over these discoveries. New York Times astrology editor Edward Wang has had to stop the presses several times because of newly found future altering entities. "What keeps me up at night is the fear that one day an edition of this paper is going to go out with readings based on old information. Eventually it's going to happen, and someone is going to end up getting hurt waiting for an exciting business opportunity or a compliment from a co-worker that isn't really going to come."