iPod Neuro to be Released Next Month.....

Cupertino, CA-Not satisfied with near total domination of the portable media player market, or the sale of over 140 million iPods since 2001, Apple CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs announced today that his latest product, the iPod Neuro, will revolutionize the industry when it hits store shelves on June 1st.

"This is a complete departure from what consumers have come to expect from the iPod line of products," Jobs explained. "I have a pretty good feeling that the Neuro is going to sell big, and that it is going to serve as a catalyst for bigger and better things for Apple."

Hooked directly into the buyers neuroendocrine system, the iPod Neuro is designed to integrate itself fully into its host, eventually assuming control of a significant number of organ systems and their functions. This biological interface will allow almost instantaneous control over the Neuro's functions without the need to fumble with clumsy scroll wheels. Some concerns emerging from the Spring trade shows, however, are the price, coming in at just under $800, the tendency of users to suffer spontaneous and seemingly random episodes of bowel and bladder evacuation, and the leaked Apple memo revealing plans to create an army of cyborg early adopters.

Energy Researchers Reveal Suprising Solution to US Dependency on Foreign Oil.....

St. Augustine, FL-The growing threat of a global warming induced ecological disaster has led many in the scientific community to begin research into cleaner alternative energy sources, and the cutting-edge investigators from the Quantum Quest School of Advanced Energy Healing are no exception. In an emergency press conference, held today in the show room of a local Honda dealership, members of the team of energy specialists from Quantum Quest announced that they have discovered a virtually limitless source of clean energy.

"Energy in the materialist paradigm is typically thought of as measurable with specific instruments, such as with heat, light, or cosmic radiation," head researcher Clemp O'Callahan, a mind-body healer with over 30-years of experience in energy, explained. "The subtle but powerful aura of energy surrounding each and every human being is equally real, though until now it has been largely ignored by closed-minded skeptics. But with the use of an advanced generation two Superconducting Quantum Interference Device, or SQUID, we have finally proven that our bodies are receiving stations for energy and also, and this is where our research focused, transmitters of this energy."

To the awe and delight of the crowd gathered to hear the team's presentation, a demonstration of the power of human energy involving the connecting of team member Phinneaus McClintock to a 2006 used Honda Insight, was run to illustrate the principles of transforming human energy into mechanical work. "It was amazing," excited bystander Geraldine McClintock revealed. "Everyone could just feel the increased raw power in the car when Phinny was hooked up to it. It sounded like it could drive for miles without any need for a carbon based power source."

Unfortunately, the demonstration was ended before a team of physicists from nearby St. Augustine Technical College could perform tests on the car. Health related concerns were to blame according to the team, which revealed that McClintock had suddenly begun to suffer from aura disturbances. "When I went from my usual orange-red to a dark brown, almost black, I knew I had to call it off." The team is postponing any further demonstrations in order to focus on fundraising.

Now that science has finally caught up with the potential of subtle human energy fields, something that has been well-established in the mind-body medicine community for centuries, the next step according to O'Callahan is translating the bench work into large-scale results. "If we are going to decrease our dependence on fossil fuels, we are going to need a lot of human energy."

O'Callahan and the team are considering a variety of options, ranging from portable devices designed to syphon energy on an individual basis for personal use to massive power plants where literally millions of humans are held against their will as their life energy is slowly drained. He admits that there are pros and cons to each approach. "With one, we may not end up being able to significantly decrease the global carbon footprint, and with the other, there are some potential issues regarding human rights violations."

Further complicating the problem is the need, if the team ends up going with the enslavement of a third of the human population as a clean energy source, to devise a means of meeting the psychological needs of the human batteries. "We're pretty sure they will need entertainment but are torn between plugging them into some kind of illusory simulated reality or just buying a bunch of Wiis."

Astrologers Ask Scientists to Stop Finding Things.....

San Francisco, CA-Still reeling from the February 3rd discovery of comet Chen-Gao, the international community of astrologers have forgotten their long running differences to ask that amateur and professional astronomers stop discovering new celestial objects.

"It is frustrating knowing that every few weeks we have to completely rewrite our charts because somebody with a telescope in their backyard wanted to be famous," Intenational Society for Astrological Research spokesperson Warrick Gerges explained. "Every time a new comet, asteroid, or dwarf planet is discovered we have to start from scratch."

Astrologers aren't the only ones interested in curbing the seemingly unstoppable advance of our understanding of the universe and the cataloguing of astronomical objects. Newspaper editors spend many sleepless nights worrying over these discoveries. New York Times astrology editor Edward Wang has had to stop the presses several times because of newly found future altering entities. "What keeps me up at night is the fear that one day an edition of this paper is going to go out with readings based on old information. Eventually it's going to happen, and someone is going to end up getting hurt waiting for an exciting business opportunity or a compliment from a co-worker that isn't really going to come."

Dane Cook Invited to Join Next Space Mission.....

Houston, TX-In a suprising move by NASA, American comedian Dane Cook has been invited to join the crew of mission STS-122, the next planned space shuttle flight, as it delivers its payload of Columbus, a 23-by-15-feet research laboratory and the future center of the European Space Agency’s activities in space.

“This represents the next phase of the ongoing international mission,” said Michael Sarafin, lead shuttle flight director for STS-122. “We’re finally going to be able to realize the full capability of the space station."

Cook, who has released a number of popular comedy albums and starred in the hit movies Employee of the Month and Good Luck Chuck, which is likely to net the up and coming funny man his first oscar nod, will be undergoing several weeks of intensive training prior to the February 8th launch. Mission Specialist Craig Jergans, who has been assigned the task of preparing Cook for the mission, is excited about the opportunity to work with the 35-year old star of Crank Yankers on Comedy Central. "My role as Mission Specialist will be conducting fluid flow and chemistry experiments as well as shoving Dane Cook into open space."