Washington, D.C.- American citizens across the country are struggling for a variety of reasons during the current government shutdown, but none more so than our nation's conspiracy theorists. These brave individuals have spent the better part of their lives investigating government conspiracy theories and warning the public, all under the threat of being silenced or worse, disappearing altogether. And until the government resumes business as usual, these men and women who are addicted to the thrill of chasing down hidden clues are forced to pursue other interests. Many have nowhere else to turn and are instead focusing on non-governmental conspiracies.
"It's like living in a different country," professional conspiracy theorist David Rickman explained. "For the past four days there have been no contrails, no covering up of any assassinations, no hiding alien artifacts. Nothing!"
Rickman, who has been uncovering government conspiracies for the past three decades, discovered evidence of the government's closure of all conspiratorial functions hidden in plain sight while deciphering the underlying meaning of a speech given by Senator Harry Reid [D-NV] two days into the shutdown. "If you take every third letter of every fifth word of every other sentence, some of the letters can be used to spell 'no state is no more lie'!"
Many conspiracy theorists, unaccustomed to a world where their government isn't setting up a new world order or pretending that their leader is a true U.S. citizen, have already begun to use their considerable talents to discover conspiracies in unlikely places. Rickman, who works part time as a grocery bagger in Oxon Hill, has noticed that many of the traffic lights appear to be linked to some outside force, possibly lizard people, which affects how quickly red turns to green. "I don't now what is going on, but something is, and it's big. 9/11 big. People need to know!"