Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Most Americans Now Born Underwater.....

Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a new study looking into where Americans are having their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

"Although the study did set out to investigate how many people were delivering their babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix, explained. "People have apparently expanded delivery options beyond the more recognized non-traditional locations such as cars, elevators, or their kitchen table."

According to the study, greater than 50% of Americans are delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of a midwife or doula. Mort Fishman MD, medical director of Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that this study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and more natural drug free childbirth. 
"When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of Koi, you won't even consider another species for future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, calming aromatherapy, and this leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue." 
The results of this year long survey may not come as much of a surprise to celebrity watchers. A growing trend among the rich and famous over the past few years, so called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a Discovery Channel reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the entire event. Another episode documented Noah BublĂ©, son of singer Michael BublĂ© and Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute was deployed.

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