Sunday, October 20, 2013

New Study Finds Children in Constant Danger.....

Tucson, AZ-A new study out of the Tucson campus of the University of Phoenix reveals that virtually all children, regardless of their age and location, are in constant and serious danger.

"We certainly don't like the conclusions we've drawn from the study," lead researcher Benjamin Rivera explained. "But the evidence is compelling that your children are almost certainly going to die at any moment from something, and probably not anything you would think of either but something you've never heard of and can do nothing to prevent. Trust us, you won't see this coming."

The study, which consisted of interviews of a random sampling of Hollywood celebrities, hosts of nationally syndicated talk radio programs, politicians, members of the forums, and co-hosts of The View, does have its critics. Mort Fishman, pediatrician and UCLA faculty member, is concerned that the announcements of the study's findings might mislead some parents:
"The media coverage so far has only focused only on nebulous claims of imminent yet undefined danger facing all children everywhere, leaving families to come up with their own nightmare scenarios. And while the data clearly does support the near certainty of every child's painful and agonizing demise at any moment, caregivers must continually be made aware of known issues."

Fishman recommends that parents take at least a few hours of every day to worry about their child being murdered by a stranger, eating mouthful after mouthful of lead based Chinese-made toys, receiving Halloween candies full of shards of glass, catching a deadly communicable diseases like West Nile or multi-drug resistant super herpes, learning about evolution, or catching autism from vaccines. He also asks that they pay it forward by sharing their fears with other parents whenever possible.

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