New York- As a result of the phenomenal success of direct-to-consumer mass media advertising in increasing the awareness of, and prescriptions written for, a variety of medications since the 1970's, New York based pharmaceutical company Phizer Incorporated announced today that it would be expanding its promotional efforts in order to improve market visibility even further.
"Frankly, I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Phizer CEO Jeff Kindler explained. "There are so many children out there without parents or homes, and who haven't yet been named by the state-run facilities where they are stored. Product plugs are vital to our sales so we have worked out a deal where everybody wins!"
After holding newly christened 1-year-old former orphan twins Lipitor and Lyrica Phizer aloft to the throng of reporters at today's press conference, Kindler revealed the company's plans to purchase unwanted infants and toddlers for use in the new program. "Once legal ownership of the children is acquired by Phizer, our recruits will undertake a rigorous curriculum so that by age 5 they will be capable of discussing the fantastic benefits and minimal side effect profile of their namesakes in detail with playmates' parents, daycare workers and any random stranger within a 10-foot radius."