Vatican City- Pope Francis, the seemingly universally beloved 266th Pope of the Catholic Church, was found outside the Domus Sanctae Marthae guesthouse today, seemingly lost and confused by basic Church dogma.
"He was just wandering around St. Martha's Square, nowhere near the Apostolic Palace," Cardinal Secretary of State Pietro Parolin explained. "He was rejecting worldliness and denouncing capitalism, even leaving the door open for the discipline of clerical celibacy to be optional!"
This wouldn't be the first time that a standing Pope has strayed from the traditions of the Church. The shortest reigning Pontiff, Pope Urban VII, attempted to make smoking an excommunicable offense and was believed to have died from malaria after only 13 days on the job in September of 1590, although no mosquitoes were recovered from the scene. Some scholars believe that other controversial Popes have died under mysterious circumstances. Francis, according to Parolin, is not in any danger however.
"I must admit my initial concern when he was found calling for more tenderness, mercy and compassion for homosexuals and women who use contraception," Parolin revealed. "But after a glass of water and a nice visit with the Pontifical Swiss Guard, I am confident that Francis is still a Pope we can count on to limit the rights of women and gays, and protect child molesters from prosecution. I would also like to say that I do fully support more breastfeeding in church."