THE HEALTH PATROL
with Mitch Rangler
Hey Patrollers! After a long and difficult Winter, Spring is finally making its presence known around the country. Soon flowers will be in bloom, releasing their sweet fragrance into the air and signaling the rebirth of the natural world. Spring is a time of renewal, and for many it is a time to break out the cleaning supplies for a little Spring cleaning.
Everywhere I look there are gardens being mulched, rugs being beaten out on the veranda, and hobo bones being carried out to trash receptacles. Come next week, Winter's last remnants will be a distant memory, as will its migrant worker population which had come to seek shelter after the hobo encampments on the outskirts of town were mysteriously burned to the ground. But there is more to Spring than cleaning up your house, or disposing of human remains found in your crawl space.
I use the return of birdsong and honeybee mating calls to remind me that it is also a perfect time to focus on ways to renew my commitment to true health. Part of being a good citizen, and a requirement of my tenancy agreement, is being free of disease. And what better way is there to get a jump start on a healthier lifestyle than a cleansing colonic?
I'm asking all of my Patrollers out there to pay close attention to their bodies and to seriously consider taking a positive step towards a healthier tomorrow. Even if you already think you are healthy, you probably just aren't looking deep enough or have been brainwashed by Ivory Tower eggheads trying to sell you synthetic chemicals. I have ten stools a day, each the size of a marble, just like God intended.
How do you know if you need a colonic? Here is my validated, 100% sensitive and 3% specific, foolproof self-evaluation tool that anyone can do at home. You can't lose!
Ask yourself, do you suffer from any of the following conditions:
Depression, Forgetfulness, Unprovoked Remembering, Drowsiness, Intestinal Bloat, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Indigestion, Nausea, Sinus Problems, Bad Breath and Candida, Constipation, Diarrhea, Flatulence, Arthritis, Dementia, Headaches, Asthma, Allergies, Body Odor, Foot Odor, Insomnia, Chronic Fatigue, or Acne
Have you found yourself using any of the following items or taking part in any of the following activities:
Taking antibiotics, Bathing in tap water, Drinking tap water, Driving in a car in heavy traffic, Hair dyes, Fingernail polish, Standard cleaning products, Toothpaste with fluoride, Eating at Fast food restaurants, Eating shellfish, Using artificial sweeteners, Not drinking enough purified water, Have less than 2 bowel movements daily, Drinking sodas, Walking barefoot on grass, Taking prescription drugs, Windsurfing
Do you suffer from any of the following physical symptoms:
Back pain, Change in appetite, Chest pain, Constipation or diarrhea, Dry mouth, Extreme tiredness, General aches and pains, Headaches, High blood pressure, Insomnia, Lightheartedness, Palpitations, Sexual problems, Shortness of breath, Stiff neck, Sweating, Upset stomach, Weight gain or loss, Windsurfing
So the next time your "doctor" tries to sell you a prescription for science drugs, ask them if they know the difference between dis-ease and true health. Ask them if they know the difference between an enema and a colonic. Ask them why the AMA doesn't return my letters.