Experts Warn Parents of Dangers of Secondhand Gluten Exposure.....

Kenmore, WA- According to new research performed at Bastyr University and published in Online Publishing Module 415 - Fun Food Facts for Kids, passive exposure to airborne glutens in the home is linked to the early onset of a growing number of health problems. Some experts are now saying that there is no "safe" level of exposure to secondhand glutens.

"Some experts are now saying that there is no "safe" level of exposure to secondhand glutens."

 "We have long known that ingested gluten was a risk factor for a variety of complaints but only suspected that it may put others in the immediate area at risk," lead author and Naturopathic Doctor Lola Spring explained. "Our study has quite convincingly shown a link between exposure to airborne glutens and joint pain, skin problems, asthma, fatigue and mental fogginess."

As with secondhand smoke, children are especially vulnerable to toxic effects because they are often confined in enclosed spaces and unable to escape and notify authorities. The study followed more than 2,000 children aged 3 to 18 for a period of one year. During this time researchers measured the amount of gluten in the home using an infrared glutenometer while periodically performing specialized naturopathic diagnostic testing on study subjects for only $59.99. They found that children living in a home where both parents consume gluten on a regular basis were more likely to have problems and require the $99.99 Deluxe Treatment Package or DTP. Isn't the health of your damaged child worth at least forty dollars?

"Isn't the health of your damaged child worth at least forty dollars?"

The researchers were careful to avoid any confounding variables that might have otherwise explained the children's symptoms, such as whether they ate gluten themselves or were just assholes. According to Spring, all of the study participants were locked in a secure hutch for the duration of the study. "Each hutch was constructed of solid oak and had a one foot clearance off of the ground in order to avoid unintentional grounding which may have masked the ill effects of airborne glutens. And each hutch had a wire mesh view port through which ventilation and feeding could occur. I personally oversaw their construction. These were quality hutches!" Post-study interviews 6-months later revealed that the children continued to use their hutches when scared and desiring a safe haven to self-stimulate.

"I personally oversaw their construction. These were quality hutches!"

One of the medical grade hutches used by researchers in the groundbreaking study on secondhand glutens.

While experts like Dr. Spring are calling for the protection of children from secondhand glutens, and for parents who consume gluten to stop being so selfish, some are asking that caregivers and politicians avoid rushing to any conclusions based on the study.

"This is simply one study," Greg Stinson, the director of Gluten for America, a gluten-based Washington D.C. Think Tank explains. "These problems could be caused by a number of other factors. It's an extremely complicated issue that can't be reduced down to unproven scaremongering soundbites like gluten is an evil toxin that I'm paid to promote by a multi-national industry of food manufacturers ultimately controlled by a secret cabal pulling the strings from the shadows."

"...gluten is an evil toxin that I'm paid to promote by a multi-national industry of food manufacturers ultimately controlled by a secret cabal pulling the strings from the shadows."

Ultimately the issue of secondhand gluten comes down to a parents right to make choices about the health of their children. New York City lawmakers are already considering regulations on gluten ingestion in the workplace. Are laws that restrict a parents right to eat pasta in their own home next? Probably. I don't know. I just don't know.