Friday, March 20, 2015

Former Miracle Baby Dies Without Accomplishing Much of Anything.....

Belvidere, NE- Former "miracle" baby and Belvidere native Grover Elkins died today having accomplished nothing of note and established no lasting impact on his community.

Grover Elkins, shown here in a pre-decomposed state, adding nothing to society
"I'll never forget the day he was pulled from that chicken coop," Maynetta Elkins, the mother of the deceased, explained. "Doc Fishman said he'd never seen anyone with injuries like that survive. We all sure thought that God had something special planned for Grover and I don't think it was working as assistant manager at a Dairy Queen for 25 years and then having a heart attack on the toilet."

After being dragged from a backyard sandbox by a coyote, the 9-month-old Elkins sustained countless puncture wounds and lacerations during the vicious mauling. Left for dead by the rabid canine, he was then dragged into the family chicken coop by a neighbor's dog. General practitioner Mort Fishman, who was called to the scene several hours later when the body was discovered, attempted CPR but failed to restore spontaneous breathing and circulation of blood. He was declared dead at the scene.

As Dr. Fishman was preparing Elkins' body for transport to the town corpsery, where it would be processed for the Ritual of Ascendance per town bylaws, the family physician heard a faint moan coming from inside the state issued body bag. "I quickly opened the bag and confirmed a weak and thready pulse. The bastard was alive! At the time, I assumed that he was the vessel for Tealeoni, our Benevolent Lord and Protector, or that he would at least go on to cure cancer or something."

Elkins' funeral was attended by his mother, although she stood far enough back so that people passing by wouldn't make the connection. His position at Dairy Queen was filled within hours of his passing. A letter he had written, meant to be published in Belvidere's local newspaper Ye Olde Nebraskian upon his death, was lost and replaced by an ad for town chiropractor Frank Grimes' Spring into Summer Subluxation Free event.

Chiropractor Frank Grimes is offering a full set of spinal xrays, leg length analysis and 5 minutes in the Cash Grab-O-Tron for only $59! Spring into Summer Subluxation Free!!!

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