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Mitch Rangler
Fully apprenticed Nutritionologist, Presdent and CEO of The Health Patrol, shown here pointing his feelings
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Everywhere you look these days, people are biohacking. But what is biohacking and what can it do for you? Just give you true health, that's what! And if anyone is already thinking up some lame excuse, I have a rabbit punch just for you. A rabbit punch of truth. Besides, biohacking is so easy that any fathead can do it. Even you!
Biohacking is so easy, any fathead can do it!
When you take biology and hack it, you are biohacking. With biohacking, you can change your body and your life from the inside. Like how I eat tapioca every day to smooth out lumpy stools or when I breathe so that I won't die. Biohacking!
Biohack your body with every breath!
Looking for more advanced biohacking, like those people on the television, in that show with all of the ethnics? With my help, you can revolutionize your body down to the molecular level. You'll be able to change your personal genetic blueprint without leaving your house, apartment, or retirement community. That'll show your no good son for just leaving you at that dump one rainy Sunday like the time I drove a homeless man deep into the woods and chained him to a stump.
I don't have a son. Not anymore!
What if I told you that you were only one self-addressed stamped envelope away from the amazing world of biohacking? Still not convinced? You will be after you read my guide to quick and effortless biohacking!
Biohacking!
Biohacking allows you to take control of your own biology, and it couldn't be simpler. Using medical, nutritional, physical, or electronic interventions, you will wake up every day ready to take on the world. Food will taste better. Water will feel wetter. You'll have limited telekinetic powers.
Confused? Scared? Curious? That's stupid. I hate stupid people more than I hate Milton Butts for winning the election for social director. What was his big idea again? Movies? Any baked potato with two thumbs can set up a damn projector. I'll take my creamed spinach in the solarium and leave the show business to that clown.
You may already be biohacking and not even know it. That's right! Here a few common everyday examples:
Examples!
1. Taking A calmative to help relax at the end of a long day, or a refreshing caffeine enema before an important job interview.
2. Surgically hooking a Fitbit to your neuroendocrine system in order to measure erectile torque. Mine is eleven. Well it's at least ten. Fine, it's five on most days but it reached nine that time I found a Mamie Van Doren poster at the flea market.
3. Using hypnosis to get over your fear of opening the bathroom door one day and finding your ex-wife just standing there like the last 30 years never happened. I'm too emotionally crippled? I told her I wasn't the kind of man that understands human emotion during the ceremony!
Essentially, biohacking is a holistic approach to body maintenance mostly based on the idea that what goes into the body impacts how we feel. Optimizing the input can unleash our output and synergize any backwards overflow. You'll experience better mood, improved recall, heightened senses and the ability to pass through solid objects like walls or a 1998 Buick Skylark.
Biohacking is based on ideas and experiences!
Since our aquatic primate ancestors first crawled out of the ocean, we have sought to change our bodies. It’s a fundamental aspect of humanity. Otzi, a 5,000 year old frozen mummy, was discovered possessing a kit full of herbs and even a copper axe. That's some amazing biohacking!
Was Otzi a cyborg? Some people think so. Other people just see the use of tools and medicine as a natural extension of modern technology. Regardless, humans have been improving their bodies since the beginning of time. Thanks to recent advances in technology, it’s now easier to do that than ever before.
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| Mummified human Otzi, shown here staring intently into a camera |
Quick and Effortless Biohacking Basics for Daily Living Success!
1. Standing up straight
Research in actual scientific laboratories has shown that for every inch off of perfect posture your brain and spinal cord experience an additional kilogram of deceleration force. Most people are caught in a vicious cycle of slow-onset decapitation. Every time they look down at a phone or up at a stupid cloud they are one step closer. You don't want your head to just fall off one day when you least expect it?
2. Improve your nutrition
97% of people don't eat enough hexylmethylbananamino acids in the form of fermulated puddings and animal leavings. And yet they wonder why so many people are diagnosed with cancer now compared to 250 years ago.
3. Be one with nature
Sitting on a bench at the park has been proven to result in living longer. Just go to the park and look at the people sitting on benches. See! They are really old.
4. Eat wild foods
Hunting and gathering your foods is an amazing biohacking experience. If you see a carrot just sitting there, take it. Is that a pineapple tree? Conquer it. If it isn't nailed down, it's yours for the grabbing. And that includes Martha Lemmon's pie on the windowsill of 7A. If she doesn't want me taking it, she should put it in a pie cupboard like a decent Christian woman!
5. Drink unprocessed water from random bodies of water
The benefits of scavenging for liquid water should be obvious to anyone with even a non-European training in health and wellness. Processing of water leeches out numerous moleculoids that are better served in our bodies. And if anyone tells you to boil it first, tell them to go to Hell. That means you Scout Master Chuck. I won't let you win! I won't let you ruin the years I have left! I just won't! I....I can't.
6. Breathe fresh natural air
I've said it before, but there is nothing more powerful for biohacking the human body than breathing. With every breath your body rejuvenates its core and expels toxic essences. So go deep into the uncharted wild lands of the world and breathe. Just breathe. Don't tell anyone where you'll be. They won't understand.
7. Natural light
There is nothing worse you can do for your body than to expose yourself to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum sealed canisters is a carcinogen and a poor replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other because the whales suffer before they die.
8. Get a new attitude
Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench, soak up the natural sunlight, and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouch air. You can order pouch air from a variety of amazing sources on my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one.
There is nothing worse you can do for your body than to expose yourself to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum sealed canisters is a carcinogen and a poor replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other because the whales suffer before they die.
8. Get a new attitude
Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench, soak up the natural sunlight, and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouch air. You can order pouch air from a variety of amazing sources on my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one.
9. Biohack with music
That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour.
10. Miscellaneous biohacking tips
-Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen.
-Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and coworkers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside their home or their child's school.
-Drink coffee mixed with chicken fat in a 1:1 mixture. If you can't eat it with a spoon, you stopped adding chicken fat too soon.
That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour.
10. Miscellaneous biohacking tips
-Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen.
-Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and coworkers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside their home or their child's school.
-Drink coffee mixed with chicken fat in a 1:1 mixture. If you can't eat it with a spoon, you stopped adding chicken fat too soon.
Everyone can benefit from biohacking!
Who can benefit from biohacking? Every single man, woman, and child on the planet, that's who. And don't forget pets. Did you know you can biohack a dog to retrieve useful objects like a newspaper or your favorite pair of slippers. You can biohack a cat to shit in a box. Amazing!
Does your cat shit in a box? Mine does!
But who can benefit the most from biohacking?
-People who feel like they can do better
-People who feel like they can do better
-Anyone who sometimes has trouble paying attention during complex and uninteresting meetings or lectures
-People who think that they could be healthier
-People who think that they could be healthier
-Anyone interested in improving themselves in some way
-Cats that are still shitting in piles of clothes in your bedroom
-Cats that are still shitting in piles of clothes in your bedroom
Good luck!
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