Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Wendy's to Introduce Naturally Formed French Fries.....

Dublin, OH- In an effort to win over increasingly health conscious American diners, the Wendy's fast food restaurant chain will begin offering naturally formed french fries in select West Coast locations this Summer.
All Wendy's naturally formed fries are made from organic Idaho russet potatoes each individually hugged by kittens right up until harvest 
"We took the fast food world by storm with our natural-cut fries back in 2011," Wendy's founder Dave Thomas's official corporeal vessel and Vice President of Postmortal Communications Brabara Bloodstone explained. "People don't just want high quality ingredients that their grandmother would have had in her kitchen, or that were concocted in some laboratory on Skull island. They want to know that what they are eating has a genuine connection with nature that is maintained right up until they shove handfuls of it down their gullets, barely even taking the time to chew more than once or twice."

According to Marketing Control Program 10.1, Wendy's naturally formed fries will revolutionize the fast food experience because at no point in their journey from "spud to sphincter" will they be processed in any way. In fact, they won't even be touched by human hands at all. "All of our fries will be compassionately collected by trained non-GMO monkeys only after all-natural elements, such as wind and water, have eroded the potato into bite size chunks, but before it has become unpalatable due to mushiness and rot." 

Wendy's naturally formed fries will be priced a stone's throw from what customers are comfortable paying for their current fries, coming in at just under $10 per fry. Customers can also personally select which individual fries they would like to be placed in Wendy's new Native American Dreambasket™ as well as which artisinal dipping sauce they would like hand painted onto their fries by area art students, homeless people, and homeless art students. All fries will be lightly coated in Dead Sea salt and prayed over by Latvian monks for a minimum of 6 weeks.

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