Pfizer Announces Expanded Line of Zithromax Cough and Cold Remedies.....

New York- The pharmaceutical company Pfizer has announced plans to release an expanded line of Zithromaximum over-the-counter cough and cold remedies inspired by their popular antibiotic Zithromax. The new products will complement the earlier rollout of Zithromaximum Cough Relief Sprinkles, which was the first cough medicine specifically designed to be sprinkled on Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

Aziz Ansari (shown here not sexually assaulting anyone) 

"Those money spewing flesh widgets just love Zithromax," Pfizer President and CEO Ian Reed explained. "It's the most popular antibiotic on the market for a reason. We've got focus groups where toddlers will ask for this stuff by name. Fucking toddlers, I shit you not! And the cough sprinkles? Huge! I'm talking boner pill huge."

According to Reed, consumers can expect to get the same kind of relief from their viral respiratory symptoms with an over-the-counter Zithromaximum product as they do when Zithromax is prescribed by a physician for a serious bacterial infection presenting with the exact same symptoms. He literally said that to me. And then we shook hands on it. And he looked me in the eye like a man.

Zithromax is a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, an older antibiotic that was discovered one day under a pile of rocks in the Philippines. It works by inhibiting bacterial growth through the disruption of protein synthesis. It has been one of the most popular antibiotics in America for over a decade, primarily prescribed to treat respiratory tract infections, chlamydia, and physician uncertainty. The new cough and cold products won't contain any actual Zithromax, which can only be obtained by prescription, but the word will be featured prominently on the label so that even a stupid kid can see it.

"The new products will give customers more control over the experience of their illness," Mort Fishman MD, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, explained. "These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors contained in a unique formulation. There just aren't any cough and cold products on the market that are more effective. Not one."

According to Fishman, the additions to the product line will include Zithromaximum-AM with Caffeine, Zithromaximum-PM with Benadryl, Zithromaximum Pain and Fever Relief with Tylenol, and Zithromaximum After Dark. "Zithromaximum After Dark will contain a proprietary blend of secret ingredients. I can't tell you what's in the blend exactly, but I can say that it's about 90% ground up tree frog."