Koko the Gorilla on Fast Track to Sainthood.....

Vatican City- Less than a month after her death at the age of 46, world famous gorilla Koko is on track to be canonized faster than any primate in recent memory according to sources within the Vatican.

Daniel Thompson, a Ugandan mountain gorilla, shown here using a combination of American Sign Language and International Morse Code to describe the miraculous resolution of a severe respiratory infection after having a vision of Koko.

"We are close to approving a third miracle attributed to Koko," Cardinal Secretary of state Pietro Parolin explained. "On one hand, I'm not surprised given her amazing ability to understand and use human language. But if you had told me a month ago that she would meet the requirements faster than that monkey from Friends, I'd have been like, could that...be any more unlikely? See what I did...like Chandler."

When it comes to determining who qualifies for sainthood, there are very specific guidelines. According to Parolin, protocol requires that any non-human, non-feline, animal perform three miracles after it has died. "That's one more than what is expected from human saints, who are generally preferred after that time Saint Lassie ate Jesus's last pizza roll."

Connected Eating is Growing in Popularity and Farmers are Baffled.....

Sacramento, Northern California- When Central Valley farmer Jim Jabernathy walks through his fields every morning, he expects to find the occasional mouse or corn possum. But since the Spring thaw, he has been on the lookout for something he considers to be an even greater pest: people. Calling themselves "connected eaters", believers in the latest diet fad are growing in numbers, and this is leaving farmers like Jabernathy no choice but to take drastic measures.

A child connected eating blueberries straight from the bush, shown here mere moments before being mauled to death by an enraged mother bear. The bear, whose confused cub had been following the child's mother and eating blueberries straight from her pail, was oblivious to this children's literary reference.

"I thought I'd seen it all from folks 'round here," Jabernathy explains. "I've seen a lot of fad diets in my time, from paleo to those people who won't eat anything with chemical bonds. My daughter even started strafing last year. But this just beats all. Just yesterday I had to run off about thirty of 'em from my best kale patch! They were like locusts."

What is connected eating? And why are farmers installing razor wire fences and therapy/perimeter defense badgers? Proponents are quick to point out that eating connected food has numerous health benefits, but are they worth the risk? Proponents think so. But why? And how? What?

Connected eating involves the consumption of unharvested food that is still attached to the plant. Believers say that simply eating unprocessed and raw whole foods isn't enough. They want to experience the severing of the food's connection to it's life source, to absorb its essence. Some proponents liken the experience to Earthing, the science of connecting to the Earth's natural energy in order to achieve vibrant health.

Dietary Folklorist Allen Levitzky, author of Food Tribes: How What We Eat Defines Who We Are, is an expert in fad diets. He sees connected eating as just the next step in mankind's dietary journey. "The belief that nature holds the key to health and longevity has been around since the first caveman looked at the world around him, not with fear, but with curiosity and hunger. I like that. Use that one."

Farmers aren't the only ones that are concerned about the connected eating trend. Medical experts, like Sacramento Interventional Culinologist Mort Fishman, warn that it may increase the risk of foodborne illness and blood levels of toxic pesticides. "I drive though a lot of farmland, and every week I see them crawling around on their hands and knees covered in dirt and partially chewed spinach. This is what we've become. Just mindless animals."