Controversial NCCIH Reiki Study Halted After Unexpected Patient Deaths.....

Bethesda, MD - A multicenter study designed to compare the efficacy of an individualized reiki session to cardiac defibrillation in patients with ventricular fibrillation has been stopped after the death of several participants.

Study subject #7, shown here failing to respond to an individualized reiki treatment for ventricular fibrillation, probably because of his bad attitude

"We are all pretty upset about what happened," Pam Fender, a Level 7 Cardiac Reiki Master (CRM) and lead investigator at the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NCCIH), explained. "Honestly, if we had known ahead of time that manipulating human energy fields would fail to restore a perfusing cardiac rhythm, we wouldn't have done the study."

Reiki, an ancient technique that involves the channeling of healing energy through touch from practitioner to patient in order to activate innate restorative processes, can have powerful subjective effects. According to Fender, however, it does have limitations. "Reiki energy comes from an infinite source, but it is only as effective as the person doing it. It's not magic. It takes training."

Previous reiki studies funded by NCCIH had found that group reiki, sometimes called a "reiki share", is not helpful in the management of life-threatening heart rhythm abnormalities either as the primary treatment or as a complement to Western defibrillation. Fender, who recently achieved Level 7 by grinding experience points treating middle-aged women with fatigue, had been confident that individualized treatment would be proven efficacious in a clinical trial. "In the group setting, there isn't time to individually assess imbalances. Sure it's nice to have a casual atmosphere of friendship, honor, positive energy, and devotion, but a one-on-one relationship both expedites and magnifies a therapeutic alliance."

Despite the optimism of the research teams involved in the study, the complete lack of any benefit in patients in ventricular fibrillation, a dangerously rapid and irregular heartbeat that doesn't provide effective circulation of blood around the body, was apparent from the very beginning. According to NCCIH Director Helene Langevin, this is just how science works. "This is why you do the studies. Every dead end, no pun intended, is an opportunity to learn more. Maybe reiki just doesn't restore a healthy perfusing rhythm, or maybe these subjects weren't open to the process because of a lack of motivation and focus."

Area Hospital Helps Employees Plan for a More Comfortable Retirement.....

Meridian, MS - The employees of Meridian's Fisk Memorial Hospital love their jobs, and now they are less worried about their financial future as they plan for retirement. Ever since management instituted a new policy of matching employee 401(k) retirement fund investments, and a bi-weekly staff member execution, morale has soared.

Fisk Memorial staff, shown here celebrating a 100% match of employee 401(k) contributions up to 5% and surviving another twice monthly culling

"We can't believe these results," Chief Medical Officer Mort Fishman, MD explained. "I walk around the place now and see cleaner floors, fewer medical errors, and there are smiles on everyone's faces. The staff is thriving and they are able to put more away for the future. And our patient satisfaction scores are through the roof! Everybody wins!!!"

Not every hospital employee is fully on board with the new policy at Fisk Memorial. According to Central Supply technician Hector Sanchez, the random killings are a big problem. "The benefits are really great. It's wonderful being able to imagine a comfortable retirement where my wife and I can travel and truly enjoy our remaining years. Still, I'm thinking about quitting."

American Pediatricians Update Childhood Vaccine Recommendations.....

Itasca, IL - The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), the largest professional association of pediatricians in the United States, has updated it's official policy on childhood vaccines.

Human child Sample Wellington, shown here getting her vaccines with dedication and poise, which is something that maybe only one in two thousand kids can do

"What? Oh, vaccines? Yeah, we have vaccines," AAP President Sandy Chung, MD explained. "I mean, sure they've saved like a bunch of lives, but kind of boring, if you ask me."

In the new policy statement, the AAP makes it clear that vaccines are fine and that lots of people have benefited from them. According to Chung, however, they aren't the only option. "Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against vaccines. Remember that time they got rid of smallpox? You can choose vaccines or something else. You can pick."

Another change made in the 2023 update is a focus on how vaccines aren't really for everybody. Chung, who was elected to lead the AAP beginning in January, is particularly concerned that some people just aren't vaccine material. "No, no, you're cool. I'm just not sure that you're...vaccine cool. Can we maybe interest you in some vitamins instead?"

Most importantly, the AAP doesn't want to tell people what to do. Chung, who has held more than 30 state and national leadership positions, believes that you are smart and capable of making up your own mind. "We could just tell you that vaccines are safe and effective at preventing a number of serious diseases, but we respect you too much to assume that you don't already know that."

Finally, the statement emphasizes that caregivers have plenty of time to think about the decision to allow their children to be vaccinated. In fact, Chung, who received her medical degree from the University of Virginia and has published articles on telemedicine, virtual learning, and health information technology, thinks that rushing into a decision isn't a good idea anyway. "Is your child even ready? I mean, would they even sit still for a vaccine? Some kids just develop at a slower pace than others but we still love them anyway, right?"

Reeling Salt Water Industry Hires PR Firm to Improve Image.....

Cranston, RI - After decades of stagnant sales outside of industrial markets, and a series of colossal public relations disasters, the saltwater industry is hiring the prestigious Howell & Jolly public relations firm for help improving its image.

Josh Brolin, shown here holding his pet wahoo, isn't just the spokesperson for salt water, he's uses it every day

"15 percent of all the water used in the United States is salt water," Howell & Jolly publicist Fran Weatherbee explained. "We know that people are using it, they just aren't speaking up. We recognize the hit that salt water has taken from the 2011 disaster at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant, and of course Hurricane Ida in 2021, but we are poised to make a big comeback."

Howell & Jolly recently issued a press release discussing a series of television and radio ads, as well as increased product placements in movies and television programs geared towards increasing public awareness. They have hired actor Josh Brolin, star of such high profile hits as The Goonies, Thrashin', and No Country for Old Men, as well as the voice of Thermos in the popular children's movie The Half Empty Thermos on the Island of Make Believe Magic, to serve as a spokesperson for the industry. They are counting on the award winning actor to reach a broader range of potential consumers.

"Until now, roughly 92% of saltwater has been used to cool thermoelectric-power industry equipment," Brolin revealed during a recent interview on Fresh Air with Terry Gross. "Now don't get me wrong, that's an important service. I mean, let's see Vitaminwater cool a power plant or crack shale! But when you look deeper and really peel that onion, there is just a lot more there."

The salt water industry is hoping that the Oscar-nominated Brolin will give the ailing liquid's image a boost. In one ad, set to begin appearing on buses in most major American cities this month, an image of the Jonah Hex star in cowboy attire appears above the quote, "I like my movies to have heart, my women fire, and my water, well, I like my water with a little salt."

Representative Crenshaw Introduces Protect Our Schools Act.....

Washington, D.C. - Representative Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) introduced the Protect Our Schools Act of 2023 last week to implement a series of defensive barriers and other measures designed for schools to prevent mass shooting incidents.

Bodiam Castle in East Sussex, shown here with its protective moat, did not experience a mass shooting during the 14th century 

"These school shootings are tricky," Crenshaw explained. "They are random, unexpected, and unlike criminal activity which can be targeted and prevented through law enforcement. There is just no obvious factor they all share and that could be addressed with some kind of common sense legislation that a majority of Americans support. It's so frustrating. Ugh!"

The bill would focus on improving the defensive capabilities of the nation's more than 130,000 schools. As an increasing number of child educational facilities have experienced attacks, many continue to rely only on locked doors and plans to hide or take cover from assailants. More than 99% of schools don't have a moat, and the small number that do have a body of water at least partially surrounding the buildings where children can be found aren't maximizing its ability to hinder an assault. 

"A moat is a deep ditch surrounding a facility that can be left dry or filled with water," Rep. Crenshaw revealed. "A variety of obstacles or deadly underwater creatures, such as sharks, piranhas, or electric eels, can be added to a moat in order to increase its ability to protect our kids."

Crenshaw and his Republican colleagues in Washington have raised concerns that the Biden administration is failing to secure schools. According to the Congressman, the Protect Our Schools Act would provide teachers and school administrators with the necessary resources and tools. "The best offense is a good defense, but there is also a time to fight. This bill would fund the placement of an infantry platoon in every school, so if the moat is breached, any would-be shooter would be staring down the barrel of two M240 machine gun teams and two close-combat missile teams armed with Javelin missiles."