New Television Show Stirs Scientific Controversy.....

Chicago, IL- The upcoming premier episode of ABC Television's legal drama "Eli Stone", which is being purported by industry insiders to endorse a link between autism and childhood vaccinations, is stirring up a heated debate amongst scientists, doctors, and anti-vaccination proponents.

The episode features a lawyer, who may or may not be having prophetic visions, involved in a civil suit claiming that a child's autism resulted from the flu vaccine. He argues for the placement of blame to be on the vaccine manufacturer and wins, leading to a large cash award for the child's family and, on the other side of the fourth wall, an angry response from the medical community.

"Perpetuating the myth that vaccines cause autism is irresponsible at best," Emperor Maximus VII, supreme overlord of the alliance of the American Medical Association, Amercian Academy of Pediatrics, and the Pharmaceutical Industry, explained. "If parents watch this program and choose to deny their children the health benefits of routine immunizations, both the offices of the American Broadcasting Company and the streets of Disney World will run red with the blood of my enemies."

These blatant attempts at censorship by the American medical and pharmaceutical establishment aren't being taken lightly by journalist and First Amendment scholar David Kirby, who has fought for years to bring the truth of the connection between mercury from vaccines and autism to the public. "I'm not anti-vaccine. I think vaccines are great for some people in some cases, just not for people who don't want their children to get autism. And I've got a pile of press releases this high to back up my claims."

But what does John Q. Public think? How do regular folks, without the benefit of scientific, medical, or journalistic expertise in the etiology of autism feel about the controversial program. Area Jo-Ann Fabrics manager Stacy Harbst, along with many others, is relieved. "It's nice just to have more options. Working all day, and raising a family, doesn't allow a lot of time to educate myself on important topics like this. I don't know much about autism, or vaccines, but I am happy to know that in addition to Oprah and Parade Magazine, I can now obtain reputable science and health information from a prime time fictional television show."

This Week's ER the Most Powerful Episode Yet.....

Burbank, CA-In an effort to improve this season's plummeting ratings, the producers of ER announced today that this week's episode will be the most powerful ever.

"Over the past few years, we've claimed that a number of episodes were the most powerful ever, or had an ending you had to see to believe," ER creator, producer, and writer Michael Crichton explained. "But we really mean it this time."

The show, thought by many to be past its prime and fading into irrelevance, is known for its exciting plot twists. Many critics, however, are declaring the announcement to be just more empty Hollywood hype, but Crichton isn't backing down. "In one episode, a while back, a tank crashed into the place. Well this time there's gonna be two tanks and a hovercraft. Plus we've got Doug Ross returning and he's a robot, The Muppets making a cameo as a band injured in a bus crash, and guess who's an alien. Let's just say that the ending is going to be out of this world. Literally!"

Coma Patient Discovers Cancellation of Gilmore Girls.....

Chicago-Upon awakening today from a comatose state she had been in since an automobile accident in late 2005, Claire Petrie was disappointed to learn that her favorite television show, Gilmore Girls, had been cancelled.

"I can't believe it. The first thing I thought of when I woke up was the show." she revealed. "Did Luke and Lorelai stay together? Wait, don't tell me!"

Neurologist Sam Gillford, pleased with Ms. Petrie's sudden regaining of conciousness, is concerned that she will be distracted from the long and difficult rehabilitation ahead. "Look, if I were in her shoes I'd probably be going throught the same emotional roller coaster. I mean, she has a lot to get through in the coming weeks. Luke and Lorelai split up. Lane becomes pregnant, and with twins! And don't even get me started on the whole Rory and Logan debacle. I just don't see why those two couldn't work things out you know."