Zoo's People: Area Teen Lobotomized After Clerical Error.....

Baton Rouge, LA-Local bass player and freelance conversationlist John Bossier was lobotomized today during a routine dental check-up when a minor clerical error occured during the filing of form A74-9.

"Nothing like this has ever happened before," Ed Sutton, office manager of Dental Dan's House of Dentistry, explained. "But I'm starting to question why we even include the option of lobotomy on the patient information forms. It isn't even a dental procedure."

The error appears to have occured when Mr. Bossier, who has been reduced to a childlike state of giddy abandon after having the connections to and from his prefrontal cortex hacked away with the use of a standard universal curette, a dental tool that is more commonly used to scrape deposits from teeth enamel, checked a box requesting a lobotomy in addition to a standard cleaning and xray imaging package. "I like horsies!"

Bossier's mother, who plans to keep the former collector of hand-painted tin soldiers locked in a cage in the basement of their family home, remains upbeat in the face of such a devastating setback. "A lot of people would have trouble finding the silver lining in all of this. But despite having a significant portion of his brain severely and permanently impaired, John has already found new ways of communicating. He can point to the things he wants, he laughs when he's happy, he cries when he's sad, and when he's scared he tinkles."

Jessica Alba Launches New Line of Upscale Babies.....

Los Angeles, CA-Popular film and television actress Jessica Alba announed this week during a gala celebration at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center that she has launched a new line of upscale infants.

“This is something that I have been interested in doing for such a long time,” Alba said. “I was just waiting for the perfect opportunity for it to be done right so that I wouldn't let down my fans, or the world at large, which looks to celebrities, and the aesthetically elite, to produce beautifully crafted newborns for a variety of important uses such as genetic research and societal placation, or as Gifts of State for visiting foreign dignitaries."

But Alba hopes that people will come to see her work as more than just another line of babies designed by yet another celebrity. “I want my spawn to be loved by the public as well as to be taken seriously by the critics. I am constantly amazed at how my uterus was able to listen to my ideas and truly bring them to life, and I think that the hard work I've put into this effort really shows.”

Klassic Knudsen: August 24, 2007.....

Amish Man Has Some Serious Thinking To Do

Lancaster County, PA-Amos Lapp, a highly respected member of the Lancaster County Amish community, was forced to reconsider his disbelief in electricity after being struck by lightning during a severe thunderstorm last month.

"I want to give thanks to God for his blessings and his merciful sparing of my life," Mr. Lap explained during a press conference held today in the auditorium at Lancaster General Hospital in recognition of his discharge home. "But to be honest, I've got a lot of thinking to do. A lot of thinking."

"Mr. Lapp's personal physician Mort Fishman described his recovery from the extensive electrical burns, and subsequent multiple organ dysfunction syndrome, as an example of the wonders of modern medicine. "A hundred years ago we would have thought that Mr. Lapp had an excessive amount of one of four bodily humors. Today we know that he has a small troll living in his belly."

Irreducible Complexity Through the Ages.....

Editorial

by MC Nutz

The proverbial nail in the coffin of evolution, and the naturalistic dogma that flimsily supports the patchwork of silly notions that has become Darwinism in the 21st century, is the concept of irreducible complexity. Since human history began some six to ten thousand years ago, a steady stream of irreducible complexities have been discovered, each of which easily disproves the "theory" that blind chance alone led to mankind taking its place as the pinnacle of creation. And floundering proponents of Darwinism have yet to answer the challenges brought forth by the mere existence of them.

I could go on about complicated topics like bacterial flagella, the human eye and the intricate cascade of blood clotting factors in vertebrate species, all of which are areas of intense scientific study in the Intelligent Design community. But why risk alienating the average joe with such high level scientific jargon when there are so many examples of irreducible complexity all around us. And I'm not just talking about the large ball of flame that hovers in the sky every day.

Where do babies come from for instance? Metaphysical naturalists like Dick Dawkins might be able to come up with some ridiculous notion about alien implantation, but we aren't falling for it. Michael Ruse seems to think that human infants form on a matrix of clay crystals. I'm not buying it. So Dick, where do babies come from? Seriously, where do they come from? I have no idea. But I do know that babies are not a random mutation. Nice try Darwin.

Local Man Fulfills Ancient Prophecy at Area Piggly Wiggly.....

Homewood, AL-After years of anticipation, Homewood barber Cleve Willet purchased a ham from the Piggly Wiggly on Montgomery Highway, thus fulfilling a centuries old prophecy that had been passed down from generation to generation in the upscale Jefferson County suburb.

"I knew it was going to happen sooner or later," Willet explained. "The question now is where do I go from here. What else do the heavens have in store for 'ol Cleve?"

The citizens of Homewood, no strangers to divinely inspired revelations regarding convenience stores, supermarkets, and discount department stores, are now looking forward to City Council President J. “Ginger” Busby's announcement that Chick-fil-A cashier Ernestine Goodford will very soon buy a back-up generator from Lowe's.

Thuggee Cult Members Outraged over Rerelease of Indiana Jones Movie.....

Lakhnauti, India-The secret network of Indian bandits and murderers known as the Thuggee have condemned the rerelease of the 1984 film "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" as crude, anti-cult propaganda that makes a mockery of their history, and are demanding that the movie be banned from Indian screens.

"Our portrayal in this movie is an outrage," Thuggee leader Rola Mam explained during a press conference held today in Pankot Palace. "We are simple folk, eeking out a living by befriending naive travellers and strangling them with our scarves. Even the thought of enslaving children to aid us in our quest for world domination is preposterous. May they all suffer the sleep of Kali Ma!"

Mam is considering pursuing legal action to put a halt to the film's rerelease, citing severe emotional and psychological trauma as well as loss of income as motivating factors. A statement from cult psychiatrist Mort Fishman reveals that Mam has been diagnosed with both clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. "He basically feels like the heart has been plucked from his very chest. Sure he'll take part in a dangerous mine car chase when the need arises, but the joy is gone."

Outdated Fire Safety Technique Receives Much Needed Update.....

Quincy, MA-For the first time in nearly fifty years, the National Fire Protection Association has issued an update to its highly succesful "Stop, Drop and Roll" technique in an effort to combat increasingly resistant fires.

"I remember when catching on fire wasn't much more than a minor and temporary inconvenience," NFPA President and CEO James M. Shannon explained. "But lately it seems like a day doesn't go by that I don't see some poor bastard rolling around in flames and frankly it's about time we stepped up and tried to do something about it."

In addition to rising numbers of acute fire related conditions, chronic inflamedness related to stop, drop and roll resistant fire, or SDRRF, is also being seen more frequently according to fire epidemiologists like Blue Paulson. "Recent studies have revealed that about one out of every 450 people is chronically on fire. That's pretty scary."

The updated technique will continue to feature the familiar three initial steps, but includes a complicated fourth maneuver developed by a Blue-Ribbon Panel of fire safety experts and choreographers. The fourth step involves a series of jumps and twists, and culminates in a lengthy shimmy. The NFPA is planning to reveal the improved technique to the world during the upcoming Beijing summer olympics, where the American Men's 4 x 800 meter relay team will complete while entirely engulfed in flames.

Klassic Knudsen: August 21, 2007.....

Class Nerd Really a Knockout

Savannah,Georgia- Classmates of Becky Belval were shocked this morning when the previously awkward and unpopular Chess Club president arrived, having become the most beautiful girl in the school and now certain to win the Homecoming Queen election in which she had been entered as a joke.

"This whole year I've had this crush on Brad, the arrogant captain of the football team, but I've been shy and he hasn't noticed me," the now radiant Belval explained. "But now I've realized that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, or how popular you are. All that really matters is what's on the inside."

After the intial wave of excitement set off by Ms. Belval's transformation into a super sexy and confident vision of beauty by simply removing her glasses and letting her hair down, senior Brad Remington remarked "Dude, I'm totally going to nail that chick at prom! Unless the goofy nerd that's been in love with her since they were kids figures out some way to foil my plan."

Kangaroos No Match for Australian Army.....

Canberra, Australia-Australian authorities announced today that a detachment of highly-trained anti-kangaroo special forces were successful in their campaign to wipe out a gathering of roughly 400 of the animals on the outskirts of Canberra, although casualties were higher than expected.

"Once negotiations fell apart, and non-lethal methods of dispersing the crowd of suspicious marsupials met with considerable resistance, we had no choice but to unleash hell," General Zane Yabsley, Chief of the Anti-Kangaroo Defense Force, explained. "If only we had realized earlier the folly of engaging the vicious macropods in close quarters combat, we could have avoided the loss of so many young lives in the ensuing melee."

One of the least among the combatants would become the true hero of the battle when Private Fred "Digger" Macpherson discovered the kangaroos' weakness against military artillery. "When I noticed that a well placed M107 155mm high explosive shell from one of the M198 Howitzers would take out every one of the hopping bastards in a 50 meter radius, I knew that the day would be ours despite their superior boxing skills."

New Study Finds Fecal Contamination in Organic Diapers.....

Franklin, TN-As more parents are turning to expensive and unproven natural alternatives in caring for their young children, a new study on diaper safety has revealed that some organic diapers may contain high levels of fecal contamination.

The study, published today in the Journal of the Medical-Industrial Complex (JMIC), evaluated randomly chosen organic cloth diapers being worn by infants in Franklin's Cool Springs Galleria, and concluded that "the observation of fecal matter, and the presence of fecal microorganisms, in significant numbers of the organic cloth diapers studied was unexpected, and lends support to claims by some experts that these products are not safe for use by human infants."

"The numbers speak for themselves," principle investigator Juanita Gomstock explained. "And it isn't just fecal material. We found yeast, fungi and large amounts of urea as well, so I can't in good faith support the use of organic cloth diapers. I just can't."