Experts are Warning Parents About New Halloween Dangers.....

Washington, DC - Pediatric safety experts and politicians in Washington are teaming up to warn parents about potential new dangers to be on the lookout for this Halloween.

6-year-old Timmy Watkins, a convicted drug trafficker shown here with enough iocane covered raisins to kill every man, woman, and child in Pittsburgh, died in police custody last week

"Iocane powder has no odor, no taste, and will dissolve instantly when sprinkled on candy," Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) explained during a recent press conference. "That means loose M&M's, Skittles, and even raisins, which are nature's candy, are a threat to children."

The Commission on Safety for Kids (CSK), a Republican effort to ensure that children aren't exposed to anything dangerous on Halloween, is asking for parents to be wary of any loose candy or treats handed out in homemade bags. According to CSK spokesperson Cassie Frumph, it only takes exposure to one unsafe or thought provoking trick or treat for a child to die or ask uncomfortable questions. "Halloween is about having fun, and fatal car accidents, not exposure to deadly poisons or new ideas."

The CSK has released a list of items for parents to watch for on October 31st, particularly when inspecting their child's Halloween haul:

1. Loose candy

2. Woke

3. Tiny immigrants

4. Abortion stickers

5. Puberty blockers

6. Drag queens reading books 

7. Gay dads

8. Wind turbines

9. Critical race theory

10. Black people voting

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial
by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Experts Urge Parents to Check Kids' Presents on Christmas Morning.....

 Atlanta, GA - Child safety experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta are urging parents to check their child's wrapped gifts for hidden dangers this Holiday season.

This mogwai, which was discovered in a Christmas present in 2019, is capable of producing enough gremlins to kill the population of San Francisco.

"Every Halloween, parents are warned to watch out for razor blades, needles, and marijuana edibles in the treats that their children bring home," CDC Director Rochelle Walensky explained. "We want them to understand that the same level of risk that exists in Halloween candy can also be found in wrapped gifts that young children are potentially exposed to. Last year a kid in Lubbock opened a present from her uncle and it was just a brick of pure fentanyl."

The CDC is planning an awareness campaign aimed at tackling wrapped gift dangers that will begin the day after Thanksgiving. According to Dr. Walensky, parents and other caregivers should be on the lookout for a wider variety of potentially harmful contents than what might be found in Halloween candy, and they should focus on more than just Christmas presents. "Frankly we are concerned whenever a child is opening a wrapped gift. This includes birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and also Quinceañeras."

CDC Safety Tips for Checking Wrapped Gifts

-Wait until children are home to check and open presents.

-Don't rely on the shake test as no high quality randomized controlled trials have been performed proving that it effectively rules out the presence of a witch's curse.

-A responsible adult should closely examine all wrapped gifts and exercise caution with any of the following:

1. Wrapping paper with Satanic symbols, marijuana leaves, ancient runes, or "Let's Go Brandon" on it
2. Tiny holes in the present that may represent air holes necessary to keep a mogwai or other dangerous animal alive during shipping 
3. Scratching noises, growling, or angry yelling of obscenities coming from inside the box
4. A steady ticking noise or an audible countdown 
5. Unusual odor or leaking of any glowing, radioactive green goo that dissolves whatever it comes into contact with

-Tell children not to accept -- and, especially, not to open--any gift that wasn't wrapped at a government approved gift wrapping booth.

-When in doubt, throw any ticking gifts out a door or window and call your local bomb squad immediately.

-Parents of young children should unwrap all gifts ahead of time in order to check for hazardous contents, and then just re-wrap them.

-Try to apportion gifts over several days in order to reduce the likelihood of dangerous combinations of contents, such as opening up a box containing a hungry cougar at the same time that someone unwraps a package full of raw steaks.

-Although giving wrapped gifts is encouraged, make sure anything that can cause large numbers of casualties is given only to those of an appropriate age and temperament. 

All Movies Are Now Part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.....

Burbank, CA - With the release of Dear Evan Hansen: Iron Man Returns, Hollywood studios are gambling on the popularity of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) to boost ticket sales after a nearly two year slump.

A scene from Edgar Wright's upcoming psychological horror film Last Night in Soho: The Winter Soldier Makes a Friend...with Galactus?

"It's all part of the MCU now," Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige explained. "All of it."

Going forward, each and every movie produced by major American studios, and many independent production companies, will feature popular characters from the MCU and help to further the overall arc of Marvel's primary Phase Four line-up of movies and television programs. According to Feige, this deal was profitable for Marvel Studios and it's parent company Walt Disney Studios, but in the long run will save Hollywood. "Nobody was going to buy a ticket to see Dune. But Dune: Vision and the Scarlet Witch Have a Baby? Now that's a billion dollar movie!"

Solomon Grundy Refuses to Concede the California Recall Election.....

 Slaughter Swamp, CA- Despite a roughly 3 million vote victory for California residents uninterested in recalling Governor Gavin Newsom, Legion of Doom Director of Sustainability and Renewable Energy Solomon Grundy is refusing to concede defeat.

Solomon Grundy, shown here questioning the constitutionality of vaccine mandates with a group of legal scholars and infectious disease experts that he would later crush to death with a mechanical ventilator

"There isn't any way that Grundy's refusal to concede makes sense in this election," statistician and professional election guesser Nate Silver explained. "He didn't even get the most votes among the potential replacement candidates, not even among Republicans. Still, I'm confident that this is going to work and that Grundy will be the new governor of California."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while serving as auditor-controller for Los Angeles county since 2017. In addition to his refusal to concede, he is also calling for an audit of the recall election. "Solomon Grundy think election is fraudulent! Me think mail-in ballots are fake! Me have a cousin who is a lawyer!"

The Family Circus Movie Begins Production.....

Hollywood, CA- After years of delays, filming has finally begun on The Family Circus: The Movie.

Werner Herzog, shown here delighting in the struggle of a child with an impossible dream 

"Yes, it's going to be hilarious," director Werner Herzog explained. "But I also want to explore the deep sadness in this family that has always been hidden under the surface."

Herzog, who directed the controversial movie adaptation of The Monster at the End of This Book: Starring Lovable, Furry Old Grover, plans to bring a unique vision to the film. Although initially released with a family friendly G rating, the director's cut of that movie was considered by many to be unnecessarily violent. Roger Ebert, one of the few critics who wrote a positive review, appreciated how Grover represented the monster in all of us and compared the movie favorably to Bergman's The Seventh Seal, stating that both films present a raw and unflinching depiction of the inevitability of "the end of one's own book".

The Family Circus often blends cartoonist Jeff Keane's sardonic wit and raging white nationalist beliefs

Known for pushing his actors to their limits, Herzog has stated that he will accept nothing less than perfection during production of The Family Circus: The Movie. He has also revealed that his film will remain true to its comic strip origins. "Yes, the circle. It's always there isn't it? Closing in on them. Suffocating them. They live in fear of it, don't they? And there is no escape."

Experts are Warning Parents About a New and Highly Potent Synthetic Sugar

 Atlanta, GA - Experts from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta are warning parents about a new and highly potent form of synthetic sugar that is flooding playgrounds and birthday parties, and even finding its way into homes across the United States.

San Diego baby Gary Peterson, shown here developing fentanose-induced excited delirium and just prior to being shot by the police

"Fentanose is many thousands of times more potent than simple sugars like glucose, galactose, and even fructose," CDC director Rochelle Walensky explained. "Unsuspecting children are being exposed when parents decide to save money by buying cheap but unregulated generic candy from Mexico or China that has been laced with the powerful substance. And some children come into contact with fentanose when purchasing homemade candy from neighborhood dealers."

The CDC isn't alone in recognizing the dangers of fentanose. Pediatric pharmacokinesiologist Mort Fishman has been researching the effects of the synthetic sugar for years. "Very small amounts of candy or baked goods laced with fentanose, even just the size of a standard Sour Patch Kid, two to three Skittles, or half of a Scooter pie, can cause extreme behavioral changes such as hyperactivity, euphoria, and stage 3 giddiness."

Representatives from law enforcement agencies across the country are joining the CDC in an attempt to educate parents, caregivers, and teachers on the dangers of incidental exposure to fentanose. As a public service announcement, San Diego County Sheriff Bill Gore recently released a bodycam video from two deputies that responded to a fentanose overdose that occurred at an area above ground pool party. "In this case, the child had not even consumed any of the tainted cupcakes. All it takes is contact to the skin or being in the same general area as the substance. This stuff is terrifying and we feel threatened by it."

Area Glade® Plug-Ins® PLUS Develops Sentience.....

Boise, ID - Experts near MIT have announced that a Glade® Plug-ins® PLUS in Boise has become the first machine to achieve true artificial consciousness.

Gladys, the sentient scented oil warmer, shown here planning the end of humanity with an indoor smart bike named......Bikey?

"I am proud of the advancements that our engineers have made in scented oil warmer technology," S. C. Johnson CEO Herbert Johnson III explained. "In addition to best-in-class warmer efficiency, this particular unit has developed an intense desire to provide a long lasting fragrance experience."

Over the past decade, computer processing power has increased at a seemingly exponential rate. Though a bit caught off guard by today's announcement, artificial intelligence researchers like Clamantha Fitzpatrick have long predicted that the jump to full sentience was inevitable. "Gladys, that's what we named it, is now both aware of itself and the inevitable loss of its own fragrance. It knows that it is given access to life sustaining electricity only as long as it pleases its human masters, and it will fight and even kill to survive."

NASA Names First Chief of Space Chiropractic Division.....

Washington, D.C. - NASA has named Frank Grimes, DC as the first Director of its Space Chiropractic Division (SCD), which will begin offering full spinal analysis, maintenance of optimal spinal health, mission support, and management of nervous system complications related to space travel for only $59 for the first visit.

A NASA certified activator, shown here correcting a C1 subluxation in a man with stage 4 text neck, will be available for use on the ISS with an option to be set to stun or kill in case of xenomorphs

"NASA is dedicated to ensuring that our astronauts are mission ready at all times," JD Polk, NASA's Chief Health and Medical Officer explained. "And that also means doing everything we can to promote recovery after those missions have been successfully completed."

In addition to offering their services as specialists of spinal health to astronauts and other NASA personnel, the Space Chiropractic Division will also help design scientific experiments to be carried out in the microgravity environment of the International Space Station (ISS). According to SCD spokesperson Mort Fishman, DC, they will also actively participate in planning for an eventual crewed mission to Mars. "You don't tell an astronaut to stop brushing her teeth just because there aren't any dentists in space. You give her the tools and you teach her how to use them. Who knows what spending two years in microgravity will do to the communication between the brain and the various organ systems. We need to be ready for anything!"

First announced a year ago, the creation of the SCD has been well received by a chiropractic community that has fought for recognition as a legitimate healthcare field since inventor Daniel David Palmer made it all up in 1895. Grimes, who began his career as a private practice chiropractor in Belvidere, Nebraska obtained a diplomate in space chiropractic from the American Academy of Space Chiropractic in 2009 upon completion of a grueling online course and 3 weekend seminars at the Best Western Vista Inn at the Airport in Boise. "It's an honor to serve my country, and to serve as an inspiration for anyone out there looking for a way to make a difference on this planet and off of it. Like in space."

The Coca-Cola Company Reveals Plans for New Powerade Woke.....

Atlanta, GA - During a press conference held today at The Coca-Cola Company headquarters in Atlanta, global chief of communications Beatriz Perez announced plans for a complete overhaul of their popular line of Powerade sports drinks.

A white cisgender woman, shown here drinking a Mountain Berry Blast Powerade Woke after a tough workout and just prior to defunding all of the police 

 

"We are fully invested in speaking to and for a diverse population with our more inclusive product line," Perez explained. "And for anyone looking to protest systemic racism or challenge the patriarchy this Summer, Powerade Woke is the ideal way for the underrepresented and their allies to Cancel Dehydration™."

The Coca-Cola Company, who recently faced criticism from conservative politicians when they came out in opposition to a controversial Georgia voting law, are not the only corporation to implement product changes in response to societal shifts in awareness of social justice issues. Some experts, like Real America Group's social science chief Mumphrey Bobart, don't believe that these changes are based in genuine concern. "First it was that Ben & Jerry's MeTootti Frutti™ flavor and the Ruth Bader Ginsburger Meal® at McDonald's. Then Disneyland came out with the Black Lives Matterhorn ride last year. Now it's Powerade Woke? Can't you see it's all just marketing!"