Vatican City-Senior church officials announced today that the largest recall of tainted holy water in the history of the Roman Catholic Church is currently underway, with priests around the world emptying fonts, stoups, and asperoniums into biological containment units specially designed by Vatican scientists and sanctified by the Pope.
"This is bad, just really bad," Cardinal Gary Castigliano explained. "There hasn't been a recall of this magnitude since 1583 when nearly a million souls were doomed to eternal torment in a lake of fire because of an improperly blessed batch."
The source of the contamination that has left thousands of churchgoers questioning the existence of a supreme being, and the legitimacy of church dogma, has been traced to the factories of Globodyne Industries. Globodyne has been working with the church to produce the recently unveiled probiotic holy water, which is claimed to strengthen the immune system and help regulate bowel function in addition to opening the door to salvation through baptism.
Church microbiologists have isolated the infectious organism Lactobacillus atheistophilus from cultures obtained at the production facility. Decontamination teams are performing a thorough exorcism/bleaching of the facility, and the Pope is asking that anyone with any doubts regarding their faith seek immediate assistance.