U.S. to Bring Democracy to Malfunctioning Spy Satellite.....

Washington, DC-In an emergency press conference held today, the Pentagon announced that it will attempt to bring democracy to a malfunctioning U.S. spy satellite predicted to be on a collision course with the Earth.

"It is our mandate both as a country and as a nation to do what must be done to insure the continued momentum that freedom has achieved over the past twenty years," President Bush explained. "And that includes objects that, like the sun and the rest of the known universe, are orbiting the Earth."

The military hopes to bring democracy to the satellite in the next few days, so that the bus-sized device might enjoy competitive elections and the freedoms of speech and the press before it enters Earth's atmosphere, and claims an over 80 percent chance of democratizing the satellite if action is taken during this crucial window of opportunity. This will mark the first time that the United States has attempted to bring democracy to an object drifting in near-Earth orbit.