Cursed Princess Begins Difficult Journey to Recovery.....

Gumdrop Island-As news of the lifting of an evil curse which put her into an impenetrable sleep nearly 5 years ago quickly spreads, Princess Leonora, beloved monarch of the magical land of Gumdrop Island, is beginning to take her first steps on the long and painful road to recovery.

"Princess Leonora, wielder of the mystical scepter of power and the source of all beauty and love in our great kingdom of Gumdrop Island, has some rough months ahead of her," palace physician Mort Fishman explained during a press conference held today in the Royal Hall of Eternal Happiness. "True love's kiss or no true love's kiss, her muscles have wasted considerably and there are significant contractions of her extremities. She may not have the strength to feed herself for weeks, let alone to walk or to reunite the three segments of the Fairy's Crystal for the Festival of Unity."

Fishman went on to discuss the need for Princess Leonora to continue to receive nutrition via a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy tube until her strength returns, as well as for round-the-clock care of her Stage IV pressure ulcers. "How much function she will eventually regain is anyone's guess. One thing is for certain, however. Prince Charming over there is going to need to learn how to do an "in and out" catheterization."

Congress Fails to Resurrect Frank Sinatra.....

Washington, DC-Despite nearly complete bipartisan support for the effort, the United States House of Representatives ended its weeklong attempt to reanimate the corpse of singer and Academy-Award-winning actor Frank Sinatra today, instead settling on a resolution naming May 13th as Frank Sinatra Day.

"Sure I'm disappointed," Rep. Jose Serrano(D-NY), sponsor of the resolution and Level 3 Necromancer, explained. "I think we all would have liked for things to have gone differently, and you have no idea how hard it was to get the corpse past security. But at least the resolution passed."

From the beginning, the ill-conceived ritual to retrieve the "Chairman of the Board" from the land of the dead, or at least convert his lifeless body into some kind of crooning zombie, met with its share of criticism. Leading the backlash was Mike Pence, a conservative Republican out of Indiana. "Look, I'd like to have a resurrected Ol' Blue Eyes stumbling around here singing classics like "Softly as I Leave You" and "My Way" as much as the next guy. Hell, I'd love to have the entire Rat Pack shuffling around Capitol Hill just singing and dancing, and eating brains, but apparantly those bozos didn't learn anything from the Elvis fiasco. Some things should just stay dead. Sometimes dead is better."

U.S. to Bring Democracy to Malfunctioning Spy Satellite.....

Washington, DC-In an emergency press conference held today, the Pentagon announced that it will attempt to bring democracy to a malfunctioning U.S. spy satellite predicted to be on a collision course with the Earth.

"It is our mandate both as a country and as a nation to do what must be done to insure the continued momentum that freedom has achieved over the past twenty years," President Bush explained. "And that includes objects that, like the sun and the rest of the known universe, are orbiting the Earth."

The military hopes to bring democracy to the satellite in the next few days, so that the bus-sized device might enjoy competitive elections and the freedoms of speech and the press before it enters Earth's atmosphere, and claims an over 80 percent chance of democratizing the satellite if action is taken during this crucial window of opportunity. This will mark the first time that the United States has attempted to bring democracy to an object drifting in near-Earth orbit.

President Bush to Address Nation with Help of Facilitated Communication.....

Washington, DC-As his final term draws to a close, current United States President George W. Bush has announced that he is planning to address the nation in the upcoming months with the assistance of facilitated communication.

Facilitated communication, or FC, is an established method of assisting communication used by people without functional speech secondary to a variety of potential conditions such as autism, mental retardation, brain damage, or cerebral palsy. It involves the help of a facilitator, who supports the hand or arm of the severely handicapped person, thus allowing communication via a computer keyboard or, as will be put to use by Bush, a device consisting of a series of large buttons with pictures of simple words, phrases, and farm animals.

"To be honest, I'm suprised that it took this long for the President to make use of this proven technique," New York University Provost Dirk Ragland, a major proponent of FC, explained. "Finally the public will see that behind the vacant looks and peculiar phrases is a man not hopelessly retarded but who is either normal or perhaps even above normal in intelligence."