Thursday, January 14, 2016

New Study Reveals Babies Resistant to Behavior Manipulation.....

Wilmington, DE-A recently concluded 10-year, 7 million dollar study of the effectiveness of common methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant.

Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself
"We looked at everything," Drexel University and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. And across the board they weren't effected. These findings may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."

According to Scott, these findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something is going on here, the next step is figuring out how babies remain impervious to these typically effective means of behavior manipulation. But ultimately we need to know why only babies can do this and if this is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of mankind."

The Pentagon has been aware of this study, and interested in the results, from the beginning. In a recently leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Hap Remington wrote "So if we are all in agreement on this, I can have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by the end of the year." The White House however is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.

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