Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2016.....

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2016

by Brabara Bloodstone

Brabara Bloodstone, shown here ordering a pizza without the use of her psychic powers

Here we are at the start of a new year, and once again the world is looking to me for answers. Everyone is in a hurry to find out what is in store for them in the future. The fates of individual humans, governments, and even the planet itself have made themselves known to me using my special gift of psychic intuition, just like in 1942 when I thought I heard someone in the other room but it was just the television, but later that week there really was someone in the other room when my sister Gladys visited from Pittsburgh. 

This is the time of year for spiritual renewal, just as the Earth's magnetic aura balances itself in preparation for another trip around the Sun. Seeing the future allows me to shed my astral skin like a snake sheds its actual skin, and I emerge reinvigorated. Like the time I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I feared something terrible had happened that day, and it did, 34 years and 5 months later on 9/11.

Sadly, I can't always prevent the disasters, or aid the advances, that I see in my psychic visions. I am as much a passenger on the unseen currents of the river of time as everyone else. The only difference is that I can sense even the most subtle changes in the direction of its flow, like when I foretold the coming of Winter and the scourge of the White Walkers.

Here are my top twenty predictions for 2016:

Health and Medicine

1. The common cold will finally be conquered in 2016, not with antibiotics or a new vaccine but by using a gravitational device discovered during an excavation of the Egyptian pyramids. Suppressed by the pharmaceutical industry, the device will be placed in an unmarked box, one of thousands like it in a secret government warehouse.

2. The CDC and WHO will announce new guidelines for the diagnosis and management of fetal chronic fatigue syndrome. This will result in the next step in human evolution and, ultimately, the beginning of the end of the human race.

An infant born with fetal chronic fatigue syndrome despite aggressive prenatal interventions, shown here just seconds before being euthanized

3. Antibiotic resistance will continue to be a concern despite efforts to curb inappropriate use of the once life-saving medications. Patients will be forced to rely on the healing ways of ancient cultures and also modern unconventional approaches to treating infections, such as Quantum Healing and Robot-Assisted Reiki. Everyone will die.

4. A simple dietary modification will be shown to reduce the incidence of heart disease but will have a disastrous impact on global climate change because of a significant increase in the amount of methane and carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere. 

Culture and Society

5. Reality television programming will become increasingly popular. In order to satisfy the nation's voyeuristic lust, President Trump will sign an executive order removing all rights to privacy. Cameras will be installed in every home. As Summer draws to an end, the first gladiator style fights to the death will take place at federal prisons in order to satiate a desensitized public. 

6. The east wall of the Boston Globe headquarters will take home the Academy Award for Best Supporting Structure in a Motion Picture for its role in Spotlight.

The Oscar winning facade, shown here right before accepting a role in President Trump's biopic "He Built the Wall"

7. Kim Kardashian will begin to asexually reproduce by budding. Kanye will be consumed by her genetically identical clone offspring for his precious bone marrow and neural tissue so that they might live.

8. Marvel Studios will release its first pornographic superhero film. It will be the highest grossing superhero porn since Stan Lee's 1957 sex tape where he wore a Spider-Man costume with a hole in the crotch.

Sports and Recreation

9. The New England Patriots will once again win the Superbowl in 2016, narrowly defeating the New Orleans Saints, who despite not making the playoffs will reach the championship after all the other teams eat at a Chipotle.

10. What the hell is lacrosse?

What is going on? Is it me? It's not me, right? It makes no sense.

11. The newest outdoor hobby sweeping the nation in 2016 is the Virtual Outdoor Activity Generator. Millions of Americans will go camping, water skiing, and even rock climbing while receiving intravenous nutrition through a femoral line and pooping into an adult diaper.

12. Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Shane Peterson will win the Arthur Ashe Courage Award for his outspoken support of athletes suffering with ingrown toenails. 

The Environment

13. We will see a resurgence of wild fish populations once the tuna begin harvesting humans. 

A yellowfin tuna, photographed mere moments before decapitating a fisherman with its powerful caudal fin, thus beginning a bloody fight for survival between the scombrid and hominid families

14. The climate change tipping point, the exact moment when the interventions of man will no longer be enough to prevent our planet's steady transformation into a barren wasteland devoid of all life, will occur when Kansas dentist Grant Ritchey forgets to turn the lights off when closing the office on October 16th. 

15. Californians will stop whining about their drought as the Golden State slips violently into the Pacific ocean on April 23rd.

16. In December of 2016, a powerful coronal mass ejection from the Sun will wipe out all satellites and ground based communication capabilities on the Earth. Forced to rely on clumsy lead and ink based writing devices and pressed wood pulp, new laws will be enacted that make cursive illegal and the use of punctuation and full sentences punishable by death.

Politics

17. Although it will fail to win in the general election, the Dembot 3000, a last minute replacement for Hillary Clinton after she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future, will complete its mission and kill Rand Paul in order to prevent his great-granddaughter from building the Dembot 3000, thus saving Christmas.

Dembot 2000 "Hillary Clinton", shown here at the exact moment she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future when there is a malfunction in its voice modulator

Technology

18. Advances in smart home technology will result in the fully operational artificial intelligence programming that will control all aspects of day-to-day life by early Spring, meaning that the majority of children born in 2016 will never know life without the fear of being assimilated into the core processing matrix.

19. Disregarding all concerns of safety and ethics, Proctor and Gamble will introduce the Gillette Cosmos. The patented Quantaglide technology will involve coating each blade with a mixture of strangelets and microscopic black holes. The black holes will lift even the toughest beards away from the face, allowing contact with the strangelets. A catastrophic chain reaction will then occur that will utterly destroy each hair. 

Religion

20. The Vatican will be forced to reveal that Pope Francis is actually just three kids standing on each other's shoulders and wearing papal vestments.