Area Teen Briefly Contemplates Place in Universe Before Spitting on Customer's Hamburger.....

Portsmouth, NH-Just prior to spitting onto a customer's hamburger, area teen Lucas Shelby paused for just a moment to wonder about the origin of the universe and the meaningfulness of his existence.

"I was just about to hock a sick loogie in this guy's double bacon burger," Shelby explained. "And it just hit me you know, all at once like. I'm like, just this little speck. And like, my entire life is like not even an instant in geological time. What does it all mean? Why am I here and all that junk, you know. There has to be more to life than working at Arby's."

Dale Shermer, a frequent patron of Arby's and the recipient of the mucus soaked hamburger, was unaware of the significant introspective advance in Shelby's ability to understand the nature of his role in the cosmos. "That's wonderful," he revealed. "It's nice knowing that not all these punk kids think the world revolves around themselves. Wait, he did what?"

Doctors Say, Stop Wasting Precious Time.....

Atlanta, GA-In a press conference held today at CDC headquarters, Director Julie Louise Gerberding announced a new initiative for reducing the incidence of, and the ill effects resulting from, living with excessive levels of stress.

"Stress has long been known to both initiate and exacerbate medical conditions from asthma to herpes zoster, and everything in between," Gerberding explained. "But until now there hasn't been a focused and concerted effort to combat its ill effects."

Gerberding described a multi-tiered approach to decreasing stress levels, starting with some simple first steps. "Americans are overtired, overworked, and overstressed. The key to less stress is more time." According to Gerberding, there are a number of simple and effective ways to add precious minutes to our days that can be set aside for rest and relaxation:

1. Sitting in traffic consistently ranks high on the list of major stressors. Try to find ways of making the commute shorter. Speeding is an effective time saver. And studies show that for every car you block from entering the freeway in bumper to bumper traffic, you'll be able to spend an extra hundreth of a second unwinding at the end of the day.

2. Do what doctors do to save time and abbreviate everything. You'll not only have more "me" time but you'll be cooler to boot. So the next time you need to ask your best friend forever for a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich as soon as possible before your alcoholics anonymous meeting, remember this tip.

3. If adding abbreviations to your daily routine isn't doing the trick, try cutting out speaking entirely. Make postcards with common words and phrases that you can simply pass out to people during conversations. Or learn to read minds.

4. One of the biggest time drains that people participate in on a daily basis is basic hygiene. After just a few days of enjoying the extra time on your hands you gain from skipping that morning shower, you'll literally be able to smell the stress melting away.

5. Space age technology has led to many advancements in introducing sustenance into the human body. Taking advantage of these can shave minutes off of you day that can go towards stress reducing activities. Chewing is obsolete with today's modern portable IV nutrition systems, but these are bulky and add wind resistance. And experimental concentrated suppositories can be messy and uncomfortable. Just ask yourself what's more important, living a healthy stress free life or eating.

Tobacco Company to Halt Print Ads.....

Winston-Salem, NC-Tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds, buckling under the weight of pressure from anti-smoking organizations and members of Congress, has announced that it will not be placing advertisements in newspapers or magazines in 2008.

"This is merely another example of R.J Reynold's focus on public safety," R.J. Reynolds spokeswoman Jean Smithy explained. "The last thing that we want to do is to give the impression that cigarettes are for everyone. Because they aren't. They are absolutely off limits to children and to be honest, adults shouldn't smoke them either. We just can't stress this enough. Please do not smoke our cigarettes."

R.J. Reynolds has also announced that they will stop producing and offering a number of cigarette related products and services which have been targeted by critics:

1. Tobacco Tots Tobacotastic Toddler Safe-T-Seats with built in ashtray and Safe-T-Lighter with reduced entry port to reduce risk of finger burns

2. Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack Family Style Restaurants and Amusement Parks

3. Baby Got Bacco Infant Formula now with Comfort Carcinogens

4. Tobacco Junction: All Aboard! Where the Cool Kids Hang Out and Do Cool Stuff, hosted by Nicole Kidman and Ciggy the Bear

"We can't help but feel at least partially responsible for the widespread popularity of smoking," Smithy revealed. "This is just us doing our part to make up for that."

This Week's ER the Most Powerful Episode Yet.....

Burbank, CA-In an effort to improve this season's plummeting ratings, the producers of ER announced today that this week's episode will be the most powerful ever.

"Over the past few years, we've claimed that a number of episodes were the most powerful ever, or had an ending you had to see to believe," ER creator, producer, and writer Michael Crichton explained. "But we really mean it this time."

The show, thought by many to be past its prime and fading into irrelevance, is known for its exciting plot twists. Many critics, however, are declaring the announcement to be just more empty Hollywood hype, but Crichton isn't backing down. "In one episode, a while back, a tank crashed into the place. Well this time there's gonna be two tanks and a hovercraft. Plus we've got Doug Ross returning and he's a robot, The Muppets making a cameo as a band injured in a bus crash, and guess who's an alien. Let's just say that the ending is going to be out of this world. Literally!"

New Eyewitness Helps Area Police Close In On Wanted Fugitive.....

North Ogden, UT-Based on new information obtained by the North Ogden Police Department, investigators are searching today for a suspect in the recent spate of soiled sheets, spilled juice, crayon streaked walls, and missing items of jewelery and make-up occuring at the home of Bort and Erma Stumpwald.

"We're just exctited to finally have a lead on this case," Chief of Police Mildred Hubble explained. "Things were starting to get pretty cold until an eyewitness stepped forward with some crucial details."

Arby Stumpwald, the 3-year-old daughter of Bort and Erma, revealed to the authorities that "a pink baby giraffe climbed into my bed and went poo-poo in my bed." According to Chief Hubble, the baby giraffe likes chicken nuggets and is also a bear.

Intern Leaks Controversial White House Memo.....

Washington, DC-Making the rounds today is a controversial interoffice letter, from President George Bush to his staff, that was leaked by an as of yet unidentified White House intern.

This memo is the evidence we've been waiting for," 9/11 Truth representative Chirt Winkle explained. "This mistakenly leaked document is all the proof we need that our government is capable of maintaining a vast conspiracy, involving thousands of individuals, to cover up what happened on September 11th, 2001. Any attempts at covering this up will just be more covering up of what they're already covering up."

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino discussed the memo in a press conference held this morning, stating that "There is absolutely nothing in this document that supports any conspiracy theory regarding the fate of the fallen World Trade Center buildings."

Winkle, upon hearing of Perino's remarks, exclaimed "You see! I was right! I've managed to avoid being noticed so far but you must tell the world what I have discovered if something happens to me."

Area Grocery Store to Offer Complimentary Hand Wipes.....

Rockville, MD-In response to growing fears regarding the spread of increasingly resistant bacteria around the community, Magruder's Supermarket will be offering complimentary antimicrobial hand wipes to shoppers.

"There are a lot of worried people out there," Store manager Herman Moody explained. "Anything we can do to put customer's minds at ease is a good thing. Providing a safe shopping environment where folks can buy what they need at reasonable prices is our highest priority."

But not everyone supports the use of complimentary hand wipes for this purpose. Physician and noted skeptic Maynard Grimp is concerned that it will further confuse the general public and add undeserved legitimacy to the practice. "Complimentary is just a marketing term," Dr. Grimp revealed. "There is no such thing as complimentary hand wipes, only hand wipes that have been proven to work and hand wipes that have not."

Area Man Reunited with Long Lost Foreskin.....

Stamford, CT-When 37-year-old mail man Edward Gordon returned home from his daily route today, the last thing he expected to find waiting for him was his foreskin, which had been surgically removed when he was a newborn infant in Seattle.

"I couldn't believe it," Gordon explained. "I've been dreaming about this for so long but I had pretty much given up on it ever happening. We've missed out on so much being seperated for all this time. Do we even have anything in common? Will we get along? I'm happy, but I'm pretty nervous at the same time."

In what can only be described as an epic adventure, Gordon's foreskin was involved in a cross country trek that tested its will to survive and its ability to put its painful past behind it and learn to open its heart. Joined by a rebellious and troubled accessory nipple, and a gang of aging skin tags along the way, his foreskin was forced to discover the true meaning of friendship and of sacrifice.

City Council Meeting Disrupted by Spontaneous Song and Dance Number.....

Centerton,AR-An emergency meeting of the Centerton City Council was disrupted today when Mayor Jon Billings broke into a song and dance routine, forcing the majority of the eight member council as well as most of the press and attending public to join in.

"It's absurd that these impromptu, impeccably choreographed numbers still occur in this day and age, but with the popularity of recent movies like Chicago, and television shows like Cop Rock and Viva Laughlin, we've been experiencing more and more of them," Councilmember Dan LaRose explained. "It sounds like it would be a lot of fun, and it is at first, but I'm 53 years old and recently had heart surgery. Somebody could get hurt."

Members of the City Council aren't the only ones upset about the recent spate of spontaneous musical productions. Local parent Tina Watson is concerned about the effect on her children. "My son, he's a senior at Centerton High, was late for a test because one of the Jenkins boys decided to sing about being in love with some girl from Russelville."

Breaking it Down:How Americans are Ending Relationships.....

14%-Texting IH8U, ITZ OVR U SOB!

21%-Extending the restraining order to 500 feet

25%-Arsenic

13%-On The Montel Williams Show right after the results of the paternity test are announced

15%-One snide remark too many

12%-Joining the Holy Church of Hannah Montana

Japanese Whale Researchers Conclude Humpbacks Still Delicious.....

Shimonoseki, Japan-A fleet of four Japanese research vessels recently embarked on a mission to investigate the reproductive and feeding patterns of whales, including up to 50 humpbacks, with plans to study just over 1,000 of the aquatic giants in order to better understand these mysterious and gentle ocean dwelling mammals.

The vessels, manned by whale researchers equipped with specially designed research tools such as large spearlike explosive projectiles connected by thick rope to a deck-mounted propulsion system. These projectiles, critical in helping the Japanese government to achieve its goal of studying enough whales to satisfy the nation's intense hunger for knowledge of these beloved sea creatures, is designed to easily penetrate the thick layers of whale fat and lodge itself in the flesh. The sharpened science spikes prevent the test subjects from dropping out of the study prior to being pulled aboard where consent is obtained prior to further research taking place.

"As soon as we received IRB approval on this we jumped at the opportunity to contribute to the existing literature regarding whales," mission leader Hajime Ishikawa explained. "Our appetite for understanding whales is not to be taken lightly. We will study whales until we fully grasp all of their delicious inner workings and behavior, even if we must study every last whale on this planet."

Katsumi Miyagi, a Japanese-American living in New York, is excited about the prospects of doing hands on research of her own. "Once you try it, and get a taste for whale research, you just want to study them all the time," she explained. "I especially enjoy studying whale with soy sauce and just a dab of wasabi. I find that they best compliment the joy of discovery."

Nutrition Science Rethinks a Classic.....

Pawtucket, RI-Long known to be non-toxic, the popular and kid friendly modeling clay Play-Doh is now beginning to be recognized by scientists as a nutritious food alternative that may help fight childhood obesity.

"In today's climate of lead laden Chinese toys being found in every playroom, it's nice to know that not only is Play-Doh safe to eat but it's good for growing children," Dietician Isabelle Johnson explained. "The exact composition of Play-Doh is a tightly kept secret but studies have found it to be made up of mostly wheat flour and water but one serving, or about half a can, contains 100% of a child's recommended daily intake of salt, borax, and hardening agents. Plus, it is great source of the often neglected kerosene/petroleum distillate food group."

Hasbro CEO Alfred J. Verrecchia isn't suprised by the recent acceptance of the scientific community. "Many people don't realize that Play-Doh was first developed as a non-meat, non-vegetable, non-dessert TV dinner side dish. But while parents were eating the stuff, kids were playing with it. And then the FDA got involved. It was a messy business but who's laughing now?"

Across the nation, schools are beginning to offer this wholesome food substitute as a low-calorie but suprisingly filling snack in lunch rooms and vending machines. According to Verrecchia, in order to reach more non-traditional Play-Doh consumers, Hasbro is working on plans to produce an organic version. Gourmet Play-Doh is also in the pipeline.

God Hires Life Coach.....

Heaven-After a string of high publicity public relations disasters, Almighty Creator of the universe and benevolent Father of mankind God has turned to Albuquerque life coach Mitchum Vaughn for help in getting back on track.

"I've been keeping up with the news so I wasn't too suprised when our Lord and Savior came to me for help," Vaughn explained. "Just the recent cyclone in Bangladesh alone would cause self-esteem issues in any Supreme Being whose lack of focus and follow-through had caused it. He may be the all-powerful Sustainer of All Things but that doesn't mean He wouldn't benefit from some brutal honesty every once in a while."

God, who has been criticized by some for allowing evil to exist, plans to start small and build up to answering more complicated prayers. "Well, I don't want to give away too much but that quarter inch of rain Georgia got last week was me. Oh, and college football is about to get a lot more interesting."

Vaughn, who has decided to focus entirely on God for the time being, did express some concern about his aggressive prayer answering strategy. "Sure, if you regrow a few limbs the numbers will look good for a while. But if the Big Guy overdoes it He might lose that whole "God works in mysterious ways" angle that's been working so well for so many years."

Blockbuster Clerk All Up in Area Man's Business.....

Bad Axe, MI-When Bad Axe amateur porn enthusiast Greg Stevens visited the town's only video rental store, the last thing he expected was for his business to be all gotten up in.

"There I was just minding my own business, and trying to rent a movie, when the clerk got all up in my business," Stevens explained. "He kept trying to tell me how awesome the special effects were in Spiderman 3 and how funny Flight of the Concords is. Then he asked me if I had seen Transformers yet because the previously viewed copies were on saile for $10.99. I couldn't believe it. Is it too much to ask to just put the copy of Romancing the Bone in a bag and give me my change?"

Upon hearing of the event, Blockbuster CEO James W. Keyes expressed concern. "Unfortunately, this is not the first complaint we've had of inappropriately entered business. At Blockbuster, we believe that a person's business should never be gotten up in for any reason which is why there are such strict rules and regulations in place regarding interaction with customers."

Mr. Keyes went on to admit that a very serious checking of theyselves was in order, so that any future wrecking of theyselves might be avoided.

Zoo's People:Area Man Loves the Outdoors.....

Los Angeles, CA-Local citizen Frank Hollingsworth loves the outdoors a little more than most Los Angeleans, and often can be found immersing himself in the wonders of the environment.

Whether camping out under the stars and enjoying the cool night air, or roughing it for sometimes days on end under the Vincent Thomas bridge, Hollingsworth just can't get enough quality time with Mother Nature. And this diehard outdoorsman often eschews tents and other typical camping equipment, preferring to face the challenges of exposure to the sometimes harsh elements and foraging for food in dumpsters.

Explains Hollingsworth, "I'm homeless."

Experts Weigh in on Hannah Montana Ticket Shortage.....

Wilmington, DE-When Delaware native Cary Outman was unable to find tickets to a sold out Hannah Montana concert, despite having paid $30 to join an online fan club which had promised an edge over other fans, he was devestated.

"I would have given anything to get those tickets for my 13-year-old daughter," Outman explained. "I can't even begin to imagine the pain and suffering that she must be going through right now. While that greedy little Miley Cyrus and her lackeys are making money hand over fist, my little angel is dying a little more inside every day."

The consensus amongst child psychologists and developmental pediatricians is clear when it comes to cases such as this. Child psychiatrist Betrand Fleck, a doctor who has experienced first hand the long lasting consequences of the sometimes irreparable emotional trauma resulting from SDS, or Severe Disappointment Syndrome, an entity which was well described in the 1952 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders but was removed for political reasons.

"I'll never forget the stormy night that my parents refused to allow me to see Leif Garrett in concert," Dr. Fleck revealed. "It was during the many years of intense psychotherapy necessary to finally begin to piece together my shattered ego, and to take my first tentative steps toward self-actualization, that I decided to become a psychiatrist."

Dr. Fleck has devoted his life to treating children whose emotional well-being has been severely impaired by SDS. "To the abusive parents who would perpetrate such potentially devastating actions upon a developing psyche I caution you. Your children's ability to function in society is at risk every time you tell them no."

(Discussion)

Newborn Infant Declared Mean by Mother.....

Erie, PA-Erie native Sharonda Givens, who recently gave birth to a 8lb 7oz son via an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, remarked today that, based on the infant's crying during the initial attempt at breastfeeding, her baby was mean.

"That baby mean!" Ms Givens explained. "He mean. Why he crying so much? Ain't nobody messin with him."

Child psychiatrist Betrand Fleck, who was immediately consulted by the infant's pediatrician, expressed much concern after interviewing the baby and his mother. "Yes, in my professional opinion this baby is quite mean. At no point in my attempt to converse with him did he answer any of my questions. He was belligerent throughout the encounter, ceasing his crying only when being fed. This kind of narcissistic behavior is common in mean babies."

The baby, who will be discharged under continuous surveillance by local law enforcement, has been placed on a cocktail of benzodiazepines and anti-psychotic medications. He will also undergo weekly psychiatric evaluations until his attitude improves.

International Edition: World's Fattest Baby Now in Size 2 Diaper.....

ALEISK, Russia-When Nadia Khalina was born on September 17, 2007, she weighed in at 17.1 pounds with a BMI of well over the 95 percentile. Now, nearly two months later, the morbidly obese former neonate has, with the help of a nutrition expert, pediatric health specialist, and fitness trainer, all sponsored by Quiznos, managed to drop almost 10% of her birth weight.

"When we started working with Nadia, I really didn't think we'd have this much success so early in the program," trainer Tawny Kincaid explains. "She didn't seem to want it bad enough, you know. If you are going to drop those pounds, you've got to stay focused and keep your eye on the prize and, well, she acted like this was all a big joke at first."

Team nutritionist Nancy Cadwallader, a veteran in the business of weight loss who has helped celebrities such as Nicole Richie and Lara Flynn Boyle win their fight against obesity, knew that the first obstacle for Nadia was cutting back on carbs, and that meant breast milk. "That stuff is like liquid cheese danish. Sure its got some protein in it, and some immunoglobulins, but it also has about 7% carbs."

This aspect of the program was the most difficult according to the team. Cadwallader reveals that "There is big emotional component to eating when it comes to newborns, who often turn to the bottle or breast for comfort when they experience negative emotions, such as stress, anger, or lonliness. Some newborns want to feed simply because they are awake and bored. It's not a good pattern for them to fall into."

Next for Nadia was the focus on physical activity. Kincaid, a trainer for a number of celebrity infants, says that being unable to perform purposeful movements or to see for more than a few inches in front of their faces is not an excuse to be lazy and inactive. "If they won't move then you have to move them!" Kincaid is a proponent of core training techniques such as Infant Pilates but admits that sometimes its okay to "blast the babies biceps every now and then, especially with male infants who do appreciate a more chiseled physique."

With Nadia's dramatic weight loss comes a wide array of health benefits. Pediatric endocriniatrist Niles Drakesly, a graduate of the Correspondence College of Tampa's Upstairs Medical College, couldn't be more pleased with her progress. "Morbidly obese infants face a number of health hurdles such as lipid plugged meridians, stagnant chi, angry liver, and phlegmatism. Nadia has none of these."

Nadia, now wearing a size 2 diaper, will soon be moving to New York to begin working as the spokesbaby for Quiznos' new Slimwich line of diet subs.

(Discussion)

Parents Line Up to Buy Newest Illicit Drug.....

Chicago, IL-You've probably heard a lot of talk in the media lately about the dangers of giving over the counter cough and cold medications to young children and how the FDA has recommended that drug companies stop making them for children under 6. You may even be familar with some of the studies showing that these medications don't appear to even work when given to kids. But does any of this even matter? Are stressed mothers of snotty nosed toddlers going to stop reaching for the robitussin or triaminic?

Of course not, because in their minds these medications are the only thing that work. Only now, instead of being considered a caring parent who simply wants their child to be comfortable enough to sleep, they are now going to be labeled as criminals. As we speak, new laws are being drafted that will lock these well meaning parents up for years in some cases.

Across the nation, underground black markets are being established where suburban housewives, career moms, and stay at home dads alike can go for their fix of children's antihistamines and cough suppressants, or "drip" as they are known on the street. One such father, who I won't identify for fear of criminal prosecution, said that this is his only recourse, driving into a bad neighborhood to buy cough syrup from the same man who sells crack to prostitutes.

Local police are at a loss, suprised by the rapidity of the emergence of these so-called "drip houses" and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of traffic to them. Officer Scott Parkman of the LAPD revealed that "I guess if you've got something that until a few weeks ago was given 3.8 billion times a year legally you are going to have a problem when all of a sudden that something is labeled as off limits."

Derik Scott, who has quit dealing crack to focus on the now more lucrative drip market, couldn't be happier with the FDA's ruling. "Man, I don't know the FDA from triple A but I know that the color of snot and money is both green. I get these parents pulling up now in their SUV's with 3 or 4 kids strapped in the back, hacking up a lung and faces smeared with mucus and you can just see the desperation on their faces. And I got just what they need. Sometimes one of 'em might get scared, drive off, but I know they'll be back."

(Listen to a reading of this post by a pediatrician known as Dr. Clay on the Podcast Doctors Unmedicated)

Transformers Star Shia LaBeouf Calls for More Cootie Research.....

Burbank, CA-Heeding the call of researchers at the CDC, who discovered recently that cooties are becoming increasingly widespread among American children, popular actor Shia LaBeouf has emerged to champion the push for more research into the nature of this disease, and the drive for a cure.

"This is going to come as a shock to a lot of people," LaBeouf explained. "But I was diagnosed with cooties just last year. Yeah, they think I picked it up on the set of "Even Stevens", maybe from Christy Carlson Romano but nobody really knows for certain since she refuses to be tested to see if the strains match."

CDC researchers, such as Dr. Hammond St. Michelle, appreciate the added recognition that a star of LaBeouf's caliber brings but they are concerned about cootie research not being taken seriously. "Our understanding of cooties is so minimal at this point. We need to focus on the basics, such as how it is spread from person to person, what is the incubation time prior to the appearance of symptoms, and what can be done to treat already affected persons. We don't want this to become a game of who gave what to whom although in our scientific opinion Cameron Diaz is pretty nasty."

Tests Reveal Higher Cootie Levels Than Expected in Children.....

Atlanta, GA-During an emergency press conference held today in their Atlanta headquarters, it was announced that a recently completed CDC surveillance study involving the determination of cootie levels in a random sampling of children from across the nation revealed a significant increase.

"Then scary thing is that this increase was across the board," Lead investigator Dr. Hammond St. Michelle explained. "So we can't blame this on, say, the recently discovered increases in the number of nerds, geeks, dweebs, goobs and hyperdweebs in most regions. Some of these kids were pretty cool. Jocks, cheerleaders, homecoming queens, girls who put out on the first date, mysterious new kids with dreamy eyes and a troubled past. Nobody was spared."

Dr. Leo Trasande, assistant director of the Center for Children's Health and the Environment at the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York City is very concerned higher cootie levels could lead to more childhood disease and disorders. "We are in an epidemic of cootie related disease among American children today. An effective vaccine against this scourge must become a top priority to medical researchers but I fear that the cootie shot may come too late for many of today's youth."

Elizabeth Whelan, president of the American Council on Science and Health, disagrees. "My concern about this new trend of "measuring" levels of substances in the blood that have been proven to be "deadly" is that people might begin to believe that their children could suffer some kind of harm just because similar levels have been shown to kill mice, or rats, or monkeys or something. Didn't we already go through all of this with second hand smoke?"

Area Widow Just Wants Answers, and 30 Million Dollars.....

Boulder, CO-When Boulder native Jane Linebarger appears in a Denver courtroom today, she will finally have the opportunity to face the president of the company whose unsafe working conditions she claims led to the death of her husband of over 30 years.

"I have been waiting for this day for almost two years," Linebarger explained. "I think that finally being able to confront him, and to hear an explanation from the man whose illegal cost-cutting resulted in my husband's death, will go a long way towards accepting this tragedy and moving on with my life. Also I want 30 million dollars."

Linebarger plans on putting the bulk of the 30 million dollars towards attempts at shattering the so far impenetrable wall that seperates the living and the dead. "Once my husband is reanimated, and our house finally sells, I hope to move to Vermont and open a bed and breakfast. But who knows when that will happen in this market."

Area Blacksmiths to Protest New Wal-Mart.....

Fort Wayne, IN-Area blacksmiths are setting aside their differences to join together in protest of the arrival of a Wal-Mart Superstore to the Fort Wayne area.

"In times like these, when our ability to make a decent living providing quality swords, maces, battle axes, and chain mail to the fine folk of Fort Wayne is in jeopardy, we must band together in opposition to this evil corporate giant," Blacksmith Hefa Estes explained. If this great beast is not challenged with grim determination, and eventually slain, Wal-Mart may do to blacksmithery what yonder Payless Shoesource did to our cordwaining brethren."

Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott is not amused. "This band of peasant blacksmiths is no match for our might and will fall before the sun again sets upon this land. They will surely fare no better than the falconers and gong farmers who came before them.

Local Businesses to Offer Discounts for Federally Protected Witnesses.....

New York-Starting today, New Yorkers lucky enough to be enrolled in the Federal Witness Protection Program will be able to take advantage of some wonderful savings at local businesses.

"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Tony's Pizza owner Tony "Knuckles" Fabiano explained. "These guys are out there putting their lifes on the line. It's the least we could do. So one of these guys could come in to the shop and bam, he'd gets a free pizza made special just for him. And I'll tell you, I really just wanna watch the guy eat that pizza. I wanna watch him eat all of that damn pizza!"

In addition to a number of pizzerias taking part, there are Italian restaurants, gentleman's clubs, trucking companies, and garbage collection agencies adding to the businesses offering substantial savings to federal witnesses. Businessman James "3 Fingers" Rabito revealed that "Yeah, we got somethin special for these guys. Like a trip far away that they might never come back from if you know what I mean. Maybe cause they wanted to spend some time with the fishes or something. I hear Acapulco is nice this time of year."

New Study Reveals Improved Monkey-Penguin Relations.....

Lexington, KY-A study, published today in the Journal of Anthropology, appears to reverse a century of scientific consensus on the interactions between monkeys and penguins.

"If you had spoken to a primatologist or a sphenisciologist prior to this publication, they would have told you of the intense hatred between the two species," Zoologist Adam Sasaki explained. "It's difficult to accept these findings because the evidence up till now has pointed in a very different direction. But their study design is flawless. It looks like monkeys and penguins get along pretty well."

But one scientist, cryptozoologist Lars Pinkerton, is recommending caution in interpreting the findings in the paper. "One study isn't enough to warrant the 180 degree change in opinion that appears to be going on. You have to look at the entirety of the literature on the subject. Anecdotally, I've never seen a monkey and a penguin together in the same room. Coincidence?"

There is Absolutely Nothing to See Here.....

Bakersfield, CA-Federal authorities have announced today during a nationally televised press conference that there is absolutely nothing of any interest to anyone to be seen in Bakersfield, California.

"We suggest that everybody just move along," White House Press Secretary Dana Perino explained. "There is nothing to see there folks. Just some routine, every day stuff of no consequence to you or your loved ones. Yep, just regular stuff. Nothing to do with UFOs or aliens of any kind."

Apparantly not everyone is buying this explanation however, especially journalist Fran Jenkins. "Now wait just a second. You just said something about UFOs. I think there may be something to see in Bakersfield after all!"

Perino, disappearing in a cloud of thick smoke, laughed maniacally.

Town Council to Vote on Name Change.....

Hemphead, TX-Council members of Hemphead, a small Texas town known for its yearly Watermelon Festival as well as it production of beautiful hand crafted pottery, will gather today at the Main Street Gazebo to hold an long awaited vote on on a new name.

"Despite our reputation as the watermelon capital of Texas, among other contributions to our fine state, many folks simply do not feel comfortable with the town's name," Mayor Michaele Fox explained. "We want a name that better expresses what our town is all about so that potential tourists will be more likely to consider a visit. Now we just need to decide on what that name should be."

Council member Lillie Waller has already made up her mind. "There is a wonderful community of artists here in Hemphead, and we are especially proud of our work in earthenware, stoneware, and porcelain vessels." A number of name suggestions were considered by the town council prior to narrowing the field down to two finalists, which are Pothead and Marijuana Falls.

Area Wine Enthusiast Outraged Over Food Pairing.....

Diggens, TX-Dave Catania, a long time wine enthusiast, expressed outraged today over wine waiter Franz Chaubert's pairing suggestions for his appetizer and main entree last night at a local Sizzler Steakhouse restaurant.

"The sushi was served with a 2003 Riesling that was far too sweet," Catania explained. My scallopes were served with a Chardonnay that was just insulting. Sure it was drinkable, but severely overoaked. And the lamb came with a Syrah that tasted like the chef added raspberry syrup to it. I'm simply not going to stand for this kind of treatment, which is why I've filed a grievance with the Court of Master Sommeliers."

Master Sommelier Doug Frost, a member of the Court of Master Sommeliers (CMS) and widely considered to be America's foremost expert on pairing wine with food, was formally presented a copy of the grievance in the secret underground Fortress of Sommeliers earlier today. "This is what we, the members of the Court of Master Sommeliers and protectors of mankind, have been dreading for decades. A weak and uninspired list of pairings such as this is clear sign that the events of the great prophecy are finally at hand. We will do what we can to save humanity from the upcoming horrors, but even the combined powers of the Court of Master Sommeliers may not be enough."

Local Mother Alerts Community to Halloween Death Bags.....

Silverdale, WA-Tiffany Garrett, a librarian at Silverdale Elementary and mother of 6, called in to a local radio program today to help raise awareness of the dangers that children face around Halloween.

"Most parents supervise their children while trick-or-treating so that they aren't abducted by sexual predators or hit by a car," Garrett explained. "Many are even aware of the need to inspect treats for hidden razor blades and poison. But suprisingly few parents are aware of another lurking danger that children face upon returning home."

Garrett does believe that Halloween treats can be deadly, even if they don't contain arsenic or HIV infected blood filled syringes, as is often the case these days. A simple MRI scan of your child's bag of goodies, and a run through a mass spectrometer, can rule out these concerns. According to Garrett, these basic safety checks unfortunately fall far short of fully protecting our children.

"Today's treats are chock full of dangerous, obesity causing substances such as sugar, fat, and trans fat. Studies I've heard of reveal that just one box of Nerds candies increases the risk of diabetes by 300%. And a Hershey's Minatures Mr. Goodbar decreases a child's life expectancy by 6 months. A Krackel by a full year. This is why I only give out healthy snacks and porn."

More Infants Turning to Alternative Potty Training.....

Jacksonville, FL-Despite decades of scientific advancements such as flush toilets, disposable diapers, and Diaper Genies, a growing number of infants are turning to alternative methods of potty training.

"It's easy to assume that a young infant can't toilet train since infants are small and uncoordinated, and also because they cannot walk or talk," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at a local Freecheeks Diaperless Potty Training Center, explained. "But today's saavy baby is wisely considering his or her options before diving into any one particular program, even if it is one that the majority of parents have been using these days."

Pennock further revealed that "Our method isn't for everyone, but it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their newborn to 6 month old babies have to say about their personal elimination functions. And all they will need is enough newspaper to cover the floors of their house and a garden hose. But what they won't need is any more diapers!"

Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterologist and parent of 5, isn't sold on what he considers unfounded diaper training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not.