Friday, April 25, 2014

Update on Asshole Toddler Tackle Lewinsky.....

Portland, ME- In October of last year, Knudsen's News published a story on the unfortunate case of Tackle Lewinsky, a complete asshole at only 2 years of age. Sadly, I must now report that Tackle, who had recently learned the use of a few pronouns and begun to follow directions with multiple steps, has died. He was pecked to death by a flock of black-capped chickadees, birds known for their hatred of assholes as much as their taste for human flesh.

Tackle Lewinsky, mere moments before being pecked to death by over a hundred black-capped chickadees
"Even though he was suuuuuuuuch a complete asshole, I still loved him," Tackle's mother Lurleen Lewinsky said to a crowd of family members and curious onlookers as his casket was lowered into the ground. "I figured he'd die an old asshole in some kind of nursing home, not like this....not like this."

Even as Tackle, who could walk up and down stairs and build a tower with 8 blocks, lay in a puddle of chickadee feathers and his own blood, researchers in San Diego were announcing a breakthrough in our understanding of how toddlers become assholes. Tackle will not be able to benefit, but his mother has generously donated his brain to medical research. She is also starting a fundraising foundation, Tackle's Toddlers, with the goal of raising money to aid researchers in their quest to find a cure.

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