Laguna Beach, CA- A complete mystery for thousands of years, the underlying mechanism at the heart of astrology may now be fully understood. Researchers at the Astrological Research Institute (ARI) in Laguna Beach have released the findings of an exhaustive year-long survey which proves beyond reasonable doubt that the influence of the positions of the stars on future health is epigenetic in nature. The study authors were so confident in the robustness of their findings that they chose to bring them straight to the public in order to avoid a lengthy peer review process that would delay widespread societal benefit.
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| An Epigenetic Astrologer, shown here demonstrating the ancient technique of Rhinomancy, can predict a poopy diaper nearly half the time |
"Epigenetics is the science of change at the level of individual DNA base pairs and in the cellular machinery that creates the proteins that build our bodies," Astrologer and Scientist-in-Residence at ARI Tobias Tarkington explained. "Subtle energies determined by celestial alignments have long been known to influence the human body and now we know exactly how they do it."
The study, which was sent out to all United States citizens, including Washington D.C. and Porto Rico, involved a series of questions which used a comfort scale developed specifically for this research. Respondents were asked to rate their comfort with accepting that either epigenetics or astrology played a key role in determining their future, but not both according to Tarkington. "The survey was blinded and placebo controlled because subjects in Pool A didn't know any of the subjects in Pool B to the best of our knowledge and every 5th survey sent out was just a blank piece of paper."
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