Sunday, May 1, 2016

Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion Researchers Still Looking for Answers.....

Baton Rouge, LA- When Jessica and Tina Parish left their quaint suburban bungalow, looking forward to their first night out without adopted infant son Calcasieu, the last thing they expected was a frantic call from the babysitter.

Squirrels, like Bob McWhiskers from Canton, OH, may to blame for cases of sudden unexplained infant combustion

"He's on fire! The baby is on fire," babysitter and LSU junior Myrtle Plantation recalls screaming into her Apple 6 smartphone. "It's the last thing I expected to happen."

Expected or not, sweet little Calcasieu had erupted into a nine pound ball of flames and liquefied fat without warning. The Parish family was left with a tiny pile of ashes and one very large question. Why? 

Calcasieu had never burst into flames before. He didn't have an untreated fever leading up to the event. The adoption agency had provided documentation stating that there was no family history of smoke coming out of people's ears when they get angry, let alone suddenly catching fire for no apparent reason.

Unfortunately, pediatric experts like Mort Fishman, MD don't have many answers when it comes to the spontaneous combustion of human infants. "Most of our data comes from mouse and primate studies. It's difficult to know how much we can apply to a human child like precious little Calcasieu."

Historically, Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion (SUIC) has been lumped together with cases of Spontaneous Human Combusion (SHC). SHC is considerably more popular and better studied, with recent advances in screening and prevention having changed the prognosis from certain horrible death to a chronic disease with expectations of a normal life expectancy, much like AIBS, Advanced Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But Fishman believes that SUIC and SHC may be distinctly different conditions.

The origin of SHC as a human disease is now widely accepted to have occurred when Spontaneous Simian Combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans that time when Pete and Wendy Jenkins took that trip to Africa. Experts aren't so certain when it comes to SUIC. Quantum linkage analysis of mitochondrions recovered from the remains of patients reveal squirrel DNA. Complicating things is the fact that, like SHC, there has never been a witnessed case. This has allowed a number of competing etiological hypotheses to emerge, like formula fracking and squirrel suicide bombers. 

The Parish family has had to deal with a lot of uncertainty since that tragic day. But they haven't given up hope that science will shine a light on the mysterious condition that took their son. For now, researchers like Mort Fishman MD remain baffled.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Cleveland Clinic Unveils New Integrative Medical Emergency Codes.....

Cleveland, OH- As part of its mission to address an increasing demand for integrative healthcare, Cleveland Clinic's Center for Integrative & Lifestyle Medicine and Center for Functional Medicine have focused on providing hospital patients access to a wide variety of alternative medical practices. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a free lunch in the practice of medicine. In order to deal with the increasing number of unconventional inpatient emergencies, the Cleveland Clinic has announced the immediate institution of a new set of integrative medical emergency codes for hospital use.

Cleveland Clinic tickle therapists, shown here responding to a Code Grump

"It would be foolish to think that expanding our understanding of health and wellness wouldn't come with a price, Delos "Toby" Cosgrove, CEO and President of Cleveland Clinic, explained. "We live on the leading edge of integrating alternative and conventional medicine at the Cleveland Clinic, and once again we are serving as an example for other facilities to follow."

Hospital emergency codes, such as "Code Blue" in the case of respiratory or cardiac arrest, have historically been used to alert hospital staff to current or potential emergencies. Announced over facility loudspeakers or via the use of a paging system, they allow for an efficient and effective response from appropriate people or teams. Cleveland Clinic has instituted a new coverage system to make sure that appropriate alternative medical personnel are available at all times. The following are examples of some of the new integrative medical emergency codes:

1. Code Wobble - Immediate response from Quantum Therapy (QT) for analysis and stabilization of a patient's vibrational imbalance
2. Code Shake and Bake - Immediate response from Homeopathics for evaluation of a patient that has been administered, and is suffering an acute reaction to, an overly succussed remedy
3. Code Accordion - Immediate response from Chiropractic team for stabilization of a patient suffering from Accordion syndrome, or total collapse of the spine secondary to sudden-onset subluxation disorder
4. Code Three Gorges - Immediate response from Acupuncture team for management of a overwhelming or multifocal chi stagnation (MCS)
5. Code Corkscrew - Immediate response from the Lyme Literate physician on-call for confirmation and initiation of IV antibiotics for a patient with chronic Lyme disease

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Oregon Traditional Midwives Upgrade to Level 3 Home Births.....

Portland, OR- Home births, while on the rise across the United States, remain a controversial but empowering option for bringing a new baby into the world. Hospital deliveries may allow rapid access to modern medical interventions, but are seen by some as a patriarchal distraction from what matters most, the crafting of an ideal experience. A new breed of health-related non-professionals are helping to bring the two approaches together in Oregon.

A deluxe birthing pond like the one shown here can accommodate a mother, her newborn infant, several large koi, and a small to medium sized dolphin with ease

When Karyn Smith decided to have her first baby in the comfort of her own home, she wanted to make sure that every possible precaution was taken to ensure the safety of her personal narrative, of which she had been the hero for as long as she could remember. She researched the most popular home delivery blogs, hired a human doula, and had a birthing pond dug in the backyard in preparation for her big day. She even updated her Facebook profile regularly throughout the process. Finally, she joined a growing number of Oregon women choosing to have their social currency payloads delivered with the assistance of an advanced, or level 3, traditional midwife.

"Going with a level 3 midwife just made the most sense," Smith explained. "They are trained to manage pregnancy and delivery complications in ways that preserve the sanctity of a mother's experience, and none of my friends have used one yet. That's important to me, and it will be important to my followers on Instagram."

Level 3 traditional midwives are not licensed by the state of Oregon, and are not allowed to provide oxygen or IV medications. But they make up for any deficiencies in training or the ability to prevent maternal or perinatal mortality by offering advanced experience-supportive measures in the case of an emergency, such as hiring a live band to accompany the second of labor or providing an assortment of delicious chocolates. According to Joan Odenkirk, an advanced traditional midwife who completed some high school and has watched several deliveries in person and on YouTube. "It usually works out great!"

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Integrative Therapy Cat Brings Reiki to Those Most in Need.....

Belvidere, NE- Although the Pope has declared that only baptized heterosexual dogs that have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, he may soon change his subjectively determined opinion after learning about 9-year-old tortoiseshell cat Gloria King, a Reiki therapy animal at Shady Acres Post-Productivity Citizen Storage Facility 37-C.

Reiki practitioner Gloria King
"She may not be going to Heaven, but she certainly came from there," coherent old man and Shady Acres resident Mitch Rangler explained. "I love that cat more than anything, even my fading memories of that time I met Mamie Van Doren. Now that was a handsome woman. A handsome woman. Excuse me, but I seem to have soiled myself, would you please call the nurse?"

Gloria King, a former stray and the first cat to have achieved the distinction of being a Level 7 Reiki Grand Master, was entirely self-taught, leading some in the Reiki community to believe that she may be the chosen one prophesied in the Tome of the Ancients. Her unique gift was discovered, seemingly on accident one day, when she was found in the bushes in front of the facility soon after Maynard Hanson had remarked that his crippling arthritis "seemed a mite better." She has lived at Shady Acres every since, and has even taken on duties as Social Director.

"There is definitely something going on that I can't explain," Mort Fishman MD, a conventional medical geriatrician that makes rounds at the facility every Tuesday, allowed. "Somehow it just seems to know when one of these old geezers is about to kick the bucket. Gloria King? I thought we were talking about the cat that senses death. Sorry, he was just here on a national tour."

This miraculous feline may not be able to predict when one of the Shady Acres residents is about to die, but she does seem to know exactly who needs her most that day. In fact, the nurses are all like, "How did Gloria King know that Mrs. Ashmore was up all night vomiting tapioca and glazed ham?" Seriously, everyone is like, "How does she know?"

Reiki, an ancient technique that involves the channeling of healing energy through touch from practitioner to patient in order to activate innate restorative processes, appears to be well suited to cats. Gloria King, who is blind and paralyzed since being accidentally crushed under the wheels of a Little Rascal mobility scooter in 2013, loves to lay in a resident's lap for hours on end. But it doesn't take much time with Gloria King to see that beneath those knowing milky white eyes she is doing God's work.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Local Man Outraged Over Food and Wine Pairing.....

Diggens, TX-Dave Catania, a long time wine enthusiast, has expressed outraged over wine waiter Franz Chaubert's pairing suggestions for his appetizer and main entree last night at a local Sizzler Steakhouse restaurant.

Diggens native Dave Catania, shown here mere moments before initiating a cosmic chain of events that will culminate in the bloody end of all mankind
"The sushi was served with a 2003 Riesling that was far too sweet," Catania explained. "My scallops were served with a Chardonnay that was just insulting. Sure it was drinkable, but severely over-oaked. And the lamb came with a Syrah that tasted like the chef added raspberry syrup to it. I'm simply not going to stand for this kind of treatment, which is why I've filed a grievance with the Court of Master Sommeliers."

Master Sommelier Doug Frost, a member of the Court of Master Sommeliers (CMS) and widely considered to be America's foremost expert on pairing wine with food, was formally presented a copy of the grievance in the secret underground Fortress of Sommeliers earlier today. "This is what we, the members of the Court of Master Sommeliers and protectors of mankind, have been dreading for decades. A weak and uninspired list of pairings such as this is a clear sign that the events of the great prophecy are finally at hand. We will do what we can to save humanity from the upcoming horrors, but even the combined powers of the Court of Master Sommeliers may not be enough."

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Experts Warn Parents to Avoid Black Market Ultra Absorbent Diapers.....

Irving, TX- Citing new researcher from the Kimberly-Clark Institute for Applied Absorbency (IAA), authorities are warning parents to avoid black market ultra absorbent diapers available for sale online and from disreputable brick-and-mortar sources in a growing number of U.S. cities.

A toddler, shown here wearing an ultra absorbent black market diaper mere seconds before collapsing to the ground in a pile of bone dust, teeth, nails, and hair
"This is a serious issue that parents and pediatric healthcare professionals need to be aware of," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "When we tested one in the lab, we were like, this can't be happening. But it was. It's true. All of it. The diapers, the insane absorbency, they're real."

Thanks to the team at IAA, federal authorities may finally have a smoking gun in their investigation of a growing number of infant and toddler disappearances over the past several months. Lead IAA researcher Hanz Gladstone believes that the illegal ultra absorbent diapers are so powerful that children are being literally absorbed to death. "Around the lab we refer to the diaper's wetness indicator as the blue line of doom. A postdoc lost a hand just trying to put one on a research mannequin."

Mort Fishman, MD, FAAP, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Section on Infantile Incontinence, is calling for the media to help raise awareness of the nasty nappies. "Parents should only purchase Federal Diaper Association approved products. They should never sacrifice the safety of their children for the siren call of a dry baby bottom."

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Sorghum Still Least Popular Grain in Key Tween Demographic.....

Omaha, Nebraska- Since reporting on the last American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI) survey in 2007, not much has changed for the beleaguered sorghum industry. The ten-year survey, an assessment of attitudes towards and frequency of use of various grains sent to all children ages 9 to 13 years living in the United States, has once again revealed sorghum to be the least popular cereal crop among preteens and adolescents. In contrast to it's rock bottom popularity in the U.S. however, sorghum continues to be an extremely important cereal crop internationally, with over 440,000 square kilometers devoted to its production.

Even Anne Hathaway, shown here filming an ad for sorghum's "It Probably Tastes Fine!" campaign, wasn't able to boost its sagging popularity among tweens
"Let's just say that the sorghum industry did not see this coming," recently elected Sorghum Council representative Anderson Sawyer explained. "It's disheartening to see all of our hard work, not to mention the monetary investment, fail so completely. It's time to regroup and come up with a fresh approach."

It's Déjà vu for the sorghum industry as once again experts in the field of marketing and crop psychology are claiming that a complete retooling of the grain's image is necessary to improve mind and market share. Grain analyst Null Smith is skeptical that it will ever be possible for sorghum to compete with leaders in preadolescent popularity like buckwheat and millet, or even with spelt, a surprising newcomer to the top five most popular whole grains. "They are going to need something big. I'm talking Adele announcing that she gargles sorghum syrup to soothe her sore throat. Or maybe a sex tape with what's his name. The guy with the hair. You know, the black one."

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Adrian Brody Announces Endorsement of Syntech Chemical.....

Houston, TX-In a press conference held today at Syntech Chemical's Global Headquarters, Oscar winner Adrien Brody announced his full endorsement of the companies vision for the future.

Oscar winner Adrien Brody, shown above with arms folded and lightly mussed hair, rarely endorses products.

"From simple reactions to multi-step batch reactions, Syntech Chemical is committed to delivering a quality product, on time, and to precise performance specifications," Brody, the star of such films as Jailbreakers and King Kong stated. "I don't trust anyone but Syntech for my centrifugations, distillations, tolling, vacuum and other chemical processes!"

Syntech Vice-President James Gordon remarked "This really is a shock. We didn't go to Mr. Brody, he came to us. We had no idea he was such a fan of our work. Robert Downey Jr. sure, but this was honestly a big surprise for all of us. I haven't seen that piano movieWas it any good?"

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

5 Mind Blowing Behind-the-Scenes Facts about Scrubs!.....

Think You'll Never Watch Scrubs! the Same Way Again? Probably After Reading This!

Scrubs!, an immensely popular Peabody Award winning television series that ran for 9 critically noticed seasons, still has legions of devoted fans. And thanks to streaming services like Netflix, Amazon Prime, CloudDump, Streamflush, Faceblast, and Eyescraper, so-called Scrubheads! can watch their favorite show for hours at a time, urinating in buckets and living off of couch crumbs and leftover packets of duck sauce. But even the most hardcore fans will be amazed by these five behind-the-scenes revelations!

The original cast of Scrubs!, shown here right before transmorphing into their Power Scrub battle suits, was replaced after the pilot was picked up by NBC.

1. Scrubs!, though based on the inner workings of a real hospital and the day-to-day lives of typical staff, is actually fictional. The doctors, nurses and other hospital staff are played by actors and actresses. But did you know that the patients were shipped over from nearby Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center in order to give a sense of urgency and realism to the production. Zach Braff has described the show as "an exploration of the true nature of human suffering and the inner turmoil of a group of people without any real attachments to each other or the world around them, essentially serving as a suicide note for mankind." Hilarious but true!

2. You've probably seen the show's famous catch phrase, "Hey, give me back my scrubs you dummy!", on tee-shirts or on signs at political protests. But did you know that it happened by accident? According to show creator Bill Lawrence, it was never even in the script! "One day John C. McGinley realized that an extra had accidentally picked up his scrubs. So he just starts wailing on the guy and screaming for him to give his scrubs back. I don't think the poor bastard ever regained consciousness but he was one of those orphans owned by the studio so we all had a good laugh." Now that's a spicy meatball!

Neil Flynn, shown here performing a scene from his off-Broadway one-man show Man in Chair
3. The fan favorite character portrayed by veteran comic actor Neil Flynn, indirectly referred to as "Diamond Jim" throughout the show's run, wasn't originally intended to be J.D.'s real father. Flynn revealed the original plan for the role in his recently published autobiography, I Am Diamond Jim. "The first day on set they have me in this Janitor outfit, and I'm like what if I'm really J.D.'s long lost father AND the janitor?" You can say that again!

4. Who can forget season 4's very special episode on teen drinking and driving? But did you know that it was special for another reason, one that was only recently revealed on Lifetown's "The Unapproved Story of Scrubs! Episode I: The Omega Protocol?" The episode, directed by none other than Scrubs! own Donald Faison ("Turf"), was written by Scrubhead! and former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney. Faison revealed, "If you look closely in the scene where robot Elliot disembowels the Megaraptor, Cheney can be seen peeking out from behind the leaves of a potted ficus tree." Only on television!

Actress Judy Reyes, shown here holding the Vessel of Azolgoth
5. Everyone knows about the backwards title sequence chest x-ray and the weekly human sacrifices to appease the Demon Lord Azolgoth, but did you know that each and every episode of Scrubs! contains secret hidden messages designed to hasten the apocalypse. Sad sack lawyer Ted Buckland, played by twins Sam and Chris Evert-Lloyd, wrote about the role of Scrubs! in the eventual demise of man in their children's novel, The Tickle Fairies' Blood Pact. "If you take every sixth letter of every sixth word of every sixth episode, it spells out the incantation to be spoken during the Azolgoth's awakening ceremony." That's the fleek!

Monday, February 1, 2016

Dangerous "Kinesio Tape Challenge" Increasing in Popularity Among Teen Boys.....

Lindon, UT- The latest viral internet stunt sweeping the nation, known as the "Kinesio Tape Challenge," has left one teenage boy severely injured and fighting for his life.

McHuggins, shown here all messed up by a catastrophic reaction to an unprofessional application of Kinesio Tape

"They think it's just harmless fun," physical therapist and Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner Dirk LaGrange CKTP explained. "But large numbers of adolescents are putting their health at risk when they apply Kinesio Tape technology to themselves or their friends without proper training or supervision."

When Gundar McHuggins Jr., a 15-year-old sophomore at Lindon High, allowed a friend to carelessly apply hundreds of strips of the powerful tape to his extremities and torso, he only expected to experience few laughs. They even filmed the stunt for uploading to the YouTube. But instead of an afternoon of fun, the camera captured a young man's fight to survive.

McHuggins, once haphazardly covered in the tape, began to show signs of problems almost immediately according to expert analysis of the video by LaGrange. He pointed out that the signs can be subtle at first, but eventually even the untrained eye can pick up on more overt evidence of a dangerous reaction. "Right at about the 30-second mark you see Gundar begin to look fatigued and his respiration is slower, deeper, and more forceful. A few minutes later he's on the ground, violently seizing, and the lower part of his body is swollen almost beyond recognition."

According to experts like LaGrange, Kinesio Tape is far more than just fancy elastic athletic tape. Properly applied strips, which come in variety of vibrant colors, can support injured musculature and reduce fatigue. It can even improve lymphatic drainage and reduce inflammation. The first thing is good and the second is really, really bad. It works using the power of proprioception, a neuromuscular feedback system in the body, and helps injured muscles relax while at the same time encouraging healthy muscles to work harder. It's amazing!

When a professional applies the tape, exact placement is key to the widespread anecdotal reports of benefit. Strips must align perfectly with the targeted muscles and the direction of lymph flow. Improper placement can restrict muscle movement and impair drainage. McHuggins was nearly suffocated when he struggled to breath against the force of the Kinesio Tape strips scattered over his chest and back, and he suffered nearly complete lymph obstruction in his lower extremities, essentially an acute form of elephantiasis. Although he is now stable on a breathing machine, doctors say that he may require several operations to fully restore lymphatic flow and prevent chronic severe swelling of his legs and feet.

Gundar's mother is warning parents about the risk of Kinesio Tape. She believes that the tape should be kept out of the reach of small children and that families who keep it in the home should have frank discussions about its risks as well as a safety plan. "This is a medical tool and it has risk. It has the ability to improve the lives of millions, perhaps even billions of people, but used incorrectly it can ruin lives too."