Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Area Parents Struggle to Discuss Trump Victory with Young Democrats.....

Brookline, MA-  Many Clinton supporting Brookline toddlers awoke to the shocking news of a Trump victory today, leaving their parents burdened with the challenge of calming their fears and guiding them through a complex discussion of an uncertain future.

Parents Dawn and Felipe Ramirez, shown here holding a framed image of their unborn fetus captured at the exact moment he was told that Trump had won the election

"My sweet, innocent 4-year-old daughter awoke in a new country this morning," Brookline parent Allysa Hightower explained. "I sobbed that Trump had won and that the country was falling apart and she cried in desperate solidarity, joining me in anguish over the choices of our electorate. The video I made already has over two hundred Likes on Facebook!"

Pediatric mental health professionals, like Mort Fishman MD from the Center for Politically Conscious Preschoolers, are calling on parents of so-called "nasty toddlers" to handle any discussions of the election in a reassuring and thoughtful manner. He recommends the use of child-friendly communication tools like Play-Doh or hand puppets in order to help young children to fully grasp the consequences of the election and the now unavoidable hellscape of Trump's America. "The toddlers have it rough, but I really feel bad for the unborn Clinton supporters who have been apprised of the election results but have no means of communicating their fears outside of facial expressions or at best a rudimentary form of Morse code."


Friday, November 4, 2016

New Hospital Infection Control Guidelines Recommend Single-Use Therapy Dogs.....

Arlington, VA- The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) has issued a new set of guidelines for the prevention of hospital acquired infections that includes the recommendation that all hospitals transition to single-use therapy dogs by 2020.

Single-use therapy dog Thomas Cavendish, shown here mere moments before incineration

"The IDSA understands and appreciates the joy that a visit from a therapy dog can bring to a hospitalized patient," IDSA President William G. Powderly explained. "Our new guidelines allow for both high quality infection control and snuggling with an adorable canine companion. In fact, that's one of our core values."

While the majority of American hospitals do not currently use disposable therapy dogs, some have been stocking them for years. Mort Fishman MD, Chief of Infection Control and Prevention at Our Lady of the Bloated Coffers Regional Medical Center in Lafayette, Louisiana, initiated a move to single-use dogs in 2012. "It cost us $73 million to expand storage and upgrade disposal capabilities, but it was worth it after that unfortunate autoclave incident."

Friday, August 19, 2016

Toilets are the New Smoking, Some Doctors Say Maybe?

Sinks, paper towel dispensers, hand dryers, latching stall doors, and flushing toilets are ubiquitous in bathrooms across the United States. There are varying degrees of technology, such as hands-free faucets or those Japanese toilets that analyze stool for vitamin deficiencies, but our bathrooms have many more similarities than differences. One important similarity is our American sedentary personal hygiene culture, and studies are showing that all that sitting on the toilet may be hazardous to our health.

An example of the sedentary toileting style popular in the United States

Whether at home, at work, or masturbating at the local library, American adults are spending a lot of time on toilets, and some experts say it's taking its toll on our bodies. The Ye Olde Nebraskian recently interviewed Dr. Mort Fishman, director of the Center for Research and Studies in Belvidere, Nebraska and inventor of the standing and treadmill toilets. Fishman has spent the better part of three decades investigating the consequences of an increasingly sedentary approach to toileting on our health and has come up with and extremely simple explanation:

"Seated toileting is more dangerous than smoking, kills more people than Ebola, and is riskier than wrestling a shark on his birthday. We are quite literally shitting ourselves to death."

Fishman was the first medical researcher to compare seated toilet time with smoking, but he's not alone in his fight to change the way we defecate. Piles of research has been published revealing that prolonged sitting on the toilet increases the risk of developing various cancers, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes. "In regions of the world where these luxury diseases are almost unheard of, invariably these are cultures that spend very little time sitting on flush toilets. There are many conditions not even described in the academic literature until after their invention."

Still, there are many unanswered questions. Is there any acceptable amount of seated toilet time? Can these detrimental health effects be counteracted by increased exercise or by making the switch to a standing toilet later in life? Does maternal sedentary toileting cause autism? Is breastfeeding protective?

Until the science is clear, experts near the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta are recommending that we keep seated toilet time to the exact amount necessary. Fishman recommends that anyone using a conventional seated flush toilet should remove all reading material from the bathroom and install a system that administers an electric shock after a predetermined amount of time has passed. But he has an even better solution: cultural evolution. "Why are we relying on the use of what is essentially a 16th century technology? We have astronauts crapping in space for Christ's sake. Stand up for your health!"

Monday, August 15, 2016

Doctors Discover Terrifying Ghost Baby in Local Woman's Uterus, Skeptics Baffled.....

Culpeper, VA- It's on every woman's nightmare top ten list, a haunted or possessed uterus. Unfortunately for one Culpeper teen, this nightmare has become a reality. Doctors at Culpeper Regional Hospital are reporting a shocking discovery during the routine ultrasound of a female patient being seen for unexplained bloating and abdominal pain.

Unexplained entity seen on ultrasound of Culpeper teen

"We thought we were working up a simple case of appendicitis with a small intestinal obstruction, but there it was on the screen," emergency medicine physician Mort Fishman explained. "I called in everyone, even the janitor and that nun that's always skulking around the ICU. It was pretty grainy and a bit blurry, but we all saw it. And I think it saw us."

The woman, who has not been identified, was released into the custody of her parents and under the supervision of Father Mark Moretti from nearby Precious Blood Catholic Church. Her parents have requested privacy but did release the following statement: "We suspected something was wrong weeks ago when she complained of frequent bouts of intense nausea and unusual food cravings. That demon probably got in there while she was on her senior trip to Boston back in April."

Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of demon babies during his 50 years in Culpeper. "Demon babies come and demon babies go around here. And people move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963 and I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Breaking it Down: How Americans are Treating Their Colds.....



14%- Pentobarbital induced coma for 5-7 days or until able to breathe through nose.   

21%- Home suction device powered by Wartsila-Sulzer RTA96-C turbocharged diesel engine on loan from the US Navy.  

25%- Time travel to point prior to onset of cold, murder past self, take deep satisfying last breath while slowly fading into non-existence.

13%- Human sized hamster ball fitted with medical-grade HEPA filtration for trips outside the house.

15%- Moving family into secret underground bunker every Winter.

12%- 
Nasal irrigation with Aunt Mabel’s chicken soup (Blue Ribbon winner at the county fair in 1953, the year Maynard’s hog got into the rat poison and up and died).

Monday, June 27, 2016

Experts Warn of Looming Peak in Conference Speaker Availability.....

Vancouver, BC-Citing a steady increase in the number of popular science and technology "idea conferences" over the past several years, industry experts fear that we may soon reach a peak in the capability of humanity to provide speakers.

This large potted plant, shown here being mistaken for a speaker at TEDxSanAntonio, has a book coming out in the Fall.

"Computer models have consistently put peak speaker somewhere in the early part of next decade," TED curator Chris Anderson explained. "That's the point where the maximum extraction rate of speakers is reached, after which we enter a decline from which we can't recover. By 2050, there just won't be any people left who haven't already spoken at one of our conferences. At that point, we'll become cannibals as the remnants of our species struggle to survive the breakdown of society and culture."

Many are placing the blame for the looming shortage of conference participants on the rapid expansion of quality conferences, the most egregious example being TEDx. Expansion, it is believed, is diluting the international pool of interesting speakers. Designed to foster a conversation about a variety of new ideas in individual communities, it quickly became clear that the bar for TEDx acceptance was set far too low in order to fill an ever increasing number of speaking slots.

"The original focus of TED and similar conferences was to encourage the sharing of "ideas worth spreading," sociologist Leather Handsome revealed. "With the development of extensions like TEDx, conference attendees are lucky to hear ideas with vowels. Seriously, one guy just grunted for ten minutes at TEDxOslo."

With thousands of these independently organized TED-like events taking place every year in numerous countries, and more popping up all the time, conferences have been forced to come up with new strategies. Many, particularly those in larger cities, are simply expanding the range of topics that are covered to include less conventional ideas, such as alternative medicine, self-help, and VCR repair. Some have been forced to try passing former speakers off as new by using a different name and having them put on a fake mustache.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

New Mouse Study Sheds Light on Human Love of Cheese.....

San Diego, CA- Scientists at the Scripps Research Institute have announced the surprising findings of a year-long investigation into a complex human behavior using the latest technological advances in murine modelling.

Study subject CM-411 "Sir Wiggletail" shown here eating a small cheese wedge and wearing a hat his wife made for him

"We literally ran thousands of trials using hundreds of live mice," lead researcher Hammock Lampshade explained. "After a brief exposure combining study variables, we began to see a pattern emerge that was incredibly consistent. Based on our findings, it is safe to conclude that humans love eating cheese and will repeatedly run through a maze to acquire more. But the research goes much deeper than just that."

Years of anecdotal observations have consistently revealed an apparent connection between humans and coagulated milk curds, sometimes referred to as cheese, or more commonly in Europe and non-Europe not-America, as hardsycurdsy. The varieties of cheese developed over the decades since its discovery one day just sitting there in an old milk bucket on a New Hampferdshire dairy farm, are staggering. If you've ever had pizza or Hardsycurdsy pie, you have had cheese.

Until now, research looking into human consumption of cheese has been sparse and superficial. Scientists have been trying to gain insight into our seemingly hardwired infatuation ever since President Bill Clinton begged the scientific community to unlock the mysteries of cheese during his penultimate term in office. Is it a neurological disorder, or perhaps simply an epigenetically imprinted instinct passed down from our cheese eating prosimian ancestors?

The observation that our love of cheese has developed into such a wide variety of phenotypes has always suggested that it is caused by the combined interactions between multiple regions of the brain. The amygdala probably serves as a neural linchpin, but the most widely recognized expressions of the human passion for cheese, such as grated Parmesan on a plate of meatballs or sliced mozzarella on a Caprese salad, are believed to originate in the orbital frontal cortex (OFC) and the ventromedial striatum (VMS). These areas of the brain are in charge of decision making and volitional activity as well as our experience of fear and response to the perception of risk. In functional MRI studies, when a waiter asked subjects to "say when" as he began to dump shredded Parmesan into the their open mouths, the OFC and VMS moved a little.

To tease out these neural pathways, and how their malfunction may have resulted in the invention of fondue, the Scripps researchers turned to a new technology called olfactogenetics. After developing a viral conveyance for a sequence of genetic code that results in the production of olfactory neurons sensitive to the scent of strong cheese and shoe store loaner socks, they injected it into the brains of lab mice. This genetic modification caused the mice to develop extreme sensitivity to these particular odors.

"When we triggered the olfactory stimulation, we expected to see an increase in abnormal behavior," Lampshade revealed. "Would the mice demonstrate merely an increased attraction to cheese? An obsession? Would they traverse a cleverly designed maze if a lump of cheese was placed at the other end? Would they murder each other for just a tiny sliver? After several days of exposure for a few minutes each day, we began to see an interesting pattern emerge."

According to the team, the mice had been neurologically poked in such a way as to cause an intense love of cheese. Even after the mice were returned to the prison population, they continued to experience cravings that lasted for over a week. Some of the mice had to be given a cheese taper in order to wean them without severe withdrawal symptoms. Sadly, one mouse took her own life by hurling herself into the path of Snuggles, the lab's psychic death cat.

The team's findings have expanded our understanding a great deal, particularly regarding why some humans can go for long periods of time without significant cheese consumption and then, often after a psychosocial stressor such as a bad day at work or the unexpected conclusion of a romantic relationship, consume large quantities in a single sitting. But are humans born with the potential for these events, or does repeated normal exposure establish a pattern of brain neurochemistry that is primed over time. Future research into these questions is already being planned.

This research also expands our concept of the underlying neural connections behind the desire for cheese, and may be the first step in the development of drugs that specifically target cravings in people diagnosed with Obsessive Cheese Desire (OCD). OCD is widely regarded as one of the more prevalent food obsession disorders and likely plays a role in some people being fat and gross. A pharmaceutical option that reduces the need for deep-brain scrapings (DBS) would probably be welcomed by the aforementioned gross fatties if they could stop eating cheese for five minutes.

The deepest mysteries of OCD remain, however. Unless you are advocating drilling into the heads of patients with the disorder to see if there is actual cheese up in there, and what kind of cheese it is, we may never find answers to all of these questions. Still, drills are cheap and plentiful and OCD sufferers may just be desperate enough to agree to it if publicly shamed.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Wendy's to Introduce Naturally Formed French Fries.....

Dublin, OH- In an effort to win over increasingly health conscious American diners, the Wendy's fast food restaurant chain will begin offering naturally formed french fries in select West Coast locations this Summer.
All Wendy's naturally formed fries are made from organic Idaho russet potatoes each individually hugged by kittens right up until harvest 
"We took the fast food world by storm with our natural-cut fries back in 2011," Wendy's founder Dave Thomas's official corporeal vessel and Vice President of Postmortal Communications Brabara Bloodstone explained. "People don't just want high quality ingredients that their grandmother would have had in her kitchen, or that were concocted in some laboratory on Skull island. They want to know that what they are eating has a genuine connection with nature that is maintained right up until they shove handfuls of it down their gullets, barely even taking the time to chew more than once or twice."

According to Marketing Control Program 10.1, Wendy's naturally formed fries will revolutionize the fast food experience because at no point in their journey from "spud to sphincter" will they be processed in any way. In fact, they won't even be touched by human hands at all. "All of our fries will be compassionately collected by trained non-GMO monkeys only after all-natural elements, such as wind and water, have eroded the potato into bite size chunks, but before it has become unpalatable due to mushiness and rot." 

Wendy's naturally formed fries will be priced a stone's throw from what customers are comfortable paying for their current fries, coming in at just under $10 per fry. Customers can also personally select which individual fries they would like to be placed in Wendy's new Native American Dreambasket™ as well as which artisinal dipping sauce they would like hand painted onto their fries by area art students, homeless people, and homeless art students. All fries will be lightly coated in Dead Sea salt and prayed over by Latvian monks for a minimum of 6 weeks.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Biohacking Your Way to True Health.....

Mitch Rangler
Fully apprenticed Nutritionologist, Presdent and CEO of The Health Patrol, shown here pointing his feelings

Everywhere you look these days, people are biohacking. But what is biohacking and what can it do for you? Just give you true health, that's what! And if anyone is already thinking up some lame excuse, I have a rabbit punch just for you. A rabbit punch of truth. Besides, biohacking is so easy that any fathead can do it. Even you!

Biohacking is so easy, any fathead can do it!

When you take biology and hack it, you are biohacking. With biohacking, you can change your body and your life from the inside. Like how I eat tapioca every day to smooth out lumpy stools or when I breathe so that I won't die. Biohacking!
Biohack your body with every breath!
Looking for more advanced biohacking, like those people on the television, in that show with all of the ethnics? With my help, you can revolutionize your body down to the molecular level. You'll be able to change your personal genetic blueprint without leaving your house, apartment, or retirement community. That'll show your no good son for just leaving you at that dump one rainy Sunday like the time I drove a homeless man deep into the woods and chained him to a stump.
I don't have a son. Not anymore!
What if I told you that you were only one self-addressed stamped envelope away from the amazing world of biohacking? Still not convinced? You will be after you read my guide to quick and effortless biohacking!
Biohacking!
Biohacking allows you to take control of your own biology, and it couldn't be simpler. Using medical, nutritional, physical, or electronic interventions, you will wake up every day ready to take on the world. Food will taste better. Water will feel wetter. You'll have limited telekinetic powers. 
Confused? Scared? Curious? That's stupid. I hate stupid people more than I hate Milton Butts for winning the election for social director. What was his big idea again? Movies? Any baked potato with two thumbs can set up a damn projector. I'll take my creamed spinach in the solarium and leave the show business to that clown.
You may already be biohacking and not even know it. That's right! Here a few common everyday examples:

Examples!
1. Taking A calmative to help relax at the end of a long day, or a refreshing caffeine enema before an important job interview.
2. Surgically hooking a Fitbit to your neuroendocrine system in order to measure erectile torque. Mine is eleven. Well it's at least ten. Fine, it's five on most days but it reached nine that time I found a Mamie Van Doren poster at the flea market.
3. Using hypnosis to get over your fear of opening the bathroom door one day and finding your ex-wife just standing there like the last 30 years never happened. I'm too emotionally crippled? I told her I wasn't the kind of man that understands human emotion during the ceremony!
 Essentially, biohacking is a holistic approach to body maintenance mostly based on the idea that what goes into the body impacts how we feel. Optimizing the input can unleash our output and synergize any backwards overflow. You'll experience better mood, improved recall, heightened senses and the ability to pass through solid objects like walls or a 1998 Buick Skylark.


Biohacking is based on ideas and experiences!
Since our aquatic primate ancestors first crawled out of the ocean, we have sought to change our bodies. It’s a fundamental aspect of humanity. Otzi, a 5,000 year old frozen mummy, was discovered possessing a kit full of herbs and even a copper axe. That's some amazing biohacking!
Was Otzi a cyborg? Some people think so. Other people just see the use of tools and medicine as a natural extension of modern technology. Regardless, humans have been improving their bodies since the beginning of time. Thanks to recent advances in technology, it’s now easier to do that than ever before.

Mummified human Otzi, shown here staring intently into a camera

Quick and Effortless Biohacking Basics for Daily Living Success!

1. Standing up straight

Research in actual scientific laboratories has shown that for every inch off of perfect posture your brain and spinal cord experience an additional kilogram of deceleration force. Most people are caught in a vicious cycle of slow-onset decapitation. Every time they look down at a phone or up at a stupid cloud they are one step closer. You don't want your head to just fall off one day when you least expect it? 

2. Improve your nutrition

97% of people don't eat enough hexylmethylbananamino acids in the form of fermulated puddings and animal leavings. And yet they wonder why so many people are diagnosed with cancer now compared to 250 years ago.  

3. Be one with nature

Sitting on a bench at the park has been proven to result in living longer. Just go to the park and look at the people sitting on benches. See! They are really old.

4. Eat wild foods 

Hunting and gathering your foods is an amazing biohacking experience. If you see a carrot just sitting there, take it. Is that a pineapple tree? Conquer it. If it isn't nailed down, it's yours for the grabbing. And that includes Martha Lemmon's pie on the windowsill of 7A. If she doesn't want me taking it, she should put it in a pie cupboard like a decent Christian woman!

5. Drink unprocessed water from random bodies of water

The benefits of scavenging for liquid water should be obvious to anyone with even a non-European training in health and wellness. Processing of water leeches out numerous moleculoids that are better served in our bodies. And if anyone tells you to boil it first, tell them to go to Hell. That means you Scout Master Chuck. I won't let you win! I won't let you ruin the years I have left! I just won't! I....I can't.

6. Breathe fresh natural air 

I've said it before, but there is nothing more powerful for biohacking the human body than breathing. With every breath your body rejuvenates its core and expels toxic essences. So go deep into the uncharted wild lands of the world and breathe. Just breathe. Don't tell anyone where you'll be. They won't understand. 
7. Natural light

There is nothing worse you can do for your body than to expose yourself to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum sealed canisters  is a carcinogen and a poor replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other because the whales suffer before they die.

8. Get a new attitude

Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench, soak up the natural sunlight, and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouch air. You can order pouch air from a variety of amazing sources on my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one. 
9. Biohack with music

That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour.

10. Miscellaneous biohacking tips

-Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen.
-Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and coworkers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside their home or their child's school.
-Drink coffee mixed with chicken fat in a 1:1 mixture. If you can't eat it with a spoon, you stopped adding chicken fat too soon. 
Everyone can benefit from biohacking!
Who can benefit from biohacking? Every single man, woman, and child on the planet, that's who. And don't forget pets. Did you know you can biohack a dog to retrieve useful objects like a newspaper or your favorite pair of slippers. You can biohack a cat to shit in a box. Amazing!

Does your cat shit in a box? Mine does!
But who can benefit the most from biohacking?

-People who feel like they can do better
-Anyone who sometimes has trouble paying attention during complex and uninteresting meetings or lectures

-People who think that they could be healthier
-Anyone interested in improving themselves in some way

-Cats that are still shitting in piles of clothes in your bedroom
Good luck!

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion Researchers Still Looking for Answers.....

Baton Rouge, LA- When Jessica and Tina Parish left their quaint suburban bungalow, looking forward to their first night out without adopted infant son Calcasieu, the last thing they expected was a frantic call from the babysitter.

Squirrels, like Bob McWhiskers from Canton, OH, may to blame for cases of sudden unexplained infant combustion

"He's on fire! The baby is on fire," babysitter and LSU junior Myrtle Plantation recalls screaming into her Apple 6 smartphone. "It's the last thing I expected to happen."

Expected or not, sweet little Calcasieu had erupted into a nine pound ball of flames and liquefied fat without warning. The Parish family was left with a tiny pile of ashes and one very large question. Why? 

Calcasieu had never burst into flames before. He didn't have an untreated fever leading up to the event. The adoption agency had provided documentation stating that there was no family history of smoke coming out of people's ears when they get angry, let alone suddenly catching fire for no apparent reason.

Unfortunately, pediatric experts like Mort Fishman, MD don't have many answers when it comes to the spontaneous combustion of human infants. "Most of our data comes from mouse and primate studies. It's difficult to know how much we can apply to a human child like precious little Calcasieu."

Historically, Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion (SUIC) has been lumped together with cases of Spontaneous Human Combusion (SHC). SHC is considerably more popular and better studied, with recent advances in screening and prevention having changed the prognosis from certain horrible death to a chronic disease with expectations of a normal life expectancy, much like AIBS, Advanced Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But Fishman believes that SUIC and SHC may be distinctly different conditions.

The origin of SHC as a human disease is now widely accepted to have occurred when Spontaneous Simian Combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans that time when Pete and Wendy Jenkins took that trip to Africa. Experts aren't so certain when it comes to SUIC. Quantum linkage analysis of mitochondrions recovered from the remains of patients reveal squirrel DNA. Complicating things is the fact that, like SHC, there has never been a witnessed case. This has allowed a number of competing etiological hypotheses to emerge, like formula fracking and squirrel suicide bombers. 

The Parish family has had to deal with a lot of uncertainty since that tragic day. But they haven't given up hope that science will shine a light on the mysterious condition that took their son. For now, researchers like Mort Fishman MD remain baffled.