Thursday, November 5, 2015

Experts Predict Global Shortage, the Last Days of Mankind.....

New York- Scientific experts from across the globe met today at the United Nations to reveal the concerning findings of a decade long study looking into the availability in the years to come, and the results are worse than feared.

The weakest among us, shown here enjoying a yearly birth ritual before the days of the global shortage, will be the first to face the acid mines. Many will beg for the sweet release of death and end up condensed into protein gruel for the masters.
"This isn't an outcome likely to happen just in some areas of the world," lead researcher Pat Wattam explained. "We've run every possible scenario, crunched the numbers in every way possible. Pretty soon there just isn't going to be any left, anywhere."

In reaction to the report, many people are beginning to stockpile in preparation for shortages and rationing. Some, like survivalist Jeremy "Mountain Goat" Watkins, predict that this will be the first step on the path to the eventual extinction of our species. "I've seen it before. First it's annoying to not have any. Then the frustration sets in. Then anger. Finally, the realization that there's never going to be any more. That's when the first bombs start to fall. That's where we make our final stand."

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Hospital Pacifiers Confiscated in Largest Boston Binkie Bust to Date.....

Boston, MA- Massachusetts General Hospital has announced the discovery of a hidden cache of more than one hundred individually wrapped pacifiers, the largest binkie bust since earning a Baby-Friendly designation in 2011.

A pacifier addicted older infant, like the one shown here sucking on a binkie he found on the ground at the park, has a 60% chance of being a complete asshole, like a total asshole that nobody can stand to be around, not even his mom.
"This haul was part of a six-month sting by hospital lactation authorities," Chief of Lactation Security Wilma Eversnatch explained. "These pacifiers would have resulted in thousands of non-nutritive "sucks" and more nipple confusion than a heteronormative male cis-tween at a Ru Paul concert."

Despite the discovery of the illicit pacifiers, which were recently declared as a Level 11(C) carcinogen in the International Agency for Research on Cancer's Breast is Best Committee's biweekly Liquid Gold newsletter, there is still work to be done. According to Chief Eversnatch, MGH is working on hospital-wide policy changes to advance their Baby-Friendly designation all the way to Formula-Frenemy level. "We must focus our efforts and take advantage of the current momentum to limit the rising tide of formula acceptance in our hospital."

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Ask Dr. Ben! Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Education.....

Ask Dr. Ben!

Are you curious about the world around you? 

Do you marvel at the mysteries of nature? 

Where does the sun go at night? How do magnets work?

Have you been frustrated by liberal academic elites that don't acknowledge your personal beliefs?

Not any more! Not ever again! 

You aren't alone!

Dear Dr. Ben,

I am a Christian Health and the Human Body teacher and my 8th grade students are constantly asking me about their private areas. You know the ones I'm talking about. The P and the V. Now one of the girls is pregnant! How do I answer their questions in a straightforward, honest, and accurate way that's in keeping with the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Help!

Baffled in Baton Rouge

Dear Baffled,

That is a great question and one that is increasingly important as the moral fabric of our once great nation is eroded by false beliefs in evolution, harvesting unborn babies for profit, and gun control. First and foremost, discussions of this nature require compassion and a solid grounding in the teachings of the first biology textbook: the Bible. Well-designed Christian research can supplement what we know from the Bible.

According to researchers from the Illinois branch of the Institute for Abstinence Research (IAR), a nonpartisan organization dedicated to applying sound science to the study of abstinence as a means of preventing unsafe sexual practices, a growing number of sexual education teachers are failing to cover even the basics of appropriate instruction in American schools.

A recent study performed by IAR, which involved a scientifically designed telephone survey of former students of sexual education/health teachers at over 200 Illinois schools, revealed that more than a quartile of instructors did not meet sound scientific standards of sexual education as defined the IAR. And many teachers may have no special training in Biblical sexual education of students.

The researchers warn that teenagers may need help filling in the large gaps in their sexual education, and in "unlearning" any misinformation already picked up in inferior classes. According to the IAR, many of today's students are learning a number of medical myths as proven facts. I recommend the IAR pamphlet as a guide in discussing these myths and providing the information to dispel them.

Here is just a sample of the high quality information included in the pamphlet:

"Myth #1
Condoms prevent STD's.

Condoms actually increase the risk of acquiring an STD. Studies done at the Institute for Abstinence Research have conclusively proven that condom use leads to a 1 in 5 chance of being infected with HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV, often all at the same time, regardless of whether your partner is infected with any of these diseases. That is a 20% chance each and every time you "strap it on, player!" Next time, instead of using a condom, try reading a book or volunteering at a retirement home!

Myth #2
Condoms prevent pregnancy.

Despite what your doctor or teacher may have told you, condoms do not prevent pregnancy. In fact, experiments performed at the IAR have revealed that condom use actually makes a woman more likely to become pregnant with the resulting child likely to be retarded. They are also prone to liberalism and homosexuality. Instead of homosexuality, try "no mo sexuality" until you're good and married.

Myth #3
God says it's okay to use condoms, IUD's, OCP's or other birth control methods.

This is quite false. Scientific studies of the bible have shown beyond doubt that non-abstinence birth control methods anger God and are a one way ticket to eternal torment in a lake of fire. This is not a religious statement but is a scientifically verified fact.

Myth #4
It's okay to have sex once you are married.

While pre-marital and extra-marital sex are clearly sins worthy of a endless cycle of pain and regret, many people are unsure when it comes to intercourse with their spouse. The answer, revealed in our labs at the IAR, is that sex is never okay if physical or psychological enjoyment results. Only when sex has been reduced to a disgusting physical act necessary only for the furthering of our species, but otherwise despised, is it okay in the eyes of the Lord."

I hope that this helps. Good luck out there!

Your friend,
Dr. Ben

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Proctor & Gamble Announces Swiffer Home Detox Kit.....

Cincinnati, OH- Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the addition of an easy to use home body cleansing kit to the line of cleaning products.
Customer Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment.
"We've spent the past one hundred and seventy seven years focused on producing the best cleaning and personal care products on the market," Proctor & Gamble Chairman, President, and CEO Alan George Lafley explained. "And with our new Bissel Steamboost enema attachment and full body detox pads, Swiffer will truly give cleaning a whole new meaning!"

Just like your kitchen floor can become caked with grime and mud, your colon can hold up to fifteen pounds of undigested waste according to the expert that returned my calls, like Doctor of Household Naturopathy Mort Fishman. "We live in a toxic world full of scary chemicals and even scarier foods, like genetically modified electromagnetic gluten. Now my patients don't need to live in fear of leaving their house without wearing one of my specially designed hats."

Saturday, September 26, 2015

More Parents Turning to Alternative Potty Training Methods.....

Jacksonville, FL-Despite decades of scientific advancements in our understanding of human waste elimination across the lifespan, and in the most efficient and developmentally appropriate means of teaching young children to use the toilet, a growing number of parents are turning to more natural alternative methods of potty training.
A human child, forced to suffer through the indignity of a conventional symptom-based potty training method, shown here developing learned helplessness and probably PTSD
"It's easy to assume that a child requires a restrictive and regimented training method because they are small and uncoordinated, or that they have a limited capability to communicate," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at Jacksonville's Freecheeks Potty Training Center, explained. "And that's exactly what those ivory tower eggheads from Big Potty want you to believe. But today's savvy parent is wisely considering his or her options before simply going along with a conventional method that may not approach the process holistically."

Pennock admits that the Freecheeks method, with its focus on the root cause of persistent infantile incontinence rather than simply the end result, isn't for every family. But she believes that it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their young children have to say about their own personal elimination functions. And according to her, the process couldn't be simpler as long as you do it exactly as recommended without exception. "You'll need a garden hose and enough newspaper to cover the floors of your house. But what you won't need is any more diapers!"

Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterology expert and parent of five human children, isn't sold on what he considers unproven toilet training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not."

Friday, September 11, 2015

Leading Naturopathic University First to Offer Degree in Integrative Anatomy.....

Kenmore, WA- Adding to their already considerable educational offerings, such as acupuncture and psychic optometry, this Fall Bastyr University will be the first to offer a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy.

Bastyr Integrative Anatomy students won't be limited by Western scientific dogma
"We saw a long overdue opportunity to advance our understanding of human anatomy," recently appointed president Dr. Charles "Mac" Powell explained. "It just makes sense to update this stagnant area of study with the principles and practices of naturopathy. Who's to say that there are just two kidneys, or only one spleen? Has anyone looked for other organs?"

Obtaining a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy will require successful payment for a comprehensive, four-year program that combines the most rigorous aspects of intuitive awareness with a pile of old x-rays somebody found in the basement over the Summer. The first two years will cover basic anatomy from the perspective of various homunculi used by 16th century alchemists. At the end of the first two years, each student will perform an interpretive dance that takes faculty members on a journey of discovery to find their spirit organ.

With an intimate awareness of the human body gained, the remaining two years will be spent in Bastyr's cutting edge research facility. Their anatomical investigation will incorporate the senses of vision, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. A possible sixth sense, to be determined by course elder Mort Fishman based upon the results of a quantum vibrational analysis and saliva hormone levels, may be added in the future. Fishman will serve as a guide for the duration of each student's educational narrative. "There is nothing more rewarding than seeing that look of recognition and understanding on a student's face when they locate their first meridian."

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Florida Legislature Passes Updated Guidelines on Community Acquired Pneumonia.....

Tallahassee, FL- After several weeks of intense debate among the 160 Florida state legislators during an emergency late Summer session at the capital, both the Senate and House of Representatives have agreed on recommendations for the diagnosis and management of community-acquired pneumonia in children. The "Lower Respiratory Infection/MANPADS Act" is expected to be signed by Governor Rick Scott later this week.

Governor Scott, shown here trying to break his favorite Husky bill signing pencil during a tantrum. Experts believe that the pencil is made from Kenyan red cedar with a manticore tail core.
"This is something that Florida pediatricians have been waiting for," Tallahassee physician Mort Fishman explained. "Sure, the Infectious Disease Society of America and American Academy of Pediatrics have given us some guidance in the past, but since our state government officially took over direct patient care directives earlier this year we've been stumbling around in the dark. It isn't perfect, but this is Florida."

The law, which specifies when radiographic imaging is appropriate and lists first and second line antibiotics for use when a bacterial cause is suspected, also requires that pediatricians refrain from asking parents about the presence of man-portable air defense systems (MANPADS) in the home. Representative Larry Ahern, co-sponsor of the bill, had expressed concern regarding potential invasion of parental privacy that plays no role in the health of the child in the past. "Shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles are frankly of no concern to a healthcare provider and any physician accused of violating this law will be brought before the Florida Board of Medicine for disciplinary action."

Friday, August 21, 2015

Leaked Dolly Madison Data Shocks Health and Fitness Community.....

Columbus, OH- Having infiltrated the computer files of Dolly Madison, a U.S. bakery famous for its Zingers brand snack cakes that closed in 2012, hackers have released identifying personal information belonging to millions of former customers. A group or individual known as Gluten Anonymous has claimed responsibility for the leak.

Former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown, shown here suffering the first of several diabetes related heart attacks
While a leak of information revealing the buying habits of bakery customers seems fairly benign at first glance, there is a dark side to this story. Numerous health and fitness gurus, like the Food Baby Frank Hunt and fully apprenticed Nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, have been implicated. Even Hollywood celebrities known for speaking out against processed sugars and gluten, like former actress turned health activist Gwyneth Paltrow and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, have placed large orders for snack cakes and fruit pies.

"Cheating is like the secret glue that keeps millions of consumers attached to their diets," culinary psychologist Dr. Mort Fishman CPsyD explained. "I would cheat before I would quit my diet altogether. But these are high profile customers with a public image based on a certain lifestyle not in keeping with having a crate of Donut Gems delivered to their mansion."

Probably the most shocking finding has been former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown's continued purchasing of the bakery's products as late as 2011. Brown, an outspoken critic of processed foods and added sugar since developing adult-onset juvenile diabetes at the age of 33, parted ways with the company in the early 1980's. The broken contract led to a lengthy court battle, which served as the inspiration for the 1992 movie classic A Few Good Men. Despite this, he went on to purchase thousand of boxes of Cherry Pies and Danish Rollers after the split.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Chiropractic Particle Physicists Uncover Subatomic Building Block of the Subluxation.....

Geneva, Switzerland- One of the great mysteries of chiropractic science, the true underlying nature of the spinal subluxation, may have finally been solved by a team of top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva. Details of the discovery of the subatomic building block of the subluxation, which is being referred to as a subluxon, were published this week in Online Publishing Module #17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes.

Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here in a teal colored hard hat with arms folded and a serious look on his face.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't feel it with my own two hands during the applied kinesiology experiments at CERN," Chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "When we were finally able to book time with the Large Hadron Collider, I knew something big was about to happen."

According to Grimes, chiropractors have known for more than a century that the subluxation existed but have been forced to use cumbersome placeholders when reporting the findings of their examinations to patients. Lacking an understanding of it's true nature, they did the best they could. "We knew that spinal nerves weren't actually being pinched and that the subluxation wasn't really a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes, but we still needed patients to understand how serious the situation was."

Chiropractors can now add an accurate understanding of what a subluxation is to the profession's established mastery of the numerous potential negative health effects caused by them. And, as Grimes explains in an ad for his Belvidere, Nebraska clinic, a focus on prevention by detecting subluxons before they cause a symptomatic subluxation is the next step. "Come on down for our back to school event! I'll check the whole family's subluxon levels for just $59 and knock 10% off our Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!" 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Area Couple Frustrated by Infant's Lack of Internet Connectivity.....

Belvidere, NE- When Myrtle and Angus Rose welcomed their first child into the world, they scanned every inch of their nearly twelve pound baby for any imperfections using an app on their smartphone. And like most parents they were pleased to find a vigorous and plump baby with ten fingers, ten toes, and a normal sized penis perfect for incorporating into a birth announcement for their friends on Instagram. But joy quickly turned to confusion and frustration when they were unable to locate their newborn son's USB port.

Increasing numbers of perfectly acceptable but non-internet compatible newborns are being put up for adoption by late generation millennials 
"I don't mean to sound disappointed or ungrateful," Mr. Rose explained while filming a video selfie and then posting it to Vine. "I just don't know how I'm even going to interact with him. There's no Bluetooth, no FaceTime, no Twitter handle. There's no access at all, just regular holes and some kind of intermittent high pitched emission from what I think is its heat sink."

The Roses aren't the only late generation millennials struggling to communicate as they begin to have children. Having grown up with total immersion in post-internet life, many are having difficulty grasping that their newborn is another human being rather than a new peripheral for their smart phone. Many physicians, like pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, are being forced to adapt to parenting concerns that would have been unheard of just a few years ago. "They keep asking me what the WiFi password is and how to set up a WPAN."