Friday, September 19, 2014

Gluten Attack Victim Speaks Out for First Time.....

Brookline, MA- The victim of a horrific gluten-based attack last weekend, a Brookline woman is now speaking out in the hope that lawmakers will enact measures to protect gluten sensitive citizens.

Mary Bort Perkland, shown here mere minutes after ingesting bread containing gluten
"What happened to me could have happened to anyone intolerant to gluten," Mary Bort Perkland explained. "I didn't ask to bear the weight of this affliction, but I do have to live with it every day of my life. Strict anti-gluten laws would have prevented this from happening."

Perkland, a citizen of Brookline since 1984 who was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity last year by a waitress at Otto Pizza on Harvard Avenue, was accosted by an unidentified assailant while at the 2014 Brookline Day festivities at Larz Anderson Park. The man, described by witnesses as tall for his weight and probably from New York, was last seen handing Perkland a sandwich made with wheat laden bread. He then disappeared in the chaos that ensued after the attack.

Perkland is calling for a complete ban of gluten in the city of Brookline, but plans to push for more broad reaching changes at the state and federal level. "I felt bloated and gassy for 3 days, and I'm still a bit foggy headed, but I'll recover. Others may not be so lucky. I'm fighting for them."

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Chiropractic Organization Releases Updated Guidelines on Emergency Self-Adjustment.....

Arlington, VA- In an update to a 2004 policy statement which proscribed the practice of self-adjustment, the American Chiropractic Association (ACA) has reversed its position and is calling for increased public awareness of sudden-onset subluxation (SOS) symptoms.

Woman demonstrating proper use of ACA endorsed SA-9000X to correct a functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular change in one of her thoracic vertebrae 
Studies show that people with untreated chiropractic subluxations often suffer physical and mental health problems and an increased risk of death, usually from a seemingly unrelated condition. Chiropractors, experts in spine health who have gone to school for a really long time, have recommended regular assessment and correction of subluxations for years. But getting to the office when an SOS occurs can be challenging in the middle of the night or on weekends when the office is closed.

In a new policy statement published in their flagship journal Online Publishing Module 53 - Chiropractic, the ACA recommends that patients who develop symptoms consistent with SOS should administer self-adjustments at home. Doing so will help prevent the total collapse of the spine, known as Accordion syndrome since first being described by chiropractor Robert Accordion in 1907. Until appropriate chiropractic care can be obtained during regularly scheduled clinic hours, the patient should refrain from any activities which might exacerbate the subluxation such as birth trauma, wearing a backpack over one shoulder, or standing underneath a piano being hoisted through an upper-story window.

"Accordion syndrome is one of our "never events", chiropractor Frank Grimes, DC, FACA, lead author of the policy statement, revealed. "The research is clear that once the spine fully collapses down on itself the patient's quality of life can suffer in a variety of ways such as being unable to reach items on high shelves, poor self-esteem and the need for permanent assisted ventilation. A self-adjustment at home, done properly, might hold the spine together until your chiropractic home opens in the morning."

The policy statement is accompanied by a technical report, "The Role of the Sudden-Onset Subluxation in Accordion Syndrome: An Update on Preventive Strategies."

The ACA asks that local, state and federal governments help distributed information on SOS to the public (see Table 1), and that chiropractors in the community begin to incorporate education on proper self-adjustment techniques at every visit. The ACA is also offering the SA-9000X, an ergonomically designed self-adjustment device based on NASA technology, at a significant discount when ordered in bulk.

"The ACA is making a definitive and powerful statement about the importance of spinal integrity to the health, safety and well-being of our populace," Dr. Grimes explained. "By advocating for self-adjustment, the ACA is promoting compelling scientific evidence that taking an active role in one's own spine health is an important public health measure."

Table 1. Sudden-Onset Subluxation (diagnosis requires 2 major criteria or 1 major PLUS 2 minor criteria)

Major Criteria
  • Acute onset of any new symptom
  • Acute worsening of any chronic symptom
  • Exhibits all or most of the following traits: homeostasis, cellular organization, metabolism, growth, adaptation, response to stimuli, and reproduction
Minor Criteria
  • Back pain
  • Recent exposure to gluten or high-fructose corn syrup
  • A distrust of conventional medicine
  • The belief that healing energy flows from the cosmos or God down through the top of your head, through the spinal cord and into every cell of your body
  • Lack of critical thinking skills 
  • Extreme gullibility

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Survey Reveals Gluten Intolerance a Common Adversity Cited in College Applicant Personal Statements.....

Berkeley, CA- The results of a survey performed by the University of California at Berkeley Department of Sociology, and published in the September Online Publishing Module 24 - Education and Education Related Fields (Miscellaneous) are sending shockwaves through the college admissions community. According to the press release, gluten intolerance is now the 3rd most common life adversity discussed by prospective students in college application personal statements.

College applicant, shown here agonizing over decision to include Twitter handle and most retweeted tweets on resume
"The finding of gluten intolerance or sensitivity as a condition frequently used to anchor a personal statement wasn't that surprising," lead researcher Hammersmith Wiggins explained. "What we didn't expect was that it had risen so far in the rankings since the last survey went out ten years ago."

Not even cracking the top ten conditions applicants credited for defining their world in 2004, gluten intolerance is inspiring in millions of future college students a deep desire to help change the world in addition to the need to avoid wheat, barley and rye or suffer one or more of over 250 vague symptoms. These can include anything from bloating and abdominal discomfort to fatigue and the ability to communicate with animals.

Admissions experts, like UC Berkeley Provost Alvin Copping, are divided over the use of non-celiac gluten sensitivity as a life adversity. "On one hand, it isn't recognized by the medical community as a legitimate condition. On the other, it can be a real stumbling block for students that just might serve as an impetus for creative solutions or the development of a higher level of emotional intelligence."

Wiggins and his team of researchers are calling for increased awareness of gluten intolerance as a possible focus for applicant personal statements, and warning high school guidance counselors especially to be on the lookout. "We don't think that this is a fad. This finding almost certainly represents a very real shift in our society's approach to the process of introspection and self-evaluation, and it is likely too late to do anything about it. May God have mercy on us all."

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Iridology Organization Warns Public Against Cosmetic Lens Use

Williamston, SC- The classic maternal plea for children to put on clean underwear before leaving the house may be in need of an update. And you may want to think twice about those cool cosmetic contact lenses. Members of the International Association of Iridology released a policy statement on the use of cosmetic contact lenses by the general public today in an effort to reduce the risk of misdiagnosis during emergencies.

Thanks to cosmetic contact lenses, reptilian humanoids can easily walk among us undetected for decades.
"We've seen a significant increase in the use of a variety of cosmetic contact lenses," IAI president and internationally acknowledged authority on emergency iridology Durpin Primrose explained. "The largest increase in use has occurred in the teens and young adults. And with Halloween right around the corner, we just wanted to get the word out and maybe save a few lives."

Cosmetic contact lenses are traditionally worn to alter the appearance of the eye rather than to correct any vision problems. They come in a variety of patterns and are often worn to accent costumes or to simply serve as a means of expressing individual style preferences. They are typically ordered online, with the most active time being the weeks leading up to Halloween.

Though recognized as a thing that people do since the 17th century, iridology truly became a science when Dr. Ignatz von Peczely published "Discoveries in the Realms of Nature and the Art of Healing" in the late 19th century. His 1880 iris chart firmly established iridology as a means of diagnosing human ailments at least as effective as other modalities at the time. Modern iridologists have advanced the field considerably since von Peczely first noticed a change in the iris of an owl whose leg he had accidentally broken, primarily by the use of cameras and PowerPoint.

The IAI policy statement includes discussion of the risks inherent in the use of cosmetic lenses, which are frequently found to be of poor quality. These include irritation and infection of the eye, which can ultimately result in loss of vision in some cases. But the main focus of the report was the potential for misdiagnosis by emergency iridology professionals if unaware of the presence of cosmetic lenses that alter the color patterns or shape of the iris.

A patient doesn't need to be able to speak, or to even be conscious, for a diagnosis to be made in most circumstances. Practitioners of iridology can exam the iris and match any observations to an iris chart that divides the eye into zones corresponding to abnormalities in other areas of the body. But according to Primrose, who has practiced emergency iridology for nearly three decades, minutes of delay can mean the difference between life and death. "The eyes may be a window to the soul and our health, but despite that old saying they can lie."

Monday, August 25, 2014

Mr. Snuffles, Last Living World War 2 Military Gerbil, has Died.....

Arlington, VA- Mr. Snuffles, the last remaining gerbil employed by United States military during World War 2, has died today at the age of 70.

Mr. Snuffles, shown here behind a bear in 1944, had over one hundred confirmed battlefield kills
"I'll never forget that furry bastard," Stam Costello, an infantryman who stormed the beaches at Normandy alongside Mr. Snuffles as part of the United States Small Mammal division, revealed. "A German soldier had me in his sights and I thought I was a goner. But that desert rat tore clean through the kraut before he knew what hit him."

Mr. Snuffles, who achieved the rank of master sergeant prior to his retirement in 1972, was laid to rest at Arlington Pet Cemetery today with several hundred people and military animals in attendance. This included Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, Army chief of staff, General Ray Odierno, and Cetacean Corps lieutenant colonel Giggles the dolphin. It featured full military honors, including a colors team, riderless horse and 13-gun salute by cannon. A solid gold exercise wheel was presented by General Odierno to Mr. Snuffles' widow and roughly 5,000 sons and daughters.

"In life, he honored this country," Lt. Col. gorilla Georgie Bananas signed to the family. "In death, the country honors him."

Friday, August 22, 2014

Kidz Krates!: More Parents Turning to Revolutionary Training Method.....

Seaford, New York- A revolutionary parenting system, developed by two New York pediatricians to help new parents deal with the inconvenience of raising a child, is increasing in popularity but drawing criticism from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

A Kidz Krates! feeder bottle (shown here) can be replaced with a meal pellet dispenser as inconvenient children age
For many new parents, the birth of a child is an unforgettable moment as anxiety-provoking as it is awe-inspiring. But many of today's parents are finding that once the excitement fades, and the nurses leave them to begin caring for their baby, the inconvenience of it all becomes painfully clear. And children who require constant care are especially annoying.

"Our pregnancy with Cooper Evangeline was amazing," new mom Special Dorsi explained. "But once she was born, with all the feeding, incontinence and crying my DVR queue began to fill and I even lost some shows."
Special and Brad Dorsi, who decided to have a child so that the world might benefit from the unique combination of their genetic blessings, had a difficult time getting their daughter to sleep, void and evacuate her bowels on command, especially at night when civilized people should be asleep or reading The Fault In Our Stars on their Kindle Fire. After several days of inconvenience, the desperate couple turned to their pediatricians, Drs. Mort and Treacle Fishman.
The formerly conjoined twins of Fishman Pediatrics, in Seaford, N.Y., recently wrote "The Inconvenient Child: A Foolproof Method to Achieve a Life Unaffected by Children", a book on the subject of pediatric inconvenience based on their 3 decades of caring for the children of assholes.
"When the Dorsi family arrived, the inconvenience in their lives was obvious," Mort revealed. "I told them, 'I'm going to help you realize an existence that maximizes your personal fulfillment!' Special burst into tears of joy at the mere thought of her child serving as a status symbol to be paraded in front of friends and family, but otherwise put away like so much wedding china."
To decrease inconvenience levels in households, the Fishman brothers developed a revolutionary technique which borrows from proven veterinary practices.
The concept of crate training, which they adapted into the Kidz Krates! training method, allows a child of any age to be safely stored between uses. Infants will still need to be periodically fed, however this method allows for easier scheduling of feeds to fit into the lifestyle of the parents. For older children, a nutrient rich liquid meal substitute can be provided via a cage mounted feeder bottle.
"The hardest part of Kidz Krates! is burying that last vestige of human decency," Special said while refilling Cooper Evangeline's feeder with Organic Non-GMO Nature's Twat brand formula, which contains 3% human tears harvested from Romanian orphans. "Sometimes I would find Brad trying to pry open the Kidz Krate! door, but the lock is very strong and only opens at predetermined times. There really is no going back."
The Kidz Krates! method, although amazingly effective, is being attacked by members of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Treacle Fishman isn't surprised. "Truth goes through stages. Ridicule, opposition and then acceptance. And sometimes truth gets arrested for unfounded child abuse charges."
The Fishmans believe that their method represents a sea change in how we interpret infant communication, like crying. Mort told us that "Crying is a baby's way of demanding attention that it hasn't earned. The worst thing you can do is to negotiate with a terrorist! You might as well cancel your next dinner party or plan on skipping the silent auction to benefit that Cavalier King Charles Rescue."
Thanks to the Fishman brothers, the Dorsi family exists in a state of perpetual childlessness, despite the birth of their daughter. Special and Brad sleep peacefully without interruption each night thanks to the Kidz Krates! soundproof high grade acoustic foam panel removable shell.
"It's allowed us to maintain a quality of life where we can really enjoy doing the things we want to do, but also sometimes spend time with Cooper Evangeline. It's what we deserve."

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Courageous Little Leaguer Defies the Odds and Inspires Other Gluten Intolerant Kids.....

Williamsport, PA- The eyes of the nation, and certainly the media, may be focused on female pitching phenom Mo'Ne Davis during this year's Little League World Series, but millions of gluten intolerant children around the world are drawing inspiration from an unlikely source. Grill Abernathy, right fielder for the Cumberland American team from Rhode Island, has suffered from an intolerance to wheat, barley and rye since the age of 9. But this .280 slugger from Cranston has ignored the advice of his doctors and the concerns of his friends and family, choosing to risk his health and serve as a beacon of hope for the afflicted.

Gluten sensitive right fielder Grill Abernathy, mere moments before mixing up his homemade gluten free hot dog bun with one from the concession stand and then totally losing his shit
"We first noticed that something was wrong with Grill when he started complaining of abdominal pain every morning while getting ready for school," Grill's step-mother Wanda Abernathy explained. "It was right after I married Grill's daddy and it went on for months. I thought the new baby would distract him but his symptoms kept getting worse."

Because of the daily bouts of unexplained abdominal pain, Grill missed so much school that his family began to worry that he might fall behind. Finally, after being diagnosed with gluten sensitivity by a carnival psychic, the Abernathys restricted his diet and started home schooling him. The improvement was almost immediate, and nothing short of miraculous.

Grill, who must bring specially prepared gluten free pizza to post-game celebrations, has faced more than his fair share of adversity since coming out as gluten intolerant. Though used to being bullied at school because of his severe stuttering, he wasn't prepared for the reaction from fans of the opposing teams. "I've heard it all. Gluten baby. Wheat wimp. Functional abdominal pain secondary to significant psychosocial stressors. That last one was from my gastroenterologist but we stopped going there."

But the support from the gluten intolerance community has been overwhelming. He has received thousands of letters of encouragement and thanks, mostly from kids like him. "I never realized how many poor kids out there aren't allowed to eat stuff with gluten in it. Now they have someone to look at who is just like them, a victim of something they have no control over."

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Vatican Academy of Pediatrics Updates Recommendations on Child Molestation.....

Vatican City- Officials from the Vatican Academy of Pediatrics (VAP) have released updated guidelines regarding molestation of children, and are recommending that priests minimize or eliminate the activity for children under the age of two years and have a strategy in place for maximizing the benefits for older kids.

A young boy enjoying the cardiovascular benefits of enhanced molestation
"The world has changed a great deal since the last time we addressed this subject," Cardinal Maurice Nicopapadopoulos, chairman of the VAP Committee on Molestation and Public Relations explained. "A hard 2 hour daily molestation limit just isn't reasonable anymore so we needed more nuanced recommendations."

Although the new guidelines do allow for more molesting, the VAP paper is clear about the need for awareness that excessive fondling can have negative health effects. One of the primary concerns of the VAP committee members is the continuing rise of childhood obesity, stating that historically this is an activity with few cardiovascular benefits. They recommend that priests enhance their molestations whenever possible by incorporating more aerobic exercise, perhaps by allowing a child to have a lengthy head start before chasing him down.

Supervised independent activity for infants and young children, such as stacking cups or counting prayers on a Rosary, has clearly been demonstrated in controlled trials to provide more cognitive stimulation than simply being molested if a priest isn't taking an active role in playing with the child. Nicopapadopoulos also mentioned the possible negative affects on sleep hygiene, something that is increasingly being recognized as a major health concern in the pediatric population. "We recommend that priests not molest in the child's room or right before bedtime."

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Man on Winery Tour Tastes the Gooseberry.....

Napa Valley-Dale Southerland, an accountant visiting the Flora Springs Winery today, shocked a large crowd of cellar rats, winemakers and fellow winery patrons when he was able to note 27 distinct flavors in their 2013 Barrel Fermented Chardonnay.

Dale Southerland, shown here tasting the gooseberry, mere moments before being torn to pieces by fellow wine tasters so that they might feed upon his brainstem and olfactory cortex thus acquiring his unique wine tasting ability
"We've had people note ten, maybe 15 flavors before," Winemaker Ken Deis revealed. "They'll usually describe the aroma a bit and comment on the finish, but this is just incredible. Nobody has taken it to this level before and it's just a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are much better at this than others. And Dale is just a very impressive guy. We are all just very impressed."

Mr. Southerland, who noted a hint of autumn leaves and gooseberry as the 26th and 27th flavors, thinks that there may be even more subtle flavors in the wine but he would need more time to sort them out. "I'm not entirely sure, but right at the end I almost think I noted just a splash of black currant with bing cherry undertones. And, could it be? Yes, it is! Just a trace of squirrel's feet and chalkboard erasers. Sublime."

Current Generation of Children First to Have More Stagnant Chi than Parents.....

Bethesda, MD- Experts in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine in Bethesda are warning the public, as well the nation's primary care practitioners, that the current generation of children are on pace to become the first to have higher levels of stagnant chi than their parents.

A child suffering from stagnant Qi playing with healthy friends
"We've been predicting this for years," Kuang Zhu LAC, Head of Pragmatic Acupuncture Research at NCCAM revealed. "We are going public with our concerns in the hopes that a popular outcry will force governmental action to prevent this potential public health tsunami." 

The principles of TCM state that the human body is a condensed representation of the Universe, and that the interactions between internal forces, known as yin and yang, play a leading role in our overall health and in the development of disease. Every aspect of our physiology, and the many ways in which it can malfunction, can be easily explained using the TCM concepts of fire, earth, wood, metal and water. For example, unbalanced liver fire in the context of excess bile (water) can, in the setting of hypoplastic yin with yang engorgement, lead to autoimmune hepatitis in a 17-year-old female patient. 

Zhu explains that taking advantage of the diagnostic precision of this system, and the manipulation of chi, the vital energy force that flows through our bodies performing myriad functions such as regulating the renin-angiotensin-aldosterone hormone system, is what has led to the widespread success of TCM in China, where the average life expectancy is 127 years. "Stagnation of chi has been associated with a variety of health problems both acutely and years down the road. Diagnosing and treating blockages saves lives. It's that simple."