Saturday, February 6, 2016

Adrian Brody Announces Endorsement of Syntech Chemical.....

Houston, TX-In a press conference held today at Syntech Chemical's Global Headquarters, Oscar winner Adrien Brody announced his full endorsement of the companies vision for the future.

Oscar winner Adrien Brody, shown above with arms folded and lightly mussed hair, rarely endorses products.

"From simple reactions to multi-step batch reactions, Syntech Chemical is committed to delivering a quality product, on time, and to precise performance specifications," Brody, the star of such films as Jailbreakers and King Kong stated. "I don't trust anyone but Syntech for my centrifugations, distillations, tolling, vacuum and other chemical processes!"

Syntech Vice-President James Gordon remarked "This really is a shock. We didn't go to Mr. Brody, he came to us. We had no idea he was such a fan of our work. Robert Downey Jr. sure, but this was honestly a big surprise for all of us. I haven't seen that piano movieWas it any good?"

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

5 Mind Blowing Behind-the-Scenes Facts about Scrubs!.....

Think You'll Never Watch Scrubs! the Same Way Again? Probably After Reading This!

Scrubs!, an immensely popular Peabody Award winning television series that ran for 9 critically noticed seasons, still has legions of devoted fans. And thanks to streaming services like Netflix, Amazon Prime, CloudDump, Streamflush, Faceblast, and Eyescraper, so-called Scrubheads! can watch their favorite show for hours at a time, urinating in buckets and living off of couch crumbs and leftover packets of duck sauce. But even the most hardcore fans will be amazed by these five behind-the-scenes revelations!

The original cast of Scrubs!, shown here right before transmorphing into their Power Scrub battle suits, was replaced after the pilot was picked up by NBC.

1. Scrubs!, though based on the inner workings of a real hospital and the day-to-day lives of typical staff, is actually fictional. The doctors, nurses and other hospital staff are played by actors and actresses. But did you know that the patients were shipped over from nearby Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center in order to give a sense of urgency and realism to the production. Zach Braff has described the show as "an exploration of the true nature of human suffering and the inner turmoil of a group of people without any real attachments to each other or the world around them, essentially serving as a suicide note for mankind." Hilarious but true!

2. You've probably seen the show's famous catch phrase, "Hey, give me back my scrubs you dummy!", on tee-shirts or on signs at political protests. But did you know that it happened by accident? According to show creator Bill Lawrence, it was never even in the script! "One day John C. McGinley realized that an extra had accidentally picked up his scrubs. So he just starts wailing on the guy and screaming for him to give his scrubs back. I don't think the poor bastard ever regained consciousness but he was one of those orphans owned by the studio so we all had a good laugh." Now that's a spicy meatball!

Neil Flynn, shown here performing a scene from his off-Broadway one-man show Man in Chair
3. The fan favorite character portrayed by veteran comic actor Neil Flynn, indirectly referred to as "Diamond Jim" throughout the show's run, wasn't originally intended to be J.D.'s real father. Flynn revealed the original plan for the role in his recently published autobiography, I Am Diamond Jim. "The first day on set they have me in this Janitor outfit, and I'm like what if I'm really J.D.'s long lost father AND the janitor?" You can say that again!

4. Who can forget season 4's very special episode on teen drinking and driving? But did you know that it was special for another reason, one that was only recently revealed on Lifetown's "The Unapproved Story of Scrubs! Episode I: The Omega Protocol?" The episode, directed by none other than Scrubs! own Donald Faison ("Turf"), was written by Scrubhead! and former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney. Faison revealed, "If you look closely in the scene where robot Elliot disembowels the Megaraptor, Cheney can be seen peeking out from behind the leaves of a potted ficus tree." Only on television!

Actress Judy Reyes, shown here holding the Vessel of Azolgoth
5. Everyone knows about the backwards title sequence chest x-ray and the weekly human sacrifices to appease the Demon Lord Azolgoth, but did you know that each and every episode of Scrubs! contains secret hidden messages designed to hasten the apocalypse. Sad sack lawyer Ted Buckland, played by twins Sam and Chris Evert-Lloyd, wrote about the role of Scrubs! in the eventual demise of man in their children's novel, The Tickle Fairies' Blood Pact. "If you take every sixth letter of every sixth word of every sixth episode, it spells out the incantation to be spoken during the Azolgoth's awakening ceremony." That's the fleek!

Monday, February 1, 2016

Dangerous "Kinesio Tape Challenge" Increasing in Popularity Among Teen Boys.....

Lindon, UT- The latest viral internet stunt sweeping the nation, known as the "Kinesio Tape Challenge," has left one teenage boy severely injured and fighting for his life.

McHuggins, shown here all messed up by a catastrophic reaction to an unprofessional application of Kinesio Tape

"They think it's just harmless fun," physical therapist and Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner Dirk LaGrange CKTP explained. "But large numbers of adolescents are putting their health at risk when they apply Kinesio Tape technology to themselves or their friends without proper training or supervision."

When Gundar McHuggins Jr., a 15-year-old sophomore at Lindon High, allowed a friend to carelessly apply hundreds of strips of the powerful tape to his extremities and torso, he only expected to experience few laughs. They even filmed the stunt for uploading to the YouTube. But instead of an afternoon of fun, the camera captured a young man's fight to survive.

McHuggins, once haphazardly covered in the tape, began to show signs of problems almost immediately according to expert analysis of the video by LaGrange. He pointed out that the signs can be subtle at first, but eventually even the untrained eye can pick up on more overt evidence of a dangerous reaction. "Right at about the 30-second mark you see Gundar begin to look fatigued and his respiration is slower, deeper, and more forceful. A few minutes later he's on the ground, violently seizing, and the lower part of his body is swollen almost beyond recognition."

According to experts like LaGrange, Kinesio Tape is far more than just fancy elastic athletic tape. Properly applied strips, which come in variety of vibrant colors, can support injured musculature and reduce fatigue. It can even improve lymphatic drainage and reduce inflammation. The first thing is good and the second is really, really bad. It works using the power of proprioception, a neuromuscular feedback system in the body, and helps injured muscles relax while at the same time encouraging healthy muscles to work harder. It's amazing!

When a professional applies the tape, exact placement is key to the widespread anecdotal reports of benefit. Strips must align perfectly with the targeted muscles and the direction of lymph flow. Improper placement can restrict muscle movement and impair drainage. McHuggins was nearly suffocated when he struggled to breath against the force of the Kinesio Tape strips scattered over his chest and back, and he suffered nearly complete lymph obstruction in his lower extremities, essentially an acute form of elephantiasis. Although he is now stable on a breathing machine, doctors say that he may require several operations to fully restore lymphatic flow and prevent chronic severe swelling of his legs and feet.

Gundar's mother is warning parents about the risk of Kinesio Tape. She believes that the tape should be kept out of the reach of small children and that families who keep it in the home should have frank discussions about its risks as well as a safety plan. "This is a medical tool and it has risk. It has the ability to improve the lives of millions, perhaps even billions of people, but used incorrectly it can ruin lives too."

Friday, January 29, 2016

Increasing Number of Dental Patients are Hiring Doulas.....

Tonganoxie, KS- Ever since she was a young girl, Suzy Flanders dreamed of having a natural root canal without pain medications or anesthesia, just like in the Bible.

An inverted quantum matrix proving the myriad benefits of using of a dental doula
"When the big day finally came, and my dentist recommended the procedure, I couldn't believe it," Flanders explained. "I read everything I could find online and in the magazines in the waiting room, and the right choice quickly became clear."

What she found was a consistent recommendation to have someone present in the procedure room that been through the experience themselves. Many proponents of natural dental care endorse this practice because there is clear evidence that it might help. After discussing the idea with her husband Daniel, who she met at a local Home Depot last March, they decided to seek out the services of a dental doula.

Just like doulas that attend the birth of a child or farm animal, the specific focus of a dental doula involves being present prior to and during a procedure in order to provide reassurance, support, and information. The dental doula that Flanders found served as a calming presence and a firm yet supple voice of support and encouragement throughout the experience. "We really connected. She had been through it all herself and felt the blinding pain that I was feeling. I was able to focus on her voice and cling to it like a piece of floating driftwood during a powerful storm."

Introspective data from across the nation has shown an increasing utilization of dental doula services over the past decade. According to the American College of Dental Doulas (ACDD) there has been a steady growth in interest in Kansas as well as many other states, even Hawaii, Alaska, and Nebraska. They believe that dental doulas empower patients and ease communication with dentists, orthodontists, and their support staff without giving dental advice.

"We've moved past the point where people with gum disease and rotten teeth are learning about the benefits of natural dental procedures," ACDD president Jaime Friemdan revealed. "Now people know what they want and why they want it. They just need the support to get it."

First-time dental patients are especially vulnerable, according to Friemdan. When a dental doula enters the room, they allow for the patient to relax and focus on blocking out the agony that they are about to experience. They are ready with helpful information and encourage reasonable expectations. "We can tell the patient that they made the right choice and help them focus on the benefits of that choice between the shrieks and intermittent sobbing."

Patients interested in using the services of a dental doula need to do their homework. Unfortunately, no states require certification of competence. Some, like Tonganoxie dentist Grint Ratchey, compare the current dental doula climate to the Wild West. "You just never know what you are going to get. Some dental doulas are excellent, some don't know the oral cavity from a hole in the ground. I know when a patient has made a good choice though. They all scream, but there is an underlying peace beneath the screams that reminds me of why I got into natural dentistry in the first place."

A dental procedure can be one of the most rewarding and meaningful experiences in a person's life, but it can also be one of the most challenging. Patients who rate their root canals and tooth extractions as positive tend to express feelings of being in control. Dental doulas work for the patient, not the dentist or insurance company, which frees them from many constraints that interfere with the desired outcome. Dental procedures are about more than just fixing a tooth, they are about fulfilling a mouth's destiny.

Suzy Flanders now has had three root canals and an extraction, all with the aid of a dental doula. She is even considering a fourth root canal and is interested in having the procedure done in a warm water environment surrounded by koi and/or a dolphin. Because of her positive experiences with dental doulas, she says she would recommend them to anyone. " I will never forget when Dr. Ratchey handed me my extracted tooth, my husband on my right and my dental doula on my left, both enveloping me with gentle and relaxing energy."

Monday, January 25, 2016

You'll Never Believe What Happened When This Adorable Toddler Responded to an Actual In-Flight Medical Emergency.....

You'll Never Believe What Happened When This Adorable Toddler Responded to an Actual In-Flight Medical Emergency!
Is there a doctor on the plane?
1. Two medical doctors stayed in their seats, relieved that it was somebody else's problem now.

2. The teenage boy in 11B ignored the commotion and continued to focus intently on taking advantage of the free WiFi to look at porn without the his mom or the lady in 11C noticing.

3. That sassy older flight attendant sarcastically remarked, "This is what happens when you get health insurance through Obamacare."

4. The co-pilot made a mental note to rededicate his life to his family and his church just as soon as the plane touched down and he had a chance to stash the 2 kilos of Colombian yayo sitting in his rectal cavity.

5. The toddler was accepted to the University of Medicine and Health Sciences in St. Kitts.

6. The man, a 72-year-old Vietnam veteran with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease who forgot to pack his inhaler, died clutching his chest and muttering something about the angel of death.

7. The child's parents were eventually sued in civil court by the family of the dead passenger. Financially ruined, her mother soon began drinking again and her father just left one morning and never returned.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Area Playground Not the Same Since Diarrhea Slide Incident.....

Homewood, AL- Despite a thorough cleaning, and a successful manhunt to find and make an example of those responsible sponsored by the Mayor's office, the playground at Homewood's Overton park has yet to fully recover from a mid-December diarrhea slide incident.

This Overton park playground, believed to be a physical representation of the spirit of Gaia, may never fully recover.
"This park used to be full of children on a Saturday afternoon, or after school let out," Parks and Recreation Director Linkletter Binkley explained. "Something stirred that day when the diarrhea flowed down that cursed slide. Something deep within the very bowels of this land. Something evil. It isn't fully awake yet, but that day is near. The day where we are judged and held accountable for our sins against nature."

Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of diarrhea on slides during his 50 years in Homewood. "Diarrhea comes and diarrhea goes around here. And people move on too. But that slide has been at this park since before I moved here in 1963 and I reckon it'll be here long after I'm gone."

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Millions of Snowed In Americans Planning to Learn More About Presidential Candidates.....

Washington, D.C.- With up to 2 feet of snow having already fallen in some areas, and perhaps days to weeks of power outages expected across much of the Eastern seaboard, millions of Americans are planning to learn more about the presidential candidates in order to become more informed voters in the upcoming election.

A line of hopeful advanced citizens standing in line outside of a Manhattan public library, hoping to stock up on books about the American political process while supplies hold
"If you're looking for a silver lining in this situation, a lot of people are going to finally have the kind of time on their hands necessary to do a deep dive on the various backgrounds and positions of the presidential candidates," explained D.C. area kindergarten teacher Kacee Mistgrave. "The lines at the bookstores and libraries are crazy but it's worth it in order to give the democratic process the respect it deserves."

This isn't the first time that a natural disaster provided time for reading and quiet contemplation about a complicated topic. According to Alabaster Montreal, a professor of Cultural Literacy and Applied Applications at East Coast College of Such Things, there is a long history of Americans coming together to advance their understanding of vital concepts. "In the aftermath of the devastating 2005 hurricane season, we saw millions of people along the Gulf Coast researching the impact of global climate change on future weather patterns as well as the science of evolution."

Friday, January 22, 2016

American Academy of Pediatrics Publishes Guidelines on Extreme Breastfeeding.....

Portland, OR- When new mother Jessica Ramirez found a Groupon for free skydiving lessons, she imagined having the experience of a lifetime soaring above the clouds. After all, this was an adventure that she had dreamed of embarking on for years. Excited, and more than a little nervous, Ramirez approached the counter with her smartphone in one hand and the head of her quietly nursing 3-month-old daughter Jennifer supported in the other.

An extreme breastfeeder, shown here feeding her young infant during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona

“The man at the counter gave me this look, like he was shocked that I would feed my hungry baby in public,” Ramirez recounted. “And when he told me that they didn’t allow mothers to breastfeed during jumps, my jaw hit the floor. This is 2016. This is America.”
Ramirez, an artisinal home infusionist at Portland's Peach & Barrow compounding pharmacy, is part of growing trend in human lactation known as extreme breastfeeding. Extreme breastfeeding, though considered pejorative by some in the lactation support industry, is considered by many proponents to be the leading edge of a struggle to normalize public breastfeeding. They encourage mothers to breastfeed when and wherever they choose, even if that means making some people uncomfortable. 

"The scientific evidence is incredibly clear when it comes to the benefits of human lactation," Nancy Shiversmith IBCLC, RLC, GED, CPR certified, a Portland area lactation consultant revealed. "Isn't it bad enough that many of these children had to wait up to 9 months in the womb before having access to their mother's precious elixir of life? Should they have to wait for her to finish her mixed martial training class too?"

In response to an increase in incidents involving the practice of extreme breastfeeding, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Section on Breastfeeding recently published an updated policy statement. In the report, common concerns from mothers, business owners, and government officials are addressed. The statement endorses the practice and calls for more accommodations for mothers choosing to breastfeed during nontraditional activities, like whitewater rafting or zip lining, or when nursing their child in atypical locations, such as a shooting range or the summit of Mount Everest.
Mort Fishman MD FAAP, lead author of the AAP report, believes that society needs to move beyond this issue and that the new guidelines are a step in the right direction. He considers the labeling of some activities as appropriate for breastfeeding while others, such as waters skiing or horseback riding, are deemed extreme to be just another form of harassment and misogyny. “Frankly there is no life experience that is not made more rewarding by breastfeeding while doing it. Accommodations should be made so that nursing mothers can comfortably feed their children whenever they are hungry and not when society dictates it is appropriate.”

Thursday, January 21, 2016

God Apologies for Clerical Error Leading to Death of Glenn Frey.....

3 Financial Plaza, Heaven- Citing an unfortunate clerical error, God apologized today for the untimely death of rock legend Glenn Frey.

Guy Fieri, shown here being just an awful, awful human being mere moments before serving a flaming pile of his own feces as a signature dish at one of his terrible restaurants

"This truly almost never happens," the Supreme Being and Creator of the universe explained. "I mean, I can see how it happened. Guy Fieri has the same initials, and we just relocated that department to the third floor so it's been chaotic around here lately."

Frey, a founding members of The Eagles along with Don Henley, Bernie Leadon, and Randy Meisner, won six Grammy Awards and co-wrote "Hotel California", a decade defining song for many growing up in the 1970's. According to God, Frey was a singular talent the likes of which may not be seen again. "I really screwed up and I'm sorry. If it helps you feel better, I'm still going to take Guy Fieri, and he's going to suffer...a lot."

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Science Shows Superfoods Would Have Saved Millions of Lives During Black Death.....

Sedona, AZ- According to new research out of the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science in Sedona, incorporation of superfoods into the daily diet of mid-14th century Europeans might have saved millions of lives during the Black Death.

A 14th century French cave drawing depicting a typical day in the life of our primitive European ancestors during the peak years of the Black Death
"I wouldn't call this a surprising result given the multitude of proven superfood health benefits," Project leader Scientist Patel explained. "One can't help but feel sorry for those poor bastards, huddled together for warmth in dark caves, living in constant fear of being carried off by a pterodactyl while foraging for food, and then having to deal with the bubonic plague. Yikes!"

Although it may be too late for our primitive ancestors, modern farming techniques have made superfoods like kale and acai berries available year round. And advances in blending technology have unlocked their true antioxidant potential in an increasing array of powerful and delicious smoothie recipes. According to Patel, the time has come for the people entrusted with public safety to act. "We are calling for the federal government to begin stockpiling kale, mangosteens, goji berries and other superfoods for distribution in the event of a future pandemic."