Monday, April 14, 2014

Zombies Eat More Than 10% of Brains, Study Shows.....

Baton Rouge, LA- Scientists working out of the Zombie Division of Louisiana State University’s Department of Neurosciences held a press conference today to announce that the results of their year-long study of zombie behavior refute the widely held belief that zombies only eat 10% of your brain.
“These results will come as a shock to the millions of humans that believe zombies only eat 10% of their victims’ brains,” Lead researcher and lumbering type zombie Greg Stinson explained while chained to a podium. “Even large percentages of zombies believe it. But this exhaustive examination reveals that we actually eat on average 30-40% of the delicious life-sustaining human neural tissue. We'll eat the whole thing if time allows."
Dr. Mort Fishman, a fast-running zombie neurologist practicing in the area, has questioned the 10% myth for years. He revealed from a containment pod in the Department of Neurosciences’ underground facility that the new study is a nice confirmation of his skeptical stance but that it is unlikely to change many of the superstitious beliefs about zombies so prevalent among humans. 
“Undead cranks and charlatans will likely continue to push zombie self-help books and brain games with unproven pseudoscientific claims of boosting a zombie’s brain eating potential. I've learned over my many years as a zombie neurologist that anecdotes are unfortunately often more persuasive than any scientific study. Also I've learned that brains are delicious and I would very much like to eat your brain.”
Not all of the study's findings were as straightforward, however. Dr. Stinson and his colleagues at LSU noticed an odd trend that has become the focus of their next research effort. "We zombies have an insatiable appetite for brains, right. But I look at a chiropractor and...nothing. Just nothing."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

More Parents Turning to Homeschooling.....

Lebanon, TN- The results of a recently published nationwide survey of parents reveal that the number of homeschooled American children is on the rise, with the most commonly cited reason being the desire to avoid curriculum components considered inappropriate based on religious beliefs.

"We couldn't in good conscience allow our daughter to be exposed to some of the items on that syllabus," explained James Birdwell, a citizen of Lebanon and father of a homeschooled child. "The Bible teaches us that the pathway to Heaven is paved with positive integers. No negative numbers and no fractions!"

Birdwell and his daughter Melizabeth are members of the Lebanon Church of Christ, Arithmetician, a relatively new denomination which focuses on the use of numbers in the Bible. In addition to fractions, believers refuse to accept other modern numerical concepts such as the number zero and the value of the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter being greater than 3. Undeterred by a near complete inability to function in society, Birdwell's belief didn't waver even after his first child died as the result of a medication dosing error.

Church elder Pim Travertine gave an example of church teachings:
"In 1 Kings 3:16-28, the wisdom of Solomon was revealed and the righteousness of the whole number made evident. For only the wicked and deceitful of the two women preferred that which was whole to be rent asunder! Men of God round to the nearest whole number so that are hearts may remain pure."
But modern mathematics is not the first controversial subject to be taught in public schools. Many religious believers, for example, have refused to accept the claims of Darwinian Evolutionists. Some have even protested the exposure of their children to the implications of gravitational and kinetic energy in school physical education programs, citing dodgeball as a tool of the devil himself.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Amish Cosmos Pushes the Limits of Whittling Technology.....

Lancaster, PA- Hoping to take advantage of the recent popularity of science based programming, such as the documentary series Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, which is an update of Carl Sagan's groundbreaking 1980 original, the Amish community in Lancaster has announced plans to produce a plain people friendly take on the origins of the universe.

"Let it not be said that the Amish are afraid of a challenge," Town Elder Amos Zook explained. "Our ways strictly prohibit the use of most technologies that might further connect us with the outside world or lead us into temptation. But as they say, big ships might only be launched where the water is deepest."

Amish Cosmos, which is the working title for the project, will showcase recent advances in whittling technology, significantly improving upon the last Amish produced educational program which consisted of Jedediah Stoltzfus sitting on an old rocking chair and telling his great-great-grandchildren about the passing of the seasons. In fact, many of the scenes will consist of the real time whittling of important events such as The Big Bang and that time Fannie Yoder got herself trapped in the outhouse.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Alternative Medical Researchers Nervous Over Prospect of Peak Homunculus.....

Bethesda, MD- Alternative medical researchers at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) in Bethesda have issued a press release raising concerns over the possibility of peak homunculus, and are calling for a paradigm shift in the approach to discovering new healing modalities.

"This is a big issue in the world of alternative medicine," NCCAM Director Josephine Briggs explained. "The low hanging fruit has been picked when it comes to homunculus based treatments like auricular acupuncture, reflexology and iridology. Frankly, we need some kind of a Sputnik moment if we are going to move forward."

Over the years, a variety of new homunculi have been proposed, such as the now infamous testicular acupuncture map, but these holistic approaches to health have failed to gain a foothold in the marketplace. In 2010, Professor John McLachlan shocked the alternative medical community when he was caught simply making one up. The so-called "butt homunculus" was quickly determined to be a hoax by experts, but not before some damage was done to the reputation of the field.

Actor David Boreanaz with hands in pockets 

But one maverick scientist thinks he may have a solution. Inspired by a freak injury suffered while replacing the engine in his personal vehicle, mechanic Grip Stephens has been working for the past ten years on what he is calling the full body or "Ultimate Homunculus". "What if the evidence of an injury or an illness involving a particular part of the body could just be found by examining it directly, or by testing body fluids or tissue for abnormal levels of something which that part of the body produces or metabolizes? I haven't worked all the details out yet."

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Study Shows American Diets Deficient in Fudge.....

Battle Creek, MI-The alarming findings of a 5-year study performed by scientists at the Kellogg Research Institute for Scientific Progress (KRISP) were released today revealing that a large percentage of Americans consume diets that are dangerously deficient in fudge.

"The data is pretty compelling," Chief researcher Ernie Keebler stated from his research facility housed in a magical hollowed out tree. "If something isn't done about this the children of today stand a good chance of being the first generation in modern times to not fully realize the smooth, creamy, delicious goodness of quality fudge."

A fudge distribution line in Swaziland
Based on the findings of the KRISP study, Congress is considering new laws to combat this growing threat. Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) explains "We are finding fudge levels in some regions that are typically only seen in third world countries. There are a lot of good ideas on the table, but the two front runners are fudge fortified cereals and water fudgidation."

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Brabara Bloodstone is Dead.....

World famous and now dead psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, seen here talking on a corded telephone
The Netherworld- World famous psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone has died, leaving behind a critically acclaimed television show, Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker, and legions of loyal followers.

"Brabara in many ways changed the way we think about the afterlife," Frangelis Middleton, Bloodstone's fourth husband and executor of her estate, explained. "She had a gift, an amazing way of bringing people together and charging them for her services."

Bloodstone will perhaps best be remembered for her eerily accurate psychic predictions of future events, ranging from the mundane to the monumental. She very accurately predicted the 2007 crash of the housing market in 1985 when she stated during a segment on the Webster Lewis show that "people in the next century might have money problems." She also predicted the current controversy in Crimea when she wrote in her 2008 book, You, Me, and Your Dead Grandpa, that Russia "won't be completely honest about everything over the next fifty years."

Although the cause of Bloodstone's death hasn't been officially released, it appears that she was eaten by a shark while returning home from a taping of her television show. A leaked police report has revealed that while inside the shark, Bloodstone suffered a massive stroke. To make matters even worse, an anonymous informant has stated that the shark then exploded, likely because it was smoking while filling up its car with gasoline.

The shark's motives are unknown but may involve Bloodstone's recent appearances in Australia to support her line of shark cartilage based cosmetics. Not surprisingly, this is the exact mechanism of death predicted by Bloodstone in a 1974 letter to the editor of Redbook magazine. Her show is being placed on hiatus, but may return in the Fall with a new host.

Monday, March 31, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Strange But True Facts About Your Body.....


with Mitch Rangler

I've spent decades learning the intricacies of the human body. As a fully apprenticed practitioner of Nutritionopathy, meaning I trained under experts in the field with literally centuries of combined experience in Europe, it's my job to know how things work and what to do about it when they don't. Like rubbing swamp cabbage on a dislocated plectum. 

A lot of people think they know themselves inside and out, but most people don't know squat. Here are ten strange but true facts about our bodies that I've learned over the years:

1. Did you know that the human eye is more than just a window to the soul. Each eye is unique. Inside of each and every eye is a small camera that focuses, adjusts for the environmental conditions, and uses a flash when necessary. 

2. The average man has over 50 pounds of fecal matter in his large intestine. If everybody ate more fiber, there wouldn't be an obesity epidemic. We aren't sure how much stool is in most women's intestines. Some experts say a lot. I disagree.

3. An infant's fingerprints don't develop until they are almost a year old. This is why so many of their crimes remain unsolved. That and their ability to blend into almost any environment and fit through any opening larger than their head. 

This baby murderer evaded detection for nearly eleven hours!
4. The small intestine is coiled up like a long rope in your abdominal cavity. If it was completely unwound it would fill a bucket 6.4e-50 the size of Jupiter.

5. Humans aren't as hairy as cats, or even a marmoset, but we still have over a million hairs follicles per square inch of skin. During times of stress, such as illness or an interview for a new job, humans are known to grow over an inch of hair an hour.

6. The 538th leading cause of death in humans is when the brain squirts out of our ears during a hard sneeze.

Artist rendering of hypothetical spleen
7. Our organs are each designed for specific purposes to help keep our bodies running smoothly. But did you know that we still don't know what or where the spleen is. Many experts don't even believe it exists. Others do.

8. You are what you eat according to experts. But do they really mean it? That's hard to believe because I eat a lot of prunes. I'm wrinkly, but isn't there more to being a prune than that?

9. If you plugged your brain into a computer, would you be able to download your personality? Or is it upload? Why does everyone keep telling me I need an email? 

Tiny vibration sensing hairs in the human nose
10. The human nose can differentiate thousands of different smells. Blind people can develop their sense of smell so much that some have been known to use it for navigation. One famous blind man could even drive while sticking his head out of the window.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

FOX Greenlights 24: Cosmos, Orders First Billion Episodes.....

Earth-Attempting to capitalize on the success of the critically acclaimed reboot of Carl Sagan's Cosmos: A Personal Voyage, this time hosted by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson and updated with recent scientific advances and cutting edge computer generated imagery, FOX Broadcasting Company has greenlit production of a spinoff based on another phenomenally successful FOX series, 24.

"People love the real time action and suspense of 24," explained FOX Broadcasting Co. Chairman of Entertainment Kevin Reilly. "But many people also love the awe and wonder of space and our cosmic origins. It just makes sense to combine them."

Each episode of 24: Cosmos will take the viewer through one 24 hour day in the life of our universe, starting with the Big Bang roughly 13.8 billion years ago. But who, or what, is behind the rapid expansion of the totality of matter and energy in existence won't be revealed until at least season 5,037,000,000,000. Critics are already questioning whether future inhabitants of Earth, or Earth-2, will stay tuned to find out if time traveling counter terrorism astronaut Jack Bauer will get to the bottom of it before the Big Freeze destroys all life in the universe.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Area Man Stumps Scientists with Car Ornament.....

Athens, AL-Evolution, the scientific theory which claims that the diversity of life on Earth has emerged due to environmental pressures shaping the accumulation of random genetic changes over millions of years, was dealt a potentially fatal blow today when local Arby's manager Roy Seale placed a chrome-colored plastic ornament depicting a large Christian ichthus fish eating a Darwin fish on the bumper of his 1995 Toyota Camry.

"I just felt that it was about time that someone exposed evolution as the unscientific belief system it is," Seale explained to the crowd of onlookers gathered in the restaurant parking lot, including of a number of rather sheepish evolutionary biologists. "Let this final nail in the coffin of evolution serve as a beacon of hope to all those that would stand up against the iron-fisted rule of the dogmatic methodological naturalists!"

Handsome Caucasian Man Holding a Bird
Retreating to her underground lair beneath the acid mines near Oakland, California, evil National Center for Science Education mastermind Eugenie Scott expressed dismay regarding the sudden change of fate for the once well-accepted scientific theory of evolution. "I guess it's back to the drawing board for us now unfortunately. But I'm sure that with the full resources of the NCSE at my disposal it won't take long before we're back on top."

Seale, now being heralded as the "Bringer of Light" and "Truth Warrior" by his followers, already has plans to bring the proponents of other controversial scientific notions to their knees with additional vehicle decals. "I have one where an apple is floating back up towards a tree branch."

Friday, March 21, 2014

New Study Links Infant Gluten Sensitivity to Rare Genetic Syndrome in Parents....

Philadelphia- A study performed at the prestigious Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, and published this week in the Annals of Pediatric Medicine, revealed a surprising link between a rare genetic disorder in one or both parents and infant gluten sensitivity.

"This is a truly landmark study that looked at thousands of babies placed on gluten free diets by their parents," Pediatric Geneticist Mort Fishman explained. "Nearly 100% of these young infants with gluten sensitivity have a parent, sometimes two, with a condition known as Magnum Manus."

Man with Magnum Manus shown here waving like an idiot

Magnum Manus, or Big Hand syndrome, was first described by Dr. C. Sagan late last century and has been linked to a number of other conditions. Now gluten intolerance in infants can be added to the list along with chronic Lyme disease, candida overgrowth syndrome, electromagnetic hypersensitivity and many more. Dr. Fishman recommends that any parents concerned about one of these conditions be tested for Magnum Manus:
"I recommend formal genetic testing of course, but a simple at home maneuver can be quite informative. In most humans, the size of the hand is roughly equivalent to the size of the face. Simply place your hand on your face while a friend or loved one observes for a significant size discrepancy."
Dr. Fishman cautions parents with suspected Magnum Manus not to panic. While most babies with gluten sensitivity do have parents with the syndrome, most sufferers don't have children with any major medical problems. Often any perceived symptoms can be explained by more common conditions that don't require special diets or treatment regimens, or by a simple misunderstanding of normal behavior.