Baton Rouge, LA- Scientists working out of the Zombie Division of Louisiana State University’s Department of Neurosciences held a press conference today to announce that the results of their year-long study of zombie behavior refute the widely held belief that zombies only eat 10% of your brain.
“These results will come as a shock to the millions of humans that believe zombies only eat 10% of their victims’ brains,” Lead researcher and lumbering type zombie Greg Stinson explained while chained to a podium. “Even large percentages of zombies believe it. But this exhaustive examination reveals that we actually eat on average 30-40% of the delicious life-sustaining human neural tissue. We'll eat the whole thing if time allows."
Dr. Mort Fishman, a fast-running zombie neurologist practicing in the area, has questioned the 10% myth for years. He revealed from a containment pod in the Department of Neurosciences’ underground facility that the new study is a nice confirmation of his skeptical stance but that it is unlikely to change many of the superstitious beliefs about zombies so prevalent among humans.
“Undead cranks and charlatans will likely continue to push zombie self-help books and brain games with unproven pseudoscientific claims of boosting a zombie’s brain eating potential. I've learned over my many years as a zombie neurologist that anecdotes are unfortunately often more persuasive than any scientific study. Also I've learned that brains are delicious and I would very much like to eat your brain.”Not all of the study's findings were as straightforward, however. Dr. Stinson and his colleagues at LSU noticed an odd trend that has become the focus of their next research effort. "We zombies have an insatiable appetite for brains, right. But I look at a chiropractor and...nothing. Just nothing."