Thursday, August 21, 2014

Courageous Little Leaguer Defies the Odds and Inspires Other Gluten Intolerant Kids.....

Williamsport, PA- The eyes of the nation, and certainly the media, may be focused on female pitching phenom Mo'Ne Davis during this year's Little League World Series, but millions of gluten intolerant children around the world are drawing inspiration from an unlikely source. Grill Abernathy, right fielder for the Cumberland American team from Rhode Island, has suffered from an intolerance to wheat, barley and rye since the age of 9. But this .280 slugger from Cranston has ignored the advice of his doctors and the concerns of his friends and family, choosing to risk his health and serve as a beacon of hope for the afflicted.

Gluten sensitive right fielder Grill Abernathy, mere moments before mixing up his homemade gluten free hot dog bun with one from the concession stand and then totally losing his shit
"We first noticed that something was wrong with Grill when he started complaining of abdominal pain every morning while getting ready for school," Grill's step-mother Wanda Abernathy explained. "It was right after I married Grill's daddy and it went on for months. I thought the new baby would distract him but his symptoms kept getting worse."

Because of the daily bouts of unexplained abdominal pain, Grill missed so much school that his family began to worry that he might fall behind. Finally, after being diagnosed with gluten sensitivity by a carnival psychic, the Abernathys restricted his diet and started home schooling him. The improvement was almost immediate, and nothing short of miraculous.

Grill, who must bring specially prepared gluten free pizza to post-game celebrations, has faced more than his fair share of adversity since coming out as gluten intolerant. Though used to being bullied at school because of his severe stuttering, he wasn't prepared for the reaction from fans of the opposing teams. "I've heard it all. Gluten baby. Wheat wimp. Functional abdominal pain secondary to significant psychosocial stressors. That last one was from my gastroenterologist but we stopped going there."

But the support from the gluten intolerance community has been overwhelming. He has received thousands of letters of encouragement and thanks, mostly from kids like him. "I never realized how many poor kids out there aren't allowed to eat stuff with gluten in it. Now they have someone to look at who is just like them, a victim of something they have no control over."

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Vatican Academy of Pediatrics Updates Recommendations on Child Molestation.....

Vatican City- Officials from the Vatican Academy of Pediatrics (VAP) have released updated guidelines regarding molestation of children, and are recommending that priests minimize or eliminate the activity for children under the age of two years and have a strategy in place for maximizing the benefits for older kids.

A young boy enjoying the cardiovascular benefits of enhanced molestation
"The world has changed a great deal since the last time we addressed this subject," Cardinal Maurice Nicopapadopoulos, chairman of the VAP Committee on Molestation and Public Relations explained. "A hard 2 hour daily molestation limit just isn't reasonable anymore so we needed more nuanced recommendations."

Although the new guidelines do allow for more molesting, the VAP paper is clear about the need for awareness that excessive fondling can have negative health effects. One of the primary concerns of the VAP committee members is the continuing rise of childhood obesity, stating that historically this is an activity with few cardiovascular benefits. They recommend that priests enhance their molestations whenever possible by incorporating more aerobic exercise, perhaps by allowing a child to have a lengthy head start before chasing him down.

Supervised independent activity for infants and young children, such as stacking cups or counting prayers on a Rosary, has clearly been demonstrated in controlled trials to provide more cognitive stimulation than simply being molested if a priest isn't taking an active role in playing with the child. Nicopapadopoulos also mentioned the possible negative affects on sleep hygiene, something that is increasingly being recognized as a major health concern in the pediatric population. "We recommend that priests not molest in the child's room or right before bedtime."

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Man on Winery Tour Tastes the Gooseberry.....

Napa Valley-Dale Southerland, an accountant visiting the Flora Springs Winery today, shocked a large crowd of cellar rats, winemakers and fellow winery patrons when he was able to note 27 distinct flavors in their 2013 Barrel Fermented Chardonnay.

Dale Southerland, shown here tasting the gooseberry, mere moments before being torn to pieces by fellow wine tasters so that they might feed upon his brainstem and olfactory cortex thus acquiring his unique wine tasting ability
"We've had people note ten, maybe 15 flavors before," Winemaker Ken Deis revealed. "They'll usually describe the aroma a bit and comment on the finish, but this is just incredible. Nobody has taken it to this level before and it's just a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are much better at this than others. And Dale is just a very impressive guy. We are all just very impressed."

Mr. Southerland, who noted a hint of autumn leaves and gooseberry as the 26th and 27th flavors, thinks that there may be even more subtle flavors in the wine but he would need more time to sort them out. "I'm not entirely sure, but right at the end I almost think I noted just a splash of black currant with bing cherry undertones. And, could it be? Yes, it is! Just a trace of squirrel's feet and chalkboard erasers. Sublime."

Current Generation of Children First to Have More Stagnant Chi than Parents.....

Bethesda, MD- Experts in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine in Bethesda are warning the public, as well the nation's primary care practitioners, that the current generation of children are on pace to become the first to have higher levels of stagnant chi than their parents.

A child suffering from stagnant Qi playing with healthy friends
"We've been predicting this for years," Kuang Zhu LAC, Head of Pragmatic Acupuncture Research at NCCAM revealed. "We are going public with our concerns in the hopes that a popular outcry will force governmental action to prevent this potential public health tsunami." 

The principles of TCM state that the human body is a condensed representation of the Universe, and that the interactions between internal forces, known as yin and yang, play a leading role in our overall health and in the development of disease. Every aspect of our physiology, and the many ways in which it can malfunction, can be easily explained using the TCM concepts of fire, earth, wood, metal and water. For example, unbalanced liver fire in the context of excess bile (water) can, in the setting of hypoplastic yin with yang engorgement, lead to autoimmune hepatitis in a 17-year-old female patient. 

Zhu explains that taking advantage of the diagnostic precision of this system, and the manipulation of chi, the vital energy force that flows through our bodies performing myriad functions such as regulating the renin-angiotensin-aldosterone hormone system, is what has led to the widespread success of TCM in China, where the average life expectancy is 127 years. "Stagnation of chi has been associated with a variety of health problems both acutely and years down the road. Diagnosing and treating blockages saves lives. It's that simple." 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Area Chiropractor Refers Heart Attack Victim to Appropriate Healthcare Provider.....

Minneapolis, MN- When a heart attack happens, minutes can make the difference between life and death. 600,000 people die from heart disease every year in the United States, but thanks to the quick action of chiropractor Frank Grimes, one local man didn't become just another statistic when he suffered crushing chest pain and shortness of breath while walking his dog in Minnehaha park earlier this week. Grimes, who is fully licensed as a primary care provider in the state of Minnesota, recognized the problem immediately and referred the man to an appropriate healthcare provider.

Healthcare Provider and guy who knows CPR attend to referred chiropractic patient

"I learned about the signs and symptoms of heart attacks during physiology classes my first year of chiropractic college but this is the first time I actually saw one," Grimes explained. "I guess it's like they say. When push comes to shove, the reading kicks in."

Chiropractors, although most commonly thought of as doctors of the back and spine, are educated as primary care practitioners and boast some of the most stringent educational requirements of the health care professions. After four years of pre-medical college education, which includes classes in biology, both inorganic and organic chemistry, physics and psychology, future chiropractors must then make it through the highly selective chiropractic college admissions process.

Remington Abernathy III, President and Head Cashier of Land's End Chiropractic College and Outlet Store in Dodgeville, Wisconsin told us that chiropractic training is comparable to a conventional four year medical education. And like most medical schools, they hardly ever admit convicted felons.
"I'm not surprised that Dr. Gimes was able to make an appropriate referral. Chiropractic students receive 4,200 hours of classroom, laboratory and clinical training in "orthopedics, neurology, physiology, human anatomy, clinical diagnosis including laboratory procedures, diagnostic imaging, exercise, nutrition, rehabilitation and more. They also get a box of bones for practice at home and 80% off select Great Courses lectures."
Some have criticized the chiropractic profession's transition into the role of primary care practitioner, pointing out that for the truly sick patient a visit to the chiropractor is at best an unnecessary step and at worst a dangerous delay. There are also concerns that chiropractic education and experience may be insufficient to allow recognition of the more subtle presentations of serious illness or a broad enough working knowledge of human pathophysiology. But recovering heart attack victim Surge Kaserman isn't paying any attention to cynics and naysayers. "I don't need that negativity in my life. If Dr. Grimes hadn't been there to refer me to the appropriate healthcare provider, I might not be here today."

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Dentist Organization Denies Teeth Cleaning Nanobots Part of Plan for World Domination.....

Chicago, IL- Researchers based out of the American Dental Association's (ADA) Chicago compound today announced the development of teeth cleaning nanobots, but downplayed concerns of any attempts at taking over world.

"This is a significant advance in our ability to prevent and treat a variety of dental illnesses," ADA president Charles Norman III explained. "Not only will this help Americans, and eventually the world, have cleaner teeth and fresher breath, we also know that oral health shares an intimate connection with the health of our cardiovascular system."

Actress Anne Hathaway, shown here accepting the 2013 Oscar for Best Actress in a Supporting Role after her infamous 20 minute rant on the need to take matters into our own hands in order to prevent nanobot mind control
A number of scientists, celebrities and celebrity scientists have been speaking out against the potential use of teeth cleaning nanobots for years. Today's announcement will likely galvanize their efforts to prevent the invention from being put into widespread use. But are these nanobots really part of some sinister plot to control the minds of politicians and the wealthy elite? Is America really the jumping off point for dental world domination? ADA founder William Henry Atkinson says no.

"When I founded the ADA back in 1859, the lifespan of an average tooth was 25 years. Today it's considerably longer. We seek only to further improve upon the health of the oral cavity and all its glorious contents, even if that means using very small robots to infiltrate and control the minds of a few billion people in order to decrease intake of simple carbohydrates."

I for one can't see the harm in that. I've been having my teeth cleaned twice yearly for over seventy years and welcome advances that might help my teeth last longer and improve my hearth health in the process. I trust my dentist and the ADA. But most of all, I trust in the benevolence of Supreme Leader Atkinson. I welcome the opportunity to join the collective mind of my brothers and sisters, and to stamp out tooth decay.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Surgically Implanted Acetaminophen Approved for Hospital Use.....

Newton, MA- In order to help manage difficult to treat mild musculoskeletal pain, headaches and abdominal discomfort frequently managed by healthcare professionals in the emergency and inpatient setting, a growing number of hospitals are fast tracking a surgical procedure which implants acetaminophen directly into the patient's brain.

Ankle sprain patient Emily Gilmore, seen here during an acetaminophen implantation procedure, would go on to die the following day from meningitis of unknown origin.
Traditional oral acetaminophen, most commonly known in the United States as Tylenol, has been a medicine cabinet and hospital formulary staple for decades, although exactly how it works remains a bit of mystery. The leading theory involves manipulation of the neuromatrix, which is believed to lie somewhere near the lobe of Quimby in the preposterior obligate gyroid. Within the past few years, the development of intravenous acetaminophen has given hospital-based physicians an opportunity to give the same medicine through an IV in order to achieve an equianalgesic effect at only an order of magnitude the price.

"It's been a real godsend," pediatric surgeon Mort Fishman explains. "Prior to the IV version we had to cross our fingers and hope that the medicine would get to where it was needed. Now, with intravenous acetaminophen I don't have to think anymore. I can literally watch it go into the patient's vein and avoid interrupting their lunch."

But some patients weren't always responding to the IV formulation, especially those with chronic abdominal pain, headaches, or psychogenic paralysis. Thankfully, surgeons like Dr. Fishman now have another trick up their sleeves. Surgically implanted acetaminophen combines the power of acetaminophen with the confidence that the medication is going exactly where it needs to go, the brain and spinal cord.

The procedure, which takes anywhere from 2 to 5 hours, is quickly becoming a popular choice among surgeons, surgical physician assistants, and residents on the surgical service. Fishman, who pioneered the use of minimally invasive robotic surgery for the incision and drainage of buttock abscesses in toddlers, is a believer. "I have had several nurses tell me that it works better than regular Tylenol."

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Alternative Medical Adverse Events on the Rise, New Study Claims.....

Bethesda, MD- A new report out of the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) is calling into question the safety of Reiki, a technique which was developed in Japan in the early 20th century as a way to manipulate innate human energy fields in order to improve health.

The report, which will be published in the upcoming issue of The Vitamin Shoppe's Amazing Wellness magazine, reveals that the number of Reiki related deaths have increased by almost a quartile since the last assessment in 2007. Lead author Lance Unglesby, a Level IIB practitioner of Therapeutic Touch, estimates that as many as three to four thousand people and animals are injured each year at the hands of incompetent Reiki practitioners.

Mittensby J. Ticklepaws III, shown here mere seconds before suffering catastrophic cardiopulmonary failure during a botched Reiki session

"Many of these deaths occur in July, when new Reiki trainees are starting programs all over the country," Unglesby explains. "People go to a healer expecting to be healed. This is a crisis and something needs to be done about it."

Featured in the report is 10-year-old Timmy C., a boy whose life was tragically cut short when he was brought to a Reiki training facility for help managing his ADHD, which had been diagnosed earlier that week by the lady who cuts his hair. Timmy's mother describes in chilling detail how things turned from miracle to mayhem.

"We had a coupon for a free session and I figured it couldn't hurt, and at first it seemed to be working. The student meditated and then placed his hands over Timmy's body. It was like a light came on in his eyes and I could just tell that his ability to focus was returning. But something went wrong. I heard the Reiki student muttering something about how this shouldn't be happening. He called for help and two Master Teachers rushed in but it was too late."
Only after a full alternative medical autopsy was performed did an explanation for Timmy's death emerge. Parish Coroner Frank Grimes DC, who performed the examination in the basement of his clinic, found a number of vertebral subluxations and a touch of adrenal fatigue, but the true cause of death only became apparent when he hooked Timmy up to an Electro Interstitial Scanning (EIS) system and found a complete absence of resonance. "If you had asked me what killed him before the exam, I would have absolutely said it had to be Acute Severe Subluxation Syndrome, because that is the cause of 99% of non-traumatic deaths. But Timmy was one of those one in a million cases."

What Dr. Grimes DC discovered allowed him to piece together Timmy's final moments. During Reiki therapy sessions, a practitioner sends his own healthy energy into the patient in order to correct imbalances. Unfortunately, the normal flow of energy reversed during Timmy's session. While a well recognized complication, and one that countermeasures have been developed for, such as counting backwards from ten or crossing the big and second toe of the dominant foot, the unskilled student working on Timmy was unaware of these techniques because he not started chapter 4 ("Management of Energy Flow Reversal and Energy Stream Crossing Emergencies") in his Clinical Reiki textbook.

Devoid of any human energy, his body became riddled with dis-ease and he died, right there in his mother's arms. Sadly, had Timmy's mother been trained in Emergency Energy Replacement (EER) she might have been able to save him. An investigation by local authorities revealed that the Reiki training facility did not meet safety code, as it did not have a functional automated energy delivery device (AEDD) on site.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Health Blogger Calls for Diet Cola Warning Labels.....

Belvidere, NE- Mitch Rangler, the controversial advocateur, blogger and founder of The Health Patrol is calling for the placement of warning labels on diet colas containing what he claims are dangerous ingredients.

Controversial health blogger Mitch Rangler, shown here upset about immigrants or the cost of something these days.

"There is more than enough research to support the link between diet cola and a variety of health problems, like cancer, heart disease and obesity," Rangler revealed. "This stuff literally rots your brain from the inside out."

Potential graphical depiction of diet cola consumption side effects for use on proposed warning labels

The warning label would, according to Ranger and The Health Patrol, give consumers more autonomy when choosing which beverages are appropriate for consumption. It has the backing of both the Council of Supreme Nutritionology and the Enclave of Reform Nutrtitionologists. The specific wording was developed by a team of renowned and fully apprenticed Nutritionologists from around the world, but mostly hard to pronounce European cities like Mõisaküla and Cork:

"Warning: Drinking the concentrated evil within will rob you of your health and almost certainly be counted against you when the day of final judgement arrives."

Although Rangler is content with this label, he worries that it may not be enough. "We are talking about a public health tsunami that will claim more lives than actual tsunamis. And not everyone in America reads." Rangler is working on a series of graphical depictions of the harms of diet cola consumption for possible future inclusion on diet cola warning labels.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Area Woman's Birth Plan Revolutionizes Hospital Childbirth.....

Newton, MA- When expectant mother Sincy Bastion arrived at Newton-Wellesley hospital with a birth plan she had developed with her husband and Doula, hospital staff were understandably reluctant to allow an untrained lay person to dictate management of a delivery. But after reading the plan, the nurses and physicians involved in Bastion's care realized that this was no ordinary patient request. In fact, what they discovered would revolutionize hospital childbirth and forever change the course of human history.

Hospital birthing ward shown here having already incorporated the birthing hammock into standard delivery policy as dictated in The Plan

"Reading that birth plan was a career, no, a life altering experience," Obstetrician Mort Fishman explained. "It's very humbling when you realize that you've been wrong as a physician. But I can admit when I'm wrong, and I'll never approach the delivery of a non-aborted human fetus in the same way again!"

Bastion's birth plan, which has been laminated and tacked onto a wall in the nurse break room so that future generations of medical professionals can learn from its teachings, details a comprehensive and natural approach to the birthing process. Experts are predicting that long after the demise of our current civilization, probably at the hand of sentient robots or a mutated squirrel virus, The Plan, as it will come to be known, will serve as a source of both technical instruction for future childbirth and as a blueprint for post apocalyptic religious belief.

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) has already set in motion plans to disband as an organization out of shame. While practicing obstetricians will not yet be required by law to abide by The Plan's birth preferences, it is estimated that roughly 80% will alter their practices in response. Many hospitals around the country are already implementing new birthing policies and procedures, and High Priests and Priestesses of the Church of the Natural Birth, like Dr. Fishman, are going out into the community to share The Plan's pacifier-free vision of peace, harmony and labor hammocks.