Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Cursed Princess Begins Difficult Journey to Recovery.....

Gumdrop Island-As news of the lifting of the evil curse which put her into an impenetrable sleep nearly 5 years ago spreads throughout the kingdom, Princess Leonora, beloved monarch of the magical land of Gumdrop Island, has begun the long and painful process of recovery and rehabilitation.

This hydraulic lift will assist in moving the princess between her royal bed chamber and emerald encrusted dragon bone toilet
"Princess Leonora, wielder of the mystical scepter of power and the source of all beauty and light on Gumdrop Island, has some rough months ahead of her," palace physician Mort Fishman explained during a press conference held today in the Royal Hall of Eternal Vigilance. "True love's kiss or no true love's kiss, her muscles have wasted considerably and there are significant contractions of her extremities. She may not have the strength to feed herself for weeks, let alone to walk or reunite the three segments of the Fairy Crystal at the upcoming Festival of Unity."

Fishman went on to discuss the need for Princess Leonora to continue to receive nutrition via a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy tube until her strength returns, as well as for round-the-clock care of her Stage IV pressure ulcers. "How much function she will eventually regain is anyone's guess. One thing is for certain, however. Prince Charming over there is going to need to learn how to do an "in and out" catheterization."

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2015.....

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2015
By Brabara Bloodstone
World famous psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone
The beginning of each new year always finds me answering the calls of clients, the press and leaders of world governments who are eager to get a head start on the days to come. I can't say that I blame them considering my incredible track record of successfully predicting future events. Like when I saw the coming of cordless telephones. I won't use them though. Man wasn't meant to walk around while talking on the phone.

But each year I grow more and more weary of this burden. The power to see the future is both a privilege and a curse. Sure it was nice knowing that the latest Adam Sandler movie would be terrible before it hit theaters, but was it worth it?

For every agonizing trip to the movies that I've saved myself and millions of others, and for every tragedy I've foreseen, like in 1968 when I successfully predicted that there would be a power outage in an American city leading to several refrigerators full of spoiled food, I must also live with the knowledge of events over which I have no control. Like how somewhere in the world this year a child will call out for his mother in the dark of night, fearful of what might be lurking in the shadows, only to realize that the source of their fear is the dark itself. And clowns.

As I do every year, I've spent the past few weeks deep below ground in order to avoid the interference of neutrinos and skeptics. I've encased myself in a sensory deprivation tank. I've purged my body of toxins and free radicals. I've watched the first season of House of Cards on Netflix.

As always, I can't promise that each and every one of my predictions will come to pass with complete accuracy. My visions of the future are not always clear. At times it is like staring through an open window, while at others it is as if somebody has smeared Super Poligrip on my glasses.

Here are my top twenty predictions for 2015:

1. Money will continue to exist as a convenient medium of exchange in many countries, but bartering as a means of payment for goods and services will gain popularity in the United States. In addition to chickens and baked goods, many people will make purchases using items of personal sentimental value after the existence of metahumans that feed on the emotions and memories absorbed by physical objects is revealed.

Fat chickens like these will be very valuable in the barter system of 2015!
2. Ebola will be huge in 2015, even landing a coveted spot on The Tonight Show with James Falton.

3. Bitter cold will be experienced in large parts of the Unites States. But thanks to a revolutionary new device developed by Amish scientists, humans will be able to venture much farther north than ever before, even colonizing lands north of South Dakota.

A clustering of Amish men looking out upon the unsettled wastelands of Canada
4. Conflicts will occur throughout the world this year, even in previously peaceful areas like New Brunswick and Syria. There will be conflict between nations and individuals. Often this will involve arguments over religion and money, but I can see at least one war between two neighboring countries after somebody refuses to take down their Christmas lights after New Years.

5. Water was a major focus in 2014 (another successful prediction!) but wind will be on everyone's mind this year. Celebrities and regular folk alike will be blown away when a new invention allows mankind to convert wind into energy! But it's not all good news. Wind will be implicated in several disasters in 2015, resulting in the loss of thousands of lives and countless ruined haircuts.

6. The Bermuda Triangle will be in the news, not because of what is found there but because of what isn't. The United States, based on the discovery of an ancient treasure map unearthed during the destruction of the Pentagon, will spend billions dredging the infamous triangular region of the western North Atlantic Ocean. But instead of a treasure of unimaginable wealth, they will inadvertently stumble on a previously unknown island nation named Puerto Rico.

7. Healthcare will be in the news, but not for the living. 2015 will see both a cure for the common cold and the development of a new form of imaging which reverses the polarity of a standard Magnet Resonating Imager (MRI). Ghosts!

Should ghosts benefit from the Affordable Care Act? 
8. I am very worried that Americans will not be getting enough sleep after a rider limiting daily sleep to five hours is attached to a bill declaring Smarch 11th as a National Day of Scrapbooking.

9. In September, millions of senior citizens will confuse the sound of a television or radio in another room with an intruder, tying the 9-1-1 emergency response system up for hours and costing taxpayers over a trillion dollars.

10. Several major elections will take place in 2015, the outcomes of which will be decided by the number of votes received by each candidate. Some of these elections will involve television and radio ads and even door-to-door visits by campaign volunteers. The moon landing hoax!

11. What is vaping? Is it a new kind of dance? Is it legal? Can anybody do it?

Would Jesus vape?
12. A new organ will be discovered by medical researchers. It will be located west of the pancreas and will be called the plectum. It's purpose will remain a mystery.

13. Immigrants.

14. One ring to rule them all, one right to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. GMOs!

15. For years humanity has wondered, "Do plants think? And if so, are they reliable witnesses in a murder investigation? Should they be allowed to vote?" Answers will come in the Summer of 2015. I won't spoil the surprise but let's just say no, they don't, yes, they can, and yes, but only with an official photo ID!

Can this plant vouch for my whereabouts on August 3rd, 2015?
16. Traffic.

17. The United States will finally pass a law making the metric system mandatory, although it will win by a very slim margin of only 2.84*10-9 moles of votes.

18. A habitable extrasolar planet will be discovered by an unlikely team of high school misfits, thus saving our species from extinction at the hands of an intergalactic overlord seeking revenge after falling for a Nigerian advanced fee scam.

Should aliens be allowed to vote? Why not? Plants can.
19. That guy who's on all those shows. What's his name? Rick? Rich? Ryan? Mario Lopez? Yeah, he's going to die.

20. Bees!

Friday, January 9, 2015

Alien Overlord Loses Millions to Nigerian Email Scam.....

Zignar 7, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy-Despite a number of warnings from high ranking members of his elite personal guard, as well as a majority of the Supreme Galactic Senate, ruling Overlord Zorg XII was swindled out of millions of space dollars by a Nigerian advanced fee fraud today.

Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here purchasing Essential Oils from doTERRA
"I can't believe this was a hoax," His Excellency, the immortal wielder of unyielding power and infinite mercy, explained. "My heart went out to Mr. Moses Odiaka, the only surviving son of a murdered sultan. I really wanted to help him acquire his deceased father's riches from those evil uncles. I just don't know what to believe anymore."

Zorg XII, ruler of thousands of planets across the galaxy and known by his many billions of loyal subjects as both the Bringer of Eternal Peace and the World Eater, has lost respect in the eyes of some of his followers. Commerce Droid BX-419 revealed "You'd think he would have learned his lesson after the Amway MLM scheme or when he invested the royal treasury in that Emu farm."

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Doctors Stumped by New Study Proving Effectiveness of Homeopathy.....

Hartford, CT-A groundbreaking new study of the effectiveness of homeopathic remedies on a variety of illnesses is calling into question over a hundred years of medical progress and the scientific method in general.
Maximus VII, Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, shown here covering up a natural testosterone replacement
The study, which involved a telephone survey of patients of registered homeopaths across the nation, asked such probing questions as "How Wonderful is Homeopathy? 1. A little wonderful 2. A lot wonderful 3. Extremely wonderful." More than eleven participant responses were included and the results were statistically and emotionally significant. It was published in the Scientific Journal of Homeopathic Science, a peer reviewed journal and Twitter account.

The latest in a string of high profile studies proving the effectiveness of a variety of alternative therapies, such as the use of aromatherapy for prolonged QT syndrome and rolfing for multiple endocrine neoplasia Type III, the study has sent the medical community into a tailspin. Maximus VII, current Supreme Overlord of the Medical-Industrial Complex, has already initiated damage control measures.

"We've been concerned about the mounting evidence for the use of non-conventional therapies such as therapeutic touch and coffee enemas for a while," Maximus VII announced during a press conference held today at the Medical-Industrial Complex secret headquarters on Skull Island. "We do have a contingency plan."

Maximus went on to reveal that starting today, conventional medical doctors will no longer be providing healthcare and will instead focus purely on the more lucrative lifestyle and cosmetic concerns. "The chiropractors, faith healers and integrative quantum priestesses pretty much have things under control now. So we are going to focus our efforts on providing quality pharmaceutical options for flaccid bald men and wrinkled soccer moms."

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Fisher-Price Reveals Plans for Phase 2 Smart Stages Education Technology.....

East Aurora, NY- Fisher-Price, a company known mostly for producing toys for infants and younger children, has announced today that the second phase of their Smart Stages line of educational toys will be initiated at some point in the next five to ten years, but likely when the world's governing bodies least expect it.

Future foot soldier in the now unavoidable battle for world domination, shown here learning lethal points on the human body and his ABCs 
"Toys that incorporate Smart Stages technology adapt to the age of the child as they grow," Bryan Stockton, Supreme Emperor and CEO of Fisher-Price's parent company Mattel, explains. "A 6-month-old is very hands on, learning by doing rather than by following instructions. But a year later, that same child will use their imagination during play and can follow simple and direct commands. At that point they belong to me. This I command!"

Fisher-Price scientists and medical consultants, like evil developmental pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, have designed the advanced Smart Stages levels with the unique biopsychosocial milieu of the typical American teenager in mind. And they are confident that parents will see the benefits. "After the dust has settled, and any pitiful resistance efforts eradicated, those loyal to us will be rewarded."

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial
by Sumu-la-El


Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Area Homes Burglarized by Life Size Elf on the Shelf.....

Atlanta, GA- Atlanta law enforcement authorities are warning the public about a new home invasion scheme that has already led to the burglary of eleven homes this holiday season.

On autopsy this life sized Elf on the Shelf was found to just be a man in a costume  
"It's Christmas, people really want to please their kids and they aren't as cautious as they would normally be," Atlanta Police Department Deputy Chief Randy Stuart Carson explained. "But if it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

The ingenious scheme involves a full grown man dressing up like one of the popular Elf on the Shelf toys and claiming to be an actual elf sent from the North Pole to observe and report back to Santa, thus gaining access to the home. Once inside, the burglar simply waits until the family is asleep or has left him alone in the house.

Although it seems hard to believe that anyone would fall for such a trick, this isn't the first time that criminals have taken advantage of holiday distraction and unhealthy consumer demand according to Deputy Chief Carson. "Once we caught a peeping tom dressed up as Teddy Ruxpin. Unfortunately I shot and killed an actual Furby in 1998. He died in my arms. U-nye-way-loh-nee-way little buddy, u-nye-way-loh-nee-way."

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....

Point
Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL
Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Counterpoint
Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Pope Reveals Additional Policy Changes in Heaven.....

Vatican City- Less than a week after revealing that baptized heterosexual dogs who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, Pope Francis has now also confirmed several additional policy changes.

Soulless feline Hank Stevens, shown here reacting to the news that cats remain barred from a Heavenly eternity in Christ 
"These recent announcements are leading to an increasing division among Church leaders," Rev. Lars Fransisco, Ph.D., a professor in the Saint Mary's College of California Department of Old Timey Expressions and an expert on the Vatican, explained. "If I know my onions, those Cardinals can't tell a bimbo from a bearcat right about now. And between you and me, I'd bet a wooden nickel that some of them wouldn't mind giving that old hotsy-totsy an icy mitt!"

In addition to accepting dogs, the following updates to Heaven will also go into affect as of January 1st, 2015:
1. Heaven will now offer internet access.
2. Worthy souls will be granted one "Get Out of Hell Free" pass which will allow new members to retrieve any soul in the eternal torment of damnation at the time of admission.
3. Sorry, no cats.
4. Taco Tuesday.
5. The standard issue white tunic will now also be available in creme and ivory. 
Adding to the controversy surrounding the Pope's bombshell revelations is the fact that they were made during casual conversations with an ill child, rather than during an officially sanctioned Church meeting, sporting event or genocide. Some detractors, like Larry "the destroyer" Abbaddon, the angel of the abyss and king of locusts, are questioning the motives of the Pontiff. "This is clearly motivated by increasingly empty pews and collection boxes. What's next, a Jesus for a day contest!"

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Solomon Grundy Calls for More Pediatric Cancer Research.....

Memphis, TN-During a widely publicized press conference held today at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Solomon Grundy, a former member of both the Legion of Doom and Lex Luthor's Injustice Gang, called for an increase in government financial support of research that may lead to a cure for childhood cancers.

Solomon Grundy, shown here after pleading for more NIH focus on pediatric cancers and just prior to murdering everyone in attendance
"This is a real shock to the pediatric oncology community," St. Jude spokesperson Jim Whitstock explains. "We really didn't see this coming from someone so, well, I mean, he's an evil two hundred year old zombie for pete's sake."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood is a frequent nemesis of Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern. But Grundy may be more complex than the public perception of him as a mindless killing machine. "Me Solomon Grundy think children are future. Also me have niece with leukemia."