Monday, January 15, 2018

Pfizer Announces Expanded Line of Zithromax Cough and Cold Remedies.....

New York- The pharmaceutical company Pfizer has announced plans to release an expanded line of Zithromaximum over-the-counter cough and cold remedies inspired by their popular antibiotic Zithromax. The new products will complement the earlier rollout of Zithromaximum Cough Relief Sprinkles, which was the first cough medicine specifically designed to be sprinkled on Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

Aziz Ansari (shown here not sexually assaulting anyone) 

"Those money spewing flesh widgets just love Zithromax," Pfizer President and CEO Ian Reed explained. "It's the most popular antibiotic on the market for a reason. We've got focus groups where toddlers will ask for this stuff by name. Fucking toddlers, I shit you not! And the cough sprinkles? Huge! I'm talking boner pill huge."

According to Reed, consumers can expect to get the same kind of relief from their viral respiratory symptoms with an over-the-counter Zithromaximum product as they do when Zithromax is prescribed by a physician for a serious bacterial infection presenting with the exact same symptoms. He literally said that to me. And then we shook hands on it. And he looked me in the eye like a man.

Zithromax is a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, an older antibiotic that was discovered one day under a pile of rocks in the Philippines. It works by inhibiting bacterial growth through the disruption of protein synthesis. It has been one of the most popular antibiotics in America for over a decade, primarily prescribed to treat respiratory tract infections, chlamydia, and physician uncertainty. The new cough and cold products won't contain any actual Zithromax, which can only be obtained by prescription, but the word will be featured prominently on the label so that even a stupid kid can see it.

"The new products will give customers more control over the experience of their illness," Mort Fishman MD, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, explained. "These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors contained in a unique formulation. There just aren't any cough and cold products on the market that are more effective. Not one."

According to Fishman, the additions to the product line will include Zithromaximum-AM with Caffeine, Zithromaximum-PM with Benadryl, Zithromaximum Pain and Fever Relief with Tylenol, and Zithromaximum After Dark. "Zithromaximum After Dark will contain a proprietary blend of secret ingredients. I can't tell you what's in the blend exactly, but I can say that it's about 90% ground up tree frog." 

Monday, January 8, 2018

Olympics to Consider a Ban of Performance Enhancing Kinesiology Tape.....

Lausanne, Switzerland- Based on a recently completed scientific assessment of 2nd generation kinesiology tapes, and the advanced taping techniques developed since the 2012 Summer Olympic games, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering a total ban of performance enhancing tapes.

Haphazard application of modern kinesiology tape is the leading cause of death and loss of limb in elite athletes according to (remember to get the name of that expert from Jim).

"This is an issue that the committee is taking very seriously as the start of the games in PyeongChang nears," IOC President Dr. Thomas Bach explained. "Progress in taping technology over the past 6 years has caught us all a little off guard, and none of us want another Wheaties situation on our hands."

Most fans of the games are familiar with kinesiology tape, particularly after widespread use emerged during the 2012 London Summer Olympics. More primitive versions of kinesiology tape, and the rudimentary applications at the time, primarily served to aid in muscle recovery by improving lymphatic drainage and reducing inflammation. The latest applications actually appear to enhance athletic performance beyond what would have otherwise been humanly possible and is almost certainly what allowed so many unexpected results in Rio two years ago, such when Larry Anderson broke the record in the alternating tetrahedralon by 11 quods.

The IOC funded study has found that modern kinesiology taping methods, which work by connecting the tissue around muscles along a specific kinetic chain, results in performances closer to and even exceeding an individual competitor's innate potential. According to Dirk LaGrange, a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner, so-called "power taping" might even be dangerous in the wrong hands. "Inexperienced trainers, sometimes even the athletes themselves, are applying tape that is 180% more elastic with tighter weaving and stronger adhesive capability. Someone is going to get hurt."

Saturday, January 6, 2018

8th Edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program to Address Ankyloglossia.....

Itasca, IL- In response to a request from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding and Baby-Friendly USA (BFUSA), the next edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program (NRP) will include recommendations on the diagnosis and management of ankyloglossia.

"Resuscitation of the newborn is nuanced and multifaceted," certified lactation counselor and BFUSA Board of Directors Chair Theresa Landau explained. "We aren't asking for there to be a delay in providing effective ventilation, at least not yet, but the evidence is overwhelmingly clear that breastfeeding provides optimal nutrition and should be encouraged at every step of the process."

As part of the upcoming 8th edition of the program, which is jointly sponsored by the AAP and the American Heart Association, a new lesson module will cover the basics of assessing for the presence of a lingual frenulum, or "tongue-tie", as well as any restriction in the movement of the tongue. If it is determined that a baby requires help with initiating breathing, typically done by inflating the lungs with the use of a manual resuscitator bag, then corrective measures should be considered. The most common corrective measure for ankyloglossia, a procedure known as a frenotomy, involves using sterile scissors to snip the excessively tight frenulum. This has been shown in some studies to be associated with improvements in breastfeeding in a percentage of the participants.

(M)ask adjustment
(R)eposition airway
(S)uction mouth and nose
(O)pen mouth
(P)ressure increase
(A)lternative airway
("MR.SOPAF" mnemonic for corrective steps during resuscitation from the NRP 8th edition)

Several additional changes to the NRP guidelines will further support breastfeeding. These will include maintaining direct skin-to-skin contact between the newborn and mother while placing an endotracheal tube and offering counseling on the benefits of breastfeeding over infant formula during the first minute after delivery of all infants born at less than 32-weeks gestation. Some experts, like Bobak Ghaheri, MD, a surgeon who specializes in laser-frenotomy in breastfeeding newborns, think that the new guidelines don't go far enough. "Pediatricians are idiots if they think that we should be waiting until birth to manage ankyloglossia!"

It is not uncommon for new editions of the NRP to include major changes. Based on mounting evidence against the practice, the prior update recommended against routine tracheal suctioning of non-vigorous newborns when the amniotic fluid is found to contain meconium, which is the medical term for an infants first stool. According to AAP President Fernando Stein, MD, FAAP, pediatricians will likely be quick to adopt the latest guidelines as well. "Pediatricians care for children who are developing, who are rapidly achieving new milestones as they age. You might say that we are experts in change."

Friday, January 5, 2018

Where Are They Now?: Celebrity Pet Psychic Loora Finchly.....

Los Angeles, CA- There was a time when internationally known pet psychic Loora Finchly couldn't walk down the street in Los Angeles without being recognized by the pets of the rich and famous. These days, rather than counseling Paris Hilton after an argument with her teacup Pomeranian, Finchly can usually be found sitting in Grand Park talking to squirrels. And not LL Cool J's squirrels either. Just regular squirrels.

A regular squirrel, shown here with nothing particularly interesting at all to say about anything

"I once got a phone call from a dog handler in the Kennedy administration after Pushinka growled at little Caroline," Finchly explained. "Now that dog knew some things, but he made me promise not to tell. It's one of my biggest regrets. Maybe if I had, he wouldn't have been...."

Finchly's gift was put to use by presidents, kings, and Hollywood celebrities. Even NASA called her when Enos, who would become the first chimpanzee in space, kept having nervous diarrhea during training. But the call she remembers most was one she never actually received. "I knew that my star had fallen when the heptapods came in 2016 and they called a linguist...a God damned linguist!"

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

2020 ACLS Guidelines to Include Kinesio Tape.....

Dallas, TX- A preliminary report from the American Heart Association (AHA) has revealed the likely inclusion of Kinesio Taping in the 2020 advanced cardiac life support (ACLS) updated guidelines, and some experts are even recommending early adoption.

Appropriate color and placement of Kinesio Tape, as shown here, can stabilize the chest wall and increase the effectiveness of chest compressions 

"We review the most current medical literature every 5 years in order to keep our ACLS guidelines and educational materials as up to date as possible," AHA President John Warner MD explained. "Our focus has always been on establishing a foundation of basic lifesaving skills, quality CPR, team dynamics and communication, and the recognition and treatment of life-threatening medical emergencies."

One of the most important aspects of advanced life support is also one of its most basic. When a patient's heart isn't functioning properly, cardiopulmonary resuscitation, commonly referred to as CPR, can partially restore the flow of oxygenated blood to the heart and brain with the application of deep compressions of the chest. It may be a basic component of ACLS, but that doesn't mean that CPR is simple to perform correctly.

Proper chest compressions require a significant amount of downward force in order to squeeze blood from the heart and throughout the body, and it needs to be done frequently to be effective. Experts such as Mort Fishman MD, an intensive care physician at Northern Mount St. Deaconess Memorial Health Center in Livingston, MT, have seen providers experience fatigue and muscle cramping that can interfere with quality compressions. "We've suspected for years that Kinesio Tape might play a role in compressions, stabilizing the chest wall and augmenting the force provided by an emergency responder, and I use it in my unit. In my opinion, we shouldn't be waiting for the go-ahead from the AHA to standardize its use."

Widespread adoption will likely occur in 2020 when the next ACLS update is set to be released. That's because mounting evidence is supporting what Fishman and many paramedics and emergency medical technicians have known for years. "A patient in my ICU isn't dead until they're taped and dead."

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Kraft Heinz Announces New Sleep Support Lunchables.....

Fullerton, CA- In response to a growing body of research on the benefits of adequate sleep for developing children, and the nap time frustration increasingly experienced by parents, The Kraft Heinz Company has announced the development of new Sleep Support Lunchables.

A toddler, shown here achieving a peaceful and restorative sleep with the help of Sleep Support Lunchables
"Since 1989, busy parents around the world have turned to Lunchables prepackaged meals," Kraft Heinz Chairman Alex Behring explained. "Instead of thinking of our product as simply a time-saving miracle, concerned caregivers will soon come to rely on our Sleep Support product line to improve the overall health and well-being of their children by helping them to catch a few valuable extra z's."

Sleep Support Lunchables will come prepackaged with the same variety of foods and food-like substances that kids have tolerated for years. But according to Dr. Mort Fishman, a pediatric sleep expert and medical consultant for Kraft Heinz, the new boxes will also contain sleep promotion educational material. "Teaching kids about proper sleep hygiene is important, especially now that electronic screens have become such a prevalent sleep hazard. Also every serving of the pudding contains 25 mg of Benadryl."

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Lego Group Unveils New Lego Naturals® Product Line.....

Billund, Denmark- The Lego Group, makers of the world's most popular brand of construction toys, has announced the production of a new line of Lego Naturals® products in response to growing concerns from health conscious and environmentally aware parents.

An eco-friendly model of the Sydney Opera House built with Lego Naturals® construction bricks
"Parents are doing their research and have expressed many concerns about both the environmental impact of discarded Lego pieces and possible adverse health effects from exposure to our products," Niels Jacobson, Chairman of The Lego Group, explained. "I'm confident that they will be pleased with our efforts."

Lego Naturals® will be manufactured using only organic wood and plant pulps, and without plastics, artificial colors, or chemical hardening agents. Durability of the individual pieces will be somewhat decreased according to Jacobson. "We are advising customers to consider these as single use, 100% biodegradable products because the slightest bit of atmospheric humidity, even just the natural oils of the human fingers, will cause significant decomposition within minutes of exposing the individual pieces to the environment. This will limit the versatility of the toys but not the imagination of the young child."

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Virtual Reality to Allow Boston Poor to Experience New Tapas Place on Beacon Street.....

Brookline, MA- Thanks to a revolutionary advance in virtual reality technology, the poor people of Boston, and eventually the world, will be able to experience that new Tapas place on Beacon street.

Boston native Mark Wahlberg, shown here leaning forward with elbows on knees and clasped hands hiding an erection from the photographer

"Not a day goes by that I don't worry about those less fortunate than myself," Brookline resident Tate Uppington explained. "To go through life having never experienced the many natural and man-made wonders of the world, like Iceland's Golden Falls or the view from the top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, is bad enough. But that new tapas place on Beacon is a just transcendent."

Starting later this month, single use virtual reality headsets will be issued to Boston residents earning less than the federal poverty level in the alley behind Dunkin' Donuts. The devices, developed at MIT and funded by a grant from the Brookline Rotary Club, will transport the less fortunate into the Burro Bar on a busy Friday night. According to Uppington, they will have the opportunity to marvel at the sights and sounds of the establishment, which is known for a variety of creatively stuffed tacos and a large selection of tequilas, all while enjoying narration provided by actor, and Dorchester native, Mark Wahlberg.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Integrative Baby Monitor Combines the Best of Conventional and Alternative Features.....

Portland, OR- Hoping to ease the burden of nervous parents, Globodyne Industries has developed the OptiHover Integrative Baby Monitor, the first baby monitor to combine the best of conventional and alternative features.

The OptiHover from Globodyne Industries could have prevented this baby's death from stagnant chi and multiple spinal subluxations

"Raising a human infant can be pretty scary," Globodyne Science Officer and medical school graduate Mort Fishman, MD explained. "When parents bring a baby home from the hospital, birthing center, or dolphin-assisted delivery paddock, they face many nights of fear and anxiety over the future returns on their precious social capital investment. They also don't want the baby to die."

In addition to traditional features, such as audio and video feeds, the OptiHover will also be able to detect movement and transmit oxygen saturation and pulse rate data to the caregiver's smartphone or tablet device. According to Fishman, Globodyne researchers didn't limit the functionality to the boundaries of methodological or even metaphysical naturalism. "Today's parents want more than just biophysical statistics. They realize that their baby isn't just some number on a spreadsheet. The OptiHover also includes a variety of holistic options such as meridian patency and aura strength. The OptiHover Deluxe will even ward off evil spirits."

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Solomon Grundy Calls for Classroom Fidget Spinner Ban....

Slaughter Swamp, NJ- Adding to the fidget spinner controversy that has parents, teachers, and pediatric mental health professionals choosing sides, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy announced today that the popular psychological stress relievers have no place in classrooms.

Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing the potential harm of fidget spinners in a classroom setting with a group of education experts who he would later dismember in a fit of blind rage

"It's true that fidget spinner use is generating some controversy and that parents are caught in the middle," child psychiatrist Mort Fishman explained. "But I truly believe that strategic classroom use of these devices can benefit certain students. And if some kids just think of them as fun toys, I just don't see what the big deal is. Frankly I'm more than a bit skeptical of claims made by an evil zombie that murdered Skyman and ate Red Tornado's arm that time he inhabited a human body."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while working on his PhD in educational psychology. He is calling for a complete ban of fidget spinners, listing several specific concerns. "Fidget spinners bad. Just toys. Make Solomon Grundy angry. Just stupid toys!"