Tuesday, May 26, 2015

New Study Challenges Scientific Consensus on Monkey-Penguin Relations.....

Lexington, KY-A study, published today in Online Publishing Module #1,014 - Applied Applications, appears to reverse a century of scientific consensus on the interactions between monkeys and penguins. 

A monkey-penguin hybrid, recently discovered just hanging around the San Diego zoo, was specifically predicted by Charles Darwin's less popular twin brother Larry
"If you had spoken to a primatologist or ornithologist prior to this publication, they would have told you of the intense hatred between the two species with certainty," Zoologist Adam Sasaki explained. "It's difficult to accept the new findings because the evidence up till now has pointed in a very different direction. But their study design is flawless. It looks like monkeys and penguins actually get along pretty well."

But at least one scientist, cryptozoologist Lars Pinkerton, is recommending caution in interpreting the findings in the paper. "One study isn't enough to warrant the 180 degree change in opinion that appears to be going on in scientific circles. You have to look at the entirety of the literature on the subject. Also I've never even seen a monkey and a penguin together in the same room."

Friday, May 22, 2015

Groundbreaking Functional MRI Study Reveals Secrets of Functional MRI Research.....

Functional magnetic resonance immaging (fMRI) researchers are now one step closer to understanding the mysterious inner workings of functional magnetic resonance imaging researchers.

An fMRI image, taken at the exact instant an fMRI researcher thought about fMRI research on fMRI researchers, has pretty colors.
The excessive desire to perform research using fMRI has been a condition that has left many experts scratching their heads for years, largely because fMRI-based claims of causality are considered questionable by many neuroscience researchers. Now, researchers from Sweden have found that inappropriate reliance on fMRI findings is linked to abnormal activity in parts of the brain that process and enjoy bright blobs of light and multiple comparisons.

Dr. Morto Salmone, the Editor-in-Chief of Online Publishing Module #437- Brain Connections and Such, is particularly excited about the new study:

"Functional MRI obsession is an understudied condition with an unknown cause that can only be diagnosed by its symptoms. This study is an important first step in understanding how the brain is involved in the widespread employment of reverse inferences that is so characteristic of the disorder."
For the study, 15 researchers with classic symptoms of fMRI obsession, and 20 healthy volunteers that were hanging out at an area Dave & Busters with nothing better to do, underwent fMRI scanning while exposed to images culled from a variety of previous fMRI studies. Prior to this test, the machines had been calibrated to account for each participant's level of pattern recognition. Studies performed in the past have demonstrated that pattern recognition may be dependent on genetic expression and is unique to an individual. As expected by the researchers, subjects suffering from fMRI obsession found more patterns in randomly generated images.
Interestingly, analysis of the resulting scans showed significant differences in brain patterns between the healthy participants and those with fMRI obsession. The fMRI obsessed researchers showed "functional decoupling," a decreased connectivity between regions devoted to pattern recognition and brain areas involved with executive function. It's all very interesting, and only a stupid person would be confused by this.
The authors suggest this reduction in brain connectivity could impair pattern perception, potentially increasing sensitivity to random noise and pretty, pretty colors. They are calling for additional research into the phenomenon, and for lawmakers to consider stiff prison sentences for researchers demonstrating symptoms. "It's better to be safe and lock these people up."

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Knudsen's Creative Corner: My Frontal Lobe.....

The following was submitted by long time Knudsen's News reader Dr. Mort Fishman

Actor Jon Hamm, shown here stepping up onto a curb
My Frontal Lobe

My frontal lobe is my best friend. Every morning I wake up and remember how lucky I am to have one. It helps me to get out of bed in the morning and to fix myself a nutritious breakfast. It helps me to brush my teeth and fix my hair. It helps me to pick out what outfit to wear. I love my frontal lobe. Without my frontal lobe, I could never do all of the wonderful things that I do every day. 

I never take my frontal lobe for granted. I take it with me everywhere I go. One time I took my frontal lobe to the zoo and it threw rocks at the monkeys. My frontal lobe helps me read books and articles so that I can be a good doctor. After we study, my frontal lobe and I love to watch Dawson's Creek reruns and eat Totino's microwave pizza. My favorite color is blue but my frontal lobe's favorite color is green. I would hold my frontal lobe's hand but my parietal lobe won't let me. It is jealous. My frontal lobe has the most beautiful deep bass voice and loves Sam Smith as both a singer and a human being.

Sometimes my frontal lobe gets mad at me. It has a bad temper. Usually it's my fault though because I don't do what it tells me to do. Sometimes I drink too much and it gives me hepatic failure. My frontal lobe is the most powerful frontal lobe in the whole world. One time my occipital lobe was being mean so my frontal lobe made an example of it in front of my entire brain and I was blind for three months.

One time I made my frontal lobe mad because I worked out too hard when it was tired and had a headache. I said I was sorry but it was so upset that it gave me left-sided neglect and I had half a beard from 1978 through 1981. My frontal lobe gives me a gold star for every time I make it all night without going potty. My frontal lobe can beat up your frontal lobe. My frontal lobe thinks my limbic system is an emotional mess and is planning to have it infarcted.

I like to write poetry about my frontal lobe as well, but it is shy and only allows me to write in the form of a haiku. My frontal lobe lets me breathe when I behave. I am scared of my frontal lobe. Help me. My frontal lobe is evil and it can hear my thoughts. My frontal lobe has plans for all of you.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Food Baby!

About Frank Hunt

Hi there! First of all, I want to say welcome and thank you for stopping by. 
My name is Frank Hunt, but I’m probably better known as “The Food Baby.” Why the name? It's because I love food...and I'm a 7-month-old baby.

Did you know that your food is full of toxic chemicals?

Did you know that most chronic illness is caused by our unhealthy modern diet, most of which was created in a laboratory using science and ingredients that I can't pronounce because they are more than one syllable?
Did you know that my daddy ceases to exist whenever he puts his hands in front of his face? But greedy corporations can't hide the truth about dangerous ingredients from me, as long as they don't put it behind their back or under a blanket.

In the 7 months since I was born into a birthing pond in the backyard of my parents' home in Lansing, Michigan, I've learned a lot about health and nutrition. Like how most infant formulas contains endocrine disrupters or how I'm terrified of strangers. I'm going to share all my knowledge with you so that you can go out into the world prepared to be as healthy as possible.

I wasn't always so healthy though. When I was born that day amongst the koi, I was large-for-gestational age. For weeks I couldn't do anything but feed and evacuate my bladder and bowels. Talk about a crib potato!

When I developed colic and a fungal diaper rash, I knew it was time to take matters into my own hand using a raking motion or perhaps by picking it up between my thumb and forefinger.

My newfound inspiration helped me to focus on food ingredients, even when they were held more than 8 to 10 inches from my face and moved from one end of my field of vision to the other. No longer content to just lay on my back, I turned both ways to accept my past dietary mistakes and move forward into a healthier tomorrow. Now, a much slimmer 50th percentile in weight and length, I can sit unsupported with my head held steady and high.

Won't you join me?

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: It's Time to Think About Your Colon.....


with Mitch Rangler

Hey Patrollers! After a long and difficult Winter, Spring is finally making its presence known around the country. Soon flowers will be in bloom, releasing their sweet fragrance into the air and signaling the rebirth of the natural world.  Spring is a time of renewal, and for many it is a time to break out the cleaning supplies for a little Spring cleaning.

Everywhere I look there are gardens being mulched, rugs being beaten out on the veranda, and hobo bones being carried out to trash receptacles. Come next week, Winter's last remnants will be a distant memory, as will its migrant worker population which had come to seek shelter after the hobo encampments on the outskirts of town were mysteriously burned to the ground. But there is more to Spring than cleaning up your house, or disposing of human remains found in your crawl space.

I use the return of birdsong and honeybee mating calls to remind me that it is also a perfect time to focus on ways to renew my commitment to true health. Part of being a good citizen, and a requirement of my tenancy agreement, is being free of disease. And what better way is there to get a jump start on a healthier lifestyle than a cleansing colonic?  

I'm asking all of my Patrollers out there to pay close attention to their bodies and to seriously consider taking a positive step towards a healthier tomorrow. Even if you already think you are healthy, you probably just aren't looking deep enough or have been brainwashed by Ivory Tower eggheads trying to sell you synthetic chemicals. I have ten stools a day, each the size of a marble, just like God intended.

How do you know if you need a colonic? Here is my validated, 100% sensitive and 3% specific, foolproof self-evaluation tool that anyone can do at home. You can't lose!

Ask yourself, do you suffer from any of the following conditions:

Depression, Forgetfulness, Unprovoked Remembering, Drowsiness, Intestinal Bloat, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Indigestion, Nausea, Sinus Problems, Bad Breath and Candida, Constipation, Diarrhea, Flatulence, Arthritis, Dementia, Headaches, Asthma, Allergies, Body Odor, Foot Odor, Insomnia, Chronic Fatigue, or Acne

Have you found yourself using any of the following items or taking part in any of the following activities:

Taking antibiotics, Bathing in tap water, Drinking tap water, Driving in a car in heavy traffic, Hair dyes, Fingernail polish, Standard cleaning products, Toothpaste with fluoride, Eating at Fast food restaurants, Eating shellfish, Using artificial sweeteners, Not drinking enough purified water, Have less than 2 bowel movements daily, Drinking sodas, Walking barefoot on grass, Taking prescription drugs, Windsurfing

Do you suffer from any of the following physical symptoms:

Back pain, Change in appetite, Chest pain, Constipation or diarrhea, Dry mouth, Extreme tiredness, General aches and pains, Headaches, High blood pressure, Insomnia, Lightheartedness, Palpitations, Sexual problems, Shortness of breath, Stiff neck, Sweating, Upset stomach, Weight gain or loss, Windsurfing

So the next time your "doctor" tries to sell you a prescription for science drugs, ask them if they know the difference between dis-ease and true health. Ask them if they know the difference between an enema and a colonic. Ask them why the AMA doesn't return my letters.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

World's Fattest Baby Now in Size 2 Diapers.....

ALEISK, Russia-When Nadia Khalina was born in February, she weighed nearly 18 pounds and had a BMI well over the 95 percentile. Nearly two months later the morbidly obese former neonate has, with the help of nutrition experts, pediatric health specialists, and certified infant fitness trainers sponsored by Quiznos, managed to drop 10% of her birth weight.

Certified Infant Fitness Expert Derique, shown here demonstrating his trademark Derique Technique while on tour with the Belvidere Hambone Players
"When we started working with Nadia, I really didn't think we'd have this much success so early in the program," infant trainer Tawny Kincaid explains. "She didn't seem to want it bad enough, you know. If you are going to drop those pounds, you've got to stay focused and keep your eye on the prize and, well, she acted like this was all a big joke at first."

Team nutritionist Nancy Cadwallader, a veteran in the business of weight loss who has worked with celebrity babies like Siri Cruise and North by Northwest Kardunkian, knew that the first obstacle for Nadia was cutting back on carbohydrates, and that meant breast milk. "That stuff is like liquid cheese danish. Sure its got some protein in it, and some immunoglobulins, but it also has about 7% carbs."

This aspect of the program was the most difficult according to the team. Cadwallader reveals that there is often an emotional component to eating when it comes to newborns, who often turn to the bottle or breast for comfort when they experience stress, anger, or loneliness. "Some newborns want to feed simply because they are awake and bored. It's not a good pattern for them to fall into."

Next for Nadia was the focus on physical activity. Kincaid, a former obese infant and host of Survivor: Baby Fat Camp, says that being unable to perform purposeful movements or to see for more than a few inches in front of their faces is not an excuse to be lazy and inactive. "If they won't move then you have to move them!" Kincaid is a proponent of core training techniques such as Infant Pilates but admits that sometimes it's okay to just "blast those baby biceps every now and then, especially with male infants who do appreciate a more chiseled physique."

With Nadia's dramatic weight loss comes a wide array of health benefits. In fact, pediatric endocriniatrist Mort Fishman, a graduate of Moulin a Diplomes Medical College, couldn't be more pleased with her progress. "Morbidly obese infants face a number of health hurdles such as lipid plugged meridians, stagnant chi, angry liver, and phlegmatism. Nadia has none of these."

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Infant Formula Companies to Unveil New Line of Diet Products.....

Princeton, NJ-Mead Johnson, Nestle, and Ross Pediatrics, the three largest manufacturers of infant formula, today announced their plans to work together on a series of public service announcements aimed at increasing public awareness of the existence and benefits of breast milk alternatives.

Two-time international micro bantum division gold medalist Tux McSpeedo, shown here with humorous intention, is wearing a red singlet 
"There are many well established benefits to formula feeding," Enfamil representative Brooke Mayweather explains. "Formula is scientifically designed to provide infants with all the nutrition that they might need, and is a much better fit for the active lifestyle of today's on-the-go babies who don't necessarily appreciate being forced to rely on a caregiver for meals."

The planned announcements, which will air during the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship game on April 6th, will show a series of images of young infants engaged in a variety of activities such as tennis and water polo, non-athletic but equally involved undertakings like public speaking and city planning, as well as moments relaxing at the beach with their baby friends. The slogan, "For Fitness or Fun, Think Formula!", has been chosen to accompany these images. Jennifer Lopez has signed on as a celebrity spokesperson.

Mayweather further revealed that "Formula companies are first and foremost interested in promoting ways to help newborns and older infants live active and healthy lives. We are very concerned about the growing threat of infant obesity." This dedication to infant health has led to the formula companies' involvement with promoting infant exercise programs in an effort to stem the tide of this very serious problem. "Our studies show that this generation of babies will be the first to need size 5 diapers earlier than the one before it. We really have an opportunity to do something about this but people have to buy more formula."

The companies are planning to use these public service announcements as a platform for not only promoting awareness of the benefits of formula but also the unveiling their new lines of diet baby formulas. These new light formula products will have half the calories of conventional formula and will also be available in low-fat as well as a Atkins, Zone, South Beach, and Hollywood Miracle Diet varieties.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Experts Warn Parents of Dangers of Secondhand Gluten Exposure.....

Kenmore, WA- According to new research performed at Bastyr University and published in Online Publishing Module 415 - Fun Food Facts for Kids, passive exposure to airborne glutens in the home is linked to the early onset of a growing number of health problems. Some experts are now saying that there is no "safe" level of exposure to secondhand glutens.
"Some experts are now saying that there is no "safe" level of exposure to secondhand glutens."
 "We have long known that ingested gluten was a risk factor for a variety of complaints but only suspected that it may put others in the immediate area at risk," lead author and Naturopathic Doctor Lola Spring explained. "Our study has quite convincingly shown a link between exposure to airborne glutens and joint pain, skin problems, asthma, fatigue and mental fogginess."

As with secondhand smoke, children are especially vulnerable to toxic effects because they are often confined in enclosed spaces and unable to escape and notify authorities. The study followed more than 2,000 children aged 3 to 18 for a period of one year. During this time researchers measured the amount of gluten in the home using an infrared glutenometer while periodically performing specialized naturopathic diagnostic testing on study subjects for only $59.99. They found that children living in a home where both parents consume gluten on a regular basis were more likely to have problems and require the $99.99 Deluxe Treatment Package or DTP. Isn't the health of your damaged child worth at least forty dollars?
"Isn't the health of your damaged child worth at least forty dollars?"
The researchers were careful to avoid any confounding variables that might have otherwise explained the children's symptoms, such as whether they ate gluten themselves or were just assholes. According to Spring, all of the study participants were locked in a secure hutch for the duration of the study. "Each hutch was constructed of solid oak and had a one foot clearance off of the ground in order to avoid unintentional grounding which may have masked the ill effects of airborne glutens. And each hutch had a wire mesh view port through which ventilation and feeding could occur. I personally oversaw their construction. These were quality hutches!" Post-study interviews 6-months later revealed that the children continued to use their hutches when scared and desiring a safe haven to self-stimulate.
"I personally oversaw their construction. These were quality hutches!"
One of the medical grade hutches used by researchers in the groundbreaking study on secondhand glutens.
While experts like Dr. Spring are calling for the protection of children from secondhand glutens, and for parents who consume gluten to stop being so selfish, some are asking that caregivers and politicians avoid rushing to any conclusions based on the study.

"This is simply one study," Greg Stinson, the director of Gluten for America, a gluten-based Washington D.C. Think Tank explains. "These problems could be caused by a number of other factors. It's an extremely complicated issue that can't be reduced down to unproven scaremongering soundbites like gluten is an evil toxin that I'm paid to promote by a multi-national industry of food manufacturers ultimately controlled by a secret cabal pulling the strings from the shadows."
"...gluten is an evil toxin that I'm paid to promote by a multi-national industry of food manufacturers ultimately controlled by a secret cabal pulling the strings from the shadows."
Ultimately the issue of secondhand gluten comes down to a parents right to make choices about the health of their children. New York City lawmakers are already considering regulations on gluten ingestion in the workplace. Are laws that restrict a parents right to eat pasta in their own home next? Probably. I don't know. I just don't know.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

New Research on Wine Tasting Stumps Skeptics, Proves Psychic Intuition.....

Portland, OR- A new study out of the Institute for Paranormal Gustatory Experience, a Portland based organization that specializes in research on taste related psychic abilities, has revealed that some sensitive individuals can accurately predict the flavor profile of a wine prior to drinking it.

Study Subject 11B "Dale Southerland", shown here confirming the trace of burnt marshmallow and beaver anal gland secretion revealed by his psychogustative intuition
"The accuracy was uncanny," paranormal taste researcher Dr. Devon Dinkleshire explained. "They predicted cherry overtones, notes of peach and apricot, even hints of gooseberry that were later confirmed by a panel of Master Sommeliers.

Published in Online Publishing Module 792 - Anomalous Phenomena, Wine and based on ten years of blinded wine tastings, the groundbreaking paper proves that some individuals demonstrate psychogustative intuition. According to Dinkleshire, psychogustative intuition is experienced by a small minority of the population. "This should silence the so-called debunkers and naysayers that blindly attack proof of psychic phenomena!"

Each study subject was allowed to list up to 20 flavors or descriptive terms to describe the wine that they were about to taste. They noted each wines acidity, angularity, density and intellectual satisfaction in addition to more pedestrian descriptors like "bitter" and "like vinegar mixed with Welch's grape juice. These lists were then compared to a similar list produced by the Master Sommeliers on loan from a nearby Romano's Macaroni Grill. A positive test was declared when the descriptions were deemed equivalent by Dr. Dinkleshire.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Rediscovered Bylaw Grants NPR Ombudsman Ultimate Authority Over Life and Death.....

Washington, D.C.- After the recent rediscovery of a long forgotten bylaw, found inscribed on a marble tablet stuck behind a broken vending machine in the basement of their world headquarters in Washington, the position of NPR Ombudsman has been granted ultimate authority over employee life and death.

Terry Gross, host and executive producer of Fresh Air, shown here just prior to being drawn and quartered for speaking a bit too slowly during an interview
"The task of the NPR Ombudsman has always been to serve as the public's representative," current Ombudsman Elizabeth Jensen explains. "Independence is crucial in responding to criticism and questions about transparency or ethics at NPR. Equally important, and I've said this from day one, is the ability to have transgressors put to death in the courtyard at noon on Tuesdays."

The NPR Ombudsman receives thousands of inquiries from listeners every year, and is charged with addressing public complaints about programming choices and comments made by on-air staff, like Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! host Peter Sagal, who was recently executed after a fan of the show was offended by a joke about Vladimir Putin and a water buffalo. According to NPR CEO Jarl Mohn, complaints are actually down nearly 15% since the reinstatement of capital punishment in January, and morale is at an all-time high. "I think it's pretty clear that total compliance with the Ombudsman is imperative in running a successful media organization. I for one thinks that she needs another raise. Help me."