Saturday, June 24, 2017

Solomon Grundy Calls for Classroom Fidget Spinner Ban....

Slaughter Swamp, NJ- Adding to the fidget spinner controversy that has parents, teachers, and pediatric mental health professionals choosing sides, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy announced today that the popular psychological stress relievers have no place in classrooms.


Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing the potential harm of fidget spinners in a classroom setting with a group of education experts who he would later dismember in a fit of blind rage

"It's true that fidget spinner use is generating some controversy and that parents are caught in the middle," child psychiatrist Mort Fishman explained. "But I truly believe that strategic classroom use of these devices can benefit certain students. And if some kids just think of them as fun toys, I just don't see what the big deal is. Frankly I'm more than a bit skeptical of claims made by an evil zombie that murdered Skyman and ate Red Tornado's arm that time he inhabited a human body."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while working on his PhD in educational psychology. He is calling for a complete ban of fidget spinners, listing several specific concerns. "Fidget spinners bad. Just toys. Make Solomon Grundy angry. Just stupid toys!"

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Area Fetus Uses Morse Code to Communicate with Alabama Republican Party Chair.....

Birmingham, AL- Republican lawmakers in Alabama have announced plans for new legislation that will put an end to abortion in the state, citing the miraculous story of Story Billings, an unborn fetus believed to be communicating with the outside world using a form of Morse code popular in the Eastern United States during the early 1840s.

A human Republican, shown here at 3-4  days post fertilization using a manual alphabet developed by Ponce de Leon in the mid-16th century to sign "Make Placenta Great Again!" 

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't felt it for myself," Alabama Republican Party Chair Terry Lathan explained. "But once I placed my hands on birthing unit 437-2B, formerly known as "Felicia", and experienced the unborn child's attempt to communicate her hopes and dreams to me, I knew in my heart that I just had to do something."

Though not the first time that a fetus has allegedly communicated with a republican, this is the first time that it has involved the use of an electrical coding system predating the development of modern International Morse Code. According to Lathan, she has encouraged scientific scrutiny of her experience. "I asked all the republican scientists I could find. Steve, Larry. Jim. Bill. The other Jim. And they all agreed."

Monday, June 19, 2017

Area Fundraiser Sends Tens of Blue Apron E-Gift Cards to Nigerian Villages.....

Brookline, MA- The Brookline chapter of the Ladies League Against Hunger (LLAH) has successfully raised enough money to send 20 Blue Apron E-Gift cards, each covering two-weeks delivery of a 2-person meal plan, to the rural Nigerian village cluster of Pampaida.

Agnes Anderson, shown here about to win her 2nd bingo of the night, must have worked something out with the caller because nobody is that lucky.

"The LLAH was founded in 1892 right here in Brookline," chapter President Barbara Tintwhistle explained. "We have never been afraid to tackle tough problems. And solving hunger in the four villages of Pampaida may be te toughest problem we've ever faced."

After researching ways to fight hunger on Agnes Anderson's grandson's computer, the LLAH purchased the electronic gift cards using funds raised during a town-wide door-to-door campaign and a charity bingo tournament held in March at Waldstein park. According to the Tintwhistle, this approach had the best chance of success. "At it's core, being poor is really just having a lack of options. With Blue Apron, the villagers can choose a delivery day convenient for them. We didn't want to interfere with any of their rituals or ceremonies, or anger any of their heathen gods. And Blue Apron also lets you customize your weekly menu based on dietary preferences. My nephew is allergic to walnuts."

Monday, June 12, 2017

Mean Baby Released into Parent Custody.....

Erie, PA-Erie native Sharonda Givens, who recently gave birth to an 8lb 7oz son via an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, alerted hospital staff that, based on the infant's crying during the initial attempt at breastfeeding, her baby was mean.
A mean baby, shown here with fist clenched in a blind rage, 
"That baby is mean!" Ms Givens explained. "He is mean. Why is he crying so much? Nobody is messing with him."

Child psychiatrist Mort Fishman MD, who was immediately consulted by the patient's pediatrician, expressed much concern after interviewing the baby and his mother. "Yes, in my professional opinion this baby is quite mean. At no point in my attempt to converse with him did he answer any of my questions. He was belligerent throughout the encounter, ceasing his crying only when being fed. This kind of narcissistic behavior is common in mean babies."

The baby, who will be discharged under continuous surveillance by local law enforcement, has been placed on a cocktail of benzodiazepines and anti-psychotic medications. He will also undergo weekly psychiatric evaluations until his attitude improves.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Area 6th Grader Confesses to 1993 Double Homicide During a Game of Truth or Dare.....

Tonganoxie, KS- Law enforcement officials have announced a break in the 24-year-old unsolved murder of Tonganoxie residents Randal and Emersbee Miller, and a local 6th grade student at Tonganoxie Middle School has been taken into custody after confessing to the crime during an intense game of truth or dare.

Teenagers playing the classic game of "Spin the Blunt Object I Used to Kill a Homeless Man" during a school field trip to the American Jazz Museum in Kansas City, MO
"As I watched the bottle spin, I think on some level I knew that my past was finally going to catch up to me," the suspect, whose name has not been released but everyone is pretty sure that it's that Jenkins boy what lives on South Park Drive near the hardwood and tile store, explained in a leaked statement. "I would have gotten away with it if I had just picked dare, but I was afraid they might make me touch Jenny Barber's boobs again."

This is not the first time that a seemingly innocent childhood game has provided clues to a longstanding cold case. According to Criminologist Jerry Dupont, author of 1001 Party Games and Murder Confessions, the types of games often played at birthday parties and sleepovers, are a perfect setup. "Police in Belvidere, NE once solved the "Never Have I Ever mutilations" when some kid at a church lock-in announced that he'd never sacrificed an infant to Satan and eaten a human kidney."

Monday, May 29, 2017

Experts Urge Caution After Area Child Dies from Essential Oil Deficiency.....

Brookline, MA- Local health experts are warning parents to ensure optimum wellness after area 7-year-old Odin Barnaby Jones died from complications of an essential oil deficiency.

An advanced practice doTERRA Wellness Advocate, shown here preparing a batch of lavender and bat wing

"I can't believe he's gone," Brookline parent Trendy Bacon explained. "Our kids were playing together at Waldstein park just last week. He seemed fine, but maybe a little tired. Like maybe his body was dealing with a lot of stress and negativity. He definitely didn't have his natural radiance."

Dr. Mort Fishman, a Registered Naturopathic Diplomate at Conscious Body Natural Medicine and a Level 8 Grand Mage/Wellness Advocate for doTERRA, is warning parents that wellness is about much more than regular daily exercise and a healthy diet. According to Fishman, the power of essential oils exists at the intersection of cutting-edge science and ancient wisdom. "These oils can't be synthesized by the human body regardless of how clean their diet is or how many detox sessions they book with me at only $99 per enema."

Essential oils, which must be carefully milked from exotic plants, like bergamot and basil, while they sleep under a full moon, exert powerful and specific science effects on the human system. Although the exact mechanism is unclear, science people at top buildings believe that the essential oils gain access to the brain and core glands via blood and nerve attachments. The brain and glands are believed to control our bodies' emotions, nervous systems, and immunological processes.

Daily applications of a variety of essential oils is key to promoting wellness. What this means, according to Fishman, is that deficiencies in essential oils can result in a variety of serious ailments, like infantile equine colic and quantum fall apart. "Sadly, there are many children out there at risk whose parents don't care enough keep them alive."

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Post-Credits Scene Hints at Larger Damien Chazelle Cinematic Universe.....

Los Angeles, CA- Although the critically acclaimed 2016 film La La Land failed to take home the Oscar for best picture, it has successfully captured the imagination of fans around the world and launched a million internet theories on the meaning behind its cryptic post-credits scene.

Hollywood bad boy Miles Teller, shown here mildly amused by the sight of a blind homeless man tripping over the corpse of a large rodent, may be Earth's last hope

"Something like this could never have happened ten years ago," Damien Chazelle, the Academy Award winning writer and director of La La Land, explained. "Marvel Studios, and to a lesser extent DC Films, has really paved the way for smaller, more intimate cinematic universes that focus on personal relationships rather than fending off threats to humanity from beyond our galaxy, not that I'm ruling that out in the future."

The film's 90-second post-credits scene takes place in the back room of Seb's, a nightclub opened by Ryan Gosling's down on his luck Sebastian Wilder. A lone trumpet rests on a table, bell end down. We see a man, visible only from the chest down, walk up to the trumpet and lift it slowly and thoughtfully to his face, revealing that it is none other than Guy from Guy and Madeline, Chazelle's 2009 debut film. After playing a brief but melancholy tune, Guy turns to Sebastian, now seen leaning against a nearby wall with a concerned look on his face, and says "They're back Seb. It's time to call in Andrew." After a fade to black, "To be continued..." appears in fiery letters.

Countless theories have emerged to explain the post-credits scene. While there is little doubt that it is setting up a sequel, it is unclear just how Sebastian, Guy, and Andrew, which many are assuming to be genius percussionist Andrew Neiman from Whiplash, know each other. And who is back? One exciting theory involves the alien invaders from 10 Cloverfield Lane, which Chazelle co-wrote. Move over Avengers!

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Study Reveals New Stage of Development in Elderly.....

Cambridge, MA- A new trend is emerging, and for once it doesn't involve millennial date-sharing apps or the Kardashian's new line of cosmetic cervical caps. A recent study from AARP, Inc. has revealed that an increasing number of older Americans are taking part in a previously unheard of stage of development that experts are calling Elderly-onset transchronia (EOT). Social media, as is often the case, has boiled this complex concept down into its more meme friendly essence: "infanting".

A 72-year-old retired accountant demonstrating Stage 3 adult-onset transchronia

"This is a previously unheard of stage of development," developmental geriatrician Mort Fishman, MD explained. "For every adulting 22-year-old graduate student learning to do laundry for the first time or how to get a passport, I'm seeing a retired neurosurgeon sucking their thumb and putting on their first diaper in decades."

Elderly-onset transchronia, like the midlife crisis in younger adults, involves a transition of identity, likely in response to stressful life events or perhaps a growing awareness of their own mortality. The midlife crisis often presents as depression, anxiety, or an intense desire to make lifestyle changes in an attempt to recapture lost youth, but it can be benign and it tends to resolve. EOT, however, results in an increasingly focused obsession with living life as an infant that persists until death.

Transchronia in the elderly appears to go through several stages of increasingly infantile behavior. According to Fishman, the first stage is often very subtle, with the development of stranger anxiety or an infatuation with a set of jingling house keys. "By stage 3, bowel and bladder control has been lost and a diaper is required. At stage 7, object permanence is lost. At stage 9, driving may no longer be safe."

Friday, March 17, 2017

Area Middle School Student Council President Signs Executive Order to Investigate Cootie Shot Safety.....

Spearfish, SD- Spearfish Middle School student council president Chance Tater, keeping a promise made during a contentious campaign last Fall, has signed an executive order establishing a Cootie Shot Safety Commission.

President Tater, shown here wearing a dress shirt, tie, khaki cargo shorts and sandals with socks to prom.

"I have had concerns regarding the safety of the cootie shot for years," Tater, an 8th grade student who loves playing basketball and hopes to see a girls boob at camp over the Summer, explained during 3rd period Social Studies. "I had two friends who totally changed after getting a booster at recess during 6th grade orientation. I couldn't hang out with them anymore. And one of them had a pool at their house!"

Tater further announced during an emergency recess press conference held in the cafeteria today that he would be putting school food service assistant Carl, a 62-year-old lifelong Spearfish resident and three-time alien abductee, in charge of the commission. Carl, who has questioned the need for a cootie shot in past, offered an award to any student who could prove beyond even the slightest doubt that the cootie shot is completely safe. "If they can do it, I'll let them into the cafeteria storage room for fifteen minutes, alone, and no questions asked."

Not everyone at Spearfish Middle is pleased with the president's agenda. Principle Don Lyon, a firm believer in the safety, efficacy, and need for the cootie shot, remembers a time when cooties was rampant among the student population. "I normally wouldn't interfere with student politics. They need to learn. But this is the same guy who accused the guidance counselor of leaking his transcript to the Spearfish Student Gazette. Let's just say that President Tater should get used to being in the 8th grade."

Friday, January 6, 2017

Five More Dead in Latest Puppy Fever Outbreak.....

Belvidere, NE- Health officials are warning Belvidere residents to avoid pet stores, dog parks, and even dog friendly businesses as the number of deaths related to puppy fever has increased by five to over ninety people since the first case was reported in early December.

Area puppy Chester Ruffington III, shown wrapped in a light blue baby blanket and gloating over the death of his latest victim, may be the worst serial killer in Thayer county history.
"This is the worst public health disaster in Thayer county in decades," Thayer County Health Officer Mort Fishman, MD explained. "I've seen the bodies, many of which are children. Dead children whose little hearts were full of love for these God damned puppies. Love and clotted blood. It's the clotted blood that actually killed them, but the love was there."

Despite the casualties, twelve of which occurred during a therapy dog visit to the Shady Acres Home for Wayward Tots and Teens (formerly Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Youth), Belvidere mayor Spooner Jenkins has asked that residents remain calm. According to Mayor Jenkins, the town has faced hardship in the past and persevered. "I certainly don't want to downplay the deaths of so many of our beloved townspeople, but this is why you aren't supposed to feed them after midnight. Or was that the gremlins. I can't keep up."