Saturday, July 19, 2014

Alternative Medical Adverse Events on the Rise, New Study Claims.....

Bethesda, MD- A new report out of the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) is calling into question the safety of Reiki, a technique which was developed in Japan in the early 20th century as a way to manipulate innate human energy fields in order to improve health.

The report, which will be published in the upcoming issue of The Vitamin Shoppe's Amazing Wellness magazine, reveals that the number of Reiki related deaths have increased by almost a quartile since the last assessment in 2007. Lead author Lance Unglesby, a Level IIB practitioner of Therapeutic Touch, estimates that as many as three to four thousand people and animals are injured each year at the hands of incompetent Reiki practitioners.

Mittensby J. Ticklepaws III, shown here mere seconds before suffering catastrophic cardiopulmonary failure during a botched Reiki session

"Many of these deaths occur in July, when new Reiki trainees are starting programs all over the country," Unglesby explains. "People go to a healer expecting to be healed. This is a crisis and something needs to be done about it."

Featured in the report is 10-year-old Timmy C., a boy whose life was tragically cut short when he was brought to a Reiki training facility for help managing his ADHD, which had been diagnosed earlier that week by the lady who cuts his hair. Timmy's mother describes in chilling detail how things turned from miracle to mayhem.

"We had a coupon for a free session and I figured it couldn't hurt, and at first it seemed to be working. The student meditated and then placed his hands over Timmy's body. It was like a light came on in his eyes and I could just tell that his ability to focus was returning. But something went wrong. I heard the Reiki student muttering something about how this shouldn't be happening. He called for help and two Master Teachers rushed in but it was too late."
Only after a full alternative medical autopsy was performed did an explanation for Timmy's death emerge. Parish Coroner Frank Grimes DC, who performed the examination in the basement of his clinic, found a number of vertebral subluxations and a touch of adrenal fatigue, but the true cause of death only became apparent when he hooked Timmy up to an Electro Interstitial Scanning (EIS) system and found a complete absence of resonance. "If you had asked me what killed him before the exam, I would have absolutely said it had to be Acute Severe Subluxation Syndrome, because that is the cause of 99% of non-traumatic deaths. But Timmy was one of those one in a million cases."

What Dr. Grimes DC discovered allowed him to piece together Timmy's final moments. During Reiki therapy sessions, a practitioner sends his own healthy energy into the patient in order to correct imbalances. Unfortunately, the normal flow of energy reversed during Timmy's session. While a well recognized complication, and one that countermeasures have been developed for, such as counting backwards from ten or crossing the big and second toe of the dominant foot, the unskilled student working on Timmy was unaware of these techniques because he not started chapter 4 ("Management of Energy Flow Reversal and Energy Stream Crossing Emergencies") in his Clinical Reiki textbook.

Devoid of any human energy, his body became riddled with dis-ease and he died, right there in his mother's arms. Sadly, had Timmy's mother been trained in Emergency Energy Replacement (EER) she might have been able to save him. An investigation by local authorities revealed that the Reiki training facility did not meet safety code, as it did not have a functional automated energy delivery device (AEDD) on site.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Health Blogger Calls for Diet Cola Warning Labels.....

Belvidere, NE- Mitch Rangler, the controversial advocateur, blogger and founder of The Health Patrol is calling for the placement of warning labels on diet colas containing what he claims are dangerous ingredients.

Controversial health blogger Mitch Rangler, shown here upset about immigrants or the cost of something these days.

"There is more than enough research to support the link between diet cola and a variety of health problems, like cancer, heart disease and obesity," Rangler revealed. "This stuff literally rots your brain from the inside out."

Potential graphical depiction of diet cola consumption side effects for use on proposed warning labels

The warning label would, according to Ranger and The Health Patrol, give consumers more autonomy when choosing which beverages are appropriate for consumption. It has the backing of both the Council of Supreme Nutritionology and the Enclave of Reform Nutrtitionologists. The specific wording was developed by a team of renowned and fully apprenticed Nutritionologists from around the world, but mostly hard to pronounce European cities like Mõisaküla and Cork:

"Warning: Drinking the concentrated evil within will rob you of your health and almost certainly be counted against you when the day of final judgement arrives."

Although Rangler is content with this label, he worries that it may not be enough. "We are talking about a public health tsunami that will claim more lives than actual tsunamis. And not everyone in America reads." Rangler is working on a series of graphical depictions of the harms of diet cola consumption for possible future inclusion on diet cola warning labels.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Area Woman's Birth Plan Revolutionizes Hospital Childbirth.....

Newton, MA- When expectant mother Sincy Bastion arrived at Newton-Wellesley hospital with a birth plan she had developed with her husband and Doula, hospital staff were understandably reluctant to allow an untrained lay person to dictate management of a delivery. But after reading the plan, the nurses and physicians involved in Bastion's care realized that this was no ordinary patient request. In fact, what they discovered would revolutionize hospital childbirth and forever change the course of human history.

Hospital birthing ward shown here having already incorporated the birthing hammock into standard delivery policy as dictated in The Plan

"Reading that birth plan was a career, no, a life altering experience," Obstetrician Mort Fishman explained. "It's very humbling when you realize that you've been wrong as a physician. But I can admit when I'm wrong, and I'll never approach the delivery of a non-aborted human fetus in the same way again!"

Bastion's birth plan, which has been laminated and tacked onto a wall in the nurse break room so that future generations of medical professionals can learn from its teachings, details a comprehensive and natural approach to the birthing process. Experts are predicting that long after the demise of our current civilization, probably at the hand of sentient robots or a mutated squirrel virus, The Plan, as it will come to be known, will serve as a source of both technical instruction for future childbirth and as a blueprint for post apocalyptic religious belief.

The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) has already set in motion plans to disband as an organization out of shame. While practicing obstetricians will not yet be required by law to abide by The Plan's birth preferences, it is estimated that roughly 80% will alter their practices in response. Many hospitals around the country are already implementing new birthing policies and procedures, and High Priests and Priestesses of the Church of the Natural Birth, like Dr. Fishman, are going out into the community to share The Plan's pacifier-free vision of peace, harmony and labor hammocks.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Vitamins Contain Dangerous Metals and Acids.....


with Mitch Rangler

I'm fed up with corporations treating American citizens like ATM machines. Whether it's Monsanto putting fish parts in my tapioca pudding or scientists growing human organs inside of abortions, regular folks like me and former In Syncope bad boy Lance Bass* are forced to live out our lives afraid of the food we put in our bodies. And if the harmful chemicals aren't coming from right here in the United States, products imported from other countries fill in the gaps, making every meal a high stakes game of Russian Backgammon.

The latest example comes from the billion dollar vitamin and supplement industry. It's terrifying to think that the products people turn to for immune boosting and liver detoxification are often full of dangerous metals and acids. I've found that there are measurable levels ascorbic acid, folic acid and even pantothenic acid in many vitamin and supplement products. In addition to these hard to pronounce acids, a number of products also contain metals like iron, copper, zinc and nickel. We aren't robots! And they put it right on the label for all to see because they think that they are untouchable. I've got some news for them!

What is so bad about acid in your vitamin or supplement? Acids have corrosive properties and are often used for industrial processes such as removing rust from metal. That's probably why they are included in the vitamins, so that they don't rust from all of the metal in them. Acids are also a major component of batteries. Would you eat a battery?

Some acids are used to make nonorganic fertilizers or even as an ingredient in soft drinks, which are a known contributor to diabetes and infantile dyspepsia. When an acid is mixed with alcohol, it makes an ester, one of which is nitroglycerin. That's right, vitamins and supplements are essentially time bombs waiting to explode!

I don't know why the vitamin and supplement industry purposefully wants to harm us by putting such dangerous chemicals in their products. But I'm not surprised because this is what happens when profits are a motivating force. It's probably cheaper to just fill a capsule with metals and acid instead of healthy foods like tapioca and purple hull peas. 

But we don't have to be helpless. We can fight back and WE CAN WIN! How? Sign my online petition today and let your voice be heard. Congress and the Supreme Court can't ignore the people who vote for them! Sign up for my newsletter, which I will send as soon as the mimeograph machine in our basement is fixed. Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope to my P.O. Box along with five dollars and a DNA sample.

*Lance Brass is in the final stages of agreeing to meet with me about becoming the official spokesperson for The Health Patrol with Mitch Ranger.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

New Study Proves Sports Defeats Directly Related to Loss of Momentum.....

Bristol, CT- The results of a comprehensive study of the effect of momentum in sports competitions appear to confirm the popular belief that momentorrhagia, the excessive loss of momentum, is useful in predicting a negative outcome for a specific team or individual.

Professional baseball player demonstrating a .3mcg/dl drop in momentum

"We've suspected that relative momentum levels are a major determinant in wins and losses for decades," Sports scientist Lamarcus Brand explained. "But we also used to think that the ratio of games worn to consecutive victories predicted how lucky a pair of socks are. This is why we do the study."

The study, which employed a retrospective analysis of momentum levels in competing teams and individual participants in nearly 200 sporting events, looked specifically at the role of momentum loss in both performance and outcome. They found that teams suffering momentorrhagia during a competition lost without exception and that poor individual performance was a near ubiquitous result. According to Brand, who also provides color commentary for PBA events on ESPN 2, the study should serve as a template for scientific examination of sports anecdotes in the future. "We took a Bayesian approach, reevaluating momentum levels in light of the outcome. It's a more complicated way of interpreting the data, but ultimately much more satisfying."

Friday, June 20, 2014

Elizabeth Berkley to Play Self in Upcoming Saved By the Bell Movie.....

New York City, New York- Excitement for the "Saved by the Bell" television movie event, which is set to air on the Lifetime network September 1st, increased marginally when it was announced today that former cast member Elizabeth Berkley will be reprising her role as know-it-all social activist and one time caffeine pill addict Jessie Spano.

Elizabeth Berkley, shown here reenacting the infamous pool sex scene with Mr. Belding in "Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style"

"We were more than a little surprised when she approached us about the role," casting director Robin Lippin explained. "I asked if she understood what kind of project this was, that it wasn't a reunion movie and it would be exposing what happened behind the scenes of Saved by the Bell, and she didn't hesitate. It was a little sad watching her go through the audition process, but she really nailed the part."

Because of the grueling filming schedule, Berkley has been unable to comment on her decision to take part in the project. Her publicist, Blint Eversbee, held a brief press conference after the announcement. "Elizabeth would love to talk to you, she really would, but unfortunately there is just no time. There's never any time actually. She doesn't have time to study her lines...She'll never get into a bigger role. She'll let everyone down, is what she's worried about. She's so confused right now but so excited..and yet so scared."

Monday, June 16, 2014

Dead Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone Makes Contact from the Other Side.....

Dead Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here giving personal credit card information to a stranger over the phone

Shocking scientists and skeptics of the supernatural, world famous ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone has made a successful communication from beyond the grave.

"I'll be completely honest and just say that I never expected this day to come," renowned skeptic and debunker of paranormal claims Jim Randal explained. "But this is the real deal. It's safe to say that my entire career has been based on a belief that there is nothing after we die, and I was wrong."

Bloodstone first entered the spotlight in 1976 when she correctly predicted that a tornado would touch down somewhere in a state containing the letter S, M or A. She expanded her psychic communication empire over the years and even played an important role in the landmark 1993 Supreme Court ruling that allowed plants to testify in a court of law. Her true calling, however, was helping the ghosts of dead celebrities realize that it's never to late to find true love, which ultimately led to her development and hosting of the critically acclaimed E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker. In 2008, the show won an Emmy Award for Best Sofa or Love Seat in a Reality Program.

Bloodstone's communication from the land of the dead was discovered when a janitor at the SETI Institute accidentally bumped into the controls of one of the radio telescopes while vacuuming. Her message to the living consisted of a seemingly random assortment of words and phrases, often eerily similar to normal radio programming. In fact, in one segment Bloodstone revealed an uncanny ability to mimic a Dunkin' Donuts commercial. Biblical scholars and government codebreakers are currently hard at work attempting to uncover the hidden meaning of her words.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Atheist Children's Book Teaches Random and Meaningless Nature of Existence.....

New York, NY-A new children's book, Pickles the Atheist Pig's Pointless Day, which teaches atheist children about the meaningless nature of existence is set to hit store shelves in time for the holidays.

"Finally the atheist community will have a guidebook for revealing how random forces render all of our efforts ultimately futile," book author Jake Leblanc explained. "The ideal audience for this message of purposelessness is the young school-aged child, but the delightful illustrations will certainly please toddlers as they are gently introduced to the cosmic joke we call life."

Pickles the atheist pig, shown here frustrated by the inability of his subjective moral system to guide him when facing difficult ethical dilemmas
Book critics, like Clandine Jones of Kirkus Reviews, are praising the new book's mix of fantasy elements and realistic fiction. "When children read the tale of this darling young piglet, driven into a life without belief after losing his parents to the abattoir, I truly believe that they will be well on their way to losing the ability to appreciate beauty and wonder in the world," Jones revealed. "Which is all any decent atheist parent really wants for their children."

Based on the large number of pre-orders for the book, Leblanc is already working on a sequel. "I haven't ironed out all of the details yet, but I can tell you that in the second book Pickles will be a little older, much angrier, and will be plotting to destroy Christmas."

Thursday, June 12, 2014

God Puts Hold on Near-Death Experiences, Cites Slumping Celestial Economy.....

3 Financial Plaza, Heaven- Citing a recent downturn in the celestial economy, today God announced the closing of the Gates of Heaven to all potential near-death experiences (NDE) until further notice.

Marketing and Economics campus at the University of West Florida

"It's unfortunate that I've had to take such a drastic measure," the Supreme Being and Creator of the Universe explained. "Frankly I'm tired of all these freeloading day trippers. It used to be fun, letting them talk to whichever dead relative was available. Sometimes I'd even trot out their favorite childhood pet. But that was before Manna cost eleven bucks a pound. Please just stay away from the light if at all possible."

A number of measures have been discussed to reverse Heaven's economic woes, including placing a tax on participants in NDEs. God's only begotten son Jesus, who is also God and holds a degree in Marketing and Economics from the University of West Florida, thinks that charging a premium for higher level memberships is a logical next step. "Who says everybody should get their young body back in Heaven? Did you love a good scotch while you were alive? Well who says you have to stop? It could all be negotiable."

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Turn Key versus Renovation When Looking for the Perfect New Home.....

This entire bathroom needs to be gutted!

by Lance and Wendy Gundersnap
1st time homebuyers
Lakeland, FL

We entered the home buying process naively, assuming that real estate professionals could be trusted to find and show properties that met our specifications. Sadly, after days of searching with the assistance of a "certified Realtor" we now know how trusting people can be taken advantage of by unscrupulous agents who care more about making money than making dreams come true! Not one of the three houses we have looked at so far have had all of the items and features that we clearly spelled out as must haves during the initial visit with our "agent."

The most recent fiasco is a perfect example. We did not ask to be shown homes with a 2-car garage or an unsightly water oak in the back yard. Lance needs extra space for his tools and he is allergic to leaves. We did not ask for a kitchen with dated appliances, appliances which will have to be removed and replaced with stainless steel. We did not ask for a home lacking hardwood floors in all rooms. Carpets are dirty. Nor did we specifically request a master bedroom with a single walk-in closet. I could perhaps chalk this up as the mistake of an incompetent Realtor, but then she took us into the guest bathroom.

When I saw the upstairs guest bathroom, I could only assume that our agent was on a personal mission to ruin our lives. It is very unlikely that we will purchase this money pit of a house as the sound of cars were easily heard from the backyard deck and it was not located on a cul-de-sac, as was CLEARLY requested on the paperwork provided to the real estate company by Lance's father, Attorney Steve Gundersnap. But if we did, the upstairs guest bathroom would need to be completely gutted and redone before I would allow any of our friends to set one foot inside.

Lance requires a comfort height toilet because of his lower back issues. The toilet in question was regular height. The bathtub was an alcove rather than the expected free-standing. The tile, while functional, was too large and the sink was not a pedestal. Finally, the cabinet space was less than optimal. It was literally like we were on a hidden camera show. I literally thought that this had to be some kind of a practical joke.

My home was carried off by a tornado.

Sue Ellen Groves
3rd grade
Washington, IL

I miss my kitty and it's hard to fall asleep at night in the shelter.