Thursday, October 1, 2015

Proctor & Gamble Announces Swiffer Home Detox Kit.....

Cincinnati, OH- Proctor & Gamble, the multinational consumer goods company behind the popular Swiffer brand, has announced the addition of an easy to use home body cleansing kit to the line of cleaning products.
Customer Lurninda Conrad was unable to turn 90 degrees prior to cleansing her innards with the Swiffer Bissel Steamboost enema attachment.
"We've spent the past one hundred and seventy seven years focused on producing the best cleaning and personal care products on the market," Proctor & Gamble Chairman, President, and CEO Alan George Lafley explained. "And with our new Bissel Steamboost enema attachment and full body detox pads, Swiffer will truly give cleaning a whole new meaning!"

Just like your kitchen floor can become caked with grime and mud, your colon can hold up to fifteen pounds of undigested waste according to the expert that returned my calls, like Doctor of Household Naturopathy Mort Fishman. "We live in a toxic world full of scary chemicals and even scarier foods, like genetically modified electromagnetic gluten. Now my patients don't need to live in fear of leaving their house without wearing one of my specially designed hats."

Saturday, September 26, 2015

More Parents Turning to Alternative Potty Training Methods.....

Jacksonville, FL-Despite decades of scientific advancements in our understanding of human waste elimination across the lifespan, and in the most efficient and developmentally appropriate means of teaching young children to use the toilet, a growing number of parents are turning to more natural alternative methods of potty training.
A human child, forced to suffer through the indignity of a conventional symptom-based potty training method, shown here developing learned helplessness and probably PTSD
"It's easy to assume that a child requires a restrictive and regimented training method because they are small and uncoordinated, or that they have a limited capability to communicate," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at Jacksonville's Freecheeks Potty Training Center, explained. "And that's exactly what those ivory tower eggheads from Big Potty want you to believe. But today's savvy parent is wisely considering his or her options before simply going along with a conventional method that may not approach the process holistically."

Pennock admits that the Freecheeks method, with its focus on the root cause of persistent infantile incontinence rather than simply the end result, isn't for every family. But she believes that it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their young children have to say about their own personal elimination functions. And according to her, the process couldn't be simpler as long as you do it exactly as recommended without exception. "You'll need a garden hose and enough newspaper to cover the floors of your house. But what you won't need is any more diapers!"

Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterology expert and parent of five human children, isn't sold on what he considers unproven toilet training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not."

Friday, September 11, 2015

Leading Naturopathic University First to Offer Degree in Integrative Anatomy.....

Kenmore, WA- Adding to their already considerable educational offerings, such as acupuncture and psychic optometry, this Fall Bastyr University will be the first to offer a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy.

Bastyr Integrative Anatomy students won't be limited by Western scientific dogma
"We saw a long overdue opportunity to advance our understanding of human anatomy," recently appointed president Dr. Charles "Mac" Powell explained. "It just makes sense to update this stagnant area of study with the principles and practices of naturopathy. Who's to say that there are just two kidneys, or only one spleen? Has anyone looked for other organs?"

Obtaining a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy will require successful payment for a comprehensive, four-year program that combines the most rigorous aspects of intuitive awareness with a pile of old x-rays somebody found in the basement over the Summer. The first two years will cover basic anatomy from the perspective of various homunculi used by 16th century alchemists. At the end of the first two years, each student will perform an interpretive dance that takes faculty members on a journey of discovery to find their spirit organ.

With an intimate awareness of the human body gained, the remaining two years will be spent in Bastyr's cutting edge research facility. Their anatomical investigation will incorporate the senses of vision, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. A possible sixth sense, to be determined by course elder Mort Fishman based upon the results of a quantum vibrational analysis and saliva hormone levels, may be added in the future. Fishman will serve as a guide for the duration of each student's educational narrative. "There is nothing more rewarding than seeing that look of recognition and understanding on a student's face when they locate their first meridian."

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Florida Legislature Passes Updated Guidelines on Community Acquired Pneumonia.....

Tallahassee, FL- After several weeks of intense debate among the 160 Florida state legislators during an emergency late Summer session at the capital, both the Senate and House of Representatives have agreed on recommendations for the diagnosis and management of community-acquired pneumonia in children. The "Lower Respiratory Infection/MANPADS Act" is expected to be signed by Governor Rick Scott later this week.

Governor Scott, shown here trying to break his favorite Husky bill signing pencil during a tantrum. Experts believe that the pencil is made from Kenyan red cedar with a manticore tail core.
"This is something that Florida pediatricians have been waiting for," Tallahassee physician Mort Fishman explained. "Sure, the Infectious Disease Society of America and American Academy of Pediatrics have given us some guidance in the past, but since our state government officially took over direct patient care directives earlier this year we've been stumbling around in the dark. It isn't perfect, but this is Florida."

The law, which specifies when radiographic imaging is appropriate and lists first and second line antibiotics for use when a bacterial cause is suspected, also requires that pediatricians refrain from asking parents about the presence of man-portable air defense systems (MANPADS) in the home. Representative Larry Ahern, co-sponsor of the bill, had expressed concern regarding potential invasion of parental privacy that plays no role in the health of the child in the past. "Shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles are frankly of no concern to a healthcare provider and any physician accused of violating this law will be brought before the Florida Board of Medicine for disciplinary action."

Friday, August 21, 2015

Leaked Dolly Madison Data Shocks Health and Fitness Community.....

Columbus, OH- Having infiltrated the computer files of Dolly Madison, a U.S. bakery famous for its Zingers brand snack cakes that closed in 2012, hackers have released identifying personal information belonging to millions of former customers. A group or individual known as Gluten Anonymous has claimed responsibility for the leak.

Former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown, shown here suffering the first of several diabetes related heart attacks
While a leak of information revealing the buying habits of bakery customers seems fairly benign at first glance, there is a dark side to this story. Numerous health and fitness gurus, like the Food Baby Frank Hunt and fully apprenticed Nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, have been implicated. Even Hollywood celebrities known for speaking out against processed sugars and gluten, like former actress turned health activist Gwyneth Paltrow and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, have placed large orders for snack cakes and fruit pies.

"Cheating is like the secret glue that keeps millions of consumers attached to their diets," culinary psychologist Dr. Mort Fishman CPsyD explained. "I would cheat before I would quit my diet altogether. But these are high profile customers with a public image based on a certain lifestyle not in keeping with having a crate of Donut Gems delivered to their mansion."

Probably the most shocking finding has been former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown's continued purchasing of the bakery's products as late as 2011. Brown, an outspoken critic of processed foods and added sugar since developing adult-onset juvenile diabetes at the age of 33, parted ways with the company in the early 1980's. The broken contract led to a lengthy court battle, which served as the inspiration for the 1992 movie classic A Few Good Men. Despite this, he went on to purchase thousand of boxes of Cherry Pies and Danish Rollers after the split.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Chiropractic Particle Physicists Uncover Subatomic Building Block of the Subluxation.....

Geneva, Switzerland- One of the great mysteries of chiropractic science, the true underlying nature of the spinal subluxation, may have finally been solved by a team of top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva. Details of the discovery of the subatomic building block of the subluxation, which is being referred to as a subluxon, were published this week in Online Publishing Module #17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes.

Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here in a teal colored hard hat with arms folded and a serious look on his face.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't feel it with my own two hands during the applied kinesiology experiments at CERN," Chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "When we were finally able to book time with the Large Hadron Collider, I knew something big was about to happen."

According to Grimes, chiropractors have known for more than a century that the subluxation existed but have been forced to use cumbersome placeholders when reporting the findings of their examinations to patients. Lacking an understanding of it's true nature, they did the best they could. "We knew that spinal nerves weren't actually being pinched and that the subluxation wasn't really a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes, but we still needed patients to understand how serious the situation was."

Chiropractors can now add an accurate understanding of what a subluxation is to the profession's established mastery of the numerous potential negative health effects caused by them. And, as Grimes explains in an ad for his Belvidere, Nebraska clinic, a focus on prevention by detecting subluxons before they cause a symptomatic subluxation is the next step. "Come on down for our back to school event! I'll check the whole family's subluxon levels for just $59 and knock 10% off our Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!" 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Area Couple Frustrated by Infant's Lack of Internet Connectivity.....

Belvidere, NE- When Myrtle and Angus Rose welcomed their first child into the world, they scanned every inch of their nearly twelve pound baby for any imperfections using an app on their smartphone. And like most parents they were pleased to find a vigorous and plump baby with ten fingers, ten toes, and a normal sized penis perfect for incorporating into a birth announcement for their friends on Instagram. But joy quickly turned to confusion and frustration when they were unable to locate their newborn son's USB port.

Increasing numbers of perfectly acceptable but non-internet compatible newborns are being put up for adoption by late generation millennials 
"I don't mean to sound disappointed or ungrateful," Mr. Rose explained while filming a video selfie and then posting it to Vine. "I just don't know how I'm even going to interact with him. There's no Bluetooth, no FaceTime, no Twitter handle. There's no access at all, just regular holes and some kind of intermittent high pitched emission from what I think is its heat sink."

The Roses aren't the only late generation millennials struggling to communicate as they begin to have children. Having grown up with total immersion in post-internet life, many are having difficulty grasping that their newborn is another human being rather than a new peripheral for their smart phone. Many physicians, like pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, are being forced to adapt to parenting concerns that would have been unheard of just a few years ago. "They keep asking me what the WiFi password is and how to set up a WPAN."

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Portland Compounding Pharmacy Releases Line of Artisanal Parenteral Nutrition.....

Portland, OR- Peach & Barrow, a Portland based compounding pharmacy that opened in 2015, has recently begun marketing a line of small-batch artisanal intravenous nutrition products for use by high-end hospitals and home health companies catering to clients looking for a more traditional experience.

Jasper Online Name Generator Wilson, owner of Peach & Barrow pharmacy, shown here delivering a batch of IV total parenteral nutrition to a local nursing home
"For years, the healthcare consumer has been forced to rely on parenteral nutrition made in an assembly line fashion without any respect for the process," Peach & Barrow owner Jasper Online Name Generator Wilson explained. "We locally source all of the constituents of our hand crafted products, from the trace elements to the lipids and amino acids. And all contain honey-based dextrose obtained from bees that worked with us voluntarily."

At Peach & Barrow, no two parenteral nutrition solutions are the same. The recipe, derived more through intuition than the use of any pharmacy textbook, depends on the season and what is currently popular. According to Wilson, each morning pharmacy employees scout out the local farmers' markets and scour social media sites like Twitter, Instagram, and some site called BabyTatz, where people tattoo their babies with pictures of what they just ate or inspirational David "Avocado" Wolfe quotes. "And each of our IV nutrition blends comes in a mason jar that was hand blown from rare sea glass."

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Newly Licensed Chiropractic Surgeons Turning to Cervical Spinal Fusion to Treat Text Neck.....

Chiropractic surgeons performing preventative cervical spinal fusion on a 15-year-old recurrent iPhone user
When the California state legislature approved licensure of the first ever certified chiropractic surgeons in May, skeptics were quick to question their competency. They also whined about the supposed lack of any need for their services to pretty much anybody who would listen. As usual, the men and women, mostly men, that run the government know what is best for the general public.

These pioneers in the field of chiropractic surgery, each of which completed a four-year chiropractic education while also watching all eleven seasons of Grey's Anatomy, are already making an impact. Their first order of business has been to focus on developing a cure for a nearly ubiquitous and potentially deadly condition: text neck. 

Although the exact weight of the human head is unclear, physicists from Europe believe it to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 pounds. As the neck flexes, the weight pulling down on the cervical spine increases exponentially, reaching upwards of 200 pounds at a 30 degree angle and nearly 3 tons at 60 degrees. Anyone daring to flex their neck greater than 60 degrees risks instant death as their head separates from the spinal column, rolling down a steep hill as they comically chase after it.
That's the price we pay for having 24-7 access to the internet and the ability to interact socially with our friends and family while following Justin Bieber inspired parody/porn accounts like @JustInBeaver. According to research published in Online Publishing Module #14, 517 - Implications of Smartphone technology on Spinal Health - Human, Chimpanzee, and Bonobo, long term stress on the cervical spine can result in a variety of health problems. In fact, many people who regularly use smartphone devices suffer neck and back pain, respiratory conditions, gastrointestinal problems, and heart disease. Some even die.

“It's either the worst epidemic that mankind has ever faced or it’s at least pretty common,” Mort Fishman MD, chief of spine health at The Spine Surgery and Rehabilitation Medicine Paradise Wellness Prevention Institute, explained. “All day long I notice people looking at their devices. I notice them!”
A young woman, shown here mere moments before experiencing Cephalospinal Separation Syndrome (CSS), is ordering toilet paper on Amazon Prime
Having trouble wrapping your head around just how heavy 60 pounds is? Try this thought experiment. First imagine a one pound bar of dark chocolate. Now imagine that you have 60 of them hanging from your neck for hours each day. Now imagine that they're actually made with white chocolate. Bet you didn't see that coming you racist son of a bitch.

Dr. Fishman, who is a board tolerated medical doctor with interest in both stuff and things related to the spine, believes that children are the future of text neck casualties. "Youth today are growing up with smartphones, and they're experiencing this problem from an early age. I'm concerned that unless we evolve eyes on stalks, we may soon see the first generation of children to have a shorter life span than their parents. Parent's need to focus more intently on the daily activities of their children. They need to more involved."
Frank Grimes CCS, chiropractic surgeon and president of the American Hyperbole Society's Things Outside Our Area of Expertise Section, revealed that the effect of text neck is similar to taking your eyelid and stretching it up and over your head and holding it there for sixty minutes to one hour.
A woman suffering from text neck, shown here using an external cervical fixation device
Grimes, who specializes in treating text neck, first began seeing patients with symptoms about six or seven years ago. "Prior to then it was rare to see people looking down for more than a few seconds. Like when they thought they saw a penny on the ground or were about to fall through an open manhole."

While experts like Grimes understand that it is nearly impossible to completely remove these technologies from our day to day lives, they stress that there are now surgical interventions that can prevent injury to the neck, brain, lungs, and heart. The procedure that they've brought to the table is surgical fusion of the cervical spine, which involves using metal or wooden screws to brace the vertebral column internally, holding it in the ideal position without the need for unsightly external fixation devices. "It's horrifically painful, mostly because legislation to license chiropractic anesthesiologists is still stuck in committee, but it is a permanent solution to the problem."

Friday, June 12, 2015

Chiropractic Scientists Concerned Over Spread of Adjustment Resistant Subluxations.....

Little Rock, AR-For over a century, Chiropractic physicians have been diagnosing and treating a deadly and mysterious condition. In fact, you might not even know you have it. This entity, the chiropractic subluxation, has been linked to virtually every disease process known to medical science yet it often is asymptomatic and undetectable using even modern scientific imaging techniques.

A seemingly healthy woman, shown here moments before suffering total collapse of the spine or Accordion syndrome, because of hidden chiropractic subluxations
Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explains, 
"That is what makes the subluxation such a threat to public health. Medical doctors call high blood pressure the silent killer but at least that condition, whatever it is, is rare. Studies have shown that every single person that visits a chiropractor is found to have a subluxation. That's pretty scary because a lot of people don't even see a chiropractor regularly. They see a dentist twice a year but ignore the recommendations of the World Chiropractic Alliance, International Chiropractors Association, and American Chiropractic Association on regular spine exams."
The exact definition of the spinal subluxation has changed somewhat over the years as chiropractic science has advanced. Vague notions of a spinal segment having to be demonstrably out of alignment and pinching a spinal nerve were discarded for the more specific Vertebral Subluxation Complex in order to aid researchers in their efforts to prove the effectiveness of chiropractic. This is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health. Dr. Grimes points out that "The process of coming up with a unified definition of the subluxation was very scientific, involving a show of hands and I believe someone had a calculator."
A replica of the calculator used in the determination of a standardized definition of the chiropractic subluxation
The difficulty in locating these spinal subluxations even with advanced medical imaging such at CT scans and MRI has, in large part thanks to chiropractic researchers over the years, been overcome by the development of a number of high-tech diagnostic modalities such as low-resolution electronic chiropractic thermography and supine leg length differential estimation. Some chiropractors with advanced training are even able to locate subluxations on x-rays of the spine that regular medical radiologists would miss.

But the most vital aspect of any chiropractic evaluation remains the hands on palpation required to diagnose more subtle subluxations. Grimes reveals, "This is where the art of chiropractic, as opposed to the science, comes into play. Sorting out those hard to find subluxations can be difficult but eventually you'll find one in pretty much everybody. It's a nice feeling to catch one early before any catastrophic nervous system damage or immune dysfunction has taken place."

Typically, subluxations can be easily treated with chiropractic adjustments, which consist of a series of highly skilled manipulations of your spine with varying degrees of force, or with certain instruments, and in a variety of locations depending on where the subluxation is found along the spine and what particular technique your chiropractor prefers. There are hundreds of different adjustment techniques, all of equivalent efficacy at treating subluxations and improving health. Patients tend to respond better to more frequent visits, some even requiring daily and weekly adjustments. Grimes adds, "Once the patient is out of danger, visits to maintain alignment and prevent subluxations are a must. You don't stop brushing your teeth once a cavity is filled!"

A young child, diagnosed with adjustment resistant subluxations by his chiropractor, shown here after being placed on the list for vertebral column transplant
Of growing concern to the chiropractic community is the increasing incidence of adjustment resistant subluxations, and the recent discovery of subluxations resistant even to advanced chiropractic treatments such as non-surgical spinal decompression systems and manipulation under anesthesia. Grimes explains, "If this trend continues, we may soon see a day where chiropractors are considered ineffective at . It's a good thing I also know how to do acupuncture."