Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Boston Marathon Participants Face Painful Transition Back to Utter Irrelevance.....

Boston, MA- On the day after the Boston marathon, the city normalizes as clutter is cleared from the streets and people return to the routine of their daily lives. Many participants, having just accomplished a once in a lifetime feat of mental and physical endurance to the cheers of thousands of supportive onlookers, will find the transition back to irrelevance difficult.

"I've never experienced anything like it," 35-year-old Atlanta native Steve Deuce explained. "The thought of going back to work, of returning to a normal life where people don't give a shit about who I am or what I do. It's tough."

Post marathon existential despair is common according to experts at the Brookline School of Psychoanalysis like Marten Mowad PhD, who says that there is a huge influx of marathon participants seeking help in the weeks after the event. "It isn't hard to imagine the internal struggle caused by a brief moment of exhilaration coupled with a fleeting sense that they are part of something bigger than themselves, that they matter. Most of these people will be forgotten by everyone other than perhaps a few close family members."

But is this even meaningful? Many find little comfort in the transient memories of loved ones locked in biodegradable lumps of grey and white matter. These family members who will eventually die, leaving nothing but perhaps a name to mark their grave. Even their gravestone will yield to the onslaught of rain and wind over time, and the last attachment of their decomposing shell to the Earth upon which it made no impact will likely be dug up to make room for yet another insignificant corpse.

2014 Boston Marathon Winners

  • Women’s: Rita Jeptoo of Kenya, 2:18:57. Her time is a course record.
  • Men’s: Meb Keflezighi of United States, 2:08:37. First American man to win since 1983.
  • Women’s Wheelchair: Tatyana McFadden of United States, 1:35:06.
  • Men’s Wheelchair: Ernst F. Van Dyk of South Africa, 1:20:36.


Monday, April 21, 2014

Functional MRI Technology May Revolutionize Dating Scene.....

La Jolla, CA- Despite an ever growing number and variety of online dating sites, many single men and women are finding it increasingly difficult to find meaningful and lasting relationships. There is significant demand for increased accuracy of matching service predictions of potential passion, and efficiency as couples progress from the premarital period to a pledge of permanent partnership. Advances in modern neuroimaging technology, such as functional MRI (fMRI) brain scanning, may soon help thousands to make a true love connection.

According to experts at the Scripps Dating Research Institute in La Jolla, the ability to unlock the brains hidden secrets plays a key role in finding a perfect match. "Recent surveys have revealed that the second most common death related fear in men, coming in just behind dying on the toilet, is dying alone," romance researcher Rex Remington revealed. "And women aren't immune, with 95% citing failure to find a suitable mate as their biggest fear." They believe that this fear may soon be a thing of the past.

35% of male toilet deaths occur on the job
Functional MRI technology measures the activity of the brain by measuring changes in blood flow. Areas that are more active receive more flow, allowing patterns of activation to be interpreted, and in the case of attempting to find true love, matched for compatibility. Scripps dating researchers asked subjects a variety of questions about their lifestyle, interests and feelings about a range of topics such as religion and child rearing preferences while undergoing fMRI scanning. Patterns of brain activation were put through their patented matchmaking algorithm and a match was found.

So far the results have been amazing. "Out of our first ten test pairings, we've had two marriages, a one night stand, and a nice long chat," Remington explained. "And only two of the pairings ended in a ritual murder suicide pact." Scripps plans on bringing the service to market this Summer under the name Intimate Connections.


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Facebook Expands Services Using Personal Genetic Information.....

Menlo Park, CA- In an effort to further personalize the experience for Facebook users, Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced a variety of new services incorporating personal genetic information.

"This is a huge leap forward in the use of social media to improve lives and to bring people together," Facebook Vice President of Econogenetics Mort Fishman, MD explained. "People can now use Facebook to discover their family history, diagnose rare diseases, find perfect matches for organ and bone marrow transplant and even settle questions of paternity. And the best part is that you don't even need to do anything to be included. You don't even need to be an active user. We already have the information!"

Facebook is aware that some people may be wary of what could be perceived as an invasion of privacy, and they have gone to great lengths to ensure that every active user feels in control of their personal genetic information. Using a daily "opt out" algorithm, users can easily restrict public access, making it available only to friends and the government for up to twelve hours. According to Dr. Fishman, active users have nothing to fear. "We've thought about this a lot, and there just doesn't seem to be any downside. Just accept that this is happening."

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Nation's Cosmetologists Baffled by Lunar Eclipse.....

Knoxville, TN- Baffled by the recent total lunar eclipse, during which the alignment of the full moon with the innermost portion of the Earth's shadow resulted in a reddish appearance or "blood moon", cosmetologists across the nation are scrambling to explain and learn from the phenomenon.

"What really concerns me is that this type of celestial event wasn't covered at all in any of my courses," cosmetologist Scoot Bandersmith explained during a press conference held in the highlights application simulator facility at the Tennessee School of Beauty. "I've spent the past 12 months of my life studying hairstyling, skin care, cosmetics, manicures, pedicures, and even electrology, with an additional 30 hours of online research in Seasonal Color Analysis, and I have never encountered this phenomenon."

As the dust slowly settles, theories are beginning to emerge that may answer the questions raised by the eclipse and perhaps advance our understanding of blemish concealment and the prevention of chipped nail polish. Bandersmith, a master stylist with an advanced degree in theoretical cosmetology, believes that it all boils down to gravity and water. "If we accept that gravitational forces emanating from the Sun have the ability to control the movements of the planets and their satellites millions of miles away, even playing a role in sea levels all over the world, then we must also accept that these forces might alter the adherence capacities of concealers and polishes. Now that we know these things happen, the next step is designing an experiment."

Monday, April 14, 2014

Zombies Eat More Than 10% of Brains, Study Shows.....

Baton Rouge, LA- Scientists working out of the Zombie Division of Louisiana State University’s Department of Neurosciences held a press conference today to announce that the results of their year-long study of zombie behavior refute the widely held belief that zombies only eat 10% of your brain.
“These results will come as a shock to the millions of humans that believe zombies only eat 10% of their victims’ brains,” Lead researcher and lumbering type zombie Greg Stinson explained while chained to a podium. “Even large percentages of zombies believe it. But this exhaustive examination reveals that we actually eat on average 30-40% of the delicious life-sustaining human neural tissue. We'll eat the whole thing if time allows."
Dr. Mort Fishman, a fast-running zombie neurologist practicing in the area, has questioned the 10% myth for years. He revealed from a containment pod in the Department of Neurosciences’ underground facility that the new study is a nice confirmation of his skeptical stance but that it is unlikely to change many of the superstitious beliefs about zombies so prevalent among humans. 
“Undead cranks and charlatans will likely continue to push zombie self-help books and brain games with unproven pseudoscientific claims of boosting a zombie’s brain eating potential. I've learned over my many years as a zombie neurologist that anecdotes are unfortunately often more persuasive than any scientific study. Also I've learned that brains are delicious and I would very much like to eat your brain.”
Not all of the study's findings were as straightforward, however. Dr. Stinson and his colleagues at LSU noticed an odd trend that has become the focus of their next research effort. "We zombies have an insatiable appetite for brains, right. But I look at a chiropractor and...nothing. Just nothing."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

More Parents Turning to Homeschooling.....

Lebanon, TN- The results of a recently published nationwide survey of parents reveal that the number of homeschooled American children is on the rise, with the most commonly cited reason being the desire to avoid curriculum components considered inappropriate based on religious beliefs.

"We couldn't in good conscience allow our daughter to be exposed to some of the items on that syllabus," explained James Birdwell, a citizen of Lebanon and father of a homeschooled child. "The Bible teaches us that the pathway to Heaven is paved with positive integers. No negative numbers and no fractions!"

Birdwell and his daughter Melizabeth are members of the Lebanon Church of Christ, Arithmetician, a relatively new denomination which focuses on the use of numbers in the Bible. In addition to fractions, believers refuse to accept other modern numerical concepts such as the number zero and the value of the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter being greater than 3. Undeterred by a near complete inability to function in society, Birdwell's belief didn't waver even after his first child died as the result of a medication dosing error.

Church elder Pim Travertine gave an example of church teachings:
"In 1 Kings 3:16-28, the wisdom of Solomon was revealed and the righteousness of the whole number made evident. For only the wicked and deceitful of the two women preferred that which was whole to be rent asunder! Men of God round to the nearest whole number so that are hearts may remain pure."
But modern mathematics is not the first controversial subject to be taught in public schools. Many religious believers, for example, have refused to accept the claims of Darwinian Evolutionists. Some have even protested the exposure of their children to the implications of gravitational and kinetic energy in school physical education programs, citing dodgeball as a tool of the devil himself.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Amish Cosmos Pushes the Limits of Whittling Technology.....

Lancaster, PA- Hoping to take advantage of the recent popularity of science based programming, such as the documentary series Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, which is an update of Carl Sagan's groundbreaking 1980 original, the Amish community in Lancaster has announced plans to produce a plain people friendly take on the origins of the universe.

"Let it not be said that the Amish are afraid of a challenge," Town Elder Amos Zook explained. "Our ways strictly prohibit the use of most technologies that might further connect us with the outside world or lead us into temptation. But as they say, big ships might only be launched where the water is deepest."

Amish Cosmos, which is the working title for the project, will showcase recent advances in whittling technology, significantly improving upon the last Amish produced educational program which consisted of Jedediah Stoltzfus sitting on an old rocking chair and telling his great-great-grandchildren about the passing of the seasons. In fact, many of the scenes will consist of the real time whittling of important events such as The Big Bang and that time Fannie Yoder got herself trapped in the outhouse.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Alternative Medical Researchers Nervous Over Prospect of Peak Homunculus.....

Bethesda, MD- Alternative medical researchers at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) in Bethesda have issued a press release raising concerns over the possibility of peak homunculus, and are calling for a paradigm shift in the approach to discovering new healing modalities.

"This is a big issue in the world of alternative medicine," NCCAM Director Josephine Briggs explained. "The low hanging fruit has been picked when it comes to homunculus based treatments like auricular acupuncture, reflexology and iridology. Frankly, we need some kind of a Sputnik moment if we are going to move forward."

Over the years, a variety of new homunculi have been proposed, such as the now infamous testicular acupuncture map, but these holistic approaches to health have failed to gain a foothold in the marketplace. In 2010, Professor John McLachlan shocked the alternative medical community when he was caught simply making one up. The so-called "butt homunculus" was quickly determined to be a hoax by experts, but not before some damage was done to the reputation of the field.

Actor David Boreanaz with hands in pockets 

But one maverick scientist thinks he may have a solution. Inspired by a freak injury suffered while replacing the engine in his personal vehicle, mechanic Grip Stephens has been working for the past ten years on what he is calling the full body or "Ultimate Homunculus". "What if the evidence of an injury or an illness involving a particular part of the body could just be found by examining it directly, or by testing body fluids or tissue for abnormal levels of something which that part of the body produces or metabolizes? I haven't worked all the details out yet."

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Study Shows American Diets Deficient in Fudge.....

Battle Creek, MI-The alarming findings of a 5-year study performed by scientists at the Kellogg Research Institute for Scientific Progress (KRISP) were released today revealing that a large percentage of Americans consume diets that are dangerously deficient in fudge.

"The data is pretty compelling," Chief researcher Ernie Keebler stated from his research facility housed in a magical hollowed out tree. "If something isn't done about this the children of today stand a good chance of being the first generation in modern times to not fully realize the smooth, creamy, delicious goodness of quality fudge."

A fudge distribution line in Swaziland
Based on the findings of the KRISP study, Congress is considering new laws to combat this growing threat. Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) explains "We are finding fudge levels in some regions that are typically only seen in third world countries. There are a lot of good ideas on the table, but the two front runners are fudge fortified cereals and water fudgidation."

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Brabara Bloodstone is Dead.....

World famous and now dead psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, seen here talking on a corded telephone
The Netherworld- World famous psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone has died, leaving behind a critically acclaimed television show, Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker, and legions of loyal followers.

"Brabara in many ways changed the way we think about the afterlife," Frangelis Middleton, Bloodstone's fourth husband and executor of her estate, explained. "She had a gift, an amazing way of bringing people together and charging them for her services."

Bloodstone will perhaps best be remembered for her eerily accurate psychic predictions of future events, ranging from the mundane to the monumental. She very accurately predicted the 2007 crash of the housing market in 1985 when she stated during a segment on the Webster Lewis show that "people in the next century might have money problems." She also predicted the current controversy in Crimea when she wrote in her 2008 book, You, Me, and Your Dead Grandpa, that Russia "won't be completely honest about everything over the next fifty years."

Although the cause of Bloodstone's death hasn't been officially released, it appears that she was eaten by a shark while returning home from a taping of her television show. A leaked police report has revealed that while inside the shark, Bloodstone suffered a massive stroke. To make matters even worse, an anonymous informant has stated that the shark then exploded, likely because it was smoking while filling up its car with gasoline.

The shark's motives are unknown but may involve Bloodstone's recent appearances in Australia to support her line of shark cartilage based cosmetics. Not surprisingly, this is the exact mechanism of death predicted by Bloodstone in a 1974 letter to the editor of Redbook magazine. Her show is being placed on hiatus, but may return in the Fall with a new host.