Wednesday, November 26, 2014

New Study Links Threatened Violence to Increased Willingness to Communicate.....

Newark, NJ- New research published this month in the Journal of Legitimate Businessmen confirms the long held belief that threatened physical violence increases the willingness to communicate.

"It's important when performing legal business endeavors to know ways in which one might procure valuable business type information more efficiently," Lou "Roastbeef" Saltaggio, head of a popular Newark men's social club and lead author of the paper, explained. "Like if one of my associates just happened to forget where he had stashed my money. I mean files."

The results of the study have been criticized by experts, however. Jam Calloway, a cognitive behavioral psychologist at the Rutgers University regional campus in Newark, warns not to jump to conclusions based on any one study, particularly one that is contradicted by decades of prior research. "Wait, Roastbeef Saltaggio wrote this? It's a solid study and I have no issue with it or any of the involved parties."


New Evidence Shows Forefathers Feasted on Turducken.....

Boston, MA- As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, and families across America are planning their holiday feasts, they may want to take into account recently unearthed evidence that instead of turkey, our pilgrim forefathers may have actually dined on turducken.

Every child deserves a turkey!
“My discovery is going to change the way that Americans think about Thanksgiving,” Carl’s Meat Warehouse owner, and amateur archaelogist, Carl Langford explained. “And conveniently we have a special on turducken, two for $59.99.”
This new finding, which was announced today during a press conference held at Carl’s Meat Warehouse, has yet to be evaluated by experts in the field. But Langford believes that the evidence speaks for itself. “I don’t need some jerk with a fancy degree to tell me that I have the best deal on turducken in town, and that is something the early settlers would have been proud of.”

Friday, November 21, 2014

More Chiropractors Turning to Subluxation Sniffing Dogs to Aid Diagnosis.....

Former subluxation detection dog Barks McCoy on his first day of work after completing Chiropractic College
Arlington, VA- According to a recent survey published by the American Chiropractic Association, increasing numbers of chiropractors are relying on the services of dogs that have been specially trained to locate abnormalities in the spine.

Prince, a hulking black and tan Doberman Pinscher, is led around a state of the art chiropractic examination room at the underground headquarters of the American Chiropractic Association in Arlington. He saunters past an array of diagnostic tools, handheld spring-loaded treatment devices and a poster of a kitten hanging from a tree branch that reminds these chiropractic researchers to "hang in there." He approaches a group of ten men, only one of which has been legally diagnosed with a subluxation, a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health that is the primary concern of licensed chiropractors.

The proud and noble canine circles the men, occasionally emitting a low pitched growl and stopping to sniff a seemingly random crotch. But Prince's crotch sniffing is anything but random. His nose, and the noses of dogs like him according to ACA researchers and thousands of practicing chiropractors around the country, can detect subluxations with far greater sensitivity than even the most high tech devices. Prince suddenly stops in front of one of the subjects and vocalizes a single but purposeful bark. He's made his choice, the correct one, and is soon rewarded with a small chunk of beef jerky.

"Prince is never wrong," Lead researcher Chiropractor Gerald Gravy explains. "It's uncanny. Even when he picks a subject that wasn't originally found to have a subluxation, we check again and there it is. That tells us he is able to detect them even in their earliest stages."

Once dogs like Prince first demonstrated their ability to detect even the most subtle of subluxations, likely via nanosensing or energy vibrations or some shit, reports came into the ACA of dogs without specialized training having similar success. Although the ACA continues to claim that their certified specially bred and trained dogs represent the pinnacle of subluxation detection, and can be rented from the organization for a few thousand dollars a month, the sheer number of anecdotal success stories pouring in from community chiropractors from Seattle to South Portland, which is in Maine and on the complete other side of the country from Seattle, has forced an official admission that pretty much any dog can successfully sniff out these silent and often symptomless spinal whatchamacallits.

"Frankly none of this should come as much of a surprise," Madington Crump, an Arlington area chiropractor and owner of the popular holistic gluten-free bakery and flower shop Pastries and Peonies, revealed. "Dogs have been used to detect a variety of cancers, predict seizures and even respond to diabetic emergencies. Subluxations are every bit as not made up as those conditions."

What unique aspect of human pathophysiology are these dogs detecting? So far there are only theories. Conventional researchers have dedicated their careers to solving the enigma of canine cancer detection, and have even narrowed the potential source down to a handful of chemical biomarker candidates using advanced spectrometers and chromatographs. But researchers like Chiropractor Gravy are wary of becoming too focused on explanations. "We've got a really good thing going here. Our customers are satisfied. Kids like the dogs. We start offering a Diplomate course in Canine Subluxation Detection in January."

Prince is oblivious to the machinations of the chiropractic community. After nearly a decade of identifying subluxations for the ACA team, he has earned the kind of respect most dogs only dream of. He prances around the facility as if he owns it, which is absurd because at the time of this posting Prince only owns 25% of the company's voting stock shares.

Friday, November 14, 2014

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler.....

THE HEALTH PATROL

with Mitch Rangler

Natural Remedies in the 21st Century

Do you wan't to know what's wrong with this country? Well, do you? It's science. I haven't met a scientist yet that knows his rear exit from a hole in the ground. Every time somebody discovers something even remotely true, there is some skeptical scientist in the news talking about how we are all just confused. I may be in my Autumn years, and have a touch of dementia, but I'm not confused!

I'M NOT CONFUSED!

Got a cure for cancer? Spontaneous remission they say. New treatment for multiple sclerosis? Regression to the mean according to fathead egghead ivory tower skeptics. If it were up to them, we'd only rely on science and double blinded placebo controlled research to tell us how to put our pants on. That's awful convenient considering that's how they make their millions. I don't need some guy in a lab coat with a degree from Johns Hopkins to tell me it's pants first, then shoes!

YOU WOULDN'T PUT ON YOUR SHOES BEFORE YOUR PANTS, WOULD YOU?

Skeptics are always talking about logical fallacies and errors in thinking, as if they are the only who know how to use their common sense to figure out what makes this world tick. If they took their eyes off of the chemistry experiment or the microscope for half a minute, they might see that nature is all around us, even in particles too small to see with the naked eye and in the interactions and transformations of atoms and molecules. And nature knows more about our bodies and our health than every textbook and PowerPoint presentation ever written!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND POWERPOINT!

A million years ago everyone had universal healthcare. It was called nature. Today, people argue about access to synthetic chemicals that are abominations concocted by hypernational transglomerations. Humans weren't meant to understand and control nature by twisting it into a ghastly caricature of its true self. But there is a solution!

SOLUTIONS! 

What is Nutritionology? That's a question I get asked from a lot of people I meet on the street or during my weekly water aerobics class at my neighborhood JCC. The answer is simple but it took me decades of intense apprenticeship under some of the finest European minds in Nutritionology. And I want to share my knowledge with you.

I APPRENTICED IN EUROPE!

The funny thing about Nutritionology is that to anyone who didn't train under the guidance of pioneers like Geert Lewinsky or Marvish Sincloid, it looks simple. Sure, it may seem like a fully apprenticed Nutritionologist merely combines random plant and animal parts with an equally random medical condition or symptoms but that is just the first step. The second and most important step is taking the first step on the path to true health!

TRUE HEALTH!

If you have questions about Nutritionology, write them on a self-addressed stamped envelope and send to Mitch Rangler at @TheHealthPatrol. You can also sign up for his newsletter which he will write and mail out once he has access to the mimeograph in the basement.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Disney World as a Global Melting Pot.....

Point
Disney World Provides a Magical Opportunity for People of Various Cultures to Come Together

By Amy Jones
Optometry Student
Memphis, TN
I will never forget my magical journey to Disney World. From the moment I arrived, my education began as the wonders of the world were opened up to me. I was able to experience the coming together of people from across the globe and my curiousity for adventure and discovery was met without even the need to cross an ocean.

Only at Disney World, where dreams truly do come true, can a simple southern girl from Memphis come to see the wonders of the diverse customs and characters of different countries and cultures from around the world. At Disney's amazing Epcot World Showcase, I travelled from country to country, soaking in every ounce of their unique cultural experiences. And did you know that the shops and restaurants are staffed by actual citizens of each country? Those accents aren't fake because they are the real deal!

But at Disney World, it isn't just about the staff and attractions. My fellow visitors hailed from around the world as well. Just people-watching in the lobby of my hotel taught me more about the ways of the world than any college course. If the spirit of mutual respect and admiration infused in every nook and cranny of Disney World is any indication, then there is hope for all people to one day join together in peace and harmony.

Counterpoint
I'm Not Mulan!

By Nancy Chien
Epidemiologist
Harvard University


I'm not Mulan! For the love of god please stop asking for my autograph. Do I look like a Disney Princess? Can I please just eat my giant soft pretzel in peace?

Oh my god! Seriously people! I've never even been to China. I was born in Chicago. I've never even seen the movie!

I realize you want to get autographs for your kids. But didn't the fact that there wasn't a line and a 90-minute wait to approach my table seem a little odd? No? Fine, just give me the damn book! Who do I make this out to?

Monday, October 27, 2014

Area Dog has Adorable Seizure Disorder.....

Lafayette, LA- When 2-year-old Havanese Paw Paw Le Chien began having complex partial seizures related to a brain tumor in September, the last thing his owner expected was to become an overnight internet sensation.

An extremely complicated graph, shown here just moments before proving that stupid people aren't smart enough to understand it
"The seizures didn't happen very often at first so the veterinarian asked me to try to record the next one," Le Chien's owner Carlene Rasmussen explained. "When I watched the video and saw just how crazy adorable it was, I had to put it online. The next thing I know it's gone viral, we've got a million hits and Ellen is calling to see if we'll come on the show."

The seizures, which have increased in frequency over the past two months, have left the purebred canine severely cognitively impaired and barely able to move more than a few feet without assistance. And according to Rasmussen, he receives his feeds via a tube inserted directly into his stomach. "If it weren't for the book deal and the reality show we're filming for E!, I would probably have just gotten a new dog."



Friday, October 24, 2014

Starbucks to Offer Retail-Based Health Care Clinic.....

Seattle, WA-Starbucks, the largest coffeehouse company in the world, announced earlier today that it would begin opening retail-based health care clinics in select locations, likely in time for cold and flu season.
A picture of a dog
According to Starbucks President and CEO Howard Schultz, the decision to expand into medical care was inspired by the growing popularity of clinics in supermarkets and pharmacies.
“Folks are hurting out there, and retail-based clinics are a more economical option in many circumstances,” Schultz explains. “Starbucks will offer convenience and reasonable prices for the treatment of common medical concerns just like we do for whole bean organic Mexican shade grown medium roast coffee.”
Clinic operations will be overseen by Mort Fishman, a practicing Naturopathic physician in the Seattle area who is also one of only three Grand Wizard baristas in North America. According to Fishman, Starbucks won’t simply be unveiling another version of the CVS MinuteClinic or Walgreens Healthcare Clinic. “The last thing that sick people need is the unfriendly and sterile environment of a doctor's office or pharmacy waiting area. We want them to feel comfortable in an environment conducive to the sharing of ideas so that perhaps one might incubate and ultimately be born as full concept which might more easily spread from person to person."

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Miracle Gerbil Alerts Family to Babysitter Abuse.....

Charleston, SC- Dogs may be known as man's best friend, but you may soon be referring to the common household gerbil as your baby's bodyguard. One South Carolina family certainly is after one of the pint-sized rodents helped them to discover the abuse of their infant child at the hands of a trusted live-in nanny.

A home defense gerbil, shown here armed with an F3000 Assault Rifle with 40mm grenade launcher, mere moments after completion of a certified home defense course offered only in southern Afghanistan and Texas. The gerbil has no name in order to avoid development of a personal identity and foster a drive to sacrifice his life if necessary in the defense of the home
"I became suspicious that she might be abusing our child when I noticed that our Silver Nutmeg Mongolian gerbil Sir Stinkypaws became agitated whenever she picked up the baby," thankful father Greg Stevens explained. "One time he even had to be physically restrained. So I set up hidden cameras that targeted likely areas of abuse like the nursery and the guest bedroom and shower."

The Stevens' nanny, 25-year-old Jordana Brewbacher, had been living with the Stevens family for about 2 months at the time of the hidden camera investigation. After collecting many hours of footage, which Mr. Stevens analyzed several times a day for many weeks, usually after Mrs. Stevens had gone to bed or while she was at work, he found what he was looking for. "I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. We were very clear about the schedule for naps and snack time."

Brewbacher, who confessed to giving the Stevens' infant son an extra afternoon snack to keep him from fussing, has been placed on the appropriate registries. After completing her time in prison she will never again be allowed to work near children or gerbils. Mr. Stevens is now raising awareness of the benefits of hidden cameras in the home and offering his experience in service to other families. "If anyone out there has hidden camera footage of their nanny, I would be happy to help analyze it."


Thursday, October 16, 2014

NPR Listener Rends Fabric of Space and Time.....

Philadelphia, PA-Chaos broke out today at the studios of WHYY-FM in Philadelphia when a caller refused to turn down his radio resulting in a tear in the very fabric of space and time, and the death or disappearance of hundreds of studio employees.

Fresh Air host Terry Gross, shown here mere seconds before evaporating into quantum foam, possibly because of the appearance of a strangelet in her recording studio
“I don’t know what the heck happened over there”, Rick from Tuscon explained. “One minute I’m asking that dude from The Shield where he got his motivation from and the next all hell is breaking loose.”
Scientists are scrambling to piece together what may have happened, and are thus far baffled as to why many of the people working at WHYY-FM that day are now dead or missing without a trace. Theoretical physicist Michio Kaku of the City University of New York believes that there are a number of possible explanations. “The infinite feedback loop caused by the callers radio may have somehow elevated the harmonic of the missing individuals, carrying them fully, or partially, into a higher dimension. Also this may just be a big coincidence and a black hole simply formed in the middle of the building.”
Maggi Leyden, Executive director of Donor Relations at WHYY-FM and one of the few survivors of the horrific event, remains hopeful about the future of public radio. “I can’t say that I’ll ever truly get over seeing Terry Gross ripped in half at the waist, but I can say that now would be the perfect time for listeners out there to support their local NPR stations.”

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Facebook Group Secedes from the United States.....

Cambridge, MA-In a surprising move earlier today, administrators of the Facebook social group, “1,000,000 People Who Love Kittens!!!”, officially declared their secession from the Unites States.
Monsieur Muffin, seen here praying for forgiveness for his role in the events leading up to the 2nd Civil War and ultimate dissolution of the United States of America
The group, started by New Jersey homemaker Jeannie Baker in August of last year, currently consists of Jeannie, Jeannie’s best friend Luanne Watkins, and a man listed only as Steve. Displayed in the group’s photo section are nearly three hundred pictures of Jeannie and Luanne’s cats, Monsieur Muffin and SeƱor Whiskers respectively, as well as a number of drawings of cats by Steve.
President Obama, upon learning of the secession, reacted by ordering an immediate review of the groups submitted secession paperwork. “I immediately put my best people on this,” Obama explained. “But after a thorough review, it’s all there and the administration’s hands are tied on this.”
Constitutional scholar Moises Turpin agrees. “This isn't the first time a small group of organized citizens has left the Union. Of course we all learned a powerful lesson from Reagan’s 1983 thermonuclear strike on the Greater Newark Dungeons & Dragons Club. Diplomacy is really the way to go here.”
When told of the groups secession, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg expressed regret but also understanding. “I can’t say I didn't see this coming. My wife told me that one day my free-access social networking website was going to end up tearing this nation apart.”