Friday, August 21, 2015

Leaked Dolly Madison Data Shocks Health and Fitness Community.....

Columbus, OH- Having infiltrated the computer files of Dolly Madison, a U.S. bakery famous for its Zingers brand snack cakes that closed in 2012, hackers have released identifying personal information belonging to millions of former customers. A group or individual known as Gluten Anonymous has claimed responsibility for the leak.

Former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown, shown here suffering the first of several diabetes related heart attacks
While a leak of information revealing the buying habits of bakery customers seems fairly benign at first glance, there is a dark side to this story. Numerous health and fitness gurus, like the Food Baby Frank Hunt and fully apprenticed Nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, have been implicated. Even Hollywood celebrities known for speaking out against processed sugars and gluten, like former actress turned health activist Gwyneth Paltrow and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, have placed large orders for snack cakes and fruit pies.

"Cheating is like the secret glue that keeps millions of consumers attached to their diets," culinary psychologist Dr. Mort Fishman CPsyD explained. "I would cheat before I would quit my diet altogether. But these are high profile customers with a public image based on a certain lifestyle not in keeping with having a crate of Donut Gems delivered to their mansion."

Probably the most shocking finding has been former Dolly Madison spokesperson Charlie Brown's continued purchasing of the bakery's products as late as 2011. Brown, an outspoken critic of processed foods and added sugar since developing adult-onset juvenile diabetes at the age of 33, parted ways with the company in the early 1980's. The broken contract led to a lengthy court battle, which served as the inspiration for the 1992 movie classic A Few Good Men. Despite this, he went on to purchase thousand of boxes of Cherry Pies and Danish Rollers after the split.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Chiropractic Particle Physicists Uncover Subatomic Building Block of the Subluxation.....

Geneva, Switzerland- One of the great mysteries of chiropractic science, the true underlying nature of the spinal subluxation, may have finally been solved by a team of top chiropractic particle physicists working at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva. Details of the discovery of the subatomic building block of the subluxation, which is being referred to as a subluxon, were published this week in Online Publishing Module #17,804 - Chiropractic Particle Physics and Gluten-Free Cake Recipes.

Actor Morgan Freeman, shown here in a teal colored hard hat with arms folded and a serious look on his face.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't feel it with my own two hands during the applied kinesiology experiments at CERN," Chiropractor and 9th level particle physicist Frank Grimes explained. "When we were finally able to book time with the Large Hadron Collider, I knew something big was about to happen."

According to Grimes, chiropractors have known for more than a century that the subluxation existed but have been forced to use cumbersome placeholders when reporting the findings of their examinations to patients. Lacking an understanding of it's true nature, they did the best they could. "We knew that spinal nerves weren't actually being pinched and that the subluxation wasn't really a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes, but we still needed patients to understand how serious the situation was."

Chiropractors can now add an accurate understanding of what a subluxation is to the profession's established mastery of the numerous potential negative health effects caused by them. And, as Grimes explains in an ad for his Belvidere, Nebraska clinic, a focus on prevention by detecting subluxons before they cause a symptomatic subluxation is the next step. "Come on down for our back to school event! I'll check the whole family's subluxon levels for just $59 and knock 10% off our Maintenance Madness! package if you sign up for at least 6 months!" 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Area Couple Frustrated by Infant's Lack of Internet Connectivity.....

Belvidere, NE- When Myrtle and Angus Rose welcomed their first child into the world, they scanned every inch of their nearly twelve pound baby for any imperfections using an app on their smartphone. And like most parents they were pleased to find a vigorous and plump baby with ten fingers, ten toes, and a normal sized penis perfect for incorporating into a birth announcement for their friends on Instagram. But joy quickly turned to confusion and frustration when they were unable to locate their newborn son's USB port.

Increasing numbers of perfectly acceptable but non-internet compatible newborns are being put up for adoption by late generation millennials 
"I don't mean to sound disappointed or ungrateful," Mr. Rose explained while filming a video selfie and then posting it to Vine. "I just don't know how I'm even going to interact with him. There's no Bluetooth, no FaceTime, no Twitter handle. There's no access at all, just regular holes and some kind of intermittent high pitched emission from what I think is its heat sink."

The Roses aren't the only late generation millennials struggling to communicate as they begin to have children. Having grown up with total immersion in post-internet life, many are having difficulty grasping that their newborn is another human being rather than a new peripheral for their smart phone. Many physicians, like pediatrician Dr. Mort Fishman, are being forced to adapt to parenting concerns that would have been unheard of just a few years ago. "They keep asking me what the WiFi password is and how to set up a WPAN."








Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Portland Compounding Pharmacy Releases Line of Artisanal Parenteral Nutrition.....

Portland, OR- Peach & Barrow, a Portland based compounding pharmacy that opened in 2015, has recently begun marketing a line of small-batch artisanal intravenous nutrition products for use by high-end hospitals and home health companies catering to clients looking for a more traditional experience.

Jasper Online Name Generator Wilson, owner of Peach & Barrow pharmacy, shown here delivering a batch of IV total parenteral nutrition to a local nursing home
"For years, the healthcare consumer has been forced to rely on parenteral nutrition made in an assembly line fashion without any respect for the process," Peach & Barrow owner Jasper Online Name Generator Wilson explained. "We locally source all of the constituents of our hand crafted products, from the trace elements to the lipids and amino acids. And all contain honey-based dextrose obtained from bees that worked with us voluntarily."

At Peach & Barrow, no two parenteral nutrition solutions are the same. The recipe, derived more through intuition than the use of any pharmacy textbook, depends on the season and what is currently popular. According to Wilson, each morning pharmacy employees scout out the local farmers' markets and scour social media sites like Twitter, Instagram, and some site called BabyTatz, where people tattoo their babies with pictures of what they just ate or inspirational David "Avocado" Wolfe quotes. "And each of our IV nutrition blends comes in a mason jar that was hand blown from rare sea glass."

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Newly Licensed Chiropractic Surgeons Turning to Cervical Spinal Fusion to Treat Text Neck.....

Chiropractic surgeons performing preventative cervical spinal fusion on a 15-year-old recurrent iPhone user
When the California state legislature approved licensure of the first ever certified chiropractic surgeons in May, skeptics were quick to question their competency. They also whined about the supposed lack of any need for their services to pretty much anybody who would listen. As usual, the men and women, mostly men, that run the government know what is best for the general public.

These pioneers in the field of chiropractic surgery, each of which completed a four-year chiropractic education while also watching all eleven seasons of Grey's Anatomy, are already making an impact. Their first order of business has been to focus on developing a cure for a nearly ubiquitous and potentially deadly condition: text neck. 

Although the exact weight of the human head is unclear, physicists from Europe believe it to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 pounds. As the neck flexes, the weight pulling down on the cervical spine increases exponentially, reaching upwards of 200 pounds at a 30 degree angle and nearly 3 tons at 60 degrees. Anyone daring to flex their neck greater than 60 degrees risks instant death as their head separates from the spinal column, rolling down a steep hill as they comically chase after it.
That's the price we pay for having 24-7 access to the internet and the ability to interact socially with our friends and family while following Justin Bieber inspired parody/porn accounts like @JustInBeaver. According to research published in Online Publishing Module #14, 517 - Implications of Smartphone technology on Spinal Health - Human, Chimpanzee, and Bonobo, long term stress on the cervical spine can result in a variety of health problems. In fact, many people who regularly use smartphone devices suffer neck and back pain, respiratory conditions, gastrointestinal problems, and heart disease. Some even die.

“It's either the worst epidemic that mankind has ever faced or it’s at least pretty common,” Mort Fishman MD, chief of spine health at The Spine Surgery and Rehabilitation Medicine Paradise Wellness Prevention Institute, explained. “All day long I notice people looking at their devices. I notice them!”
A young woman, shown here mere moments before experiencing Cephalospinal Separation Syndrome (CSS), is ordering toilet paper on Amazon Prime
Having trouble wrapping your head around just how heavy 60 pounds is? Try this thought experiment. First imagine a one pound bar of dark chocolate. Now imagine that you have 60 of them hanging from your neck for hours each day. Now imagine that they're actually made with white chocolate. Bet you didn't see that coming you racist son of a bitch.

Dr. Fishman, who is a board tolerated medical doctor with interest in both stuff and things related to the spine, believes that children are the future of text neck casualties. "Youth today are growing up with smartphones, and they're experiencing this problem from an early age. I'm concerned that unless we evolve eyes on stalks, we may soon see the first generation of children to have a shorter life span than their parents. Parent's need to focus more intently on the daily activities of their children. They need to more involved."
Frank Grimes CCS, chiropractic surgeon and president of the American Hyperbole Society's Things Outside Our Area of Expertise Section, revealed that the effect of text neck is similar to taking your eyelid and stretching it up and over your head and holding it there for sixty minutes to one hour.
A woman suffering from text neck, shown here using an external cervical fixation device
Grimes, who specializes in treating text neck, first began seeing patients with symptoms about six or seven years ago. "Prior to then it was rare to see people looking down for more than a few seconds. Like when they thought they saw a penny on the ground or were about to fall through an open manhole."

While experts like Grimes understand that it is nearly impossible to completely remove these technologies from our day to day lives, they stress that there are now surgical interventions that can prevent injury to the neck, brain, lungs, and heart. The procedure that they've brought to the table is surgical fusion of the cervical spine, which involves using metal or wooden screws to brace the vertebral column internally, holding it in the ideal position without the need for unsightly external fixation devices. "It's horrifically painful, mostly because legislation to license chiropractic anesthesiologists is still stuck in committee, but it is a permanent solution to the problem."

Friday, June 12, 2015

Chiropractic Scientists Concerned Over Spread of Adjustment Resistant Subluxations.....

Little Rock, AR-For over a century, Chiropractic physicians have been diagnosing and treating a deadly and mysterious condition. In fact, you might not even know you have it. This entity, the chiropractic subluxation, has been linked to virtually every disease process known to medical science yet it often is asymptomatic and undetectable using even modern scientific imaging techniques.

A seemingly healthy woman, shown here moments before suffering total collapse of the spine or Accordion syndrome, because of hidden chiropractic subluxations
Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explains, 
"That is what makes the subluxation such a threat to public health. Medical doctors call high blood pressure the silent killer but at least that condition, whatever it is, is rare. Studies have shown that every single person that visits a chiropractor is found to have a subluxation. That's pretty scary because a lot of people don't even see a chiropractor regularly. They see a dentist twice a year but ignore the recommendations of the World Chiropractic Alliance, International Chiropractors Association, and American Chiropractic Association on regular spine exams."
The exact definition of the spinal subluxation has changed somewhat over the years as chiropractic science has advanced. Vague notions of a spinal segment having to be demonstrably out of alignment and pinching a spinal nerve were discarded for the more specific Vertebral Subluxation Complex in order to aid researchers in their efforts to prove the effectiveness of chiropractic. This is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health. Dr. Grimes points out that "The process of coming up with a unified definition of the subluxation was very scientific, involving a show of hands and I believe someone had a calculator."
A replica of the calculator used in the determination of a standardized definition of the chiropractic subluxation
The difficulty in locating these spinal subluxations even with advanced medical imaging such at CT scans and MRI has, in large part thanks to chiropractic researchers over the years, been overcome by the development of a number of high-tech diagnostic modalities such as low-resolution electronic chiropractic thermography and supine leg length differential estimation. Some chiropractors with advanced training are even able to locate subluxations on x-rays of the spine that regular medical radiologists would miss.

But the most vital aspect of any chiropractic evaluation remains the hands on palpation required to diagnose more subtle subluxations. Grimes reveals, "This is where the art of chiropractic, as opposed to the science, comes into play. Sorting out those hard to find subluxations can be difficult but eventually you'll find one in pretty much everybody. It's a nice feeling to catch one early before any catastrophic nervous system damage or immune dysfunction has taken place."

Typically, subluxations can be easily treated with chiropractic adjustments, which consist of a series of highly skilled manipulations of your spine with varying degrees of force, or with certain instruments, and in a variety of locations depending on where the subluxation is found along the spine and what particular technique your chiropractor prefers. There are hundreds of different adjustment techniques, all of equivalent efficacy at treating subluxations and improving health. Patients tend to respond better to more frequent visits, some even requiring daily and weekly adjustments. Grimes adds, "Once the patient is out of danger, visits to maintain alignment and prevent subluxations are a must. You don't stop brushing your teeth once a cavity is filled!"

A young child, diagnosed with adjustment resistant subluxations by his chiropractor, shown here after being placed on the list for vertebral column transplant
Of growing concern to the chiropractic community is the increasing incidence of adjustment resistant subluxations, and the recent discovery of subluxations resistant even to advanced chiropractic treatments such as non-surgical spinal decompression systems and manipulation under anesthesia. Grimes explains, "If this trend continues, we may soon see a day where chiropractors are considered ineffective at . It's a good thing I also know how to do acupuncture."

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Lazy Ribosome Syndrome.....



What is lazy ribosome syndrome?
Lazy ribosome syndrome, also known as LRS, is a collection of various signs and symptoms that results when ribosome function falls below what is necessary for the signs and symptoms not to occur. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged protein synthesis, it can also arise before, during, or after acute or chronic illness. 

Do you suffer from signs and/or symptoms?

As the name suggests, LRS occurs when ribosomes are unwilling to work as designed by our Lord and Savior. LRS then presents as signs or symptoms that are not relieved by conventional medicine and are not caused by a clearly identifiable ailment such as scrofula or plectal derangement. You may look and act relatively normal despite having lazy ribosomes, and you may not have any obvious signs of physical illness like runny nose or a prehensile tail, yet you stumble through life with a general sense of ennui. LRS sufferers often have to use coffee and other stimulants just to get through their dull and seemingly pointless lives.

LRS is not scrofula!

Lazy ribosome syndrome has been known by many other names throughout the past century, such as Pappy's lament, The Downtown Shakedown, Cribbage Brain, and Reverse AIDS. And although it affects billions of people in the U.S., Puerto Roco, and America 2, which was formally known as Europe, conventional medical doctors will laugh and spit in your face and then send you home to die every time.

Tired of doctors spitting in your face?

LRS can ruin your life. In the more serious cases, the ribosomes are so lazy that you may have difficulty getting out of bed or masturbating more than three times each day. With each quartile of reduction in ribosome activity, your friends and family will come to despise you more and more. Changes occur in your body's ability to maintain homeostasis, equilibrium, and synergy of backwards overflow. Many other alterations take place at the chemical, cellular, and bioquantum levels in an attempt to compensate for the decrease in ribosomal function. Your body will eventually dry out, becoming a fragile husk that will ultimately crumble into a fine powder and blow away in a gust of wind.
What causes lazy ribosome syndrome?
Lazy ribosome sydrome occurs when your ribosomes are unable to meet the protein synthesis demands of your active and rewarding lifestyle. Ribosomes produce new proteins by combining amino acids, but don't be scared by the name. They aren't actually made of acid and can't disfigure your face or melt down the dismembered body of your neighbor's dog. We need need new proteins whenever our bodies are exposed to oxygen, take in nutrition, or sleep. If protein synthesis is inadequate, it's only a matter of time before signs and symptoms set in.

That dog was asking for it!
During an LRS crisis your ribosomes still function, but are too lazy to maintain optimal protein synthesis because they have had it up to here with your exposure to any number of toxins, glutens, and ribosome disruptors produced in the bowels of Monsanto's secret laboratory on Skull island. It might occur with just one really horrible exposure, such as eating a genetically modified sandwich or standing next to Paul Offit on a subway. Or it can be caused by chronic or repeated insults to your muladhara chakra that have a cumulative effect.
Who gets lazy ribosome syndrome?
Anyone can experience lazy ribosome syndrome at some time in their life. An illness, being alone in your house and hearing a loud noise in the other room and thinking for even just a moment that someone has broken in, or an ongoing exposure to people who let their kids run around the restarant unsupervised. These difficult situations can make the ribosomes of even the most important celebrity as lazy as a non-celebrity. There are factors that can increase your risk, however. These include certain lifestyles (unnatural diet, drug (illicit or prescribed) use, poor sleep, shopping at Target, chronic illness or repeated infections such as scrofula, feeling trapped or helpless such as when in a toxic relationship, stressful job, jail, or that place where poor people get their coffee...Starbucks!

How common is lazy ribosome syndrome?
Although statistics have been supressed by the Medical-Industrial Complex, Dr. Bohannes Jonnanon, an expert who specializes in LRS, said in 1969 on the street outside a taping of the Dick Cavett show that he estimated that approximately 99.6% of the public could be classified as having the condition. And this was three decades before 9/11. 
How do I know if I have lazy ribosomes?
You may be experiencing LRS if you regularly notice one or more of the following:
  1. You feel tired for no reason that you can think of or accept
  2. You have trouble getting up in the morning, even when the Reverend has forgotten to tighten your leg shackles 
  3. You are feeling rundown or overwhelmed by the most recent episode of Game of Thrones
  4. You have difficulty bouncing back from stress or illness.
  5. You crave salty or sweet snacks.
  6. You feel more awake, alert and energetic after 6PM than you do all day at the job you hate
God damn Walder Frey!!!
What else should I be afraid of?

The processes that take place in life, from birth to the sweet release of death, place demands on your ribosomes. Therefore, it is likely that if you are also suffering from another life-related condition such as sensitivity to wind or storchus. Also, any time a medical treatment includes the use of unnatural synthetic compounds, ribosomes can become lazy because they are like, "What am I, chopped liver?" 

In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss treatments of LRS and cutting edge research into the condition that is giving hope to billions of sufferers. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Scientists are Speaking Out About Genetically Modified Organisms.....

Bucksnort, TN-An emergency meeting of some of the top scientific minds in the world is being held today in Bucksnort to discuss legitimate concerns regarding the safety and ethics of introducing genetically modified crops into the human food supply.

A dramatization to illustrate health concerns over genetically modified crops. This really isn't Death, it is a man in a Death suit. But Death could really be there, or anywhere, because he is invisible
"Genetical modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and the Bible."

Meeting coordinator Tim-Bob Alvarez, a Doctor of Tobaccology, further revealed additional insight into the concerns of anti-GMO scientists: 

"Genetically modified crops are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists who aren't in the pocket of the GM crop industry are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes."
Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than natural varieties according to some of the attending experts. Dane Cook, an inexplicably popular comedian and environmental activist serving as the keynote speaker, stated that "This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option of choosing between natural and GM crops."

Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistant to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. Alvarez, always the skeptic, pointed out that "This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects?"

Not surprisingly, today's meeting of the minds actually raised more questions than it answered. But those taking part have sworn to continue their tireless efforts to root out the hidden dangers of genetically modified crops, even in the face of contrary evidence. "Ignoring data that fails to support one's conclusion isn't easy," Dr. Grimes explained. "But it is the mark of a true hero to stand up for one's beliefs no matter how wrong they might be."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers.....

MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers
The Only Microbiome Support Supplement Formulated Just For Toddlers!

Two toddlers with balanced microbiomes and one complete asshole.
Did you know that over 70% of toddlers have an unbalanced microbiome? Or that an unbalanced microbiome can affect how well a child's brain and immune system is functioning? Scientific studies performed near Europe have shown that replenishing the body with friendly bacteria in the right ratio can improve intestinal health, restore mental function, and accelerate development by over a quartile. Until now parents have had to rely on products that weren't designed for young children.

Early childhood is a unique period of transition from infancy into school age. Their bodies are going through a lot of changes. It's like a cosmic joke at your expense! You wouldn't let a 2-year-old vote or join the Merchant Marine, right? So why would you attempt to reconstitute their microbiome with adult yogurts or vaginal swabs?

MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers
Put Down That Vaginal Swab!

Young humanoid cultivars, shown here just prior to being harvested for their highly plastic nervous tissue, running through a field of grass on a sunny day.
MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers is the first and only microbiome support supplement designed specifically with the toddler's unique intestinal environment and integumentary system in mind. It works with your child's body, not against it. And it has never been conclusively proven to cause life-threatening respiratory infections, so they can continue to breath room air without feeling like their trachea is coated in a mixture of hot candle wax and broken glass, for reals! But what is the microbiome, I ask in an attempt smoothly segue into the next paragraph?

The microbiome isn't a really small desert or other ecosystem defined by its climate, geology, and inhabiting species. I'm just using language with humorous intention so that you feel comfortable around me and trust what I have to say. At least one expert somewhere will probably tell you that the microbiome is as unique as your fingerprint. It IS you! Unfortunately, because of environmental assaults on our bodies by antibiotics and other chemicals, many young children have unbalanced and unhealthy microbiomes and will eventually die.

So what can you expect after your child starts taking MicrobiYumz! for Toddlers?

1. Voluntary control over the evacuation of stool and urine from the body
2. Increased energy or more periods of quiet and calm if that's what you'd prefer
3. Improved language acquisition and increasing vocabulary
4. Fewer diaper rashes and lower risk of future obesity
5. Increased popularity at the playground and/or cooperative daycare center
6. Greater autonomy, less self-doubt, and decreased chance of developing an allergic or autoimmune disorder
7. Fewer colds and other viral infections, particularly in the Summer
8. Better balance and motor skills
9. More interest in interactive play with other children
10. Flight, super strength, or the ability to pass through solid objects

So what are you waiting for? Don't you want your child to have a chance at a successful future? Parents who love their children want what's best for them! 

Popular children's entertainer DJ Yip Yap, shown here mere moments before losing both his thumbs to an adult female howler monkey.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Astrology Researchers Discover Epigenetic Influences of Your Birth Sign.....

Laguna Beach, CA- A complete mystery for thousands of years, the underlying mechanism at the heart of astrology may now be fully understood. Researchers at the Astrological Research Institute (ARI) in Laguna Beach have released the findings of an exhaustive year-long survey which proves beyond reasonable doubt that the influence of the positions of the stars on future health is epigenetic in nature. The study authors were so confident in the robustness of their findings that they chose to bring them straight to the public in order to avoid a lengthy peer review process that would delay widespread societal benefit.

An Epigenetic Astrologer, shown here demonstrating the ancient technique of Rhinomancy, can predict a poopy diaper nearly half the time
"Epigenetics is the science of change at the level of individual DNA base pairs and in the cellular machinery that creates the proteins that build our bodies," Astrologer and Scientist-in-Residence at ARI Tobias Tarkington explained. "Subtle energies determined by celestial alignments have long been known to influence the human body and now we know exactly how they do it."

The study, which was sent out to all United States citizens, including Washington D.C. and Porto Rico, involved a series of questions which used a comfort scale developed specifically for this research. Respondents were asked to rate their comfort with accepting that either epigenetics or astrology played a key role in determining their future, but not both according to Tarkington. "The survey was blinded and placebo controlled because subjects in Pool A didn't know any of the subjects in Pool B to the best of our knowledge and every 5th survey sent out was just a blank piece of paper."