Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Food Baby!

About Frank Hunt

Hi there! First of all, I want to say welcome and thank you for stopping by. 
My name is Frank Hunt, but I’m probably better known as “The Food Baby.” Why the name? It's because I love food...and I'm a 7-month-old baby.

Did you know that your food is full of toxic chemicals?

Did you know that most chronic illness is caused by our unhealthy modern diet, most of which was created in a laboratory using science and ingredients that I can't pronounce because they are more than one syllable?
Did you know that my daddy ceases to exist whenever he puts his hands in front of his face? But greedy corporations can't hide the truth about dangerous ingredients from me, as long as they don't put it behind their back or under a blanket.

In the 7 months since I was born into a birthing pond in the backyard of my parents' home in Lansing, Michigan, I've learned a lot about health and nutrition. Like how most infant formulas contains endocrine disrupters or how I'm terrified of strangers. I'm going to share all my knowledge with you so that you can go out into the world prepared to be as healthy as possible.

I wasn't always so healthy though. When I was born that day amongst the koi, I was large-for-gestational age. For weeks I couldn't do anything but feed and evacuate my bladder and bowels. Talk about a crib potato!

When I developed colic and a fungal diaper rash, I knew it was time to take matters into my own hand using a raking motion or perhaps by picking it up between my thumb and forefinger.

My newfound inspiration helped me to focus on food ingredients, even when they were held more than 8 to 10 inches from my face and moved from one end of my field of vision to the other. No longer content to just lay on my back, I turned both ways to accept my past dietary mistakes and move forward into a healthier tomorrow. Now, a much slimmer 50th percentile in weight and length, I can sit unsupported with my head held steady and high.

Won't you join me?

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: It's Time to Think About Your Colon.....


with Mitch Rangler

Hey Patrollers! After a long and difficult Winter, Spring is finally making its presence known around the country. Soon flowers will be in bloom, releasing their sweet fragrance into the air and signaling the rebirth of the natural world.  Spring is a time of renewal, and for many it is a time to break out the cleaning supplies for a little Spring cleaning.

Everywhere I look there are gardens being mulched, rugs being beaten out on the veranda, and hobo bones being carried out to trash receptacles. Come next week, Winter's last remnants will be a distant memory, as will its migrant worker population which had come to seek shelter after the hobo encampments on the outskirts of town were mysteriously burned to the ground. But there is more to Spring than cleaning up your house, or disposing of human remains found in your crawl space.

I use the return of birdsong and honeybee mating calls to remind me that it is also a perfect time to focus on ways to renew my commitment to true health. Part of being a good citizen, and a requirement of my tenancy agreement, is being free of disease. And what better way is there to get a jump start on a healthier lifestyle than a cleansing colonic?  

I'm asking all of my Patrollers out there to pay close attention to their bodies and to seriously consider taking a positive step towards a healthier tomorrow. Even if you already think you are healthy, you probably just aren't looking deep enough or have been brainwashed by Ivory Tower eggheads trying to sell you synthetic chemicals. I have ten stools a day, each the size of a marble, just like God intended.

How do you know if you need a colonic? Here is my validated, 100% sensitive and 3% specific, foolproof self-evaluation tool that anyone can do at home. You can't lose!

Ask yourself, do you suffer from any of the following conditions:

Depression, Forgetfulness, Unprovoked Remembering, Drowsiness, Intestinal Bloat, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Indigestion, Nausea, Sinus Problems, Bad Breath and Candida, Constipation, Diarrhea, Flatulence, Arthritis, Dementia, Headaches, Asthma, Allergies, Body Odor, Foot Odor, Insomnia, Chronic Fatigue, or Acne

Have you found yourself using any of the following items or taking part in any of the following activities:

Taking antibiotics, Bathing in tap water, Drinking tap water, Driving in a car in heavy traffic, Hair dyes, Fingernail polish, Standard cleaning products, Toothpaste with fluoride, Eating at Fast food restaurants, Eating shellfish, Using artificial sweeteners, Not drinking enough purified water, Have less than 2 bowel movements daily, Drinking sodas, Walking barefoot on grass, Taking prescription drugs, Windsurfing

Do you suffer from any of the following physical symptoms:

Back pain, Change in appetite, Chest pain, Constipation or diarrhea, Dry mouth, Extreme tiredness, General aches and pains, Headaches, High blood pressure, Insomnia, Lightheartedness, Palpitations, Sexual problems, Shortness of breath, Stiff neck, Sweating, Upset stomach, Weight gain or loss, Windsurfing

So the next time your "doctor" tries to sell you a prescription for science drugs, ask them if they know the difference between dis-ease and true health. Ask them if they know the difference between an enema and a colonic. Ask them why the AMA doesn't return my letters.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

World's Fattest Baby Now in Size 2 Diapers.....

ALEISK, Russia-When Nadia Khalina was born in February, she weighed nearly 18 pounds and had a BMI well over the 95 percentile. Nearly two months later the morbidly obese former neonate has, with the help of nutrition experts, pediatric health specialists, and certified infant fitness trainers sponsored by Quiznos, managed to drop 10% of her birth weight.

Certified Infant Fitness Expert Derique, shown here demonstrating his trademark Derique Technique while on tour with the Belvidere Hambone Players
"When we started working with Nadia, I really didn't think we'd have this much success so early in the program," infant trainer Tawny Kincaid explains. "She didn't seem to want it bad enough, you know. If you are going to drop those pounds, you've got to stay focused and keep your eye on the prize and, well, she acted like this was all a big joke at first."

Team nutritionist Nancy Cadwallader, a veteran in the business of weight loss who has worked with celebrity babies like Siri Cruise and North by Northwest Kardunkian, knew that the first obstacle for Nadia was cutting back on carbohydrates, and that meant breast milk. "That stuff is like liquid cheese danish. Sure its got some protein in it, and some immunoglobulins, but it also has about 7% carbs."

This aspect of the program was the most difficult according to the team. Cadwallader reveals that there is often an emotional component to eating when it comes to newborns, who often turn to the bottle or breast for comfort when they experience stress, anger, or loneliness. "Some newborns want to feed simply because they are awake and bored. It's not a good pattern for them to fall into."

Next for Nadia was the focus on physical activity. Kincaid, a former obese infant and host of Survivor: Baby Fat Camp, says that being unable to perform purposeful movements or to see for more than a few inches in front of their faces is not an excuse to be lazy and inactive. "If they won't move then you have to move them!" Kincaid is a proponent of core training techniques such as Infant Pilates but admits that sometimes it's okay to just "blast those baby biceps every now and then, especially with male infants who do appreciate a more chiseled physique."

With Nadia's dramatic weight loss comes a wide array of health benefits. In fact, pediatric endocriniatrist Mort Fishman, a graduate of Moulin a Diplomes Medical College, couldn't be more pleased with her progress. "Morbidly obese infants face a number of health hurdles such as lipid plugged meridians, stagnant chi, angry liver, and phlegmatism. Nadia has none of these."

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Infant Formula Companies to Unveil New Line of Diet Products.....

Princeton, NJ-Mead Johnson, Nestle, and Ross Pediatrics, the three largest manufacturers of infant formula, today announced their plans to work together on a series of public service announcements aimed at increasing public awareness of the existence and benefits of breast milk alternatives.

Two-time international micro bantum division gold medalist Tux McSpeedo, shown here with humorous intention, is wearing a red singlet 
"There are many well established benefits to formula feeding," Enfamil representative Brooke Mayweather explains. "Formula is scientifically designed to provide infants with all the nutrition that they might need, and is a much better fit for the active lifestyle of today's on-the-go babies who don't necessarily appreciate being forced to rely on a caregiver for meals."

The planned announcements, which will air during the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship game on April 6th, will show a series of images of young infants engaged in a variety of activities such as tennis and water polo, non-athletic but equally involved undertakings like public speaking and city planning, as well as moments relaxing at the beach with their baby friends. The slogan, "For Fitness or Fun, Think Formula!", has been chosen to accompany these images. Jennifer Lopez has signed on as a celebrity spokesperson.

Mayweather further revealed that "Formula companies are first and foremost interested in promoting ways to help newborns and older infants live active and healthy lives. We are very concerned about the growing threat of infant obesity." This dedication to infant health has led to the formula companies' involvement with promoting infant exercise programs in an effort to stem the tide of this very serious problem. "Our studies show that this generation of babies will be the first to need size 5 diapers earlier than the one before it. We really have an opportunity to do something about this but people have to buy more formula."

The companies are planning to use these public service announcements as a platform for not only promoting awareness of the benefits of formula but also the unveiling their new lines of diet baby formulas. These new light formula products will have half the calories of conventional formula and will also be available in low-fat as well as a Atkins, Zone, South Beach, and Hollywood Miracle Diet varieties.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Experts Warn Parents of Dangers of Secondhand Gluten Exposure.....

Kenmore, WA- According to new research performed at Bastyr University and published in Online Publishing Module 415 - Fun Food Facts for Kids, passive exposure to airborne glutens in the home is linked to the early onset of a growing number of health problems. Some experts are now saying that there is no "safe" level of exposure to secondhand glutens.
"Some experts are now saying that there is no "safe" level of exposure to secondhand glutens."
 "We have long known that ingested gluten was a risk factor for a variety of complaints but only suspected that it may put others in the immediate area at risk," lead author and Naturopathic Doctor Lola Spring explained. "Our study has quite convincingly shown a link between exposure to airborne glutens and joint pain, skin problems, asthma, fatigue and mental fogginess."

As with secondhand smoke, children are especially vulnerable to toxic effects because they are often confined in enclosed spaces and unable to escape and notify authorities. The study followed more than 2,000 children aged 3 to 18 for a period of one year. During this time researchers measured the amount of gluten in the home using an infrared glutenometer while periodically performing specialized naturopathic diagnostic testing on study subjects for only $59.99. They found that children living in a home where both parents consume gluten on a regular basis were more likely to have problems and require the $99.99 Deluxe Treatment Package or DTP. Isn't the health of your damaged child worth at least forty dollars?
"Isn't the health of your damaged child worth at least forty dollars?"
The researchers were careful to avoid any confounding variables that might have otherwise explained the children's symptoms, such as whether they ate gluten themselves or were just assholes. According to Spring, all of the study participants were locked in a secure hutch for the duration of the study. "Each hutch was constructed of solid oak and had a one foot clearance off of the ground in order to avoid unintentional grounding which may have masked the ill effects of airborne glutens. And each hutch had a wire mesh view port through which ventilation and feeding could occur. I personally oversaw their construction. These were quality hutches!" Post-study interviews 6-months later revealed that the children continued to use their hutches when scared and desiring a safe haven to self-stimulate.
"I personally oversaw their construction. These were quality hutches!"
One of the medical grade hutches used by researchers in the groundbreaking study on secondhand glutens.
While experts like Dr. Spring are calling for the protection of children from secondhand glutens, and for parents who consume gluten to stop being so selfish, some are asking that caregivers and politicians avoid rushing to any conclusions based on the study.

"This is simply one study," Greg Stinson, the director of Gluten for America, a gluten-based Washington D.C. Think Tank explains. "These problems could be caused by a number of other factors. It's an extremely complicated issue that can't be reduced down to unproven scaremongering soundbites like gluten is an evil toxin that I'm paid to promote by a multi-national industry of food manufacturers ultimately controlled by a secret cabal pulling the strings from the shadows."
"...gluten is an evil toxin that I'm paid to promote by a multi-national industry of food manufacturers ultimately controlled by a secret cabal pulling the strings from the shadows."
Ultimately the issue of secondhand gluten comes down to a parents right to make choices about the health of their children. New York City lawmakers are already considering regulations on gluten ingestion in the workplace. Are laws that restrict a parents right to eat pasta in their own home next? Probably. I don't know. I just don't know.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

New Research on Wine Tasting Stumps Skeptics, Proves Psychic Intuition.....

Portland, OR- A new study out of the Institute for Paranormal Gustatory Experience, a Portland based organization that specializes in research on taste related psychic abilities, has revealed that some sensitive individuals can accurately predict the flavor profile of a wine prior to drinking it.

Study Subject 11B "Dale Southerland", shown here confirming the trace of burnt marshmallow and beaver anal gland secretion revealed by his psychogustative intuition
"The accuracy was uncanny," paranormal taste researcher Dr. Devon Dinkleshire explained. "They predicted cherry overtones, notes of peach and apricot, even hints of gooseberry that were later confirmed by a panel of Master Sommeliers.

Published in Online Publishing Module 792 - Anomalous Phenomena, Wine and based on ten years of blinded wine tastings, the groundbreaking paper proves that some individuals demonstrate psychogustative intuition. According to Dinkleshire, psychogustative intuition is experienced by a small minority of the population. "This should silence the so-called debunkers and naysayers that blindly attack proof of psychic phenomena!"

Each study subject was allowed to list up to 20 flavors or descriptive terms to describe the wine that they were about to taste. They noted each wines acidity, angularity, density and intellectual satisfaction in addition to more pedestrian descriptors like "bitter" and "like vinegar mixed with Welch's grape juice. These lists were then compared to a similar list produced by the Master Sommeliers on loan from a nearby Romano's Macaroni Grill. A positive test was declared when the descriptions were deemed equivalent by Dr. Dinkleshire.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Rediscovered Bylaw Grants NPR Ombudsman Ultimate Authority Over Life and Death.....

Washington, D.C.- After the recent rediscovery of a long forgotten bylaw, found inscribed on a marble tablet stuck behind a broken vending machine in the basement of their world headquarters in Washington, the position of NPR Ombudsman has been granted ultimate authority over employee life and death.

Terry Gross, host and executive producer of Fresh Air, shown here just prior to being drawn and quartered for speaking a bit too slowly during an interview
"The task of the NPR Ombudsman has always been to serve as the public's representative," current Ombudsman Elizabeth Jensen explains. "Independence is crucial in responding to criticism and questions about transparency or ethics at NPR. Equally important, and I've said this from day one, is the ability to have transgressors put to death in the courtyard at noon on Tuesdays."

The NPR Ombudsman receives thousands of inquiries from listeners every year, and is charged with addressing public complaints about programming choices and comments made by on-air staff, like Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! host Peter Sagal, who was recently executed after a fan of the show was offended by a joke about Vladimir Putin and a water buffalo. According to NPR CEO Jarl Mohn, complaints are actually down nearly 15% since the reinstatement of capital punishment in January, and morale is at an all-time high. "I think it's pretty clear that total compliance with the Ombudsman is imperative in running a successful media organization. I for one thinks that she needs another raise. Help me."

Friday, March 20, 2015

Former Miracle Baby Dies Without Accomplishing Much of Anything.....

Belvidere, NE- Former "miracle" baby and Belvidere native Grover Elkins died today having accomplished nothing of note and established no lasting impact on his community.

Grover Elkins, shown here in a pre-decomposed state, adding nothing to society
"I'll never forget the day he was pulled from that chicken coop," Maynetta Elkins, the mother of the deceased, explained. "Doc Fishman said he'd never seen anyone with injuries like that survive. We all sure thought that God had something special planned for Grover and I don't think it was working as assistant manager at a Dairy Queen for 25 years and then having a heart attack on the toilet."

After being dragged from a backyard sandbox by a coyote, the 9-month-old Elkins sustained countless puncture wounds and lacerations during the vicious mauling. Left for dead by the rabid canine, he was then dragged into the family chicken coop by a neighbor's dog. General practitioner Mort Fishman, who was called to the scene several hours later when the body was discovered, attempted CPR but failed to restore spontaneous breathing and circulation of blood. He was declared dead at the scene.

As Dr. Fishman was preparing Elkins' body for transport to the town corpsery, where it would be processed for the Ritual of Ascendance per town bylaws, the family physician heard a faint moan coming from inside the state issued body bag. "I quickly opened the bag and confirmed a weak and thready pulse. The bastard was alive! At the time, I assumed that he was the vessel for Tealeoni, our Benevolent Lord and Protector, or that he would at least go on to cure cancer or something."

Elkins' funeral was attended by his mother, although she stood far enough back so that people passing by wouldn't make the connection. His position at Dairy Queen was filled within hours of his passing. A letter he had written, meant to be published in Belvidere's local newspaper Ye Olde Nebraskian upon his death, was lost and replaced by an ad for town chiropractor Frank Grimes' Spring into Summer Subluxation Free event.

Chiropractor Frank Grimes is offering a full set of spinal xrays, leg length analysis and 5 minutes in the Cash Grab-O-Tron for only $59! Spring into Summer Subluxation Free!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Naturopathic Researchers Link 95% of Chronic Illness to Oxygen Consumption.....

Kenmore, WA- Results of a decade-long study by Naturopathic researchers at world renowned Bastyr University are revealing some surprising truths about the connection between chronic heath problems and early childhood exposures.

According to new research, genetically modified scrod, shown here next to a traditional New England dining baton, may not be to blame for most chronic diseases. 
"The Naturopathic philosophy was built on a foundation of uncovering the path to truth regardless of where it leads," Bastyr president Daniel Church explained. "We're pretty comfortable with uncertainty and with following the evidence, even when we don't like the results."

According to Naturopathic physicians, whose incomes are legally equivalent to the money earned by regular physicians according to the Internal Revenue Service, it has long been known that the vast majority of human ailments are caused by the toxic environment we live in and create within ourselves through dietary choices. Most practitioners, like Kenmore native and Naturopathic Elder Grip Whitley, tend to blame illness on a wide variety of modifiable risk factors like the overgrowth of yeast in the body, exposure to WiFi and eating genetically modified scrod. "Human health is increasingly complex, and our diagnostic repertoire has had to expand significantly over the years in order to satisfy today's modern patients."

But the new study, published in Online Publishing Module 419 - Naturopathic Studies (Miscellaneous), is leading the Naturopathic community to question that approach because it found that nearly 95% of all chronic medical problems can be linked causally to oxygen consumption. "According to Wikipedia, we know that oxygen is associated with seizures, lung injury and blindness," Whitley revealed. "We are literally rusting at the cellular level!"

The team of researchers at Bastyr, led by Grand Elder Rance Witherspoon, is now planning to shine the light of Naturopathic discovery on the roughly 5% of people who appear to be immune to the effects of oxygen exposure. "Our initial research, which consisted of a telephone and email survey of Washington residents, was fine for gaining a global perspective of health. But surveys are too imprecise to tease out the finer points of wellness." According to Witherspoon, in addition to a larger survey, phase two of their research will also include observations made by Bastyr students and pre-elders while on a field trip to the Macaroni Grill at nearby Alderwood Mall in Lynnwood as part of a Clinical Diagnosis Elective and Continuing Naturopathic Education course.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Bully Scientists Close to Mapping Nerd Genome.....

Rapid City, SD-In a historic announcement today, an international team of bully scientists have announced that they are close to completing a full map of the nerd genome.

Hyperdweeb Velma Dinkley, shown here working on the case of the oddly stiff sock. Shaggy would later confess and leave the team. Years later, over drinks and leftover Chinese food, the four remaining Mystery Incorporated members would laugh about it as they each swallowed a 9 gram capsule of secobarbital.
"Bullies all over the world should appreciate this milestone," team leader Dr. Joey "The Gooch" Edwards explained. "Once we fully understand the genetic building blocks of the nerd, we will be one step closer to understanding geeks, dweebs, goobs and the elusive hyperdweeb. Once that is accomplished, we may finally come to understand who we are and why we are here."

Not everyone appreciates the recent advances in bully science and its social implications, including powerful nerds and goobs like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg and Velma Dinkley. Gates revealed from his orbiting control center that "This is nothing but more bully propaganda being pushed on the American public under the guise of scientific progress." Dinkley added that "When fascism comes to America, it will migrate through polyacrylamide gel and give atomic wedgies!"