Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Trump Orders Nation's Schools to Form Ragtag Team of Misfits in Case of an Active Shooter.....

Washington, D.C.- In response to mounting concerns over school safety in the wake of the recent mass shooting in Florida, President Trump has issued an Executive Order mandating that all schools form a ragtag team of misfits, each with a unique skill, that could respond to emergencies involving an active shooter.

A team of unlikely heroes from Astoria Middle School, shown here just prior to thwarting the plans of an area crime family 

"You would only need a small team, with a nerd that's good with computers, a chemistry dweeb, an ugly girl who is attractive when you take off her glasses, a mysterious loner with a bad reputation who is secretly sensitive and shy, and maybe a fat kid who is really strong," Trump explained. "These kids are going to be total underdogs and nobody is going to expect them to succeed, but I think that they could end the attack very quickly."

In the order, Trump provided additional details to help schools put together a collection of outcasts in the event of an attack, pointing out several times that the girl on the team should just be movie ugly and not ugly ugly, and that she should have a nice set of hooters and a sweet can that you can really grab a hold of. But some experts, like pediatric trauma surgeon Mort Fishman, are expressing skepticism. "It's a promising idea, but there are some issues that need ironing out before implementation. Will the nerdy kid have a robot sidekick, for example? Will there be enough time for the team to make a plan and prepare their arsenal of traps and makeshift weapons or will they need a montage?"

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Controversial Super Bowl LII Ad Sparks Ethical Debate Over the Use of Deceased Celebrity Voices.....

Minneapolis, MN- On February 4th, 2018, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LII as over 100 million viewers watched from home or their favorite pub. In typical fashion when it comes to the yearly National Football League championship game, most people tend to discuss the commercials more so than the game itself after the dust has settled. This year is proving to be no exception, and an ethical debate stirred up by Amazon's now infamous Chimpanzee David Bowie ad will almost certainly continue into the foreseeable future.

An adult male Chimpanzee named Goliath, shown here contemplating his role in the downfall of human society, is slated for use as a conduit for the voice of Sarah Silverman

"I honestly didn't think anything of it at first," Black Mirror creator Charlie Booker explained from his orbiting satellite/keeping room. "I assumed it was a CGI chimp and some old recording of Bowie from an interview or something like that. I had no idea that was the real thing."

Booker, who has made a name for himself concocting suspenseful narratives where plausible near future technologies force viewers to examine their own values and explore potential societal pitfalls, wasn't alone. Surveys performed after the big game have shown that an overwhelming majority of viewers were unaware of the reality behind the ad for Amazon's new voice interface options for Alexa, their popular "intelligent personal assistant" technology. In the commercial, which stars Hollywood bad boy Adrien Brody as a fictional talented actor, a live chimpanzee can be seen running a variety of errands and speaking with the voice of David Bowie, who died from liver cancer in January of 2016.

What was kept hidden until now was just how Amazon developed the new Alexa voice options. According to a leaked memo, the process was the culmination of years of dedicated work capped off by recent advancements in 3D printing technology and veterinary surgery. The memo also revealed the names of celebrities and notable political figures short listed for inclusion in the Alexa update.

After disinterring Bowie's corpse, which Amazon owns the rights to, and locating the remnants of his decaying larynx, the research and development team created a model of the vocal apparatus in painstaking detail. Bowie's larynx was then 3D bioprinted using cutting edge biological polymers and surgically grafted into the throat of an adult male chimpanzee. After recovery from the surgery, the chimpanzee was trained to speak a few phrases on command in order to be used in the 30-second ad.

The leaked Amazon memo further details how thousands of chimpanzees will be fitted with various celebrity voice boxes in order to record phrases to be used by Alexa and then sold to zoos and individual collectors. Users will be be able to choose a celebrity voice for their Alexa at an added cost, with options ranging from the bargain bin to elite packages. For example, use of Adrien Brody's voice would likely be very inexpensive or perhaps even free, while purchasing BeyoncĂ©'s voice would likely cost hundreds of dollars. Options involving deceased celebrities would likely cost much more considering the technology required to produce them. Also chimpanzees don't exactly grow on trees, at least not until 2025 according to Amazon.

In addition to animal rights organizations, a number of extant celebrities are up in arms over the thought of having their voice used by Alexa and other future technologies after death. Some, like Hollywood bad boy Jared Leto, who will expire this Summer, are already planning a lawsuit. "The thought of some bored suburban housewife one day asking my disembodied voice to order more toilet paper is going to keep me up at night, at least until August 15th when the Collectors come for me. No, there isn't any point in trying to run. The tracker is lodged deep in my brain."

One potential use of the new voice technology that is unlikely to face legal challenge or ethical scrutiny is more personal. Alexa users will soon have the option of preserving the voice of a beloved family member, as long as their larynx isn't severely damaged by, I don't know, like a wolf or shotgun blast to the face or some shit like that. Who wouldn't, years after the death of their young child, for example, want to be able to ask them what the weather will be like today. I think that dead kid would probably be up in Heaven nodding approvingly. Because Heaven is real and it isn't too late to be saved.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Area Organization Highlights Subluxation Dangers to Promote Spinal Health Awareness.....

Nashville, TN- The Tennessee Chapter of the Universal Chiropractic Association (T-UCA) has announced plans to highlight the dangers of undiagnosed chronic spinal subluxations during their 2018 Spinal Health Awareness Week, which will run from May 14th though May 20th.

Agnes Grumph, a retired chiropractor from Knoxville and recipient of the T-UCA Lifetime Achievement award, will be sacrificed as tribute to the Innate during the Spinal Health Awareness Week closing ceremony

"The spinal subluxation is one of the most overlooked factors in poor health," chapter president Frank Grimes, DC explained. "You may go years, even decades, thinking that you are fine, and then one day it all falls apart. It makes obesity, smoking, and a sedentary lifestyle look like a day at a yoga retreat."

According to experts like Grimes, a spinal subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity. If present, these changes can influence organ system function and even general health by impairing the communication between the brain and every cell in the body. And general health has been implicated in a vast array of medical conditions, from musculoskeletal complaints like acute lower back pain to high blood pressure and even genital scrapies.

The theme of this year's Spinal Health Awareness Week is "Chiropractic - Spinal Subluxations Are Bad? Yes, They Are!" Grimes and the members of the T-UCA chapter hope to educate the public about the dangers of hidden subluxations and the benefit of frequent spinal health examinations starting from an early age. "It's always better to prevent a problem from happening in the first place than to wait until health begins to fail. And there is no better population to focus on than children because they can look forward to decades of optimum health under our care."

Spinal Health Awareness Week will take place at the T-UCA headquarters in Nashville, with a variety of fun and educational activities planned for each day of the event. Chiropractic practices from around Tennessee will take part, setting up booths for educational outreach and providing free food and drinks for visitors. Some local chiropractors will also take part in entertainment activities as well as the ritual sacrifice of Agnes Grumph, winner of the T-UCA award for Lifetime Achievement. The tribute of Grumph's vertebral column, spinal cord, and cerebrospinal fluid to the Innate will ensure another year of access to the healing power of chiropractic adjustments.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Pfizer Announces Expanded Line of Zithromax Cough and Cold Remedies.....

New York- The pharmaceutical company Pfizer has announced plans to release an expanded line of Zithromaximum over-the-counter cough and cold remedies inspired by their popular antibiotic Zithromax. The new products will complement the earlier rollout of Zithromaximum Cough Relief Sprinkles, which was the first cough medicine specifically designed to be sprinkled on Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

Aziz Ansari (shown here not sexually assaulting anyone) 

"Those money spewing flesh widgets just love Zithromax," Pfizer President and CEO Ian Reed explained. "It's the most popular antibiotic on the market for a reason. We've got focus groups where toddlers will ask for this stuff by name. Fucking toddlers, I shit you not! And the cough sprinkles? Huge! I'm talking boner pill huge."

According to Reed, consumers can expect to get the same kind of relief from their viral respiratory symptoms with an over-the-counter Zithromaximum product as they do when Zithromax is prescribed by a physician for a serious bacterial infection presenting with the exact same symptoms. He literally said that to me. And then we shook hands on it. And he looked me in the eye like a man.

Zithromax is a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, an older antibiotic that was discovered one day under a pile of rocks in the Philippines. It works by inhibiting bacterial growth through the disruption of protein synthesis. It has been one of the most popular antibiotics in America for over a decade, primarily prescribed to treat respiratory tract infections, chlamydia, and physician uncertainty. The new cough and cold products won't contain any actual Zithromax, which can only be obtained by prescription, but the word will be featured prominently on the label so that even a stupid kid can see it.

"The new products will give customers more control over the experience of their illness," Mort Fishman MD, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, explained. "These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors contained in a unique formulation. There just aren't any cough and cold products on the market that are more effective. Not one."

According to Fishman, the additions to the product line will include Zithromaximum-AM with Caffeine, Zithromaximum-PM with Benadryl, Zithromaximum Pain and Fever Relief with Tylenol, and Zithromaximum After Dark. "Zithromaximum After Dark will contain a proprietary blend of secret ingredients. I can't tell you what's in the blend exactly, but I can say that it's about 90% ground up tree frog." 

Monday, January 8, 2018

Olympics to Consider a Ban of Performance Enhancing Kinesiology Tape.....

Lausanne, Switzerland- Based on a recently completed scientific assessment of 2nd generation kinesiology tapes, and the advanced taping techniques developed since the 2012 Summer Olympic games, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering a total ban of performance enhancing tapes.

Haphazard application of modern kinesiology tape is the leading cause of death and loss of limb in elite athletes according to (remember to get the name of that expert from Jim).

"This is an issue that the committee is taking very seriously as the start of the games in PyeongChang nears," IOC President Dr. Thomas Bach explained. "Progress in taping technology over the past 6 years has caught us all a little off guard, and none of us want another Wheaties situation on our hands."

Most fans of the games are familiar with kinesiology tape, particularly after widespread use emerged during the 2012 London Summer Olympics. More primitive versions of kinesiology tape, and the rudimentary applications at the time, primarily served to aid in muscle recovery by improving lymphatic drainage and reducing inflammation. The latest applications actually appear to enhance athletic performance beyond what would have otherwise been humanly possible and is almost certainly what allowed so many unexpected results in Rio two years ago, such when Larry Anderson broke the record in the alternating tetrahedralon by 11 quods.

The IOC funded study has found that modern kinesiology taping methods, which work by connecting the tissue around muscles along a specific kinetic chain, results in performances closer to and even exceeding an individual competitor's innate potential. According to Dirk LaGrange, a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner, so-called "power taping" might even be dangerous in the wrong hands. "Inexperienced trainers, sometimes even the athletes themselves, are applying tape that is 180% more elastic with tighter weaving and stronger adhesive capability. Someone is going to get hurt."

Saturday, January 6, 2018

8th Edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program to Address Ankyloglossia.....

Itasca, IL- In response to a request from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding and Baby-Friendly USA (BFUSA), the next edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program (NRP) will include recommendations on the diagnosis and management of ankyloglossia.

"Resuscitation of the newborn is nuanced and multifaceted," certified lactation counselor and BFUSA Board of Directors Chair Theresa Landau explained. "We aren't asking for there to be a delay in providing effective ventilation, at least not yet, but the evidence is overwhelmingly clear that breastfeeding provides optimal nutrition and should be encouraged at every step of the process."

As part of the upcoming 8th edition of the program, which is jointly sponsored by the AAP and the American Heart Association, a new lesson module will cover the basics of assessing for the presence of a lingual frenulum, or "tongue-tie", as well as any restriction in the movement of the tongue. If it is determined that a baby requires help with initiating breathing, typically done by inflating the lungs with the use of a manual resuscitator bag, then corrective measures should be considered. The most common corrective measure for ankyloglossia, a procedure known as a frenotomy, involves using sterile scissors to snip the excessively tight frenulum. This has been shown in some studies to be associated with improvements in breastfeeding in a percentage of the participants.

(M)ask adjustment
(R)eposition airway
(S)uction mouth and nose
(O)pen mouth
(P)ressure increase
(A)lternative airway
("MR.SOPAF" mnemonic for corrective steps during resuscitation from the NRP 8th edition)

Several additional changes to the NRP guidelines will further support breastfeeding. These will include maintaining direct skin-to-skin contact between the newborn and mother while placing an endotracheal tube and offering counseling on the benefits of breastfeeding over infant formula during the first minute after delivery of all infants born at less than 32-weeks gestation. Some experts, like Bobak Ghaheri, MD, a surgeon who specializes in laser-frenotomy in breastfeeding newborns, think that the new guidelines don't go far enough. "Pediatricians are idiots if they think that we should be waiting until birth to manage ankyloglossia!"

It is not uncommon for new editions of the NRP to include major changes. Based on mounting evidence against the practice, the prior update recommended against routine tracheal suctioning of non-vigorous newborns when the amniotic fluid is found to contain meconium, which is the medical term for an infants first stool. According to AAP President Fernando Stein, MD, FAAP, pediatricians will likely be quick to adopt the latest guidelines as well. "Pediatricians care for children who are developing, who are rapidly achieving new milestones as they age. You might say that we are experts in change."

Friday, January 5, 2018

Where Are They Now?: Celebrity Pet Psychic Loora Finchly.....

Los Angeles, CA- There was a time when internationally known pet psychic Loora Finchly couldn't walk down the street in Los Angeles without being recognized by the pets of the rich and famous. These days, rather than counseling Paris Hilton after an argument with her teacup Pomeranian, Finchly can usually be found sitting in Grand Park talking to squirrels. And not LL Cool J's squirrels either. Just regular squirrels.

A regular squirrel, shown here with nothing particularly interesting at all to say about anything

"I once got a phone call from a dog handler in the Kennedy administration after Pushinka growled at little Caroline," Finchly explained. "Now that dog knew some things, but he made me promise not to tell. It's one of my biggest regrets. Maybe if I had, he wouldn't have been...."

Finchly's gift was put to use by presidents, kings, and Hollywood celebrities. Even NASA called her when Enos, who would become the first chimpanzee in space, kept having nervous diarrhea during training. But the call she remembers most was one she never actually received. "I knew that my star had fallen when the heptapods came in 2016 and they called a linguist...a God damned linguist!"

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

2020 ACLS Guidelines to Include Kinesio Tape.....

Dallas, TX- A preliminary report from the American Heart Association (AHA) has revealed the likely inclusion of Kinesio Taping in the 2020 advanced cardiac life support (ACLS) updated guidelines, and some experts are even recommending early adoption.

Appropriate color and placement of Kinesio Tape, as shown here, can stabilize the chest wall and increase the effectiveness of chest compressions 

"We review the most current medical literature every 5 years in order to keep our ACLS guidelines and educational materials as up to date as possible," AHA President John Warner MD explained. "Our focus has always been on establishing a foundation of basic lifesaving skills, quality CPR, team dynamics and communication, and the recognition and treatment of life-threatening medical emergencies."

One of the most important aspects of advanced life support is also one of its most basic. When a patient's heart isn't functioning properly, cardiopulmonary resuscitation, commonly referred to as CPR, can partially restore the flow of oxygenated blood to the heart and brain with the application of deep compressions of the chest. It may be a basic component of ACLS, but that doesn't mean that CPR is simple to perform correctly.

Proper chest compressions require a significant amount of downward force in order to squeeze blood from the heart and throughout the body, and it needs to be done frequently to be effective. Experts such as Mort Fishman MD, an intensive care physician at Northern Mount St. Deaconess Memorial Health Center in Livingston, MT, have seen providers experience fatigue and muscle cramping that can interfere with quality compressions. "We've suspected for years that Kinesio Tape might play a role in compressions, stabilizing the chest wall and augmenting the force provided by an emergency responder, and I use it in my unit. In my opinion, we shouldn't be waiting for the go-ahead from the AHA to standardize its use."

Widespread adoption will likely occur in 2020 when the next ACLS update is set to be released. That's because mounting evidence is supporting what Fishman and many paramedics and emergency medical technicians have known for years. "A patient in my ICU isn't dead until they're taped and dead."

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Kraft Heinz Announces New Sleep Support Lunchables.....

Fullerton, CA- In response to a growing body of research on the benefits of adequate sleep for developing children, and the nap time frustration increasingly experienced by parents, The Kraft Heinz Company has announced the development of new Sleep Support Lunchables.

A toddler, shown here achieving a peaceful and restorative sleep with the help of Sleep Support Lunchables
"Since 1989, busy parents around the world have turned to Lunchables prepackaged meals," Kraft Heinz Chairman Alex Behring explained. "Instead of thinking of our product as simply a time-saving miracle, concerned caregivers will soon come to rely on our Sleep Support product line to improve the overall health and well-being of their children by helping them to catch a few valuable extra z's."

Sleep Support Lunchables will come prepackaged with the same variety of foods and food-like substances that kids have tolerated for years. But according to Dr. Mort Fishman, a pediatric sleep expert and medical consultant for Kraft Heinz, the new boxes will also contain sleep promotion educational material. "Teaching kids about proper sleep hygiene is important, especially now that electronic screens have become such a prevalent sleep hazard. Also every serving of the pudding contains 25 mg of Benadryl."

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Lego Group Unveils New Lego Naturals® Product Line.....

Billund, Denmark- The Lego Group, makers of the world's most popular brand of construction toys, has announced the production of a new line of Lego Naturals® products in response to growing concerns from health conscious and environmentally aware parents.

An eco-friendly model of the Sydney Opera House built with Lego Naturals® construction bricks
"Parents are doing their research and have expressed many concerns about both the environmental impact of discarded Lego pieces and possible adverse health effects from exposure to our products," Niels Jacobson, Chairman of The Lego Group, explained. "I'm confident that they will be pleased with our efforts."

Lego Naturals® will be manufactured using only organic wood and plant pulps, and without plastics, artificial colors, or chemical hardening agents. Durability of the individual pieces will be somewhat decreased according to Jacobson. "We are advising customers to consider these as single use, 100% biodegradable products because the slightest bit of atmospheric humidity, even just the natural oils of the human fingers, will cause significant decomposition within minutes of exposing the individual pieces to the environment. This will limit the versatility of the toys but not the imagination of the young child."