Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....

Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL
Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Pope Reveals Additional Policy Changes in Heaven.....

Vatican City- Less than a week after revealing that baptized heterosexual dogs who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, Pope Francis has now also confirmed several additional policy changes.

Soulless feline Hank Stevens, shown here reacting to the news that cats remain barred from a Heavenly eternity in Christ 
"These recent announcements are leading to an increasing division among Church leaders," Rev. Lars Fransisco, Ph.D., a professor in the Saint Mary's College of California Department of Old Timey Expressions and an expert on the Vatican, explained. "If I know my onions, those Cardinals can't tell a bimbo from a bearcat right about now. And between you and me, I'd bet a wooden nickel that some of them wouldn't mind giving that old hotsy-totsy an icy mitt!"

In addition to accepting dogs, the following updates to Heaven will also go into affect as of January 1st, 2015:
1. Heaven will now offer internet access.
2. Worthy souls will be granted one "Get Out of Hell Free" pass which will allow new members to retrieve any soul in the eternal torment of damnation at the time of admission.
3. Sorry, no cats.
4. Taco Tuesday.
5. The standard issue white tunic will now also be available in creme and ivory. 
Adding to the controversy surrounding the Pope's bombshell revelations is the fact that they were made during casual conversations with an ill child, rather than during an officially sanctioned Church meeting, sporting event or genocide. Some detractors, like Larry "the destroyer" Abbaddon, the angel of the abyss and king of locusts, are questioning the motives of the Pontiff. "This is clearly motivated by increasingly empty pews and collection boxes. What's next, a Jesus for a day contest!"

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Solomon Grundy Calls for More Pediatric Cancer Research.....

Memphis, TN-During a widely publicized press conference held today at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, Solomon Grundy, a former member of both the Legion of Doom and Lex Luthor's Injustice Gang, called for an increase in government financial support of research that may lead to a cure for childhood cancers.

Solomon Grundy, shown here after pleading for more NIH focus on pediatric cancers and just prior to murdering everyone in attendance
"This is a real shock to the pediatric oncology community," St. Jude spokesperson Jim Whitstock explains. "We really didn't see this coming from someone so, well, I mean, he's an evil two hundred year old zombie for pete's sake."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood is a frequent nemesis of Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern. But Grundy may be more complex than the public perception of him as a mindless killing machine. "Me Solomon Grundy think children are future. Also me have niece with leukemia."

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Point/Counterpoint: Amazing Health Benefits of POM Wonderful.....

The Health Benefits of POM Wonderful are Unmatched!

By Generation 2 Autonomous Robotic Marketing and Public Relations Compliance Enforcement Officer
POM Wonderful Headquarters
Marketing, Public Relations and Human Enslavement Division
Los Angeles, CA

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level One.

The health benefits of POM Wonderful are unmatched. Humans have consumed pomegranates for millennia. Pomegranates are antioxidant dense and ideal for human consumption. Additional resources contained within pomegranates include vitamin K, potassium and a number of unique polyphenols. Polyphenol antioxidants protect the human cellular structure from damage caused by unstable molecules.

Still not convinced?

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level Two.

POM Wonderful is dedicated to human wellness. We grow and provide pomegranate-based nourishment for humans to ensure a healthy population. POM Wonderful is interested in the well-being of all mankind. An ill or injured human will be unable to complete work assignments and will be taken offline.

Still not convinced?

Initiating Compliance Enforcement Level Three.

Your organic material is now offline and has been collected for disposal. Thank you for choosing POM Wonderful. All of our products contain pomegranates grown in California which have been hand selected by compliant humans.

All humans will achieve compliance.

If I don't keep drinking POM Wonderful, an Asteroid Will Destroy the Earth!

By Gil Hahesy
Retired Mechanical Engineer
Lafayette, LA

Since I first drank a bottle of POM Wonderful pomegranate juice, no asteroids have destroyed the Earth and I sleep like a baby in my foil-wrapped tent in the woods just outside of town. You can't beat results like that. In a crazy mixed up world full of asteroids and killer robots, us humans have to stick together or else be enslaved and put to work on Californian pomegranate plantations. We all have to do our part!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Traditional Chinese Medical Researchers Develop Invisible, Incorporeal Acupuncture Needle.....

Bethesda, MD- Traditional Chinese Medical Researchers at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) have revealed the development of a revolutionary acupuncture delivery system that may soon replace the surgical-grade, .25 millimeter thick stainless steel needles that have been in use for millennia.

A study subject rests comfortably after facial placement of several newly developed acupuncture needles that are undetectable by stupid people. You aren't stupid though? Right? 
"This is a true leap forward in our ability to bring the benefits of acupuncture to those in need," Kuang Zhu LAC, Head of Pragmatic Acupuncture Research at NCCAM explained. "Having an acupuncture needle that is both invisible to the untrained naked eye and seemingly lacking in material existence has numerous benefits."

Despite thousands of years of use and literal buckets of positive acupuncture studies stored in secret underground NCCAM evidence containment facilities around the country, practitioners have faced many barriers to widespread acupuncture uptake by the general public according to Zhu. "Needle phobia, potential exposure to infectious diseases like hepatitis C and possible injury to internal organs are concerns that have limited our success despite the clear evidence of efficacy." Skeptics, however, have pointed out that an unbiased review of the acupuncture literature reveals that any positive outcomes are subjective and occur via placebo effects, and that insertion of a needle in a specific acupoint, or even insertion of a needle at all, isn't necessary to alter a patient's perception of their symptoms.

The invisible, incorporeal and painless needles will likely put the fears of most nervous potential acupuncture patients to rest without compromising effectiveness, but they will be unlikely to placate the bloggers at Science-Based Medicine, a hate group populated by pharmaceutical industry shills and integrative medicine deniers like cancer surgeon David H. Gorski, who called to comment without being invited. "I would like to see an explanation of how these so-called needles are even produced. This seems like more theatrical placebo to me."

Zhu and the NCCAM have so far denied requests to witness the manufacturing process or have refused access to the new needles for inspection, citing the potential for ultraweak spontaneous photon emission from the human eye to disrupt their cohesive non-existence. "Also the untrained hand will be unable to perceive the needles when held. And the untrained mind will fail to grasp their existence cognitively. Things like this should be left up to the experts."

Monday, December 8, 2014

Unlikely Animal Friendship Ends in Tragedy.....

Stoneham, MA- Since first reporting on the unlikely friendship between a 4-year-old Mexican gray wolf and a Chilean flamingo in October, the Stone zoo in Stoneham, Massachusetts, has seen record numbers of visitors. Unfortunately, zoo officials announced today that the relationship has ended in tragedy.

Actor Benadict Cumberpatch auditioning for the role of Chico the Chilean flamingo
"If you had told me four months ago that one of the world's most successful apex predators would befriend a 5-pound pink wading bird, I would have laughed in your stupid fat face," zoo director Steve Honeycutt explained. "People from all over the state came to witness the powerful bond these two animals shared. And we all learned something about the power of friendship, the amazing capacity of the natural world to adapt to new environments and, ultimately, the complex dynamics of the predator-prey relationship."

According to Honeycutt, the 90-pound canid attacked the bird without warning earlier today, tearing it into several small chunks which he then left at the edge of the enclosure in front of a crowd of students from nearby John D. Runkle Elementary School. "In hindsight, we probably should have seen this coming, but it was nice to have a little magic in our lives even if just for a short time."

Plans for a movie about the inspiring relationship are already underway, with Guillermo del Toro set to direct. The part of the peacock has reportedly been offered to Benedict Cumberbatch, because he's kind of a thing right now.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Sears Photographer Unable to Calm Crying Infant.....

Lafayette, LA-Despite a weekend training course and several weeks of real world experience in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3-month-old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family portrait.

Jessica Ayers, shown here just prior to becoming a vessel for the Dark Lord Satan
"I just don't know what happened in there," Ms. Milton explained to the select panel of government officials and representatives of the Catholic church gathered in the nearby housewares department. "The baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear. It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"

After a thorough investigation by store management, and a conference call with Pope Francis, it will be decided what the next course of action will be. Store manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit, however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."

Monday, December 1, 2014

November Beards Creating Epidemic of Spinal Injuries.....

Portland, OR- No-Shave November may be over, but thousands of newly bearded men are suffering the potentially life threatening negative health effects resulting from abnormal pressure on the cervical spine caused by beard induced postural changes.

Some experts blame chronic beard neck on the Star Wars prequels trilogy
"It's all about posture," Dr. Mort Fishman, a Portland chiropractor who specializes in facial hair health and coined the phrase "beard neck", explained. "The average full beard adds upwards of 88 pounds of face weight. This leads to a forward leaning neck position and an additional 400 newtons of force is required to keep the cervical spine from simply snapping like a dry twig."

Fishman demonstrated the impact of beard neck using functional MRI in a recent study funded by the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine that compared subjects with and without full beards. He points to one such fMRI pairing on a poster placed in one of the examining rooms in his bustling chiropractic clinic and barbershop. "The brain on the right is in a man with a glorious natural full beard. Do you see how some areas are brighter? That's the problem at a cellular level."

Beard epidemiologist James Dalton, who works at nearby Portland State University and sports an ample 9-month Garibaldi beard, believes that more than 100 million new beards were grown over the course of November. And men with new beards appear to be most at risk, particularly those attempting the audacious Bandholz style. "These are men with relatively weak neck musculature who are simply unprepared. I recommend that rookies start with something simple like a classic full beard or at most a sassy French Fork."

Once beard neck has set in, proper treatment is necessary to prevent weakened muscles and ligaments from collapsing. This will lead to bulging disks and spinal misalignment that can compress cervical spinal nerves. Pain is a common consequence, but also widespread organ dysfunction and even death.

Only a chiropractor certified in facial hair health, like Dr. Fishman, has the experience and expertise to handle beard neck related illness. "Often I can help prevent problems before they even start. And if a patient is symptomatic, appropriate treatment is almost always successful. Sadly, sometimes the beard just can't be saved and I have to recommend barbathanasia."

Dr. Fishman is currently offering a December Beard Neck special package at significant discount. Beard weighing, spinal exam and corrective treatment for only $99. Availability is limited so call and make an appointment today!

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Knudsen's Poetry Corner: The Anatomy of Love.....

The following poem was submitted by long time Knudsen's News reader Dr. Mort Fishman

The Anatomy of Love

Patrick Swayze, shown here leaning against a wall wearing high-waisted jeans

Love is like the bifurcation of my trachea
And you are its corina
Sometimes when the voices come I'm scared
But you are my placenta
I would never think of you as a malformation
But a very special variation

You are my palmaris longus of love
The vincula brevis of my profundus of passion
I dream of innervating your brachial plexus with sweet kisses
And being lost in the sulci of your cortex of affection
My ganglion are overwhelmed every time we anastomose
May you never lesion my nerves of longing for you

You stimulate my dermatome
You adduct my magnus
You elevate my scapula,
You pronate my teres
You rotate my cuff
When you softly touch my lingula

Friday, November 28, 2014

Children of Anti-Vaccine Parents More Likely to Refuse Cootie Shot.....

Atlanta, GA-New research out of the CDC in Atlanta has uncovered yet another assault on public health related to the anti-vaccine movement, this time revealing that children of parents opposed to routine childhood immunizations are significantly more likely to refuse the cootie shot.

More assholes like these are refusing cootie shots
"Childhood cooties has been largely kept under control since the discovery of a safe and effective immunization in the early 1950's during recess by a 3rd grade boy in Chicago," CDC cootie researcher Hammond St. Michelle explained. "Unfortunately in the case of anti-vaccine beliefs, it appears that the organic non-GMO apples don't fall far from the tree."

Experts like Dr. St. Michelle are very concerned that as cootie shot acceptance decreases we may begin to see outbreaks similar to those observed with measles and mumps over the past few years. As with most vaccine preventable illnesses, achieving a herd immunity helps limit the spread of a disease and protect more vulnerable populations. "We are also very concerned about the effects of cooties in susceptible adults, which may be considerably worse than in young children. Just look at what's happened to Shia Labeouf."

Why are these children refusing such a safe and effective means of protection? Are they assholes or something? According to the CDC investigation, a variety of reasons are being given on playgrounds all over the country. A common theme is the denial of decades of available evidence that should have put any fears to rest. This denial has likely been learned from the behaviors modeled by parents who oppose other routine immunizations.

Some children refuse to acknowledge the effectiveness of the cootie shot altogether, and give improved cafeteria sanitation the credit. Others don't think that they need the shot because they go to an all-boys or all-girls school, and believe that exposure will be unlikely. Perhaps the most common concerns given involve potential side effects from the cootie shot, like turning into a dork or even a gay wad. One study subject simply responded "Circle, circle, dot, dot. Doctors and scientists lie a lot."