Monday, June 27, 2016

Experts Warn of Looming Peak in Conference Speaker Availability.....

Vancouver, BC-Citing a steady increase in the number of popular science and technology "idea conferences" over the past several years, industry experts fear that we may soon reach a peak in the capability of humanity to provide speakers.

This large potted plant, shown here being mistaken for a speaker at TEDxSanAntonio, has a book coming out in the Fall.

"Computer models have consistently put peak speaker somewhere in the early part of next decade," TED curator Chris Anderson explained. "That's the point where the maximum extraction rate of speakers is reached, after which we enter a decline from which we can't recover. By 2050, there just won't be any people left who haven't already spoken at one of our conferences. At that point, we'll become cannibals as the remnants of our species struggle to survive the breakdown of society and culture."

Many are placing the blame for the looming shortage of conference participants on the rapid expansion of quality conferences, the most egregious example being TEDx. Expansion, it is believed, is diluting the international pool of interesting speakers. Designed to foster a conversation about a variety of new ideas in individual communities, it quickly became clear that the bar for TEDx acceptance was set far too low in order to fill an ever increasing number of speaking slots.

"The original focus of TED and similar conferences was to encourage the sharing of "ideas worth spreading," sociologist Leather Handsome revealed. "With the development of extensions like TEDx, conference attendees are lucky to hear ideas with vowels. Seriously, one guy just grunted for ten minutes at TEDxOslo."

With thousands of these independently organized TED-like events taking place every year in numerous countries, and more popping up all the time, conferences have been forced to come up with new strategies. Many, particularly those in larger cities, are simply expanding the range of topics that are covered to include less conventional ideas, such as alternative medicine, self-help, and VCR repair. Some have been forced to try passing former speakers off as new by using a different name and having them put on a fake mustache.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

New Mouse Study Sheds Light on Human Love of Cheese.....

San Diego, CA- Scientists at the Scripps Research Institute have announced the surprising findings of a year-long investigation into a complex human behavior using the latest technological advances in murine modelling.

Study subject CM-411 "Sir Wiggletail" shown here eating a small cheese wedge and wearing a hat his wife made for him

"We literally ran thousands of trials using hundreds of live mice," lead researcher Hammock Lampshade explained. "After a brief exposure combining study variables, we began to see a pattern emerge that was incredibly consistent. Based on our findings, it is safe to conclude that humans love eating cheese and will repeatedly run through a maze to acquire more. But the research goes much deeper than just that."

Years of anecdotal observations have consistently revealed an apparent connection between humans and coagulated milk curds, sometimes referred to as cheese, or more commonly in Europe and non-Europe not-America, as hardsycurdsy. The varieties of cheese developed over the decades since its discovery one day just sitting there in an old milk bucket on a New Hampferdshire dairy farm, are staggering. If you've ever had pizza or Hardsycurdsy pie, you have had cheese.

Until now, research looking into human consumption of cheese has been sparse and superficial. Scientists have been trying to gain insight into our seemingly hardwired infatuation ever since President Bill Clinton begged the scientific community to unlock the mysteries of cheese during his penultimate term in office. Is it a neurological disorder, or perhaps simply an epigenetically imprinted instinct passed down from our cheese eating prosimian ancestors?

The observation that our love of cheese has developed into such a wide variety of phenotypes has always suggested that it is caused by the combined interactions between multiple regions of the brain. The amygdala probably serves as a neural linchpin, but the most widely recognized expressions of the human passion for cheese, such as grated Parmesan on a plate of meatballs or sliced mozzarella on a Caprese salad, are believed to originate in the orbital frontal cortex (OFC) and the ventromedial striatum (VMS). These areas of the brain are in charge of decision making and volitional activity as well as our experience of fear and response to the perception of risk. In functional MRI studies, when a waiter asked subjects to "say when" as he began to dump shredded Parmesan into the their open mouths, the OFC and VMS moved a little.

To tease out these neural pathways, and how their malfunction may have resulted in the invention of fondue, the Scripps researchers turned to a new technology called olfactogenetics. After developing a viral conveyance for a sequence of genetic code that results in the production of olfactory neurons sensitive to the scent of strong cheese and shoe store loaner socks, they injected it into the brains of lab mice. This genetic modification caused the mice to develop extreme sensitivity to these particular odors.

"When we triggered the olfactory stimulation, we expected to see an increase in abnormal behavior," Lampshade revealed. "Would the mice demonstrate merely an increased attraction to cheese? An obsession? Would they traverse a cleverly designed maze if a lump of cheese was placed at the other end? Would they murder each other for just a tiny sliver? After several days of exposure for a few minutes each day, we began to see an interesting pattern emerge."

According to the team, the mice had been neurologically poked in such a way as to cause an intense love of cheese. Even after the mice were returned to the prison population, they continued to experience cravings that lasted for over a week. Some of the mice had to be given a cheese taper in order to wean them without severe withdrawal symptoms. Sadly, one mouse took her own life by hurling herself into the path of Snuggles, the lab's psychic death cat.

The team's findings have expanded our understanding a great deal, particularly regarding why some humans can go for long periods of time without significant cheese consumption and then, often after a psychosocial stressor such as a bad day at work or the unexpected conclusion of a romantic relationship, consume large quantities in a single sitting. But are humans born with the potential for these events, or does repeated normal exposure establish a pattern of brain neurochemistry that is primed over time. Future research into these questions is already being planned.

This research also expands our concept of the underlying neural connections behind the desire for cheese, and may be the first step in the development of drugs that specifically target cravings in people diagnosed with Obsessive Cheese Desire (OCD). OCD is widely regarded as one of the more prevalent food obsession disorders and likely plays a role in some people being fat and gross. A pharmaceutical option that reduces the need for deep-brain scrapings (DBS) would probably be welcomed by the aforementioned gross fatties if they could stop eating cheese for five minutes.

The deepest mysteries of OCD remain, however. Unless you are advocating drilling into the heads of patients with the disorder to see if there is actual cheese up in there, and what kind of cheese it is, we may never find answers to all of these questions. Still, drills are cheap and plentiful and OCD sufferers may just be desperate enough to agree to it if publicly shamed.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Wendy's to Introduce Naturally Formed French Fries.....

Dublin, OH- In an effort to win over increasingly health conscious American diners, the Wendy's fast food restaurant chain will begin offering naturally formed french fries in select West Coast locations this Summer.
All Wendy's naturally formed fries are made from organic Idaho russet potatoes each individually hugged by kittens right up until harvest 
"We took the fast food world by storm with our natural-cut fries back in 2011," Wendy's founder Dave Thomas's official corporeal vessel and Vice President of Postmortal Communications Brabara Bloodstone explained. "People don't just want high quality ingredients that their grandmother would have had in her kitchen, or that were concocted in some laboratory on Skull island. They want to know that what they are eating has a genuine connection with nature that is maintained right up until they shove handfuls of it down their gullets, barely even taking the time to chew more than once or twice."

According to Marketing Control Program 10.1, Wendy's naturally formed fries will revolutionize the fast food experience because at no point in their journey from "spud to sphincter" will they be processed in any way. In fact, they won't even be touched by human hands at all. "All of our fries will be compassionately collected by trained non-GMO monkeys only after all-natural elements, such as wind and water, have eroded the potato into bite size chunks, but before it has become unpalatable due to mushiness and rot." 

Wendy's naturally formed fries will be priced a stone's throw from what customers are comfortable paying for their current fries, coming in at just under $10 per fry. Customers can also personally select which individual fries they would like to be placed in Wendy's new Native American Dreambasket™ as well as which artisinal dipping sauce they would like hand painted onto their fries by area art students, homeless people, and homeless art students. All fries will be lightly coated in Dead Sea salt and prayed over by Latvian monks for a minimum of 6 weeks.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Biohacking Your Way to True Health.....

Mitch Rangler
Fully apprenticed Nutritionologist, Presdent and CEO of The Health Patrol, shown here pointing his feelings

Everywhere you look these days, people are biohacking. But what is biohacking and what can it do for you? Just give you true health, that's what! And if anyone is already thinking up some lame excuse, I have a rabbit punch just for you. A rabbit punch of truth. Besides, biohacking is so easy that any fathead can do it. Even you!

Biohacking is so easy, any fathead can do it!

When you take biology and hack it, you are biohacking. With biohacking, you can change your body and your life from the inside. Like how I eat tapioca every day to smooth out lumpy stools or when I breathe so that I won't die. Biohacking!
Biohack your body with every breath!
Looking for more advanced biohacking, like those people on the television, in that show with all of the ethnics? With my help, you can revolutionize your body down to the molecular level. You'll be able to change your personal genetic blueprint without leaving your house, apartment, or retirement community. That'll show your no good son for just leaving you at that dump one rainy Sunday like the time I drove a homeless man deep into the woods and chained him to a stump.
I don't have a son. Not anymore!
What if I told you that you were only one self-addressed stamped envelope away from the amazing world of biohacking? Still not convinced? You will be after you read my guide to quick and effortless biohacking!
Biohacking!
Biohacking allows you to take control of your own biology, and it couldn't be simpler. Using medical, nutritional, physical, or electronic interventions, you will wake up every day ready to take on the world. Food will taste better. Water will feel wetter. You'll have limited telekinetic powers. 
Confused? Scared? Curious? That's stupid. I hate stupid people more than I hate Milton Butts for winning the election for social director. What was his big idea again? Movies? Any baked potato with two thumbs can set up a damn projector. I'll take my creamed spinach in the solarium and leave the show business to that clown.
You may already be biohacking and not even know it. That's right! Here a few common everyday examples:

Examples!
1. Taking A calmative to help relax at the end of a long day, or a refreshing caffeine enema before an important job interview.
2. Surgically hooking a Fitbit to your neuroendocrine system in order to measure erectile torque. Mine is eleven. Well it's at least ten. Fine, it's five on most days but it reached nine that time I found a Mamie Van Doren poster at the flea market.
3. Using hypnosis to get over your fear of opening the bathroom door one day and finding your ex-wife just standing there like the last 30 years never happened. I'm too emotionally crippled? I told her I wasn't the kind of man that understands human emotion during the ceremony!
 Essentially, biohacking is a holistic approach to body maintenance mostly based on the idea that what goes into the body impacts how we feel. Optimizing the input can unleash our output and synergize any backwards overflow. You'll experience better mood, improved recall, heightened senses and the ability to pass through solid objects like walls or a 1998 Buick Skylark.


Biohacking is based on ideas and experiences!
Since our aquatic primate ancestors first crawled out of the ocean, we have sought to change our bodies. It’s a fundamental aspect of humanity. Otzi, a 5,000 year old frozen mummy, was discovered possessing a kit full of herbs and even a copper axe. That's some amazing biohacking!
Was Otzi a cyborg? Some people think so. Other people just see the use of tools and medicine as a natural extension of modern technology. Regardless, humans have been improving their bodies since the beginning of time. Thanks to recent advances in technology, it’s now easier to do that than ever before.

Mummified human Otzi, shown here staring intently into a camera

Quick and Effortless Biohacking Basics for Daily Living Success!

1. Standing up straight

Research in actual scientific laboratories has shown that for every inch off of perfect posture your brain and spinal cord experience an additional kilogram of deceleration force. Most people are caught in a vicious cycle of slow-onset decapitation. Every time they look down at a phone or up at a stupid cloud they are one step closer. You don't want your head to just fall off one day when you least expect it? 

2. Improve your nutrition

97% of people don't eat enough hexylmethylbananamino acids in the form of fermulated puddings and animal leavings. And yet they wonder why so many people are diagnosed with cancer now compared to 250 years ago.  

3. Be one with nature

Sitting on a bench at the park has been proven to result in living longer. Just go to the park and look at the people sitting on benches. See! They are really old.

4. Eat wild foods 

Hunting and gathering your foods is an amazing biohacking experience. If you see a carrot just sitting there, take it. Is that a pineapple tree? Conquer it. If it isn't nailed down, it's yours for the grabbing. And that includes Martha Lemmon's pie on the windowsill of 7A. If she doesn't want me taking it, she should put it in a pie cupboard like a decent Christian woman!

5. Drink unprocessed water from random bodies of water

The benefits of scavenging for liquid water should be obvious to anyone with even a non-European training in health and wellness. Processing of water leeches out numerous moleculoids that are better served in our bodies. And if anyone tells you to boil it first, tell them to go to Hell. That means you Scout Master Chuck. I won't let you win! I won't let you ruin the years I have left! I just won't! I....I can't.

6. Breathe fresh natural air 

I've said it before, but there is nothing more powerful for biohacking the human body than breathing. With every breath your body rejuvenates its core and expels toxic essences. So go deep into the uncharted wild lands of the world and breathe. Just breathe. Don't tell anyone where you'll be. They won't understand. 
7. Natural light

There is nothing worse you can do for your body than to expose yourself to synthetic light. Synthetic light found in bulbs and vacuum sealed canisters  is a carcinogen and a poor replacement for whale oil. Nothing beats whale oil. I don't usually endorse products, but Frisky Sailor brand whale oil burns longer and brighter than any other because the whales suffer before they die.

8. Get a new attitude

Biohacking your mind is just as important as biohacking your body. The next time you feel like your attitude needs adjusting, go out and sit on the nearest park bench, soak up the natural sunlight, and breathe some filtered Alaskan pouch air. You can order pouch air from a variety of amazing sources on my online store. Every third pouch costs double but the third pouch is usually the best one. 
9. Biohack with music

That's right, music. Science has proven that music causes changes in the electrical activity in our brains. And your brain is one of the top ten organs in your entire body. So unless you are comfortable sticking your finger in an electric socket, try listening to music at least once an hour.

10. Miscellaneous biohacking tips

-Start a journal to log your feelings and bowel movements. Look for hidden relationships between them. Really focus on patterns that emerge and develop a novel theory on the connections you discover. Then tell the world! Make them listen. Make them all listen.
-Write letters to a random person. Find out as much as you can about them and write letters to their family, friends, and coworkers. Include pictures of yourself standing outside their home or their child's school.
-Drink coffee mixed with chicken fat in a 1:1 mixture. If you can't eat it with a spoon, you stopped adding chicken fat too soon. 
Everyone can benefit from biohacking!
Who can benefit from biohacking? Every single man, woman, and child on the planet, that's who. And don't forget pets. Did you know you can biohack a dog to retrieve useful objects like a newspaper or your favorite pair of slippers. You can biohack a cat to shit in a box. Amazing!

Does your cat shit in a box? Mine does!
But who can benefit the most from biohacking?

-People who feel like they can do better
-Anyone who sometimes has trouble paying attention during complex and uninteresting meetings or lectures

-People who think that they could be healthier
-Anyone interested in improving themselves in some way

-Cats that are still shitting in piles of clothes in your bedroom
Good luck!

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion Researchers Still Looking for Answers.....

Baton Rouge, LA- When Jessica and Tina Parish left their quaint suburban bungalow, looking forward to their first night out without adopted infant son Calcasieu, the last thing they expected was a frantic call from the babysitter.

Squirrels, like Bob McWhiskers from Canton, OH, may to blame for cases of sudden unexplained infant combustion

"He's on fire! The baby is on fire," babysitter and LSU junior Myrtle Plantation recalls screaming into her Apple 6 smartphone. "It's the last thing I expected to happen."

Expected or not, sweet little Calcasieu had erupted into a nine pound ball of flames and liquefied fat without warning. The Parish family was left with a tiny pile of ashes and one very large question. Why? 

Calcasieu had never burst into flames before. He didn't have an untreated fever leading up to the event. The adoption agency had provided documentation stating that there was no family history of smoke coming out of people's ears when they get angry, let alone suddenly catching fire for no apparent reason.

Unfortunately, pediatric experts like Mort Fishman, MD don't have many answers when it comes to the spontaneous combustion of human infants. "Most of our data comes from mouse and primate studies. It's difficult to know how much we can apply to a human child like precious little Calcasieu."

Historically, Spontaneous Unexplained Infant Combustion (SUIC) has been lumped together with cases of Spontaneous Human Combusion (SHC). SHC is considerably more popular and better studied, with recent advances in screening and prevention having changed the prognosis from certain horrible death to a chronic disease with expectations of a normal life expectancy, much like AIBS, Advanced Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But Fishman believes that SUIC and SHC may be distinctly different conditions.

The origin of SHC as a human disease is now widely accepted to have occurred when Spontaneous Simian Combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans that time when Pete and Wendy Jenkins took that trip to Africa. Experts aren't so certain when it comes to SUIC. Quantum linkage analysis of mitochondrions recovered from the remains of patients reveal squirrel DNA. Complicating things is the fact that, like SHC, there has never been a witnessed case. This has allowed a number of competing etiological hypotheses to emerge, like formula fracking and squirrel suicide bombers. 

The Parish family has had to deal with a lot of uncertainty since that tragic day. But they haven't given up hope that science will shine a light on the mysterious condition that took their son. For now, researchers like Mort Fishman MD remain baffled.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Cleveland Clinic Unveils New Integrative Medical Emergency Codes.....

Cleveland, OH- As part of its mission to address an increasing demand for integrative healthcare, Cleveland Clinic's Center for Integrative & Lifestyle Medicine and Center for Functional Medicine have focused on providing hospital patients access to a wide variety of alternative medical practices. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a free lunch in the practice of medicine. In order to deal with the increasing number of unconventional inpatient emergencies, the Cleveland Clinic has announced the immediate institution of a new set of integrative medical emergency codes for hospital use.

Cleveland Clinic tickle therapists, shown here responding to a Code Grump

"It would be foolish to think that expanding our understanding of health and wellness wouldn't come with a price, Delos "Toby" Cosgrove, CEO and President of Cleveland Clinic, explained. "We live on the leading edge of integrating alternative and conventional medicine at the Cleveland Clinic, and once again we are serving as an example for other facilities to follow."

Hospital emergency codes, such as "Code Blue" in the case of respiratory or cardiac arrest, have historically been used to alert hospital staff to current or potential emergencies. Announced over facility loudspeakers or via the use of a paging system, they allow for an efficient and effective response from appropriate people or teams. Cleveland Clinic has instituted a new coverage system to make sure that appropriate alternative medical personnel are available at all times. The following are examples of some of the new integrative medical emergency codes:

1. Code Wobble - Immediate response from Quantum Therapy (QT) for analysis and stabilization of a patient's vibrational imbalance
2. Code Shake and Bake - Immediate response from Homeopathics for evaluation of a patient that has been administered, and is suffering an acute reaction to, an overly succussed remedy
3. Code Accordion - Immediate response from Chiropractic team for stabilization of a patient suffering from Accordion syndrome, or total collapse of the spine secondary to sudden-onset subluxation disorder
4. Code Three Gorges - Immediate response from Acupuncture team for management of a overwhelming or multifocal chi stagnation (MCS)
5. Code Corkscrew - Immediate response from the Lyme Literate physician on-call for confirmation and initiation of IV antibiotics for a patient with chronic Lyme disease

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Oregon Traditional Midwives Upgrade to Level 3 Home Births.....

Portland, OR- Home births, while on the rise across the United States, remain a controversial but empowering option for bringing a new baby into the world. Hospital deliveries may allow rapid access to modern medical interventions, but are seen by some as a patriarchal distraction from what matters most, the crafting of an ideal experience. A new breed of health-related non-professionals are helping to bring the two approaches together in Oregon.

A deluxe birthing pond like the one shown here can accommodate a mother, her newborn infant, several large koi, and a small to medium sized dolphin with ease

When Karyn Smith decided to have her first baby in the comfort of her own home, she wanted to make sure that every possible precaution was taken to ensure the safety of her personal narrative, of which she had been the hero for as long as she could remember. She researched the most popular home delivery blogs, hired a human doula, and had a birthing pond dug in the backyard in preparation for her big day. She even updated her Facebook profile regularly throughout the process. Finally, she joined a growing number of Oregon women choosing to have their social currency payloads delivered with the assistance of an advanced, or level 3, traditional midwife.

"Going with a level 3 midwife just made the most sense," Smith explained. "They are trained to manage pregnancy and delivery complications in ways that preserve the sanctity of a mother's experience, and none of my friends have used one yet. That's important to me, and it will be important to my followers on Instagram."

Level 3 traditional midwives are not licensed by the state of Oregon, and are not allowed to provide oxygen or IV medications. But they make up for any deficiencies in training or the ability to prevent maternal or perinatal mortality by offering advanced experience-supportive measures in the case of an emergency, such as hiring a live band to accompany the second of labor or providing an assortment of delicious chocolates. According to Joan Odenkirk, an advanced traditional midwife who completed some high school and has watched several deliveries in person and on YouTube. "It usually works out great!"

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Integrative Therapy Cat Brings Reiki to Those Most in Need.....

Belvidere, NE- Although the Pope has declared that only baptized heterosexual dogs that have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, he may soon change his subjectively determined opinion after learning about 9-year-old tortoiseshell cat Gloria King, a Reiki therapy animal at Shady Acres Post-Productivity Citizen Storage Facility 37-C.

Reiki practitioner Gloria King
"She may not be going to Heaven, but she certainly came from there," coherent old man and Shady Acres resident Mitch Rangler explained. "I love that cat more than anything, even my fading memories of that time I met Mamie Van Doren. Now that was a handsome woman. A handsome woman. Excuse me, but I seem to have soiled myself, would you please call the nurse?"

Gloria King, a former stray and the first cat to have achieved the distinction of being a Level 7 Reiki Grand Master, was entirely self-taught, leading some in the Reiki community to believe that she may be the chosen one prophesied in the Tome of the Ancients. Her unique gift was discovered, seemingly on accident one day, when she was found in the bushes in front of the facility soon after Maynard Hanson had remarked that his crippling arthritis "seemed a mite better." She has lived at Shady Acres every since, and has even taken on duties as Social Director.

"There is definitely something going on that I can't explain," Mort Fishman MD, a conventional medical geriatrician that makes rounds at the facility every Tuesday, allowed. "Somehow it just seems to know when one of these old geezers is about to kick the bucket. Gloria King? I thought we were talking about the cat that senses death. Sorry, he was just here on a national tour."

This miraculous feline may not be able to predict when one of the Shady Acres residents is about to die, but she does seem to know exactly who needs her most that day. In fact, the nurses are all like, "How did Gloria King know that Mrs. Ashmore was up all night vomiting tapioca and glazed ham?" Seriously, everyone is like, "How does she know?"

Reiki, an ancient technique that involves the channeling of healing energy through touch from practitioner to patient in order to activate innate restorative processes, appears to be well suited to cats. Gloria King, who is blind and paralyzed since being accidentally crushed under the wheels of a Little Rascal mobility scooter in 2013, loves to lay in a resident's lap for hours on end. But it doesn't take much time with Gloria King to see that beneath those knowing milky white eyes she is doing God's work.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Local Man Outraged Over Food and Wine Pairing.....

Diggens, TX-Dave Catania, a long time wine enthusiast, has expressed outraged over wine waiter Franz Chaubert's pairing suggestions for his appetizer and main entree last night at a local Sizzler Steakhouse restaurant.

Diggens native Dave Catania, shown here mere moments before initiating a cosmic chain of events that will culminate in the bloody end of all mankind
"The sushi was served with a 2003 Riesling that was far too sweet," Catania explained. "My scallops were served with a Chardonnay that was just insulting. Sure it was drinkable, but severely over-oaked. And the lamb came with a Syrah that tasted like the chef added raspberry syrup to it. I'm simply not going to stand for this kind of treatment, which is why I've filed a grievance with the Court of Master Sommeliers."

Master Sommelier Doug Frost, a member of the Court of Master Sommeliers (CMS) and widely considered to be America's foremost expert on pairing wine with food, was formally presented a copy of the grievance in the secret underground Fortress of Sommeliers earlier today. "This is what we, the members of the Court of Master Sommeliers and protectors of mankind, have been dreading for decades. A weak and uninspired list of pairings such as this is a clear sign that the events of the great prophecy are finally at hand. We will do what we can to save humanity from the upcoming horrors, but even the combined powers of the Court of Master Sommeliers may not be enough."

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Experts Warn Parents to Avoid Black Market Ultra Absorbent Diapers.....

Irving, TX- Citing new researcher from the Kimberly-Clark Institute for Applied Absorbency (IAA), authorities are warning parents to avoid black market ultra absorbent diapers available for sale online and from disreputable brick-and-mortar sources in a growing number of U.S. cities.

A toddler, shown here wearing an ultra absorbent black market diaper mere seconds before collapsing to the ground in a pile of bone dust, teeth, nails, and hair
"This is a serious issue that parents and pediatric healthcare professionals need to be aware of," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "When we tested one in the lab, we were like, this can't be happening. But it was. It's true. All of it. The diapers, the insane absorbency, they're real."

Thanks to the team at IAA, federal authorities may finally have a smoking gun in their investigation of a growing number of infant and toddler disappearances over the past several months. Lead IAA researcher Hanz Gladstone believes that the illegal ultra absorbent diapers are so powerful that children are being literally absorbed to death. "Around the lab we refer to the diaper's wetness indicator as the blue line of doom. A postdoc lost a hand just trying to put one on a research mannequin."

Mort Fishman, MD, FAAP, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Section on Infantile Incontinence, is calling for the media to help raise awareness of the nasty nappies. "Parents should only purchase Federal Diaper Association approved products. They should never sacrifice the safety of their children for the siren call of a dry baby bottom."