Sunday, February 22, 2015

Coaching Epidemiologists Concerned Over Rise in Childhood Lollygagging.....

Easton, PA- Epidemiologists at the National High School Coaches Association headquarters in Easton are warning parents and school administrators after new research suggests the current generation of athletes may be the first in history to have higher rates of lollygagging than their parents.

A young athlete demonstrating stage 3 lollygagging just 2 weeks before succumbing to the disorder and signing up for Astronomy Club
"We weren't expecting the problem to be this widespread," NHSCA Executive Director Bobby Ferraro explained. "Sure there have been anecdotal reports from coaches around the country, but you know what happens when you assume, right? It makes an ass out of you and me. Now give me ten laps and then hit the showers!"

The new report, which will be published in Online Publishing Module 103 - Sport's Related Functional Disorders in March, reveals a 35% increase in lollygagging among high school athletes. Another concerning finding according to Ferraro was a substantial decrease in elbow grease. "There are players out there right now capable of giving at most seventy five, maybe eighty percent if they've gotten all the lead out. And there haven't been this many kids with their thumbs up their asses since tracking began in 1906."

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Third Blue's Clue Found in Milwaukee Murder Investigation.....

Milwaukee, WI-After weeks of intense investigation, the Milwaukee Police Department has finally uncovered the third of Blue's three clues to the identity and location of the perpetrator of a grisly triple murder that has left the city's inhabitants fearing for their personal safety.

Detective Steve, shown here examining a bloody sock found near the remains of a dismembered toddler, a copy of American Psycho, and a fireman's axe 
"The murder was seemed so random, and so expertly executed," lead investigator Joe Hewitt explained. "Folks around here have been wondering who might be next. If not for these Blue's Clues, and Detective Steve, I don't know if we would have been able to solve this one."

Holding the rusted and bloodstained machete while sitting in his Thinking Chair, Blue's owner Steve revealed "At first I couldn't understand what Blue was trying to tell me with the severed ear and the picture of an abandoned lighthouse, but now it's so clear. So who's the cold-blooded killer boys and girls?"

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Wacky Laws Still on the Books.....

Belvidere, NE-The small southern Nebraska town of Belvidere, known for its $3 Dollar Meatloaf, secret underground missile silos and Lucky the 5-legged cow, also has some zany old laws still on the books.

"Law 137.9a: There shall be no picking of turnips after Founder's Day until the first full moon of the new year. Violators of this law shall be buried unto their waist for a sixth night."

The burying of a Belvidere woman who had picked turnips after Founder's Day circa 1983
"I'm a big fan of Law 137.9a," Belvidere Mayor Spooner Jenkins explained. "It's still very much applicable to today's modern Belvidere. Seriously, who hasn't been frustrated with late season turnip pickers?"

"Ordinance 214.G1: The breeding of irregular sheep is henceforth to be punishable by hanging. Spontaneously occurring irregular sheep are to be slaughtered and buried with haste. Under no circumstances are irregular sheep to be brought around Indians."

A broken gate and this abomination resulted in the Belvidere and Indian War of 1865
Though not as much of a concern in this day and age, irregular sheep were often a problem during frontier times. This was most evident when attempting to form alliances with neighboring Indian tribes, as irregular sheep are considered by the majority of Native Americans to be an omen of purest evil. Irregular sheep were even believed by some tribes to be the embodiment of Malsum the Native American god of evil and destruction.

Although having such unusual laws may seem like it would be a hindrance to a happy and productive life in Belvidere, Mayor Jenkins disagrees completely. "We've had 3 executions already this month," Jenkins revealed. "It's good for morale for others to see what can happen if you break the law around here."

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Telomere Experiment Ends in Tragedy.....

New York, NY- Cutting edge research into the role of telomere prolongation in reversing the aging process ended in tragedy this week when a scientist was accidentally exposed to a concentrated form of an exciting new breakthrough in anti-aging medicine.

Researcher Tim Gundersnipe, shown here updating his wife and children on the accident and the amazing age-defying properties of TeloMiracle Sciences nutraceutical products like RejuvaStim-MD Telomerase Complex
"We were working on a quantum leap in our ability to maintain a youthful appearance and energy when it happened," TeloMiracle Sciences founder and CEO Nerl Paxton explained. "I guess somebody forgot to lock the containment unit. I looked everywhere after the explosion but I might not have found little Timmy in time if he hadn't started crying."

Tim Gundersnipe, lead researcher on the project at the TeloMiracle Sciences laboratory in New York, was preparing to dilute the powerful age reversing compound when the exposure occurred. His cellular structure responded to the highly potent compound by reversing nearly three decades worth of the ravages of time. Pediatrician Mort Fishman, a medical advisor for TeloMiracle Sciences, estimates that Gundersnipe is now roughly 6 months old. "This is why they asked me to be on board from day one. When you mess with fundamental forces of nature, like the flow of time, there are going to be consequences!"

Luckily for consumers, there is a silver lining. Remaining TeloMiracle Sciences researchers have been able to recreate Gundersnipe's formula in the company's secondary facility in Tijuana, Mexico. And they've successfully stabilized the chemical structure so it's less likely to explode. The new formulation, named RejuvaStim-MD Telomerase Complex, should be available online soon but Paxton urges caution. "This is still the most powerful anti-aging, age-reversing, telomere lengthening nutraceutical on the market today. Please carefully follow the instructions on the label."

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Newborn Infant Declared World's Cutest Baby.....

Butte, MT- Three-day-old infant Chance Wolters, who was born with the body of a newborn and the face of legendary actor Nicolas Cage, has been declared "The World's Cutest Baby" by hospital staff at St. James Community Hospital in Butte.

World's cutest baby Chance Wolters, shown here staring intently at something above and a little to the right of the photographer
"I still just can't believe it," Cindy Wolters, mother of the newly recognized pinnacle of neonatal attractiveness, explained. " It's such an honor. And what a responsibility. I think that we owe it to Chance to make use of his gift, to let him serve as a beacon of hope for all mankind."

Chance has yet to show any signs of interest in his own physical appearance. This may be because of an uncanny maturity for a neonate, or because he is instead focusing on the descent of his left testicle. Nurse Roshandra Lewis, on the other hand, has raised serious concerns about the authenticity of his title. "It's sad how she keeps showing everybody the certificate and talking about the burden of beauty on such a young child. Does she really not know that we give these to every family at discharge. Somebody should really tell her."

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Alternative Medical Alert System Saves Local Man's Life.....

Kalamazoo, MI- Bref Albright was taking an unfamiliar route home from work because of a stalled 18-wheeler when he passed by the cell phone tower. As the electromagnetic field washed over him, symptoms of his sensitivity quickly set in. He first noticed a tingling sensation throughout his body and an odd dryness in his mouth and throat. Then nausea and headache. Once the palpitations and difficulty concentrating on the road began, he knew he had to pull over in order to avoid an accident.

An elderly woman, shown here wearing an alternative medical emergency alert system, is about to be strangled by a conventional doctor and/or pharmaceutical industry representative
"Getting off the road was the right thing to do," Albright explained. "I couldn't risk injuring somebody else if I lost control of my truck, but it left me vulnerable. I was a sitting duck!" As expected, Albright's condition worsened because of the continued exposure to the deadly yet fundamental force of nature. Despite blurry vision and difficulty remembering his wife's cell phone number, he managed to place a call. No answer. His wife, home brewing kombucha, had left her phone in another room.

Albright, a 53-year-old taxidermist for the Kalamazoo Parks Commission, then pressed the red button that activated his alternative medical emergency alert system. Within seconds, a satellite had pinpointed the location of Albright's pendant and a team of emergency alternative medicine experts was soon on its way. While on route, a member of the team was even able to contact Albright's wife Norleen and ask a few questions about Bref's alternative medical history.

"Speaking to family members can be very helpful in approaching these situations," Emergency Chiropractic Technician Frank Grimes revealed. "Yes, we have a detailed file on each customer, but sometimes people forget to update their records when new issues come up. Mrs. Albright was able to inform us of Bref's recent exposure to a genetically modified corn fritter."

Norleen credits her husband's alternative medical alert system for saving his life on multiple occasions. In the past year, Bref has accessed the system nearly one hundred times for concerns ranging from gluten exposure to concerns about chronic Lyme disease. "Sometimes it's just nice to hear somebody tell us that everything is going to be okay as long as we follow their recommendations unquestioningly."

When the team arrived at the scene, they found Bref conscious but scared and a bit unsteady on his feet. Company president and Naturopathic physician Mort Fishman, who leads the team and is certified in Acupuncture Cardiovascular Life Support (ACLS), says that in situations like this there is a golden hour where appropriate intervention can make the difference between life and total irreversible chakra degradation. "This was one of those days where everything went right. It was a good day. They aren't all good days, but we focus on the saves. You've got to focus on the saves."

The key to the success of alternative medical alert systems like the one that saved Albright's life that day, in addition to the highly trained men and women who respond to calls, is the customer's motivation to use the system. Fishman says that when a customer fails to respond to therapy, and when the rare fatality occurs, there is almost always a frustrating explanation. "Sometimes they don't adhere to our treatment recommendations. Sometimes they wait too long to activate the system. In fact, I haven't seen a case of treatment failure yet where it wasn't ultimately their fault."

Long known in the world of conventional medicine, alert systems have traditionally been used by the elderly to notified a 24-hour call center in the event of a fall or when they mistake people talking on a television or radio in another room for an intruder. Many of these remain popular today, such as the GeriAlert system popularized by it's now famous slogan, "I've fallen and my own son never visits me anymore!" Alternative medical alert systems, although only around for a few years, have revolutionized the care of people who are really worried about things that their regular doctor has probably never even heard of.

Cutting edge technology is one of the ways that alternative medical alert systems are outpacing conventional competitors. Fishman's company, EmergenQi, has recently added an automatic alert feature to it's higher end products, which can cost an excessively worried customer as much as $500 dollars a month. This grants a customer access to the system but they are charged a fee for each time it's activated. "The auto alert feature detects over a thousand imbalances, toxic exposures, even overgrowth of yeast in the blood," Fishman says. "And our own studies show it to be nearly 100% accurate."

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Chiropractic Residency Programs Move to Restrict Duty Hours.....

Los Angeles, CA- The Accreditation Council for Graduate Chiropractic Education (ACGCE) will soon begin restricting chiropractic resident work hours in order to reduce errors and improve patient outcomes.

A fatigued chiropractic resident, shown here mistakenly examining a patient with a stethoscope rather than the recommended  Subluxatron Dermothermoneuromatic Stimugrasp DRX-10000 Subluxation Detector
"In addition to the subluxation, those charged with preparing the next generation of spine specialists for real world practice are increasingly recognizing fatigue as a serious problem in chiropractic training programs." ACGCE Executive Committee Chair Hassell Johnston explained. "Chiropractic residency programs will now be better able to provide a nurturing and/or healthy and/or educational environment that optimizes training and may influence resident function and general safety."

Enforcement of the new restrictions, which include limiting duty hours to 80 hours per week and to no more than 24 consecutive hours, will begin in the Fall of this year. According to Johnston, duty hours will include any time spent on clinical or academic activities, such as time spent measuring children's leg lengths at area health fairs or speaking to local reporters about the dangers of vaccines and poor posture while texting. He adds that chiropractic residents will also be required to log hours spent preparing case reports on the affect of unblinded chiropractic treatment on self-limited or subjective complaints. "These restrictions are comparable to those in allopathic medical residency programs, except our approach is more holistic, focusing on the whole resident rather than merely the symptoms of training."

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

New Research Sheds Light on Pediatric Evil Toy Attacks.....

Cuesta Verde, CA- Concerned parents across the nation are breathing a deep sigh of relief today, thanks to the findings of a study on the prevalence and prevention of evil toy attacks involving young children.

A poltergeist (German for "wasted future"), shown here preparing to consume the soul of a child who was not accepted into a n Ivy League preschool, typically targets the homes of parents who aren't involved enough in the day-to-day lives of their children 
"Evil toy altercations have been a recognized problem for parents and pediatricians since the publication of a landmark 1938 paper in the Journal of Malevolent Resistentialism that discussed three cases of children injured or severely frightened by an animated toy under the power of some kind of spirit or malicious energy," lead researcher Robert Freeling explained. "Now parents can be prepared, not only with a solid epidemiological framework for understanding the phenomenon, but a few useful approaches to prevention as well."

The researchers spent a year reviewing the available literature and also meticulously investigated almost one hundred newly reported attacks themselves, including site investigations and interviews of witnesses and victims. They estimate that roughly one out of every eleven children will be assaulted by an evil toy at some point during their first decade of life. The majority of these events involve dolls imbued with life using ancient Egyptian magic, although poltergeist activity accounts for roughly 30% according to Freeling. Rounding out the top three are dolls used as vessels for the souls of serial killers during voodoo rituals.

Freeling and his team believe that although there is no way of providing total protection from evil toys, there are ways of reducing the risk:

1. Use a baby monitor, preferably one that is Vatican approved and that records both sound and video, at least until your child has completed puberty.
2. Tell your children how special they are on a daily, if not hourly basis. Notes placed in lunch boxes reminding them of their singular nature can be used to provide consistent reassurance while at school. Wake them from sleep to remind them that they are loved.
3. If your home must be built on an Indian burial ground or other land sacred to indigenous peoples, avoid mocking their beliefs in any way. If possible, relocate any remains before starting construction.
4. Implantable tracking technology, while in its infancy, has developed to the point where the location of a child can be monitored by parents at all times while only increasing the risk of cancer by a quartile.
5. All potentially possessable toys should be removed from the home. This includes clown dolls, robots, monkeys with tambourines, marionettes, hand puppets, action figures and anything produced by American Girl.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Cursed Princess Begins Difficult Journey to Recovery.....

Gumdrop Island-As news of the lifting of the evil curse which put her into an impenetrable sleep nearly 5 years ago spreads throughout the kingdom, Princess Leonora, beloved monarch of the magical land of Gumdrop Island, has begun the long and painful process of recovery and rehabilitation.

This hydraulic lift will assist in moving the princess between her royal bed chamber and emerald encrusted dragon bone toilet
"Princess Leonora, wielder of the mystical scepter of power and the source of all beauty and light on Gumdrop Island, has some rough months ahead of her," palace physician Mort Fishman explained during a press conference held today in the Royal Hall of Eternal Vigilance. "True love's kiss or no true love's kiss, her muscles have wasted considerably and there are significant contractions of her extremities. She may not have the strength to feed herself for weeks, let alone to walk or reunite the three segments of the Fairy Crystal at the upcoming Festival of Unity."

Fishman went on to discuss the need for Princess Leonora to continue to receive nutrition via a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy tube until her strength returns, as well as for round-the-clock care of her Stage IV pressure ulcers. "How much function she will eventually regain is anyone's guess. One thing is for certain, however. Prince Charming over there is going to need to learn how to do an "in and out" catheterization."

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2015.....

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2015
By Brabara Bloodstone
World famous psychic and ghost celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone
The beginning of each new year always finds me answering the calls of clients, the press and leaders of world governments who are eager to get a head start on the days to come. I can't say that I blame them considering my incredible track record of successfully predicting future events. Like when I saw the coming of cordless telephones. I won't use them though. Man wasn't meant to walk around while talking on the phone.

But each year I grow more and more weary of this burden. The power to see the future is both a privilege and a curse. Sure it was nice knowing that the latest Adam Sandler movie would be terrible before it hit theaters, but was it worth it?

For every agonizing trip to the movies that I've saved myself and millions of others, and for every tragedy I've foreseen, like in 1968 when I successfully predicted that there would be a power outage in an American city leading to several refrigerators full of spoiled food, I must also live with the knowledge of events over which I have no control. Like how somewhere in the world this year a child will call out for his mother in the dark of night, fearful of what might be lurking in the shadows, only to realize that the source of their fear is the dark itself. And clowns.

As I do every year, I've spent the past few weeks deep below ground in order to avoid the interference of neutrinos and skeptics. I've encased myself in a sensory deprivation tank. I've purged my body of toxins and free radicals. I've watched the first season of House of Cards on Netflix.

As always, I can't promise that each and every one of my predictions will come to pass with complete accuracy. My visions of the future are not always clear. At times it is like staring through an open window, while at others it is as if somebody has smeared Super Poligrip on my glasses.

Here are my top twenty predictions for 2015:

1. Money will continue to exist as a convenient medium of exchange in many countries, but bartering as a means of payment for goods and services will gain popularity in the United States. In addition to chickens and baked goods, many people will make purchases using items of personal sentimental value after the existence of metahumans that feed on the emotions and memories absorbed by physical objects is revealed.

Fat chickens like these will be very valuable in the barter system of 2015!
2. Ebola will be huge in 2015, even landing a coveted spot on The Tonight Show with James Falton.

3. Bitter cold will be experienced in large parts of the Unites States. But thanks to a revolutionary new device developed by Amish scientists, humans will be able to venture much farther north than ever before, even colonizing lands north of South Dakota.

A clustering of Amish men looking out upon the unsettled wastelands of Canada
4. Conflicts will occur throughout the world this year, even in previously peaceful areas like New Brunswick and Syria. There will be conflict between nations and individuals. Often this will involve arguments over religion and money, but I can see at least one war between two neighboring countries after somebody refuses to take down their Christmas lights after New Years.

5. Water was a major focus in 2014 (another successful prediction!) but wind will be on everyone's mind this year. Celebrities and regular folk alike will be blown away when a new invention allows mankind to convert wind into energy! But it's not all good news. Wind will be implicated in several disasters in 2015, resulting in the loss of thousands of lives and countless ruined haircuts.

6. The Bermuda Triangle will be in the news, not because of what is found there but because of what isn't. The United States, based on the discovery of an ancient treasure map unearthed during the destruction of the Pentagon, will spend billions dredging the infamous triangular region of the western North Atlantic Ocean. But instead of a treasure of unimaginable wealth, they will inadvertently stumble on a previously unknown island nation named Puerto Rico.

7. Healthcare will be in the news, but not for the living. 2015 will see both a cure for the common cold and the development of a new form of imaging which reverses the polarity of a standard Magnet Resonating Imager (MRI). Ghosts!

Should ghosts benefit from the Affordable Care Act? 
8. I am very worried that Americans will not be getting enough sleep after a rider limiting daily sleep to five hours is attached to a bill declaring Smarch 11th as a National Day of Scrapbooking.

9. In September, millions of senior citizens will confuse the sound of a television or radio in another room with an intruder, tying the 9-1-1 emergency response system up for hours and costing taxpayers over a trillion dollars.

10. Several major elections will take place in 2015, the outcomes of which will be decided by the number of votes received by each candidate. Some of these elections will involve television and radio ads and even door-to-door visits by campaign volunteers. The moon landing hoax!

11. What is vaping? Is it a new kind of dance? Is it legal? Can anybody do it?

Would Jesus vape?
12. A new organ will be discovered by medical researchers. It will be located west of the pancreas and will be called the plectum. It's purpose will remain a mystery.

13. Immigrants.

14. One ring to rule them all, one right to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. GMOs!

15. For years humanity has wondered, "Do plants think? And if so, are they reliable witnesses in a murder investigation? Should they be allowed to vote?" Answers will come in the Summer of 2015. I won't spoil the surprise but let's just say no, they don't, yes, they can, and yes, but only with an official photo ID!

Can this plant vouch for my whereabouts on August 3rd, 2015?
16. Traffic.

17. The United States will finally pass a law making the metric system mandatory, although it will win by a very slim margin of only 2.84*10-9 moles of votes.

18. A habitable extrasolar planet will be discovered by an unlikely team of high school misfits, thus saving our species from extinction at the hands of an intergalactic overlord seeking revenge after falling for a Nigerian advanced fee scam.

Should aliens be allowed to vote? Why not? Plants can.
19. That guy who's on all those shows. What's his name? Rick? Rich? Ryan? Mario Lopez? Yeah, he's going to die.

20. Bees!