Belvidere, NE - For over a century, chiropractors have recognized that the bones of the human spine can suddenly and inexplicably stop functioning properly or move out of alignment, often when we least expect it and even in newborn infants. The phenomenon, known as spontaneous human subluxation (SHS), has been described in thousands of chiropractic textbooks, papers published in peer-reviewed journals, and educational websites. Despite it's popularity, however, many conventional medical doctors maintain a state of childish ignorance on the subject.
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| A chiropractor, shown here providing gentle palliative spinal jackhammering for a child with spontaneous human subluxation who was recently placed on hospice with a prognosis of 80-90 years to live |
Though the term "spontaneous human subluxation" was only coined in 1895 by the original chiropractor Daniel David Palmer, ancient cave paintings dating as far back as 17,500 BC depicted early humans holding crude spear-like spinal adjusting devices. According to chiropractic historian Frank Grimes, DC, ancient Chinese and Greek civilizations were using manipulation to solve problems that they believed originated in the spine, such as as cervical grimp and total spinal collapse. "Hippocrates himself was always talking about the spine. He used to always say that knowledge of the spine was important because that's where all the good stuff is."
In 1895, Palmer discovered chiropractic medicine when he accidentally bumped into a guy who lived in his building. Later that day Jarvus P. Willard, who had been dealing with a cold for the past few days, thought maybe he felt a little better. Palmer realized that he had inadvertently knocked the man's spine back into a straight line like God intended. He would go on to develop a completely original science, built on ancient traditions, with the power to correct these misalignments, which he called spontaneous human subluxation.
Palmer opened a clinic in the country's first strip mall in Davenport, Iowa, where he would work with patients to develop a treatment plan involving a series of specific spinal adjustments. After correct the patient's SHS, he would schedule maintenance visits until the patient died or decided that they didn't care about having optimal health. Sadly, Palmer would die from dysharmonic vibrosis that occurred as a result of typhoid fever a century before the invention of the Subluxatron Dermothermoneuromatic Stimugrasp 10000, which can pinpoint an SHS complex within a just few millimeters.
Chiropractic is a science that is at once both so obvious that a small child can grasp its inner workings and so mysterious that only a chosen few are privy to its true fundamental principles. Spinal misalignments are easy to understand in the context of a serious injury, like falling through an open manhole or looking down at an iPhone. The concept of a spontaneous subluxation, however, is a harder pill to swallow. But it's a pill full of knowledge and not synthetic chemicals pushed on us by the pharmaceutical industry.
There are decades of quality scientific research on SHS, much of it done near some of the most highly respected research facilities in the world. Grimes, DC, who in addition to being an expert on the history of chiropractic is offering a Spring into Spinal Health special with a full spinal exam, x-rays, and 3 free adjustments for only $99.99, says that spontaneous subluxations have been found in a variety of animal species during both experimental observation and in the wild. "We have seen them in apes, monkeys, mice, and even a snake once. I know a guy who found one in a hagfish, and they don't even have a vertebral column. Really makes you think, doesn't it?"
There is no legitimate doubt that spontaneous human subluxation exists, and can cause untold human suffering. And it is widely accepted by state governments and insurance companies that chiropractors can diagnose and manage them in exchange for money. The final mystery, naturally, is what causes them. Are there risk factors that make a person more likely to develop an SHS? Are there psychological or emotional factors at play? Is SHS a punishment from God or a test? The answer, Grimes, DC, revealed, is most definitely right around the corner. "We are close on this one. Like really close. Give us five more years, maybe ten, and we'll have it."
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