Green River, WY-After verbal warnings, parent notifications, police reports, and the placement of a perimeter fence were ultimately unsuccessful at detering neighborhood children from entering his yard, Green River native Werp Fishbein announced at today's neighborhood council meeting that he has no other choice but to take drastic measures.
"It's about time this nonsense comes to an end," Fishbein explained as he unrolled razor wire. "Any incursions into my land will be taken as an act of aggression and will be dealth with swiftly and harshly."
Local children are not impressed with Fishbein's escalation in tactics to prevent their use of his front yard for activities ranging from digging for dinosaur bones and buried treasure to racing bikes and go-carts. 9-year-old Timmy Pritchard revealed that "I don't care what that old man says. He's got the biggest yard in the neighborhood and some sweet hills too. I can get like 10 feet in the air on my bike. Really!"
After the razor wire, and the perimeter tar pit, the children will need to navigate a pretty heavy placement of anti-personnel landmines. Fishbein has also hired a Columbian paramilitary force, which he will pay based on the number of kills, to man a lengthy series of machine-gun nests and concrete bunkers. If the kids do manage to penetrate beyond this point, Fishbein has placed a number of motion sensitive sensors that, if activated, will set off a self-destruct mechanism resulting in the detonation of a 10 megaton explosive device. As a last resort, he has added a new underground sprinkler system that he will turn on.