Editorial
by Steve
On December 31, in the year 1997, Quaker Oats and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology settled a lawsuit regarding their involvement in experiments which exposed more than 100 institutionalized mentally retarded children to radioactive oatmeal from 1945 to 1956. Though under the deceptive guise of attempting to prove that the nutrients in Quaker oatmeal travel throughout the body, the true goal of the experiments were to create an army of superhuman mutants to aid in Quaker Oats' mission of world domination.
It is well known that the founders of the company chose to use the trademarked smiling man in Quaker garb because Quakers, in addition to standing for good quality and honest value, have long desired to rule the nations of the earth with rosy cheeks and an iron fist. But it was not until the company's fateful choice to use actor Wilford Brimley in their now infamous 1980's ad campaign that the board of directors truly focused on complete control of the planet and all of its inhabitants.
The ads, which ran simultaneously on every television station in the world at the top of each hour for almost 15 years, showed a piping hot bowl of oatmeal being handed to a young disheveled child who stood in the front of a long line of equally dirty and malnourished men, women, and children. The boy's eyes light up as he begins to devour the oatmeal, and he is stood against a wall where he is shot through the back of the skull. The camera zooms in on the half eaten bowl of oatmeal, which is now beginning to fill with the bright red blood pouring from the dead young child. Brimley's voice then booms over a loudspeaker placed above the muddy pen where more people are held, saying "Complete subservience. It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it."
If not for the heroic efforts of the surviving super soldiers created by the radioactive oatmeal some 40 years before, this grim picture of the future may have become a reality. Although some experts fear that the company is beginning to once again work on their nefarious plans to hold dominion over mankind. This time, with the FDA in the pockets, as well as the bulk of the medical establishment, Quaker Oats is primed to make significant advances in doing just that. Their products have already been legally allowed to claim heart health benefits, and soon they will be allowed to advertise as preventing cancer, autism, erectile dysfunction, and male pattern baldness. Once the doctors are in league with them, the lawyers will be next, and then the pathway to ultimate power is clear.
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