Senior Citizens Recruited to Police Nation's Malls.....

Houston, TX-Responding to growing concerns over the safety of American shopping malls, Houston Mayor Bill White has issued a call today for the cities' senior citizens to help police the many retail complexes that operate in the area.

"This is really a win-win solution for the city," Mayor White explained. "The elderly are usually the first people to arrive at our malls, which they use to fulfill their social and leisure needs in a desperate attempt to fill the glaring void left by their near total abandonment by younger and more productive friends and family members. This is a chance for these now useless drains on society to give something back instead of just taking all of the time."

Not everyone is satisfied with the Mayor's plan however. Chauncey Jergens, the chief security officer at Houston's upscale Galleria shopping center revealed that “Customer safety, comfort and convenience have always been of the utmost importance here at The Galleria. Our comprehensive security program includes foot, bicycle and vehicle patrols seven days a week by uniformed and non-uniformed mall public safety officers and our canine patrols are particularly effective at keeping out undesirables.”

According to Jergens, all mall entrance personel perform thorough searches of bags, clothes, and body cavities in an effort to better ascertain the worthiness of potential shoppers to have access to The Galleria's many classy boutiques, specialty shops, and restaurants. Background checks are quickly performed in order to assess their socioeconomic status as well. "If you've got a credit score below 750 you can pretty much forget getting in here."