Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Integrative Baby Monitor Combines the Best of Conventional and Alternative Features.....

Portland, OR- Hoping to ease the burden of nervous parents, Globodyne Industries has developed the OptiHover Integrative Baby Monitor, the first baby monitor to combine the best of conventional and alternative features.

The OptiHover from Globodyne Industries could have prevented this baby's death from stagnant chi and multiple spinal subluxations

"Raising a human infant can be pretty scary," Globodyne Science Officer and medical school graduate Mort Fishman, MD explained. "When parents bring a baby home from the hospital, birthing center, or dolphin-assisted delivery paddock, they face many nights of fear and anxiety over the future returns on their precious social capital investment. They also don't want the baby to die."

In addition to traditional features, such as audio and video feeds, the OptiHover will also be able to detect movement and transmit oxygen saturation and pulse rate data to the caregiver's smartphone or tablet device. According to Fishman, Globodyne researchers didn't limit the functionality to the boundaries of methodological or even metaphysical naturalism. "Today's parents want more than just biophysical statistics. They realize that their baby isn't just some number on a spreadsheet. The OptiHover also includes a variety of holistic options such as meridian patency and aura strength. The OptiHover Deluxe will even ward off evil spirits."

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Solomon Grundy Calls for Classroom Fidget Spinner Ban....

Slaughter Swamp, NJ- Adding to the fidget spinner controversy that has parents, teachers, and pediatric mental health professionals choosing sides, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy announced today that the popular psychological stress relievers have no place in classrooms.

Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing the potential harm of fidget spinners in a classroom setting with a group of education experts who he would later dismember in a fit of blind rage

"It's true that fidget spinner use is generating some controversy and that parents are caught in the middle," child psychiatrist Mort Fishman explained. "But I truly believe that strategic classroom use of these devices can benefit certain students. And if some kids just think of them as fun toys, I just don't see what the big deal is. Frankly I'm more than a bit skeptical of claims made by an evil zombie that murdered Skyman and ate Red Tornado's arm that time he inhabited a human body."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while working on his PhD in educational psychology. He is calling for a complete ban of fidget spinners, listing several specific concerns. "Fidget spinners bad. Just toys. Make Solomon Grundy angry. Just stupid toys!"

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Area Fetus Uses Morse Code to Communicate with Alabama Republican Party Chair.....

Birmingham, AL- Republican lawmakers in Alabama have announced plans for new legislation that will put an end to abortion in the state, citing the miraculous story of Story Billings, an unborn fetus believed to be communicating with the outside world using a form of Morse code popular in the Eastern United States during the early 1840s.

A human Republican, shown here at 3-4  days post fertilization using a manual alphabet developed by Ponce de Leon in the mid-16th century to sign "Make Placenta Great Again!" 

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't felt it for myself," Alabama Republican Party Chair Terry Lathan explained. "But once I placed my hands on birthing unit 437-2B, formerly known as "Felicia", and experienced the unborn child's attempt to communicate her hopes and dreams to me, I knew in my heart that I just had to do something."

Though not the first time that a fetus has allegedly communicated with a republican, this is the first time that it has involved the use of an electrical coding system predating the development of modern International Morse Code. According to Lathan, she has encouraged scientific scrutiny of her experience. "I asked all the republican scientists I could find. Steve, Larry. Jim. Bill. The other Jim. And they all agreed."

Monday, June 19, 2017

Area Fundraiser Sends Tens of Blue Apron E-Gift Cards to Nigerian Villages.....

Brookline, MA- The Brookline chapter of the Ladies League Against Hunger (LLAH) has successfully raised enough money to send 20 Blue Apron E-Gift cards, each covering two-weeks delivery of a 2-person meal plan, to the rural Nigerian village cluster of Pampaida.

Agnes Anderson, shown here about to win her 2nd bingo of the night, must have worked something out with the caller because nobody is that lucky.

"The LLAH was founded in 1892 right here in Brookline," chapter President Barbara Tintwhistle explained. "We have never been afraid to tackle tough problems. And solving hunger in the four villages of Pampaida may be te toughest problem we've ever faced."

After researching ways to fight hunger on Agnes Anderson's grandson's computer, the LLAH purchased the electronic gift cards using funds raised during a town-wide door-to-door campaign and a charity bingo tournament held in March at Waldstein park. According to the Tintwhistle, this approach had the best chance of success. "At it's core, being poor is really just having a lack of options. With Blue Apron, the villagers can choose a delivery day convenient for them. We didn't want to interfere with any of their rituals or ceremonies, or anger any of their heathen gods. And Blue Apron also lets you customize your weekly menu based on dietary preferences. My nephew is allergic to walnuts."

Monday, June 12, 2017

Mean Baby Released into Parent Custody.....

Erie, PA-Erie native Sharonda Givens, who recently gave birth to an 8lb 7oz son via an uncomplicated vaginal delivery, alerted hospital staff that, based on the infant's crying during the initial attempt at breastfeeding, her baby was mean.
A mean baby, shown here with fist clenched in a blind rage, 
"That baby is mean!" Ms Givens explained. "He is mean. Why is he crying so much? Nobody is messing with him."

Child psychiatrist Mort Fishman MD, who was immediately consulted by the patient's pediatrician, expressed much concern after interviewing the baby and his mother. "Yes, in my professional opinion this baby is quite mean. At no point in my attempt to converse with him did he answer any of my questions. He was belligerent throughout the encounter, ceasing his crying only when being fed. This kind of narcissistic behavior is common in mean babies."

The baby, who will be discharged under continuous surveillance by local law enforcement, has been placed on a cocktail of benzodiazepines and anti-psychotic medications. He will also undergo weekly psychiatric evaluations until his attitude improves.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Area 6th Grader Confesses to 1993 Double Homicide During a Game of Truth or Dare.....

Tonganoxie, KS- Law enforcement officials have announced a break in the 24-year-old unsolved murder of Tonganoxie residents Randal and Emersbee Miller, and a local 6th grade student at Tonganoxie Middle School has been taken into custody after confessing to the crime during an intense game of truth or dare.

Teenagers playing the classic game of "Spin the Blunt Object I Used to Kill a Homeless Man" during a school field trip to the American Jazz Museum in Kansas City, MO
"As I watched the bottle spin, I think on some level I knew that my past was finally going to catch up to me," the suspect, whose name has not been released but everyone is pretty sure that it's that Jenkins boy what lives on South Park Drive near the hardwood and tile store, explained in a leaked statement. "I would have gotten away with it if I had just picked dare, but I was afraid they might make me touch Jenny Barber's boobs again."

This is not the first time that a seemingly innocent childhood game has provided clues to a longstanding cold case. According to Criminologist Jerry Dupont, author of 1001 Party Games and Murder Confessions, the types of games often played at birthday parties and sleepovers, are a perfect setup. "Police in Belvidere, NE once solved the "Never Have I Ever mutilations" when some kid at a church lock-in announced that he'd never sacrificed an infant to Satan and eaten a human kidney."