Chiropractic Paleoanthropologists Discover Neanderthal Subluxations…..

Port Orange, Fl-Shocking the scientific community today, and perhaps taking the first steps towards a new theory on the history of human evolution, chiropractic paleoanthropologists working at the Institute of Chiropaleoanthropological Studies (ICS) announced the discovery of several vertebral subluxation complexes in the well-known Kebara 2 and Shanidar 3 Neanderthal spine specimens.

“This report is the culmination of many months of painstakingly detailed research,” chiropaleoanthropologist and lead researcher Frank Grimes explained. “Not only did our highly trained team employ gentle palpation of the spine in each of the two sets of fossilized remains in order to help diagnose the lesions, the specimens were further analyzed by full spinal xrays, surface and infrared electromyography, thermal scanning, contact reflex analysis and leg length measurement.”

After a consensus vote confirmed their findings, the team set out to explain why the C-4, C-6, T-2, T-8, L-4 and L-5 vertebrae were affected in the two Neanderthals. After weeks of frustration, Arthur Fernandez, an expert in the science of Applied Kinesiology, was brought in. His involvement would prove to be a key component of the unraveling of this prehistoric enigma.

“Chiropractors aren't used to working with patients that are deceased,” Fernandez revealed. “But we do take care of children. When I realized the connection, the similar inability of both dead people and infants to talk, it hit me.”

Using his chiropractor’s intuition, Fernandez placed his hands on a segment of subluxed Neanderthal spine and tested his own muscle strength while holding a variety of vials, each containing a substance potentially toxic to Neanderthal physiology. “When I noticed my arm feel weak as soon as I grasped the bottle of mercury, I couldn't help but think of the irony. The same substance which is damaging so many kids today used to wreck havoc on this ancient population of monkey/human hybrids.”

With a diagnosis and an etiology in hand, the team from ICS decided to go public with their findings. And though they are all excited about the potential for future discoveries, team leader Grimes has unearthed a more melancholic interpretation of their results. “Just thinking about how an entire species was wiped off the face of the earth because chiropractic healing techniques were discovered 30,000 years too late, is a little unsettling. I’d hate to see the same thing happen to us.”

Researchers Announce Development of Gluten Free Examination Gloves.....

Cambridge, MA- Researchers from the Department of Materials Science and Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology held a press conference today to discuss the development and possible applications of gluten free medical examination gloves.

"Gluten intolerance is a serious and increasingly common problem, and for years medical practitioners have been forced to wear examination gloves that put patient health at risk," lead researcher Pauline Aliana explained. "Ten years and half a billion dollars later, we can say with pride that these gloves contain absolutely no wheat, no barley, no rye and no oats!"

Unlike patients with Celiac disease, an autoimmune condition where exposure to gluten causes inflammation of the small intestine and specific symptoms in about one percent of the population, a growing number of people are blaming gluten on a host of vague physical and psychological complaints. Irritable bowels, headaches, fibromyalgia, chronic irritability and fatigue are common complaints of people who are worried about gluten. Physicians who care for them, and gluten intolerance advocate groups, have long been waiting for the development of gluten free medical products to complement the growing number of gluten free foods such as pizza, bottled water and chicken.

Mort Fishman, Director of Questionable Illnesses at the nearby Marino Integrative Health Center, was pleased but also encouraged researchers to look to the future.  "It is nice to have options when working with patients who are cutting gluten out of their lives, but what about WiFi and electromagnetic radiation sensitivity? What about my patients with adrenal fatigue or chronic Lyme? Where are the gloves for them?"