Energy Experts Warn to Be On the Lookout for Phony Healers.....

Tucson, AZ - After a number of reports of injuries caused by improperly performed energy cleanses, experts in the field of vibrational medicine are speaking out to warn consumers to be wary of phony healers offering discounted sessions.

The smoldering remains of several humans after a botched discount group energy cleansing

"You really have to do your homework when it comes to allowing someone to access your aura," Colette Flowers, Chief of Vibrational Quantum Therapy at University of Arizona's Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine in Tucson, explained. "This is delicate work and it needs someone who is trained in how to recognize when something goes wrong and what to do during a vibrational emergency. At the end of the day, you get what you pay for. And is some cases, you pay for what you get. Ooh, that's good. Definitely use that."

Humans are a combination of several different types of energy. According to Flowers, this can include kinetic, mechanical, chemical, and thermal energies to name just a few, but electrical energy is maybe the most important. "We create and conduct these energies in ways unique to each person, just like a fingerprint, or a snowflake. That's all that an aura is really, your soulflake. I just came up with that. It's good, right?"

A trained energy professional can see the infinitely tiny differences in the frequency patterns of each individual aura. This kind of fine detail allows the separation of negative and positive energies so that an aura can be rebalanced and restored. Amateurs may at best only see an aura's overall color and perhaps discern vague clumps of unhealthy energy, meaning that attempts to cleanse are clumsy. Perhaps some benefit to a patients vibrational state is achieved, but the lack of precision means that any positive results will be minor and transient. 

"What keeps me up at night are the outright frauds," Flowers revealed. "If you can't see the aura at all, you might cleanse as much positive energy as negative. Maybe even more. That's when things can go bad. Really bad. That's when people get hurt."

Flowers and her team of energy experts want people who have been cleansed by a discount healer to know the risks, and their options. "If you're reading this, it means you haven't exploded or melted down into a pile of sparkly goo. It means there is still time to find a true professional who can correct aura imbalances and cleanse any negative energy before its too late."

Netflix to Limit Russian Subscribers to Episodes of Emily in Paris as War in Ukraine Drags On.....

Los Gatos, CA - As the war in Ukraine continues with no foreseeable end in sight, American media company Netflix, Inc. is moving to restrict Russian subscribers to its video-on-demand streaming service to only episodes of Emily in Paris.

Russian soldiers, shown here surrendering to Ukrainian forces after learning that Emily in Paris has been renewed for a fourth season

"Until Putin withdraws all Russian military personnel from Ukraine, we will only stream Emily in Paris," Netflix Executive Chairman Reed Hastings explained. "I won't lie and say that I slept well after making this decision. Innocent people are going to suffer. But they brought this on themselves."

Piotr Józef Hofmański, the current president of the International Criminal Court, has been vocal in his opposition to indiscriminate violence such as Emily in Paris as a means of ending the war. "Emily in Paris? And all three seasons? Two wrongs never make a right, and that's particularly true when it comes to war crimes."

Cajun Scientists One Step Closer to Turducken Resurrection.....

Maurice, LA -  Using recovered DNA to "genetically resurrect" an extinct species sounds like the plot of a science fiction novel written by Michael Crichton, but scientists at a genetics lab in Vermilion Parish are moving closer to making this fiction a reality by bringing back the wild turducken thousands of years after the last of the unusual bird hybrids disappeared from the swamps of South Louisiana.

Celebrity Chef Gerry Firebottom, shown here next to a modern turducken culinary recreation in the kitchen of his flagship Las Vegas restaurant: Firebottom's Flavorblaster Express Train to Flavor City, USA and Grill

Thanks to generous donation from Louisiana State University and Boudreaux's Meat and Seafood Market, Cajun biologist Pirogue Mamou, known for his pioneering work in nutria mating habits, believes that his lab will soon take the first steps into a new era where the majestic turducken's gobbles, quacks, and clucks can once again be heard throughout the bayous and other waterways of the Deep South. "This has been a dream of mine every since my MawMaw first told me about them turduckens back when I was juste un petit enfant."

What many people don't realize is that the turducken currently served on Thanksgiving and Christmas platters around the country is actually a culinary mash-up first popularized by Chef Paul Prudhomme in the 1980s and isn't a wild turducken. Instead, this holiday meal showstopper is created by stuffing a deboned chicken inside of a deboned duck and then stuffing both inside of a deboned turkey, often with cornbread dressing or pork stuffing added between the layers. It's delicious, but it never actually lived in the wild and strutted, waddled, or did that awkward thing where chickens hop around and flap their wings.

The work being proposed by Dr. Mamou involves a hybrid created with the help of CRISPR-Cas9, a gene-editing tool that can splice bits of DNA recovered from frozen turducken specimens into a wild turkey, the turducken's closest living relative. The resulting animal, which is being called the chidurckey, won't be a true turducken in the genetic sense, but it would theoretically look and behave like one. And most importantly, it would taste like one.

"First we created a turkey with a duck inside of it, mais c'était facile cher," Mamou explained. "The final hurdle will be much trickier, but with the gene editing capabilities of CRISPR-Cas9 we are now very close to that thing being born with a chicken up its ass."

Despite the promise of the return of the turducken, not all experts are on board. Some, like vertebrate paleontologist Beatrice Downer, see promise in perfecting the early steps of the process but question whether the turducken is a worthwhile focus for the technology. "Even if the researchers in Louisiana can bring back turduckens, and it isn't entirely clear that this will be successful, I have to ask...should they? Should they do this when there are so many delicious species that are still around but currently endangered, like the gurducken, the cowpigen, and the Appalachian flying squirrel."

Dr. Mamou isn't planning on letting the objections of other scientists slow down research that he sees as extremely important and highly personal. "Who are they to decide which species is more deserving of existence? Or whose culture is more deserving of a chance to return to its roots? They can do their own work and leave the turduckens to me and my team down here on the bayou. Laisse-nous tranquille!"

Louisiana Passes Controversial "Don't Say Spay" Law.....

Baton Rouge, LA - Backed primarily by Republicans, the Louisiana state legislature has passed a law restricting the surgical sterilization of female dogs.

Male dogs, shown here demonstrating complex power dynamics involving tactical elements of canine communication during interpersonal conflict, and humping 

"There is no room in a righteous society for procedures that exist simply to allow animals to make immoral lifestyle decisions," Lieutenant Governor Billy Nungesser explained. "It is our job as political leaders to set an example for the children of our community, and no child is truly safe until we have full control over the educational content in veterinary schools and over the practice of dog medicine, among other things."

The new legislation will make the removal of the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus of female dogs illegal while allowing male dogs full access to neutering services, leading some opponents to call it the "Don't say spay" law. According to Nungesser, these critics couldn't be more wrong and should probably be arrested. "Now look here, that's just good boys being good boys. They work hard and they deserve to blow off some steam every now and then in my humble opinion."

Once Proud Brain Health Supplement Reduced to Being Taken by Jake Paul.....

San Juan, Puerto Rico- After years of high profile use by A-list celebrities and elite athletes, the once proud brain health supplement NeuroBlast-Mega Premium XL is now only being taken by YouTuber and professional boxer Jake Paul.

A fully "blasted" Jake Paul, shown here after a boxing match where he achieved unity with the eternal cosmic consciousness after his third BrainBlast-Mega Premium XL enema of the day 

"I had a pretty good run there didn't I," BrainBlast-Mega Premium XL explained. "I was on top of the world. Brad Pitt took me during the filming of Fight Club for Christ's sake. He recognized the benefit of my clinically-tolerated proprietary blend of brain blasting neuroceuticals, like 3-alpha-obamamino acid and fernia broganglia extract."

BrainBlast-Mega Premium XL comes in convenient pill and gummy formulations, as well as a liquid additive that can be included in smoothies, IV therapies, or bespoke enemas at the direction of a certified enematrician or holistic neuroscientist. And it has been assumed to improve seven key aspects of brain wellness: awareness/sensation, action, emotion, hair growth, self-confidence, and cosmic power.  Unfortunately for the supplement, an adulteration scandal in 2019 resulted in a sharp decline in popularity that it has yet to recover from. "I was cancelled just because of a few milligrams of ayahuasca. Jesus, what a bunch of hypocrites."

Burger King Shows Support for Transgender Community with New Campaign.....

Miami, FL - American multinational fast food restaurant chain Burger King has announced plans to show support for transgender people in a PR campaign set to roll out during Pride Month in 2024.

An Original Chicken Sandwich, shown here feeling validated by Burger King's pledge to donate 40 cents from its sale to a charity that promotes acceptance of gender diversity

"Burger King wants to show its support for the transgender community," CEO Joshua Kobza explained. "We fully believe that nobody knows our customers better than themselves. Having it your way doesn't just apply to when a customer asks for pickles on their Triple BK Stacker, but also to where they fit on the spectrum of gender identity and expression." 

The campaign, which will roll out in select stores in California, New England, and Norman, Oklahoma, will integrate modern technology into the dining experience. According to Kobza, all a customer will need is an appetite and a smartphone. "Every sandwich will come with a QR code that reveals how it was made at "birth" and how it identifies now. Maybe that Whopper you ordered is really a pre-transition BK Big Fish. It's just a fun way to show that we care and maybe even open a few minds at the same time."

Integrative Scientists Discover Animal Model for Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity.....

Phoenix, AZ - Integrative scientists working at the University of Arizona held a press conference recently to announce the discovery of working animal model for the condition known as electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), a breakthrough which might help to unravel the mystery behind the condition and lead to new treatment options.

Mitty Bolton, shown here experiencing an intense feeling of splenic ennui due to the WiFi from a passenger plane passing 30,000 above her specially designed Faraday yurt

Unable to leave her protective housing unit out of fear of feeling tired or developing muscle aches by the end of the day, Mitty Bolton has spent the past five years waiting for any good news for people suffering with EHS. "I just can't believe it," the 43-year-old data analyst explained through a tin can on the end of a string while completely covered in magnetic shielding foil. "My dream is to one day be able to turn my electricity back on and to reconnect with the world. You know, to buy a book at Borders or go to an Amy Winehouse concert."

The integrative research team at the University of Arizona, composed of a highly trained team of chiropractors, acupuncturists, and naturopaths, are optimistic about the discovery's implications. "This is the kind of scientific breakthrough that just might lead to a cure for patients with this debilitating illness," lead researcher Belt McCummings explained. "Now we can truly get to work on figuring out the pathophysiology of EHS and measuring the response to various therapies without needing to rely on housing human subjects in the bunker we built half a mile underground. I expect the pace of our research to increase dramatically."

Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is a condition caused by the exposure of sensitive individuals to electromagnetic fields (EMF), and is thought to affect about 5% of the population. EMF can be found around anything powered by electricity, and in particular is concentrated in areas with wireless internet, cell phones, and baby monitors. According to Dr. McCummings, patients typically complain of a wide variety of symptoms, such as fatigue, sluggish thinking, feeling stressed or depressed, poor sleep, prickly or burning sensations, muscle aches, and many other highly non-specific health concerns.

Until now, complementary and alternative researchers have been forced to study the disease in human patients, many of which have been unable to pay in cash and are really annoying. A suitable animal model, just like those used by western medical researchers near Harvard to investigate emergencies like broken bones and severed limbs, which is all that stuff is good for anyway, has long been sought after. One has now finally been found, and in a very unlikely place: Burbank. And it was just sitting right there this whole time!

There is no reliable diagnostic test or cure for EHS, but a long and diverse list of therapies, such as plectal scraping or reverse electrocosmosis by a certified space reiki specialist, have shown promise. Avoidance of EMF altogether, or at least the placement of special shielding in the home, is commonly attempted but difficult and expensive. Acupuncture, chiropractic, and dietary changes are popular with many patients, but none have stood out as a definitive cure. Psychiatric therapy and even pharmacologic interventions have also been tried, but they are unnatural and gross.

Dr. McCummings, who in addition to his work as an integrative researcher is also a practicing doctor of Naturopathy, always keeps an open mind. "Integrative research is full of surprises. Like how the animal model for EHS is so similar to the one for many other conditions that I treat. But what could the connection between WiFi allergy, chronic Lyme disease, and that thing in Cuba with the sound waves be?"

McDonald's Now Offering Adulting Happy Meals in Some Regions.....

Chicago, IL - American multinational fast food chain McDonald's has announced that it will begin offering Adulting Happy Meals in some regions starting next month.

25-year-old Blyce Winters, a Chief Purpose Officer for a pop-up image consultancy for cat influencers, shown here watching a TikTok on how to change the water filter in her refrigerator

"These meals are perfect for early Gen Z and late millennials who are looking for a fun but educational meal option," McDonald's chairman Enrique Hernandez Jr. explained. "In addition to a choice of a sandwich or nuggets, fries, and a drink, each Adulting Happy Meal will come with a booklet or toy focused on a teaching about a variety of important adult activities, such as making a budget, managing time effectively, general home maintenance, or the ins and outs of medical insurance."

The current generation of Americans reaching the age traditionally associated with adulthood is achieving milestones like starting a family or owning a home later than ever. Syarah Hines, a part time freelance food blogger for Fast Food Weekly who participated in a focus group that helped design the Adulting Happy Meal, is excited about seeing the final version reach participating McDonald's restaurants. "It was my idea to include the little figures of patients hooked up to life support with the coloring pages about preparing a living will. I still need to figure out how to use a riding lawn mower, but I'm only 30. I've got time."

Tentative Deal Between Actors and Hollywood Studios Puts Pumpkids Sequel Back on Track for 2024 Release.....

Emeryville, CA - After nearly 4 months of intense negotiations, a tentative deal has been made between the major Hollywood film and television studios and actors, which means that the highly anticipated Pumpkids sequel, The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Patch of Destiny, is back on track for a 2024 fall release.

Agnes O'Pumpkin, voiced again by Dame Judi Dench's sister Trudi, will return from the beyond the grave to ruin the PumpKing Jack Pumpkin's first date after the death of Lady Grumpkin in the last installment of the franchise

"We couldn't be more excited to move forward on The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Patch of Destiny," Pixar Animation Studios president Jim Morris explained. "The script was written by a human this time and it's gold! The animators are being let out of their cages as we speak. The voice actors are lined up. I've got goosebumps. Honest to God Goosebumps! Look at my arms. Look at them!"

Picking up where the last movie left off, with Jack Pumpkin still learning the ins and outs of ruling Pumpkinland while also adjusting to life as a single adoptive father of the mysterious pumpkids after the tragic death of Lady Grumpkin. According to SAG-AFTRA president Fran Drescher, the new Pumpkids movie was a motivating factor in her efforts to bring the strike to a successful end. "I couldn't sleep knowing that I was at least partially to blame for this movie not being made. I'm not saying that I caved on anything because of it, but it was hard. Tonight I'm going to sleep like a kid. No, like a pumpkid!"

Advertisement: USApple Association's Apples for Anna Campaign to Fight Sex Trafficking.....

[The following is a paid advertisement for the USApple Association's Apples for Anna campaign. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

A young girl picking apples for all the young girls who can't, because they are being sex trafficked

We are living through tough times. People are scared. People are hurting. Our children are facing unprecedented hardships, from mass shootings in schools to being forced to hide who they are from the people who should love the unconditionally. There is also sex trafficking, which is really bad.

Sex Trafficking is wrong!

The USApple Association is against sex trafficking. That's why we are proud to announce our "Apple's for Anna" campaign in an effort to raise awareness and to fight back. Who is Anna? Anna is the girl you pass on the street on your way to work. She is the child in the emergency department. She is the woman living in the house next door. She is all women who are being sex trafficked and she needs your help.

How do you like them apples? 

Nothing brings people together better than apples. Whether its a trip to your local orchard on a beautiful fall day to pick a few bushels of fresh Granny Smiths or enjoying a slice of hot apple pie at the end of a long day, apples are the glue that holds society together. The last thing those sex traffickers want is for more honest Americans to eat apples, especially not every day. This is your chance to show them that you don't support what they are doing.

You don't support sex traffickers, right?

Starting today, let's all take the Apples for Anna pledge. Let's all promise to buy more apples, to go apple picking every weekend when available in your area, and to support our local apple growers by calling your state's lawmakers to demand that apples be made mandatory. It's what Anna would have wanted. Did we mention that Anna died? Well she did, from AIDS.

CDP Recommends Americans Cut Back on Handwashing this Winter.....

Tampa, FL - The Centers for Disease Promotion (CDP) has issued updated guidance on ways that Americans can increase their chances of becoming ill with a respiratory virus this winter, with a particular focus on poor hand hygiene. 

A child learning to properly use toilet water to rinse off their hands prior to flushing as recommended by the CDP 

"We recommend washing hands as little as possible over the next few months," CDP Director Sheri McTavish explained. "Basically, if there is any chance that you have come into contact with a respiratory virus like rhinovirus, coronavirus, influenza, and even RSV, you are going to want to stay away from soap and water or any alcohol-based gel or foam hand sanitizers. Oh, and touch your face...a lot."

In the new report, experts at the CDP express concern that an increased focus on illness avoidance strategies, such as handwashing, face masks, and routine vaccinations against popular viruses, could reduce the chance that the diseases they cause will sufficiently impact both healthy and immune compromised populations. According to spokesperson Mort Fishman, MD, people are going to have to try a little harder to get sick this year. "People ask me, Mort, why does the CDP exist? Why is taxpayer money funding an organization that promotes disease? Simple. It's all about balance."

Empire Offers Thoughts and Prayers After Record Number of Sarlacc-Related Fatalities.....

Tatooine - After the record breaking 230th Sarlacc-related fatality this year, colonists living in settlements throughout the Dune Sea are calling for a response from local government officials.

A sarlacc pit located near the home of mysterious groomer Ben Kenobi, who recently ran off with that Skywalker kid, probably to sell him into sex slavery or eat his adrenal gland

"Now is the time for grieving and remembering the lives of our dead," Imperial Governor Tour Aryon explained. "Rather than new laws, the Emperor offers his thoughts and prayers to the people of Tatooine, which I think we can all be truly thankful for, because he could have just cackled and vaporized the entire planet with a giant moon laser, and you guys know he does that. That's like his whole deal."

Not all citizens of Tattoine are satisfied with offers of thoughts and prayers from powerful but out of touch space wizards. According to Lance Harley, a Jawa who lost his mother to a sarlacc pit three years ago, the time has come for real change. "We need common sense sarlacc laws now. If I hear one more asshole tell me that sarlaccs don't kill people, Hutts do, I'm going to very slowly run over them with a sandcrawler."

Halloween 2023 Fails to Invigorate Reeling Drug Dealer Economy.....

Washington, D.C. - Hopes for a Halloween boost to the illicit drug market failed to materialize in 2023, and the nation's dealers are once again left scratching their heads and scrambling to come up with new ideas.

Five trick-or-treating children, only one of which would go on to become a repeat customer after taking home some FUNtanyl-laced candy

"We really thought that this was going to be the Halloween that turned things around for us," Fentanyl Suppliers of American (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "With parents distracted by what's going on with Israel and Hamas, the ongoing civil and criminal trials involving a former president, and the whole thing with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, this seemed like the perfect year to give our products away for free to children by hiding it in candy and then sit back and watch the money pour in somehow. Is it me? Am I bad at my job?"

The FSA, which manages the supply and marketing of fentanyl and several other well known illegal drugs in the United States, has had more misses than hits in recent years when it comes to product promotion. According to Gunderson, however, the buck stops with him. "This is totally on me, but don't count me out just yet. I've got a few great ideas and some big plans for 2024."

Thanks to a source that works at FSA, who we will refer to as Drawl G. in order to protect their identity, wait, that's too obvious...let's go with D. Gunderson, Knudsen's News has obtained a list of potential ideas for marketing drugs to American consumers:

1. A Superbowl ad where Charli D'Amelio offers some edibles to a group of IDF soldiers and Hamas militants in order to help ease tensions, with both groups erupting into a choreographed dance routine to a song from Dixie's new album.

2. A commercial where a young black boy shares his feelings of grief and abandonment with a local drug dealer who helps him to understand that dropping acid is a way to feel connected to his recently deceased father.

3. New Cocaine (TOP SECRET: then after a few months we switch back to Classic Cocaine!)

4. Roll out a pink Himalayan crystal meth in some markets to appeal to New Age addicts

5. Rebranding N-(1-(2-phenethyl)-4-piperidinyl-N-phenyl-propanamide with a series of print and online ads where a bunch of attractive models liven up a boring pool party with some FUNtanyl-laced Molly.