Drug Traffickers Issue Recall of Fentanyl Designed to Look Like Jordan Almonds.....

Washington, D.C. - A group in Washington representing the nation's fentanyl dealers has issued a full recall of the latest batch of product designed to addict children, this time by mimicking the look of Jordan Almonds.

This adorable bag, which contains enough fentanyl-laced Jordan almonds to kill every wedding guest in Pittsburgh, died from a contact overdose last week

"It has quickly become apparent that kids in the United States just aren't big fans of almonds and it's time to cut our losses," Fentanyl Suppliers of America spokesperson Jimothy Pinkman admitted. "Someone in our market research division dropped the ball and heads are going to roll."

All across the United States, small decorative lace bags of fentanyl-infused candy coated almonds are going undealt, and fentanyl traffickers worry that this may result in a significant decrease in overall addiction rates among children. According to some experts, like drug dealer and historian Spike "Kid Candy" Levinson, this isn't the first time the trafficking community has swung and missed in a big way. "This reminds me of the "New Crack" roll out in 1985. We couldn't give that stuff away either."

DEA Issues Warning as Fentanyl Dealers Target Nation's Grandparents.....

 Arlington, VA - The United States Drug Enforcement Administration is warning about a new scheme being used to illicitly market fentanyl to the nation's grandmothers and grandfathers by disguising it as terrible candy.

This bowl, shown here containing enough fentanyl hard candy to kill every grandparent in Pittsburgh, was broken while in police custody last week

"It's a deliberate effort to drive addiction among older Americans with grandchildren," Anne Milgram, DEA Administrator, explained. "We are finding fentanyl designed to look like Werther's Originals, Bit-O-Honeys, unlabeled loose mints, and even those weird strawberry candies with the goopy center."

The men and women of the DEA are working tirelessly to stop the trafficking of so-called "fogie fentanyl" ahead of the holiday season, when grandparents tend to stock up on these awful treats in anticipation of Halloween and potential family visits. According to Milgram, every day brings new challenges. "We just found the first case of fentanyl made to look like a HALLS Mentho-Lyptus cough drop. These bastards always seem to be one step ahead of us."

Experts are Warning Parents About New Halloween Dangers.....

Washington, DC - Pediatric safety experts and politicians in Washington are teaming up to warn parents about potential new dangers to be on the lookout for this Halloween.

6-year-old Timmy Watkins, a convicted drug trafficker shown here with enough iocane covered raisins to kill every man, woman, and child in Pittsburgh, died in police custody last week

"Iocane powder has no odor, no taste, and will dissolve instantly when sprinkled on candy," Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) explained during a recent press conference. "That means loose M&M's, Skittles, and even raisins, which are nature's candy, are a threat to children."

The Commission on Safety for Kids (CSK), a Republican effort to ensure that children aren't exposed to anything dangerous on Halloween, is asking for parents to be wary of any loose candy or treats handed out in homemade bags. According to CSK spokesperson Cassie Frumph, it only takes exposure to one unsafe or thought provoking trick or treat for a child to die or ask uncomfortable questions. "Halloween is about having fun, and fatal car accidents, not exposure to deadly poisons or new ideas."

The CSK has released a list of items for parents to watch for on October 31st, particularly when inspecting their child's Halloween haul:

1. Loose candy

2. Woke

3. Tiny immigrants

4. Abortion stickers

5. Puberty blockers

6. Drag queens reading books 

7. Gay dads

8. Wind turbines

9. Critical race theory

10. Black people voting