Astrology Researchers Discover Epigenetic Influences of Your Birth Sign.....

Laguna Beach, CA- A complete mystery for thousands of years, the underlying mechanism at the heart of astrology may now be fully understood. Researchers at the Astrological Research Institute (ARI) in Laguna Beach have released the findings of an exhaustive year-long survey which proves beyond reasonable doubt that the influence of the positions of the stars on future health is epigenetic in nature. The study authors were so confident in the robustness of their findings that they chose to bring them straight to the public in order to avoid a lengthy peer review process that would delay widespread societal benefit.

An Epigenetic Astrologer, shown here demonstrating the ancient technique of Rhinomancy, can predict a poopy diaper nearly half the time

"Epigenetics is the science of change at the level of individual DNA base pairs and in the cellular machinery that creates the proteins that build our bodies," Astrologer and Scientist-in-Residence at ARI Tobias Tarkington explained. "Subtle energies determined by celestial alignments have long been known to influence the human body and now we know exactly how they do it."

The study, which was sent out to all United States citizens, including Washington D.C. and Porto Rico, involved a series of questions which used a comfort scale developed specifically for this research. Respondents were asked to rate their comfort with accepting that either epigenetics or astrology played a key role in determining their future, but not both according to Tarkington. "The survey was blinded and placebo controlled because subjects in Pool A didn't know any of the subjects in Pool B to the best of our knowledge and every 5th survey sent out was just a blank piece of paper."

New Study Challenges Scientific Consensus on Monkey-Penguin Relations.....

Lexington, KY-A study, published today in Online Publishing Module #1,014 - Applied Applications, appears to reverse a century of scientific consensus on the interactions between monkeys and penguins. 

A monkey-penguin hybrid, recently discovered just hanging around the San Diego zoo, was specifically predicted by Charles Darwin's less popular twin brother Larry

"If you had spoken to a primatologist or ornithologist prior to this publication, they would have told you of the intense hatred between the two species with certainty," Zoologist Adam Sasaki explained. "It's difficult to accept the new findings because the evidence up till now has pointed in a very different direction. But their study design is flawless. It looks like monkeys and penguins actually get along pretty well."

But at least one scientist, cryptozoologist Lars Pinkerton, is recommending caution in interpreting the findings in the paper. "One study isn't enough to warrant the 180 degree change in opinion that appears to be going on in scientific circles. You have to look at the entirety of the literature on the subject. Also I've never even seen a monkey and a penguin together in the same room."

Groundbreaking Functional MRI Study Reveals Secrets of Functional MRI Research.....

Functional magnetic resonance immaging (fMRI) researchers are now one step closer to understanding the mysterious inner workings of functional magnetic resonance imaging researchers.

An fMRI image, taken at the exact instant an fMRI researcher thought about fMRI research on fMRI researchers, has pretty colors.

The excessive desire to perform research using fMRI has been a condition that has left many experts scratching their heads for years, largely because fMRI-based claims of causality are considered questionable by many neuroscience researchers. Now, researchers from Sweden have found that inappropriate reliance on fMRI findings is linked to abnormal activity in parts of the brain that process and enjoy bright blobs of light and multiple comparisons.

Dr. Morto Salmone, the Editor-in-Chief of Online Publishing Module #437- Brain Connections and Such, is particularly excited about the new study:

"Functional MRI obsession is an understudied condition with an unknown cause that can only be diagnosed by its symptoms. This study is an important first step in understanding how the brain is involved in the widespread employment of reverse inferences that is so characteristic of the disorder."

For the study, 15 researchers with classic symptoms of fMRI obsession, and 20 healthy volunteers that were hanging out at an area Dave & Busters with nothing better to do, underwent fMRI scanning while exposed to images culled from a variety of previous fMRI studies. Prior to this test, the machines had been calibrated to account for each participant's level of pattern recognition. Studies performed in the past have demonstrated that pattern recognition may be dependent on genetic expression and is unique to an individual. As expected by the researchers, subjects suffering from fMRI obsession found more patterns in randomly generated images.

Interestingly, analysis of the resulting scans showed significant differences in brain patterns between the healthy participants and those with fMRI obsession. The fMRI obsessed researchers showed "functional decoupling," a decreased connectivity between regions devoted to pattern recognition and brain areas involved with executive function. It's all very interesting, and only a stupid person would be confused by this.

The authors suggest this reduction in brain connectivity could impair pattern perception, potentially increasing sensitivity to random noise and pretty, pretty colors. They are calling for additional research into the phenomenon, and for lawmakers to consider stiff prison sentences for researchers demonstrating symptoms. "It's better to be safe and lock these people up."

Knudsen's Creative Corner: My Frontal Lobe.....

The following was submitted by long time Knudsen's News reader Dr. Mort Fishman

Actor Jon Hamm, shown here stepping up onto a curb

My Frontal Lobe

My frontal lobe is my best friend. Every morning I wake up and remember how lucky I am to have one. It helps me to get out of bed in the morning and to fix myself a nutritious breakfast. It helps me to brush my teeth and fix my hair. It helps me to pick out what outfit to wear. I love my frontal lobe. Without my frontal lobe, I could never do all of the wonderful things that I do every day. 

I never take my frontal lobe for granted. I take it with me everywhere I go. One time I took my frontal lobe to the zoo and it threw rocks at the monkeys. My frontal lobe helps me read books and articles so that I can be a good doctor. After we study, my frontal lobe and I love to watch Dawson's Creek reruns and eat Totino's microwave pizza. My favorite color is blue but my frontal lobe's favorite color is green. I would hold my frontal lobe's hand but my parietal lobe won't let me. It is jealous. My frontal lobe has the most beautiful deep bass voice and loves Sam Smith as both a singer and a human being.

Sometimes my frontal lobe gets mad at me. It has a bad temper. Usually it's my fault though because I don't do what it tells me to do. Sometimes I drink too much and it gives me hepatic failure. My frontal lobe is the most powerful frontal lobe in the whole world. One time my occipital lobe was being mean so my frontal lobe made an example of it in front of my entire brain and I was blind for three months.

One time I made my frontal lobe mad because I worked out too hard when it was tired and had a headache. I said I was sorry but it was so upset that it gave me left-sided neglect and I had half a beard from 1978 through 1981. My frontal lobe gives me a gold star for every time I make it all night without going potty. My frontal lobe can beat up your frontal lobe. My frontal lobe thinks my limbic system is an emotional mess and is planning to have it infarcted.

I like to write poetry about my frontal lobe as well, but it is shy and only allows me to write in the form of a haiku. My frontal lobe lets me breathe when I behave. I am scared of my frontal lobe. Help me. My frontal lobe is evil and it can hear my thoughts. My frontal lobe has plans for all of you.

The Food Baby!

Frank Hunt, the Food Baby, shown here doing research on forever chemicals in baby foods and coming up with a catchy title for his next post, something like "More Like For-Never Chemicals!"

Did you know that your food is full of toxic chemicals?

Hi. Now that I have your attention, my name is Frank Hunt, but I'm probably better known as "The Food Baby." Why the name? It's because I love food...and I'm a 7-month-old-baby.

Did you know that most chronic illness is caused by our unhealthy modern diet, most of which was created in a laboratory using science and ingredients that I can't pronounce because they are more than one syllable?

Did you know that my daddy ceases to exist whenever he puts his hands in front of his face? But greedy corporations can't hide the truth about dangerous ingredients from me, as long as they don't put it behind their back or under a blanket.

In the 7 months since I was born into a birthing pond in the backyard of my parents' home in Lansing, Michigan, I've learned a lot about health and nutrition. Like how most infant formulas contains endocrine disrupters or how I'm terrified of strangers. I'm going to share all my knowledge with you so that you can go out into the world prepared to be as healthy as possible.

I wasn't always so healthy though. When I was born that day amongst the koi, I was large-for-gestational age. For weeks I couldn't do anything but feed and evacuate my bladder and bowels. Talk about a crib potato!

When I developed colic and a fungal diaper rash, I knew it was time to take matters into my own hand using a raking motion or perhaps by picking it up between my thumb and forefinger.

My newfound inspiration helped me to focus on food ingredients, even when they were held more than 8 to 10 inches from my face and moved from one end of my field of vision to the other. No longer content to just lay on my back, I turned both ways to accept my past dietary mistakes and move forward into a healthier tomorrow. Now, a much slimmer 50th percentile in weight and length, I can sit unsupported with my head held steady and high.

Won't you join me?