Wonka Chocolate Factory Owner Faces Backlash After Suggesting Consumers Save Money by Chewing Gum for Dinner.....

Wonkaville - The CEO of Wonka Chocolate Factory is facing criticism after suggesting in an interview on This Week in Wonkavilla that townsfolk struggling to put food on the table could save money by chewing the factory's Three Course Dinner chewing gum for dinner instead.

Former factory owner Willard Wilbur Wonka, shown here holding a prototype of the Three Course Dinner chewing gum and just prior to the tragic death of a child touring the factory with her father

"The chewing gum category has always been quite affordable and it's probably more on trend now," current Wonka Chocolate Factory owner Charlie Bucket explained. "If you think about the cost of gum for a family versus potatoes and cabbages, it tends to be a great destination when consumers are under pressure."

Bucket's comments have not been well received, with many pointing out that gum, even if it is the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world, is not a satisfying or nutritionally complete meal replacement option. But Bucket isn't backing down. "Like Grandpa Joe always said, people who don't listen are nitwits. Maybe it's time to give chicken the night off. This gum is almost like the real thing, starting with tomato soup, roast beef, and baked potato, and then finishing with blueberry pie and cream. And it hasn't made anyone explode in decades."

Zithromax May Soon Be Available in Powerful New Amulet Form.....

New York City - American multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation Pfizer has announced that it is seeking FDA approval of a powerful new amulet form of its popular antibiotic Zithromax.

Subject #17, shown here wearing a prototype Zithromax amulet during a recent study in patients who think they might be coming down with a cold 

"Zithromax is a name that prescribers and patients have learned to trust since it first hit the market in 1991," Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "But we are always seeking to develop new and innovative ways to improve access and adherence to our lifesaving and life changing pharmaceuticals."

If approved, patients prescribed a Zithromax amulet (marketed as Z-Pec) will be advised to begin wearing the provided necklace with the drug-infused pendant hanging against the anterior chest wall at the first sign of illness. According to Bourla, the official indication will upper respiratory infections, but there will likely be additional benefits. "We have studied the Z-Pec in thousands of people in several phase 3 trials, and it is every bit as effective as oral Zithromax when it comes to the treatment of cough, runny nose, and sore throat. And not a single subject was attacked by a tiger at any point during these studies. Not even once."

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[The following is a paid advertisement for Bulletproof Achieve® infant formula. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] 

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Vinay Prasad Announces Plan to Publish a Book of Pandemic Inspired Poetry for Children.....

San Francisco, CA - Vinay Prasad, a controversial medical doctor and critic of what he believes has been an overbearing and ultimately harmful government response to the pandemic, has announced plans to publish a book of Poetry inspired by his experiences over the past four years.

Vinay Prasad, shown here visiting "Imagination Land", the magical place in his mind where he goes to write his poems and to dream his dreams

"This was a logical next step after the success of my children's book last year," Prasad, an oncologist and health researcher at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Cora's Coronavirus Conniption, explained. "I've sat near several children, on buses and once at petting zoo, and I know how they think. I know that the best way to reach them is through the magic of the written word, especially when some of those words rhyme, such as the ones at the end of the sentences."

In addition to his books, articles, newsletters, and social media outreach, the busy physician and science communicator has also released a line of microwave meals. According to Prasad, people shouldn't have to choose between their career and their diet. "When you're busy saving children from the slavery of face masks, you don't always have time to cook. That's why I designed my meals to prevent a Holocaust of hunger with delicious but healthy options that are ready to eat after only two minutes in the microwave."

The following is an excerpt from one of Dr. Prasad's poems, "A Child's Lament":

My doctor says it's just a poke

He says a funny little joke 

While Mommy signs the dotted line

And promises I'll be just fine

We do not want it in our arms

Until there is data on the harms

And what about our little hearts

And other special body parts 

Who speaks for those who have no voice

Who fights for those who have no choice

Here lies a child who once was told

A vaccine helps them to grow old

The ground I'm buried in is cold...so cold

More Americans Born Underwater, Study Finds.....

Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a recently published study looking into where Americans are choosing to have their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Research Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

A mother explaining to her child how the emptiness inside her will never be filled because she was forced into the world by a cold and sterile medical-industrial complex instead of welcomed by the loving energy of these fish 

"Although the study was designed to investigate the popularity and driving forces behind the delivery of babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix explained. "It looks like non-hospital delivery options have expanded well beyond the more traditional options, such as cars, elevators, or the kitchen table."

According to the study, which was published in Online Publishing Module #2,780: Birth and Birth-Adjacent Modalities, greater than 50% of Americans are now delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of an aquatic midwife, water doula, or theme park mermaid. Mort Fishman, MD, the medical director at Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that the study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and a desire for a more natural and drug-free childbirth:

When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of koi fish, you wouldn't dream of even considering another species for your future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, some calming aromatherapy, and this organic leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue.

The results of the year-long survey may not come as much of a surprise to pop culture experts. A growing trend among celebrities over the past few years, so-called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a Discovery Channel reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the joyous event. Another episode documented Noah Bublé, son of singer Michael Bublé and singer Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute deployed.

Largest U.S. Organization of Experts in Adult Medicine to Offer Training in Pediatrics.....

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia-based American College of Physicians, an organization of adult medicine doctors with more than 160,000 members, has announced that it will begin offering a Diplomate in Clinical Medical Pediatrics (DCMP) in 2025.

DCMP instructor Dr. Mort Fishman, an internal medicine doctor in Pittsburgh and ACP Master, shown here silently judging a 5-year-old child with fecal incontinence

"The ACP is the largest medical-specialty organization and second-largest physician group in the United States after the AMA," ACP President Omar T. Atiq explained. "And with the extraordinary experience of our internist instructors combined with the latest pediatric information available in textbooks and online, this program is a must if you are thinking about caring for children in your clinical practice."

The DCMP program is structured on the science, art, and philosophy of pediatrics and will include more than 360 hours of instruction, combining both classroom and online modules. According to DCMP instructor Mort Fishman, an internal medicine physician for nearly four decades, the curriculum is comprehensive. "In addition to the learning modules, which were designed by a panel of adult medicine experts such as myself, there will also be a mandatory presentation before a panel of academic adult subspecialists, and a research paper on a common pediatric topic for submission to the Annals of Internal Medicine's new "Kidz Zone" section."

Republican Fears Realized as Swift Cancels Super Bowl, Makes Move to Consolidate Power.....

New York - Republican politicians and their base of conservative voters are reeling as news spreads of an announcement from Taylor Swift that will all but ensure a Biden victory in November and pave her path to power.

Swift, who is prone to fits of rage when her authority is questioned, is shown here reminding a crowd of reporters that she alone will decide who gets to be president

"I'm not telling people who they should or shouldn't vote for y'all," Swift explained during a press conference held today at Republic Records' Manhattan headquarters. "I'm just saying that I don't see myself putting out any new music or organizing any new tours in Trump's America."

Swift, a popular singer and songwriter who has developed a cult-like following of irrational fans, millions of which are of voting age and will blindly comply with her every demand, has also recently taken over the NFL. According to league commissioner Roger Goodell, this is only the beginning of her reign of terror. "You didn't hear this from me, but don't expect there to be much football played at her surprise concert in Las Vegas Sunday night. Those boys will have great seats for the show, and that's better than any fancy ring."

Advertisement: World's First Concealed Holster Acupressure System for Sciatic Pain

[The following is a paid advertisement for the ReActiv+. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] 

Sciatic nerve pain, commonly known as sciatica, affects millions of people around the world every day. The severe lower back and leg pain experienced by people with sciatica can make it hard to do many of the everyday things that we often take for granted, like yelling at people wearing an N95 surgical mask at the library, and it can significantly reduce a sufferer's quality of life. But does it put you and your family at risk of being murdered, probably by an immigrant that just walked across the border, just walked across like they were crossing the street to buy eggs?

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Sciatica expert Mort Fishman, one of the last white male physicians in America, shown here recommending the ReActiv+ holster because this isn't even America anymore

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Solomon Grundy Calls for Ceasefire in Gaza.....

Slaughter Swamp, NJ - As tensions continue to rise in the Middle East 4 months after the October 7th Hamas terrorist attack against Israel, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy is calling for a ceasefire in Gaza in the hopes of preventing further escalation and loss of life.

Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing obstacles to a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with a group of international policy makers that he would later crush to death with a Ford Excursion

"This is a complex issue without a simple solution," U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken explained. "Nobody is expecting there to be peace in the region overnight, and this isn't necessarily an official endorsement by the White House, but I think that maybe that evil zombie has a point."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while completing an International Affairs Fellowship through the Council on Foreign Relations. He is calling for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza and believes that the only chance for lasting peace is an agreement to put an end to the suffering of the innocent, particularly children. "Genocide bad! No bomb hospitals! Don't make Solomon Grundy come down there! Me have friend in Gaza City."

Scientists Genetically Modify Sorghum to Experience Pain.....

Near Harvard - A group of scientists near Harvard have announced a breakthrough in the application of biotechnology to crops consumed by humans involving the development of a sorghum strain that experiences intense pain during harvesting.

A field of sorghum, shown here suffering from blinding and unrelenting pain yet unable to beg for death because it has no mouths with which to scream

"This is something we've been working on for several years," Project leader Magnus Jergens explained. "Not only does this particular stain feel pain, it is a searing pain that most people would find completely unbearable. It's a 'Just let me die and end my suffering' sort of experience, but it doesn't work that way. It just keeps feeling the pain for hours and hours."

Genetic engineers and molecular biologists around the world are calling this one of the most important milestones in the field in decades. Jergens, who previously helped develop a strain of rice that contains higher levels of protein and feels a deep sense of regret, agrees. "This sorghum won't increase crop yields and it isn't more nutritious. In fact, it's probably less healthy and more sensitive to drought than other strains. But there is a beauty in the suffering that leads us to a sense of humility and a deeper appreciation of what we have, and that brings us closer to God."