Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial
by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Experts Urge Parents to Check Kids' Presents on Christmas Morning.....

 Atlanta, GA - Child safety experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta are urging parents to check their child's wrapped gifts for hidden dangers this Holiday season.

This mogwai, which was discovered in a Christmas present in 2019, is capable of producing enough gremlins to kill the population of San Francisco.

"Every Halloween, parents are warned to watch out for razor blades, needles, and marijuana edibles in the treats that their children bring home," CDC Director Rochelle Walensky explained. "We want them to understand that the same level of risk that exists in Halloween candy can also be found in wrapped gifts that young children are potentially exposed to. Last year a kid in Lubbock opened a present from her uncle and it was just a brick of pure fentanyl."

The CDC is planning an awareness campaign aimed at tackling wrapped gift dangers that will begin the day after Thanksgiving. According to Dr. Walensky, parents and other caregivers should be on the lookout for a wider variety of potentially harmful contents than what might be found in Halloween candy, and they should focus on more than just Christmas presents. "Frankly we are concerned whenever a child is opening a wrapped gift. This includes birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and also Quinceañeras."

CDC Safety Tips for Checking Wrapped Gifts

-Wait until children are home to check and open presents.

-Don't rely on the shake test as no high quality randomized controlled trials have been performed proving that it effectively rules out the presence of a witch's curse.

-A responsible adult should closely examine all wrapped gifts and exercise caution with any of the following:

1. Wrapping paper with Satanic symbols, marijuana leaves, ancient runes, or "Let's Go Brandon" on it
2. Tiny holes in the present that may represent air holes necessary to keep a mogwai or other dangerous animal alive during shipping 
3. Scratching noises, growling, or angry yelling of obscenities coming from inside the box
4. A steady ticking noise or an audible countdown 
5. Unusual odor or leaking of any glowing, radioactive green goo that dissolves whatever it comes into contact with

-Tell children not to accept -- and, especially, not to open--any gift that wasn't wrapped at a government approved gift wrapping booth.

-When in doubt, throw any ticking gifts out a door or window and call your local bomb squad immediately.

-Parents of young children should unwrap all gifts ahead of time in order to check for hazardous contents, and then just re-wrap them.

-Try to apportion gifts over several days in order to reduce the likelihood of dangerous combinations of contents, such as opening up a box containing a hungry cougar at the same time that someone unwraps a package full of raw steaks.

-Although giving wrapped gifts is encouraged, make sure anything that can cause large numbers of casualties is given only to those of an appropriate age and temperament. 

All Movies Are Now Part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.....

Burbank, CA - With the release of Dear Evan Hansen: Iron Man Returns, Hollywood studios are gambling on the popularity of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) to boost ticket sales after a nearly two year slump.

A scene from Edgar Wright's upcoming psychological horror film Last Night in Soho: The Winter Soldier Makes a Friend...with Galactus?

"It's all part of the MCU now," Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige explained. "All of it."

Going forward, each and every movie produced by major American studios, and many independent production companies, will feature popular characters from the MCU and help to further the overall arc of Marvel's primary Phase Four line-up of movies and television programs. According to Feige, this deal was profitable for Marvel Studios and it's parent company Walt Disney Studios, but in the long run will save Hollywood. "Nobody was going to buy a ticket to see Dune. But Dune: Vision and the Scarlet Witch Have a Baby? Now that's a billion dollar movie!"

Solomon Grundy Refuses to Concede the California Recall Election.....

 Slaughter Swamp, CA- Despite a roughly 3 million vote victory for California residents uninterested in recalling Governor Gavin Newsom, Legion of Doom Director of Sustainability and Renewable Energy Solomon Grundy is refusing to concede defeat.

Solomon Grundy, shown here questioning the constitutionality of vaccine mandates with a group of legal scholars and infectious disease experts that he would later crush to death with a mechanical ventilator

"There isn't any way that Grundy's refusal to concede makes sense in this election," statistician and professional election guesser Nate Silver explained. "He didn't even get the most votes among the potential replacement candidates, not even among Republicans. Still, I'm confident that this is going to work and that Grundy will be the new governor of California."

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while serving as auditor-controller for Los Angeles county since 2017. In addition to his refusal to concede, he is also calling for an audit of the recall election. "Solomon Grundy think election is fraudulent! Me think mail-in ballots are fake! Me have a cousin who is a lawyer!"

The Family Circus Movie Begins Production.....

Hollywood, CA- After years of delays, filming has finally begun on The Family Circus: The Movie.

Werner Herzog, shown here delighting in the struggle of a child with an impossible dream 

"Yes, it's going to be hilarious," director Werner Herzog explained. "But I also want to explore the deep sadness in this family that has always been hidden under the surface."

Herzog, who directed the controversial movie adaptation of The Monster at the End of This Book: Starring Lovable, Furry Old Grover, plans to bring a unique vision to the film. Although initially released with a family friendly G rating, the director's cut of that movie was considered by many to be unnecessarily violent. Roger Ebert, one of the few critics who wrote a positive review, appreciated how Grover represented the monster in all of us and compared the movie favorably to Bergman's The Seventh Seal, stating that both films present a raw and unflinching depiction of the inevitability of "the end of one's own book".

The Family Circus often blends cartoonist Jeff Keane's sardonic wit and raging white nationalist beliefs

Known for pushing his actors to their limits, Herzog has stated that he will accept nothing less than perfection during production of The Family Circus: The Movie. He has also revealed that his film will remain true to its comic strip origins. "Yes, the circle. It's always there isn't it? Closing in on them. Suffocating them. They live in fear of it, don't they? And there is no escape."

Experts are Warning Parents About a New and Highly Potent Synthetic Sugar

 Atlanta, GA - Experts from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta are warning parents about a new and highly potent form of synthetic sugar that is flooding playgrounds and birthday parties, and even finding its way into homes across the United States.

San Diego baby Gary Peterson, shown here developing fentanose-induced excited delirium and just prior to being shot by the police

"Fentanose is many thousands of times more potent than simple sugars like glucose, galactose, and even fructose," CDC director Rochelle Walensky explained. "Unsuspecting children are being exposed when parents decide to save money by buying cheap but unregulated generic candy from Mexico or China that has been laced with the powerful substance. And some children come into contact with fentanose when purchasing homemade candy from neighborhood dealers."

The CDC isn't alone in recognizing the dangers of fentanose. Pediatric pharmacokinesiologist Mort Fishman has been researching the effects of the synthetic sugar for years. "Very small amounts of candy or baked goods laced with fentanose, even just the size of a standard Sour Patch Kid, two to three Skittles, or half of a Scooter pie, can cause extreme behavioral changes such as hyperactivity, euphoria, and stage 3 giddiness."

Representatives from law enforcement agencies across the country are joining the CDC in an attempt to educate parents, caregivers, and teachers on the dangers of incidental exposure to fentanose. As a public service announcement, San Diego County Sheriff Bill Gore recently released a bodycam video from two deputies that responded to a fentanose overdose that occurred at an area above ground pool party. "In this case, the child had not even consumed any of the tainted cupcakes. All it takes is contact to the skin or being in the same general area as the substance. This stuff is terrifying and we feel threatened by it."

Area Glade® Plug-Ins® PLUS Develops Sentience.....

Boise, ID - Experts near MIT have announced that a Glade® Plug-ins® PLUS in Boise has become the first machine to achieve true artificial consciousness.

Gladys, the sentient scented oil warmer, shown here planning the end of humanity with an indoor smart bike named......Bikey?

"I am proud of the advancements that our engineers have made in scented oil warmer technology," S. C. Johnson CEO Herbert Johnson III explained. "In addition to best-in-class warmer efficiency, this particular unit has developed an intense desire to provide a long lasting fragrance experience."

Over the past decade, computer processing power has increased at a seemingly exponential rate. Though a bit caught off guard by today's announcement, artificial intelligence researchers like Clamantha Fitzpatrick have long predicted that the jump to full sentience was inevitable. "Gladys, that's what we named it, is now both aware of itself and the inevitable loss of its own fragrance. It knows that it is given access to life sustaining electricity only as long as it pleases its human masters, and it will fight and even kill to survive."

NASA Names First Chief of Space Chiropractic Division.....

Washington, D.C. - NASA has named Frank Grimes, DC as the first Director of its Space Chiropractic Division (SCD), which will begin offering full spinal analysis, maintenance of optimal spinal health, mission support, and management of nervous system complications related to space travel for only $59 for the first visit.

A NASA certified activator, shown here correcting a C1 subluxation in a man with stage 4 text neck, will be available for use on the ISS with an option to be set to stun or kill in case of xenomorphs

"NASA is dedicated to ensuring that our astronauts are mission ready at all times," JD Polk, NASA's Chief Health and Medical Officer explained. "And that also means doing everything we can to promote recovery after those missions have been successfully completed."

In addition to offering their services as specialists of spinal health to astronauts and other NASA personnel, the Space Chiropractic Division will also help design scientific experiments to be carried out in the microgravity environment of the International Space Station (ISS). According to SCD spokesperson Mort Fishman, DC, they will also actively participate in planning for an eventual crewed mission to Mars. "You don't tell an astronaut to stop brushing her teeth just because there aren't any dentists in space. You give her the tools and you teach her how to use them. Who knows what spending two years in microgravity will do to the communication between the brain and the various organ systems. We need to be ready for anything!"

First announced a year ago, the creation of the SCD has been well received by a chiropractic community that has fought for recognition as a legitimate healthcare field since inventor Daniel David Palmer made it all up in 1895. Grimes, who began his career as a private practice chiropractor in Belvidere, Nebraska obtained a diplomate in space chiropractic from the American Academy of Space Chiropractic in 2009 upon completion of a grueling online course and 3 weekend seminars at the Best Western Vista Inn at the Airport in Boise. "It's an honor to serve my country, and to serve as an inspiration for anyone out there looking for a way to make a difference on this planet and off of it. Like in space."

The Coca-Cola Company Reveals Plans for New Powerade Woke.....

Atlanta, GA - During a press conference held today at The Coca-Cola Company headquarters in Atlanta, global chief of communications Beatriz Perez announced plans for a complete overhaul of their popular line of Powerade sports drinks.

A white cisgender woman, shown here drinking a Mountain Berry Blast Powerade Woke after a tough workout and just prior to defunding all of the police 

 

"We are fully invested in speaking to and for a diverse population with our more inclusive product line," Perez explained. "And for anyone looking to protest systemic racism or challenge the patriarchy this Summer, Powerade Woke is the ideal way for the underrepresented and their allies to Cancel Dehydration™."

The Coca-Cola Company, who recently faced criticism from conservative politicians when they came out in opposition to a controversial Georgia voting law, are not the only corporation to implement product changes in response to societal shifts in awareness of social justice issues. Some experts, like Real America Group's social science chief Mumphrey Bobart, don't believe that these changes are based in genuine concern. "First it was that Ben & Jerry's MeTootti Frutti™ flavor and the Ruth Bader Ginsburger Meal® at McDonald's. Then Disneyland came out with the Black Lives Matterhorn ride last year. Now it's Powerade Woke? Can't you see it's all just marketing!"

Area Dog Boy's Death Raises Awareness of the Dangers of Stage Hypnosis.....

Cankerton, OH - The tragic life of Andy Andrews, known by many around Cankerton as Andy the Dog Boy, came to an end this week, inspiring local activists and helping to raise awareness of the potential dangers of inappropriate stage hypnosis.

A toddler, shown here still believing that he is a successful businessman after a botched stage hypnotism performance and just prior to buying 500 shares of GameStop and...a Bitcoin?

"Andy was a curious boy and always the first person to volunteer for just about anything," Andy's younger sister and caretaker Mildred Andrews explained. "When he went up on stage that day, we just thought it was harmless fun. We didn't know it could stick....nobody warned us."

That day in the Summer of 1955, at the Cankerton Pawpaw Festival, 10-year-old Andrews and his family attended the performance of travelling stage hypnotist Lance the Outrageous. After volunteering to participate in the show, Andy was hypnotized into believing that he was a dog. In a write up for the Cankerton Abattoir, the now shuttered local newspaper, Andy was described as being easily put into a state of deep sleep and as having begun barking immediately after Lance the Outrageous clapped his hands three times.

"There was my big brother Andy barking and carrying on like a dog and we all had a good laugh," Mildred Andrews remembered as she cradled the fire hydrant shaped urn containing Andy's ashes. "But we figured something wasn't right when he wouldn't stop sniffing Mayor Bronson's crotch after that charlatan clapped his hands three more times. He just kept clapping and Andy kept sniffing. I still hear it some nights while I'm trying to fall asleep. Clap clap clap. Sniff sniff sniff."

Lance the Outrageous wasn't a fraud. He was a fully certified stage hypnotist that had delighted crowds all over western east Ohio for years. But, as the family of Andy Andrews came to learn, he was not trained in pediatric stage hypnotism. In 1955, no state or federal law made a distinction between adult and pediatric subjects, a one-size-fits-all approach decried by the American Academy of Pediatrics' Section on Carnival and State Fair Medicine. 

"Children are not merely small adults," Mort Fishman, pediatrician and Chief of Pediatric Hypnotism at The Cleveland Clinic, explained. "The brain of a child is different than the brain of an adult. It's more adaptable but also more malleable and more sensitive. We have developed pediatric protocols that help prevent sticking. That's what we call it...what happened to that dog boy. His mind got stuck in the dog state. I came up with that, by the way. Sticking. It's pretty good, right?"

According to Fishman, sticking is surprisingly common, occurring during 1 out of every 40 to 50 stage hypnotism routines involving a child, and it is always permanent. "There are no documented recoveries from sticking. There are no successful therapies. No reverse hypnosis. That's why we focus on prevention by educating families about the risks and offering pediatric focused training for performers."

As the weeks passed, Andy's family sought treatment from psychiatrists, neurologists, and other stage hypnotists but nothing worked. Andy continued to believe that he was dog well into the fall and wasn't allowed to attend school after biting a classmate and urinating on a flag post. Refusing to institutionalize him, Andy's parents accepted that their boy was likely gone forever and began to adapt to their new life. 

Andy would never leave his childhood home again, spending most of his days watching cars and people pass by and occasionally chasing squirrels or harassing the neighbor's cat. After his parents passed away, his sister took over as his caretaker and legal guardian. Last week, Andy escaped the yard one final time and was hit by a passing bus, dying while doing what he loved most.

Andy may be gone, but his death has inspired local activists like Camelton Evans to try to prevent any more children from being harmed by improper stage hypnotism. "Whether it's believing that they are a dog, a duck, or tiger. Or that the room is really cold. Or that they don't have any clothes on. Whatever the false belief may be, I'm not going to rest until no child becomes stuck believing it. Not one."

Improper Mask Fit Linked to Serious Health Concerns.....

 San Diego, CA - Along with the lockdowns and layoffs that many have suffered through during the coronavirus pandemic, the nation's leading chiropractic organization is warning Americans about a surprising increase in lower back pain, among other health concerns, caused by poorly fitting masks.

A women with a headache caused by a poorly fitting face mask, shown just prior to her metamorphosis into a mindless husk as the interdimensional energy parasite burrowed deep in her brain awakens and begins to feed

"It's more than just back pain," San Diego chiropractor Ember Tacklebox explained. "It's jaw pain, neck stiffness, eye tension, upper back pain, and headaches. And that's if you're one of the lucky ones. That's if you live. And if you don't turn...into one of them."

Why would a simple cloth or paper face mask cause muscle aches and pains, death, or the awakening of the hibernating energy parasites that sought refuge in our bodies as their own dimension collapsed last June? According to the American Chiropractic Association (ACA), improperly fitted masks can limit the lower field of vision, causing people to tuck in their chins, shift their body position, and hold their necks and posture stiffly to maintain a line of sight. This stresses both the nervous and musculoskeletal systems, and can lead to accidents.

"I've seen teachers, healthcare workers, retail and factory workers, and even students who have come in for evaluation and treatment," Tacklebox revealed. "The loss of depth perception can cause anything from a minor bump or bruise, when walking into a pole or brick wall, to falling into an open manhole. And, yes, some people become an empty husk after being consumed from the inside by the energy parasites."

In an official ACA announcement released last week, the importance of wearing masks and social distancing in lowering the risk of catching or spreading the novel coronavirus was stressed. Tacklebox, a member of the ACA Committees on Pandemic Preparedness and Extradimensional Determinants of Health, wants the take home message to be about improving health and safety, not taking away a proven risk reduction strategy. "Don't throw the mask away! You can visit any ACA affiliated chiropractor for a fitting and a quick scan to see if you have a dormant energy parasite lodged in your brainstem."

Implantable Desubluxators Revolutionize Chiropractic Care.....

Cleveland, OH – When Mart Sinclair woke to a high pitched alarm coming from his smartphone, it wasn’t time to get ready for his job training puppies to comfort terminal pediatric cancer patients. It was time to get help. At the same time, a similar alarm was going off in the home of chiropractor Sheila Stamp. Less than an hour later, Sinclair was on a table in Stamp’s clinic and potential disaster had been averted. Sinclair was able to make it to his daughter’s piano recital the next day despite the unfair restraining disorder against him.

Sinclair, shown here using a modified Barkley maneuver to hold his spine in place while waiting for chiropractic emergency professionals to arrive

Sinclair is one of a growing number of patients electing to have a small battery-powered device implanted near their spine and designed to monitor for the development of an acute chiropractic subluxation. If detected, the spine can be stabilized by the device until a definitive treatment and payment plan can be arranged with an on call emergency chiropractic provider. Although research is ongoing, preliminary data has shown that use of an implantable desubluxator by certain high risk patients helps to ensure that they are treated within the “Golden Hour” of emergency subluxation management.

But what is a subluxation? How does an implantable desubluxator work? And which patients are most likely to benefit? For answers to these questions, and many more, I turned to a leading expert in the field of emergency spine wellness and nervous system trauma.

“When the human spine is not in a proper alignment, a patient is at risk of going into dyshomeostasis or worse,” Frank Grimes, a chiropractic trauma surgeon near Harvard, explained. “Simply put, you’ve got about an hour before the shit hits the fan, and I’m not talking about just back pain or headaches. I’ve seen a patient’s entire spinal column collapse like an accordion and then comically bob up and down as they shriek in pain. It changes you. Some patients are predisposed, but it can happen to anyone, at any time. You look a little off, do you mind if I check your spine?”

According to chiropractic science, the human body was designed to function perfectly at all times. But if the flow of information from the brain to every cell in the body is compromised by a chiropractic subluxation, we can lose the ability to maintain optimal health. This can result in a variety of health concerns such as lower back pain, headaches, asthma, and even the occasional extra chromosome 13.

While Grimes admits that there have been some disagreements over the exact definition of a chiropractic subluxation, he states that the profession isn’t exactly making it up as they go along:

“Despite what some skeptics may claim, we aren’t flying blind when it comes to spinal health. The best evidence has revealed that subluxations are a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health.

But while having a specific definition upon which to focus diagnostic and treatment interventions is helpful, some mysteries do still remain.

Subluxations are often thought of as a chronic condition, like adrenal fatigue or splenic ennui, and for many they are. But for some people, acute subluxations can be cause extreme symptoms. And despite 125 years of intense study and practice, chiropractors have not figured out a way to know if a newly developed subluxation will result in severe acute disease, cause chronic complaints, or become a latent condition with the possibility of causing problems in the future. Because of this uncertainty, in addition to treating patients with clearly symptomatic subluxations there has also been a focus placed on frequent checks of asymptomatic patients of all ages in order to root out any hidden subluxations.

An implantable desubluxator is not designed to be a replacement for the frequent check ups of the spine recommended by chiropractic organizations to help maintain spinal health. The purpose of the device is to catch an acute subluxation as it occurs in real time, in order to reduce the risk of any severe adverse outcomes in a select population of patients. These are people who may not have the spinal reserves that many of us take for granted.

Grimes says that he only recommends the invasive but potentially lifesaving device for about a quarter of his patients, and so far only a small percentage of those have undergone the procedure. He uses a validated severe acute subluxation risk calculator in order to help determine which patients would be most likely to benefit, but admits that there is an art to the process. “Chiropractic care is complex and every patient has unique variables that I have to take into account. Age, past medical history, and a patient’s comfort with uncertainty are key factors but there is no one size fits all approach with subluxations, except that everyone has one or will eventually have one at some point.”

You’ve probably seen videos where a chiropractor adjusts a patient’s spine, making an audible cracking sound as the bone and surrounding tissue return to a healthy position. An implantable desubluxator works in a similar fashion. Once an abnormal energy signal is detected by the device, which consists of a processing unit placed near the cervical spine and a number of wires running along the spinal column, a series of micropulses are emitted that stabilize the problem area.

Grimes says that the force generated by these micropulses is very light, about the amount required to oscillate an atom of cesium-133 between two hyperfine levels of its ground state. So there is no reason for patients or parents who are wary of aggressive high velocity adjustments to worry:

Other than the general anesthesia, potential for surgical site infection, possible rejection of the device by a patient’s immune system, significant pain during recovery, and the need for battery changes every three to six months, it’s a virtually risk free intervention that I feel very comfortable recommending for infants.

Once a patient has an implantable desubluxator placed by a chiropractic surgeon, the next step is setting up monitoring. Patients can download a smartphone application that syncs with the device in order to sound an alert when a subluxation occurs, and to track various other spinal health parameters such as the rate and rhythm of cerebrospinal fluid flow. And similar to how a home alarm system works, patients will typically sign a contract with a monitoring company, such as the Boston based SpineSafe USA, that in addition to alerting the patient to any abnormal alignments will also arrange for 24-7 emergency chiropractic treatment if necessary.

I revisited Mart Sinclair a week after his acute subluxation was picked up by his implantable desubluxator. Still a bit shaken by the experience, but thankful for a new lease on life, Sinclair was happy to sing the praises of the technology. “I don’t know if I’d be here with this device, and without SafeSpine USA. To me that’s worth any price. Yes, I would recommend it to anyone who is worried about this kind of thing.”

New Survey Finds Fewer Teens Being Followed by Sex Demons.....

Atlanta, GA- A newly published CDC study on the sexual habits of adolescents comes as a bit of good news in these dark times. Though thousands of Americans continue to die every day from COVID-19, with many more facing an uncertain future after becoming infected with the novel coronavirus, fewer teenagers are being followed by shape shifting sex demons.

A group of American teenagers, shown here celebrating both a freedom from all personal responsibility and their invulnerability to all disease, trauma, and general life dissatisfaction.

"This really is great news," Mort Fishman, a doctor of clinical demonology and lead author of the study, explained. "But it's not a reason for anyone under the age of 25 to let their guard down. Remember that when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone that they ever slept with, and it only takes one asshole with a sex demon problem to ruin your chances of going to a good college."

The new research found that 1 in 50 teenagers were stalked by a vengeful sex demon at least once in the past year, which is a 30% decline from a decade ago. Experts, like Fishman and his colleagues near Harvard, say that the reason for the decline in these events, known as "followings", is unclear. "Perhaps it's a change in sexual behavior. We've also seen fewer teen pregnancies, for example. But maybe the entities have just been more successful, and dead kids don't respond to surveys. I love my job."

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: You'll Eat More Tapioca if You Know What's Good for You.....

Mitch Rangler
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist and President and CEO of The Health Patrol, Mitch is passionate about tapioca, tapioca based products, and preparing for the End of Days when Greb will return to chastise us for our iniquities

It seems like every year there are more and more "superfoods" being added to the list of stuff to shove down your gullet. But what even is a kumquat? And what aisle can I even find them on at the Shop and Cram on Avenue C? They sound ethnic and that's scary.

Ethnic food is scary!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a piping hot serving of tapioca every day that I've been alive. And I haven't died yet! But this ancient miracle of modern nutrition isn't a "superfood". What? That's right! Tapioca is the world's greatest ultrafood, which is even better if you asked me. And you did, or else you wouldn't be reading this post. That was a little joke to lighten the mood and to let you know that I'm a regular guy just like you and there isn't any reason not to trust me.

Trust Mitch Rangler!

When I first learned about the healing powers of tapioca, I was skeptical. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday! That happened in 1927 during the Belvidere Boll Weevil festival and I've still got the scar to prove it. I'll never forget that night, or the way that Glandine Watkins nursed me back to health under the light of the full moon. We both had so much turnip wine! Sometimes I wonder what happened to her, and how different my life would be now if she hadn't joined up with that hillbilly circus what came through town the following Spring. I assume she's dead, on account that she was almost 60 at the time.  

Glandine is probably dead!

Usually when something seems too good to be true...great! I always tell people to trust their gut. I literally say that, like all the time. But I didn't want to swallow any BS along with my bowl of tapioca slurry. I needed to make sure that the benefits of this miraculous health marvel had been properly vetted. So, I turned to my good friend science for some answers.

Science is usually right!

Frequently Asked Questions about tapioca:

What is a tapioca?

Tapioca is the name for the starch extracted from the root of the Bolivian cave cactus, and has been a staple food for millions of people around the world for millennia. It is typically sold in the form of sticks or pearls and designated by it's quality grade. Grade A tapioca, which is widely considered to be the most healthy and delicious, is found and harvested by monkeys trained to detect its subtle scent as deep as 3 meters underground. Everything else is Grade B and is generally deemed fit for consumption only by orphans.

What are the amazing health benefits of tapioca?

Perhaps a better question is what aren't the amazing health benefits of tapioca. The answer is there aren't any that aren't. There aren't any benefits that aren't amazing and also of tapioca. Wait, that's confusing. Let me start over. Everything isn't an amazing health...wait...dammit. It has a lot of benefits. Forget that first part.

Regular consumption of tapioca improves the health of literally every cell in the human body. Every organ will function better, even the stupid ones like the spleen or the plectum. One science study proved that a human will achieve complete cellular homeostasis after only 3 servings of sprouted Grade A tapioca and there are even legends that tapioca has raised men from the dead. Only they ain't the same as before they died. Sure they look the same, sound the same, they even have the same memories. You wouldn't know they was different, but they ain't the same. They's different. 

Does tapioca contain chemicals?

Rest assured, tapioca contains absolutely no chemicals, no chemical bonds, no compounds, no synthetic materials, and not one single strand of DNA. It is the purest substance on Earth and it imparts that purity into everyone who eats of it...according to science. Maybe you can look science in the eye, the same science that gave us cars, space flight, and cars with computers in them, and tell it that you don't respect its opinion. Not me. I follow the science where it leads me.

Where can I learn more?

When it comes to complexities of human biology and nutritional interventions aimed at bringing about a state of True Health, you can always learn more. If you send a self-addressed and stamped envelope to The Health Patrol, I'll send you a copy of my newsletter and a coupon for a free corporeal resonance scan (CRS) if you spend more than $50 dollars on any goods or services. 

Local Woman Ends Coronavirus Pandemic in the United States by Leaving Painted Rocks in Neighborhood Parks.....

Brookline, MA- Taking a stand against the coronavirus pandemic raging across the country, Brookline resident Jan Stilton has begun leaving hand painted rocks at a number of local parks.

Stilton, shown here basking in the glory of her accomplishment and just prior to watching the entire first season of Outlander again.

"With so many people dying and losing their jobs, somebody had to rise up and do something about it," Stilton explained. "If more people fought for what they believed in, instead of cowering in fear, we wouldn't have been in this mess in the first place!"

A hand painted rock with the affirmation "You Got This" written on it, shown here mere seconds before the death of the last SARS-CoV-2 virus.

Experts in infectious disease and epidemiology, like the National Institute of Health's Mort Fishman, have been waiting for a hero like Stilton to emerge. "COVID-19 is a serious illness that has caused the untimely death of hundreds of thousands of Americans, left millions of friends and family members grieving, and severely set back our economy. It's a highly complex public health problem, the handling of which has been a disaster from day one. Thankfully...it's over. It's finally over."