Monsanto Genetically Modifies Tomato with Fish Genes Just to Fuck with Greenpeace.....

Creve Coeur, MO- Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant held a press conference today at the company's Creve Coeur headquarters, where he announced the development of a tomato-fish hybrid just to fuck with Greenpeace.

Greenpeace member Tod Ramshackle, shown here at his home opening a box of Monsanto's new tomato-fish hybrid mere moments before shaking his fists at the sky and angrily screaming "Monsanto what have you done? What have you done?!?!?!" as steam comically shoots out of his ears.

"There was absolutely no legitimate reason to do this," Grant explained. "None. It doesn't improve the tomato, or the fish for that matter, in any way whatsoever. We just thought it would be hilarious to create these things and harass the hell out of those fuckers. It cost three billion dollars to develop."

According to Monsanto's experts in the fields of molecular biology, horticulture, and agricultural science, like biologist Merkin Lillyhammer, it isn't clear whether the new genetically modified organism is a tomato or a fish. "Unfortunately the new organism defies conventional norms of classification because it can breed with the source fish, the North Atlantic Lumpfish, or be planted in moist salty soil. We probably shouldn't have done this."

Koko the Gorilla on Fast Track to Sainthood.....

Vatican City- Less than a month after her death at the age of 46, world famous gorilla Koko is on track to be canonized faster than any primate in recent memory according to sources within the Vatican.

Daniel Thompson, a Ugandan mountain gorilla, shown here using a combination of American Sign Language and International Morse Code to describe the miraculous resolution of a severe respiratory infection after having a vision of Koko.

"We are close to approving a third miracle attributed to Koko," Cardinal Secretary of state Pietro Parolin explained. "On one hand, I'm not surprised given her amazing ability to understand and use human language. But if you had told me a month ago that she would meet the requirements faster than that monkey from Friends, I'd have been like, could that...be any more unlikely? See what I did...like Chandler."

When it comes to determining who qualifies for sainthood, there are very specific guidelines. According to Parolin, protocol requires that any non-human, non-feline, animal perform three miracles after it has died. "That's one more than what is expected from human saints, who are generally preferred after that time Saint Lassie ate Jesus's last pizza roll."

Connected Eating is Growing in Popularity and Farmers are Baffled.....

Sacramento, Northern California- When Central Valley farmer Jim Jabernathy walks through his fields every morning, he expects to find the occasional mouse or corn possum. But since the Spring thaw, he has been on the lookout for something he considers to be an even greater pest: people. Calling themselves "connected eaters", believers in the latest diet fad are growing in numbers, and this is leaving farmers like Jabernathy no choice but to take drastic measures.

A child connected eating blueberries straight from the bush, shown here mere moments before being mauled to death by an enraged mother bear. The bear, whose confused cub had been following the child's mother and eating blueberries straight from her pail, was oblivious to this children's literary reference.

"I thought I'd seen it all from folks 'round here," Jabernathy explains. "I've seen a lot of fad diets in my time, from paleo to those people who won't eat anything with chemical bonds. My daughter even started strafing last year. But this just beats all. Just yesterday I had to run off about thirty of 'em from my best kale patch! They were like locusts."

What is connected eating? And why are farmers installing razor wire fences and therapy/perimeter defense badgers? Proponents are quick to point out that eating connected food has numerous health benefits, but are they worth the risk? Proponents think so. But why? And how? What?

Connected eating involves the consumption of unharvested food that is still attached to the plant. Believers say that simply eating unprocessed and raw whole foods isn't enough. They want to experience the severing of the food's connection to it's life source, to absorb its essence. Some proponents liken the experience to Earthing, the science of connecting to the Earth's natural energy in order to achieve vibrant health.

Dietary Folklorist Allen Levitzky, author of Food Tribes: How What We Eat Defines Who We Are, is an expert in fad diets. He sees connected eating as just the next step in mankind's dietary journey. "The belief that nature holds the key to health and longevity has been around since the first caveman looked at the world around him, not with fear, but with curiosity and hunger. I like that. Use that one."

Farmers aren't the only ones that are concerned about the connected eating trend. Medical experts, like Sacramento Interventional Culinologist Mort Fishman, warn that it may increase the risk of foodborne illness and blood levels of toxic pesticides. "I drive though a lot of farmland, and every week I see them crawling around on their hands and knees covered in dirt and partially chewed spinach. This is what we've become. Just mindless animals."

Trump Orders Nation's Schools to Form Ragtag Team of Misfits in Case of an Active Shooter.....

Washington, D.C.- In response to mounting concerns over school safety in the wake of the recent mass shooting in Florida, President Trump has issued an Executive Order mandating that all schools form a ragtag team of misfits, each with a unique skill, that could respond to emergencies involving an active shooter.

A team of unlikely heroes from Astoria Middle School, shown here just prior to thwarting the plans of an area crime family 

"You would only need a small team, with a nerd that's good with computers, a chemistry dweeb, an ugly girl who is attractive when you take off her glasses, a mysterious loner with a bad reputation who is secretly sensitive and shy, and maybe a fat kid who is really strong," Trump explained. "These kids are going to be total underdogs and nobody is going to expect them to succeed, but I think that they could end the attack very quickly."

In the order, Trump provided additional details to help schools put together a collection of outcasts in the event of an attack, pointing out several times that the girl on the team should just be movie ugly and not ugly ugly, and that she should have a nice set of hooters and a sweet can that you can really grab a hold of. But some experts, like pediatric trauma surgeon Mort Fishman, are expressing skepticism. "It's a promising idea, but there are some issues that need ironing out before implementation. Will the nerdy kid have a robot sidekick, for example? Will there be enough time for the team to make a plan and prepare their arsenal of traps and makeshift weapons or will they need a montage?"

Controversial Super Bowl LII Ad Sparks Ethical Debate Over the Use of Deceased Celebrity Voices.....

Minneapolis, MN- On February 4th, 2018, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LII as over 100 million viewers watched from home or their favorite pub. In typical fashion when it comes to the yearly National Football League championship game, most people tend to discuss the commercials more so than the game itself after the dust has settled. This year is proving to be no exception, and an ethical debate stirred up by Amazon's now infamous Chimpanzee David Bowie ad will almost certainly continue into the foreseeable future.

An adult male Chimpanzee named Goliath, shown here contemplating his role in the downfall of human society, is slated for use as a conduit for the voice of Sarah Silverman

"I honestly didn't think anything of it at first," Black Mirror creator Charlie Booker explained from his orbiting satellite/keeping room. "I assumed it was a CGI chimp and some old recording of Bowie from an interview or something like that. I had no idea that was the real thing."

Booker, who has made a name for himself concocting suspenseful narratives where plausible near future technologies force viewers to examine their own values and explore potential societal pitfalls, wasn't alone. Surveys performed after the big game have shown that an overwhelming majority of viewers were unaware of the reality behind the ad for Amazon's new voice interface options for Alexa, their popular "intelligent personal assistant" technology. In the commercial, which stars Hollywood bad boy Adrien Brody as a fictional talented actor, a live chimpanzee can be seen running a variety of errands and speaking with the voice of David Bowie, who died from liver cancer in January of 2016.

What was kept hidden until now was just how Amazon developed the new Alexa voice options. According to a leaked memo, the process was the culmination of years of dedicated work capped off by recent advancements in 3D printing technology and veterinary surgery. The memo also revealed the names of celebrities and notable political figures short listed for inclusion in the Alexa update.

After disinterring Bowie's corpse, which Amazon owns the rights to, and locating the remnants of his decaying larynx, the research and development team created a model of the vocal apparatus in painstaking detail. Bowie's larynx was then 3D bioprinted using cutting edge biological polymers and surgically grafted into the throat of an adult male chimpanzee. After recovery from the surgery, the chimpanzee was trained to speak a few phrases on command in order to be used in the 30-second ad.

The leaked Amazon memo further details how thousands of chimpanzees will be fitted with various celebrity voice boxes in order to record phrases to be used by Alexa and then sold to zoos and individual collectors. Users will be be able to choose a celebrity voice for their Alexa at an added cost, with options ranging from the bargain bin to elite packages. For example, use of Adrien Brody's voice would likely be very inexpensive or perhaps even free, while purchasing Beyoncé's voice would likely cost hundreds of dollars. Options involving deceased celebrities would likely cost much more considering the technology required to produce them. Also chimpanzees don't exactly grow on trees, at least not until 2025 according to Amazon.

In addition to animal rights organizations, a number of extant celebrities are up in arms over the thought of having their voice used by Alexa and other future technologies after death. Some, like Hollywood bad boy Jared Leto, who will expire this Summer, are already planning a lawsuit. "The thought of some bored suburban housewife one day asking my disembodied voice to order more toilet paper is going to keep me up at night, at least until August 15th when the Collectors come for me. No, there isn't any point in trying to run. The tracker is lodged deep in my brain."

One potential use of the new voice technology that is unlikely to face legal challenge or ethical scrutiny is more personal. Alexa users will soon have the option of preserving the voice of a beloved family member, as long as their larynx isn't severely damaged by, I don't know, like a wolf or shotgun blast to the face or some shit like that. Who wouldn't, years after the death of their young child, for example, want to be able to ask them what the weather will be like today. I think that dead kid would probably be up in Heaven nodding approvingly. Because Heaven is real and it isn't too late to be saved.

Area Organization Highlights Subluxation Dangers to Promote Spinal Health Awareness.....

Nashville, TN- The Tennessee Chapter of the Universal Chiropractic Association (T-UCA) has announced plans to highlight the dangers of undiagnosed chronic spinal subluxations during their 2018 Spinal Health Awareness Week, which will run from May 14th though May 20th.

Agnes Grumph, a retired chiropractor from Knoxville and recipient of the T-UCA Lifetime Achievement award, will be sacrificed as tribute to the Innate during the Spinal Health Awareness Week closing ceremony

"The spinal subluxation is one of the most overlooked factors in poor health," chapter president Frank Grimes, DC explained. "You may go years, even decades, thinking that you are fine, and then one day it all falls apart. It makes obesity, smoking, and a sedentary lifestyle look like a day at a yoga retreat."

According to experts like Grimes, a spinal subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity. If present, these changes can influence organ system function and even general health by impairing the communication between the brain and every cell in the body. And general health has been implicated in a vast array of medical conditions, from musculoskeletal complaints like acute lower back pain to high blood pressure and even genital scrapies.

The theme of this year's Spinal Health Awareness Week is "Chiropractic - Spinal Subluxations Are Bad? Yes, They Are!" Grimes and the members of the T-UCA chapter hope to educate the public about the dangers of hidden subluxations and the benefit of frequent spinal health examinations starting from an early age. "It's always better to prevent a problem from happening in the first place than to wait until health begins to fail. And there is no better population to focus on than children because they can look forward to decades of optimum health under our care."

Spinal Health Awareness Week will take place at the T-UCA headquarters in Nashville, with a variety of fun and educational activities planned for each day of the event. Chiropractic practices from around Tennessee will take part, setting up booths for educational outreach and providing free food and drinks for visitors. Some local chiropractors will also take part in entertainment activities as well as the ritual sacrifice of Agnes Grumph, winner of the T-UCA award for Lifetime Achievement. The tribute of Grumph's vertebral column, spinal cord, and cerebrospinal fluid to the Innate will ensure another year of access to the healing power of chiropractic adjustments.

Pfizer Announces Expanded Line of Zithromax Cough and Cold Remedies.....

New York- The pharmaceutical company Pfizer has announced plans to release an expanded line of Zithromaximum over-the-counter cough and cold remedies inspired by their popular antibiotic Zithromax. The new products will complement the earlier rollout of Zithromaximum Cough Relief Sprinkles, which was the first cough medicine specifically designed to be sprinkled on Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

Aziz Ansari (shown here not sexually assaulting anyone) 

"Those money spewing flesh widgets just love Zithromax," Pfizer President and CEO Ian Reed explained. "It's the most popular antibiotic on the market for a reason. We've got focus groups where toddlers will ask for this stuff by name. Fucking toddlers, I shit you not! And the cough sprinkles? Huge! I'm talking boner pill huge."

According to Reed, consumers can expect to get the same kind of relief from their viral respiratory symptoms with an over-the-counter Zithromaximum product as they do when Zithromax is prescribed by a physician for a serious bacterial infection presenting with the exact same symptoms. He literally said that to me. And then we shook hands on it. And he looked me in the eye like a man.

Zithromax is a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, an older antibiotic that was discovered one day under a pile of rocks in the Philippines. It works by inhibiting bacterial growth through the disruption of protein synthesis. It has been one of the most popular antibiotics in America for over a decade, primarily prescribed to treat respiratory tract infections, chlamydia, and physician uncertainty. The new cough and cold products won't contain any actual Zithromax, which can only be obtained by prescription, but the word will be featured prominently on the label so that even a stupid kid can see it.

"The new products will give customers more control over the experience of their illness," Mort Fishman MD, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, explained. "These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors contained in a unique formulation. There just aren't any cough and cold products on the market that are more effective. Not one."

According to Fishman, the additions to the product line will include Zithromaximum-AM with Caffeine, Zithromaximum-PM with Benadryl, Zithromaximum Pain and Fever Relief with Tylenol, and Zithromaximum After Dark. "Zithromaximum After Dark will contain a proprietary blend of secret ingredients. I can't tell you what's in the blend exactly, but I can say that it's about 90% ground up tree frog." 

Olympics to Consider a Ban of Performance Enhancing Kinesiology Tape.....

Lausanne, Switzerland- Based on a recently completed scientific assessment of 2nd generation kinesiology tapes, and the advanced taping techniques developed since the 2012 Summer Olympic games, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering a total ban of performance enhancing tapes.

Haphazard application of modern kinesiology tape is the leading cause of death and loss of limb in elite athletes according to (remember to get the name of that expert from Jim).

"This is an issue that the committee is taking very seriously as the start of the games in PyeongChang nears," IOC President Dr. Thomas Bach explained. "Progress in taping technology over the past 6 years has caught us all a little off guard, and none of us want another Wheaties situation on our hands."

Most fans of the games are familiar with kinesiology tape, particularly after widespread use emerged during the 2012 London Summer Olympics. More primitive versions of kinesiology tape, and the rudimentary applications at the time, primarily served to aid in muscle recovery by improving lymphatic drainage and reducing inflammation. The latest applications actually appear to enhance athletic performance beyond what would have otherwise been humanly possible and is almost certainly what allowed so many unexpected results in Rio two years ago, such when Larry Anderson broke the record in the alternating tetrahedralon by 11 quods.

The IOC funded study has found that modern kinesiology taping methods, which work by connecting the tissue around muscles along a specific kinetic chain, results in performances closer to and even exceeding an individual competitor's innate potential. According to Dirk LaGrange, a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner, so-called "power taping" might even be dangerous in the wrong hands. "Inexperienced trainers, sometimes even the athletes themselves, are applying tape that is 180% more elastic with tighter weaving and stronger adhesive capability. Someone is going to get hurt."

8th Edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program to Address Ankyloglossia.....

Itasca, IL- In response to a request from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding and Baby-Friendly USA (BFUSA), the next edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program (NRP) will include recommendations on the diagnosis and management of ankyloglossia.

"Resuscitation of the newborn is nuanced and multifaceted," certified lactation counselor and BFUSA Board of Directors Chair Theresa Landau explained. "We aren't asking for there to be a delay in providing effective ventilation, at least not yet, but the evidence is overwhelmingly clear that breastfeeding provides optimal nutrition and should be encouraged at every step of the process."

As part of the upcoming 8th edition of the program, which is jointly sponsored by the AAP and the American Heart Association, a new lesson module will cover the basics of assessing for the presence of a lingual frenulum, or "tongue-tie", as well as any restriction in the movement of the tongue. If it is determined that a baby requires help with initiating breathing, typically done by inflating the lungs with the use of a manual resuscitator bag, then corrective measures should be considered. The most common corrective measure for ankyloglossia, a procedure known as a frenotomy, involves using sterile scissors to snip the excessively tight frenulum. This has been shown in some studies to be associated with improvements in breastfeeding in a percentage of the participants.

(M)ask adjustment
(R)eposition airway
(S)uction mouth and nose
(O)pen mouth
(P)ressure increase
(A)lternative airway
(F)renotomy

("MR.SOPAF" mnemonic for corrective steps during resuscitation from the NRP 8th edition)

Several additional changes to the NRP guidelines will further support breastfeeding. These will include maintaining direct skin-to-skin contact between the newborn and mother while placing an endotracheal tube and offering counseling on the benefits of breastfeeding over infant formula during the first minute after delivery of all infants born at less than 32-weeks gestation. Some experts, like Bobak Ghaheri, MD, a surgeon who specializes in laser-frenotomy in breastfeeding newborns, think that the new guidelines don't go far enough. "Pediatricians are idiots if they think that we should be waiting until birth to manage ankyloglossia!"

It is not uncommon for new editions of the NRP to include major changes. Based on mounting evidence against the practice, the prior update recommended against routine tracheal suctioning of non-vigorous newborns when the amniotic fluid is found to contain meconium, which is the medical term for an infants first stool. According to AAP President Fernando Stein, MD, FAAP, pediatricians will likely be quick to adopt the latest guidelines as well. "Pediatricians care for children who are developing, who are rapidly achieving new milestones as they age. You might say that we are experts in change."

Where Are They Now?: Celebrity Pet Psychic Loora Finchly.....

Los Angeles, CA- There was a time when internationally known pet psychic Loora Finchly couldn't walk down the street in Los Angeles without being recognized by the pets of the rich and famous. These days, rather than counseling Paris Hilton after an argument with her teacup Pomeranian, Finchly can usually be found sitting in Grand Park talking to squirrels. And not LL Cool J's squirrels either. Just regular squirrels.

A regular squirrel, shown here with nothing particularly interesting at all to say about anything

"I once got a phone call from a dog handler in the Kennedy administration after Pushinka growled at little Caroline," Finchly explained. "Now that dog knew some things, but he made me promise not to tell. It's one of my biggest regrets. Maybe if I had, he wouldn't have been...."

Finchly's gift was put to use by presidents, kings, and Hollywood celebrities. Even NASA called her when Enos, who would become the first chimpanzee in space, kept having nervous diarrhea during training. But the call she remembers most was one she never actually received. "I knew that my star had fallen when the heptapods came in 2016 and they called a linguist...a God damned linguist!"