Iridology Organization Warns Public Against Cosmetic Lens Use

Williamston, SC- The classic maternal plea for children to put on clean underwear before leaving the house may be in need of an update. And you may want to think twice about those cool cosmetic contact lenses. Members of the International Association of Iridology released a policy statement on the use of cosmetic contact lenses by the general public today in an effort to reduce the risk of misdiagnosis during emergencies.

Thanks to cosmetic contact lenses, reptilian humanoids can easily walk among us undetected for decades.

"We've seen a significant increase in the use of a variety of cosmetic contact lenses," IAI president and internationally acknowledged authority on emergency iridology Durpin Primrose explained. "The largest increase in use has occurred in the teens and young adults. And with Halloween right around the corner, we just wanted to get the word out and maybe save a few lives."

Cosmetic contact lenses are traditionally worn to alter the appearance of the eye rather than to correct any vision problems. They come in a variety of patterns and are often worn to accent costumes or to simply serve as a means of expressing individual style preferences. They are typically ordered online, with the most active time being the weeks leading up to Halloween.

Though recognized as a thing that people do since the 17th century, iridology truly became a science when Dr. Ignatz von Peczely published "Discoveries in the Realms of Nature and the Art of Healing" in the late 19th century. His 1880 iris chart firmly established iridology as a means of diagnosing human ailments at least as effective as other modalities at the time. Modern iridologists have advanced the field considerably since von Peczely first noticed a change in the iris of an owl whose leg he had accidentally broken, primarily by the use of cameras and PowerPoint.

The IAI policy statement includes discussion of the risks inherent in the use of cosmetic lenses, which are frequently found to be of poor quality. These include irritation and infection of the eye, which can ultimately result in loss of vision in some cases. But the main focus of the report was the potential for misdiagnosis by emergency iridology professionals if unaware of the presence of cosmetic lenses that alter the color patterns or shape of the iris.

A patient doesn't need to be able to speak, or to even be conscious, for a diagnosis to be made in most circumstances. Practitioners of iridology can exam the iris and match any observations to an iris chart that divides the eye into zones corresponding to abnormalities in other areas of the body. But according to Primrose, who has practiced emergency iridology for nearly three decades, minutes of delay can mean the difference between life and death. "The eyes may be a window to the soul and our health, but despite that old saying they can lie."

Mr. Snuffles, Last Living World War 2 Military Gerbil, has Died.....

Arlington, VA- Mr. Snuffles, the last remaining gerbil employed by United States military during World War 2, has died today at the age of 70.

Mr. Snuffles, shown here behind a bear in 1944, had over one hundred confirmed battlefield kills

"I'll never forget that furry bastard," Stam Costello, an infantryman who stormed the beaches at Normandy alongside Mr. Snuffles as part of the United States Small Mammal division, revealed. "A German soldier had me in his sights and I thought I was a goner. But that desert rat tore clean through the kraut before he knew what hit him."

Mr. Snuffles, who achieved the rank of master sergeant prior to his retirement in 1972, was laid to rest at Arlington Pet Cemetery today with several hundred people and military animals in attendance. This included Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, Army chief of staff, General Ray Odierno, and Cetacean Corps lieutenant colonel Giggles the dolphin. It featured full military honors, including a colors team, riderless horse and 13-gun salute by cannon. A solid gold exercise wheel was presented by General Odierno to Mr. Snuffles' widow and roughly 5,000 sons and daughters.

"In life, he honored this country," Lt. Col. gorilla Georgie Bananas signed to the family. "In death, the country honors him."

Kidz Krates!: More Parents Turning to Revolutionary Training Method.....

Seaford, New York- A revolutionary parenting system, developed by two New York pediatricians to help new parents deal with the inconvenience of raising a child, is increasing in popularity but drawing criticism from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

A Kidz Krates! feeder bottle (shown here) can be replaced with a meal pellet dispenser as inconvenient children age

For many new parents, the birth of a child is an unforgettable moment as anxiety-provoking as it is awe-inspiring. But many of today's parents are finding that once the excitement fades, and the nurses leave them to begin caring for their baby, the inconvenience of it all becomes painfully clear. And children who require constant care are especially annoying.

"Our pregnancy with Cooper Evangeline was amazing," new mom Special Dorsi explained. "But once she was born, with all the feeding, incontinence and crying my DVR queue began to fill and I even lost some shows."

Special and Brad Dorsi, who decided to have a child so that the world might benefit from the unique combination of their genetic blessings, had a difficult time getting their daughter to sleep, void and evacuate her bowels on command, especially at night when civilized people should be asleep or reading The Fault In Our Stars on their Kindle Fire. After several days of inconvenience, the desperate couple turned to their pediatricians, Drs. Mort and Treacle Fishman.

The formerly conjoined twins of Fishman Pediatrics, in Seaford, N.Y., recently wrote "The Inconvenient Child: A Foolproof Method to Achieve a Life Unaffected by Children", a book on the subject of pediatric inconvenience based on their 3 decades of caring for the children of assholes.

"When the Dorsi family arrived, the inconvenience in their lives was obvious," Mort revealed. "I told them, 'I'm going to help you realize an existence that maximizes your personal fulfillment!' Special burst into tears of joy at the mere thought of her child serving as a status symbol to be paraded in front of friends and family, but otherwise put away like so much wedding china."

To decrease inconvenience levels in households, the Fishman brothers developed a revolutionary technique which borrows from proven veterinary practices.

The concept of crate training, which they adapted into the Kidz Krates! training method, allows a child of any age to be safely stored between uses. Infants will still need to be periodically fed, however this method allows for easier scheduling of feeds to fit into the lifestyle of the parents. For older children, a nutrient rich liquid meal substitute can be provided via a cage mounted feeder bottle.

"The hardest part of Kidz Krates! is burying that last vestige of human decency," Special said while refilling Cooper Evangeline's feeder with Organic Non-GMO Nature's Twat brand formula, which contains 3% human tears harvested from Romanian orphans. "Sometimes I would find Brad trying to pry open the Kidz Krate! door, but the lock is very strong and only opens at predetermined times. There really is no going back."

The Kidz Krates! method, although amazingly effective, is being attacked by members of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Treacle Fishman isn't surprised. "Truth goes through stages. Ridicule, opposition and then acceptance. And sometimes truth gets arrested for unfounded child abuse charges."

The Fishmans believe that their method represents a sea change in how we interpret infant communication, like crying. Mort told us that "Crying is a baby's way of demanding attention that it hasn't earned. The worst thing you can do is to negotiate with a terrorist! You might as well cancel your next dinner party or plan on skipping the silent auction to benefit that Cavalier King Charles Rescue."

Thanks to the Fishman brothers, the Dorsi family exists in a state of perpetual childlessness, despite the birth of their daughter. Special and Brad sleep peacefully without interruption each night thanks to the Kidz Krates! soundproof high grade acoustic foam panel removable shell.

"It's allowed us to maintain a quality of life where we can really enjoy doing the things we want to do, but also sometimes spend time with Cooper Evangeline. It's what we deserve."

Courageous Little Leaguer Defies the Odds and Inspires Other Gluten Intolerant Kids.....

Williamsport, PA- The eyes of the nation, and certainly the media, may be focused on female pitching phenom Mo'Ne Davis during this year's Little League World Series, but millions of gluten intolerant children around the world are drawing inspiration from an unlikely source. Grill Abernathy, right fielder for the Cumberland American team from Rhode Island, has suffered from an intolerance to wheat, barley and rye since the age of 9. But this .280 slugger from Cranston has ignored the advice of his doctors and the concerns of his friends and family, choosing to risk his health and serve as a beacon of hope for the afflicted.

Gluten sensitive right fielder Grill Abernathy, mere moments before mixing up his homemade gluten free hot dog bun with one from the concession stand and then totally losing his shit

"We first noticed that something was wrong with Grill when he started complaining of abdominal pain every morning while getting ready for school," Grill's step-mother Wanda Abernathy explained. "It was right after I married Grill's daddy and it went on for months. I thought the new baby would distract him but his symptoms kept getting worse."

Because of the daily bouts of unexplained abdominal pain, Grill missed so much school that his family began to worry that he might fall behind. Finally, after being diagnosed with gluten sensitivity by a carnival psychic, the Abernathys restricted his diet and started home schooling him. The improvement was almost immediate, and nothing short of miraculous.

Grill, who must bring specially prepared gluten free pizza to post-game celebrations, has faced more than his fair share of adversity since coming out as gluten intolerant. Though used to being bullied at school because of his severe stuttering, he wasn't prepared for the reaction from fans of the opposing teams. "I've heard it all. Gluten baby. Wheat wimp. Functional abdominal pain secondary to significant psychosocial stressors. That last one was from my gastroenterologist but we stopped going there."

But the support from the gluten intolerance community has been overwhelming. He has received thousands of letters of encouragement and thanks, mostly from kids like him. "I never realized how many poor kids out there aren't allowed to eat stuff with gluten in it. Now they have someone to look at who is just like them, a victim of something they have no control over."

Vatican Academy of Pediatrics Updates Recommendations on Child Molestation.....

Vatican City- Officials from the Vatican Academy of Pediatrics (VAP) have released updated guidelines regarding molestation of children, and are recommending that priests minimize or eliminate the activity for children under the age of two years and have a strategy in place for maximizing the benefits for older kids.

A young boy enjoying the cardiovascular benefits of enhanced molestation

"The world has changed a great deal since the last time we addressed this subject," Cardinal Maurice Nicopapadopoulos, chairman of the VAP Committee on Molestation and Public Relations explained. "A hard 2 hour daily molestation limit just isn't reasonable anymore so we needed more nuanced recommendations."

Although the new guidelines do allow for more molesting, the VAP paper is clear about the need for awareness that excessive fondling can have negative health effects. One of the primary concerns of the VAP committee members is the continuing rise of childhood obesity, stating that historically this is an activity with few cardiovascular benefits. They recommend that priests enhance their molestations whenever possible by incorporating more aerobic exercise, perhaps by allowing a child to have a lengthy head start before chasing him down.

Supervised independent activity for infants and young children, such as stacking cups or counting prayers on a Rosary, has clearly been demonstrated in controlled trials to provide more cognitive stimulation than simply being molested if a priest isn't taking an active role in playing with the child. Nicopapadopoulos also mentioned the possible negative affects on sleep hygiene, something that is increasingly being recognized as a major health concern in the pediatric population. "We recommend that priests not molest in the child's room or right before bedtime."

Man on Winery Tour Tastes the Gooseberry.....

Napa Valley-Dale Southerland, an accountant visiting the Flora Springs Winery today, shocked a large crowd of cellar rats, winemakers and fellow winery patrons when he was able to note 27 distinct flavors in their 2013 Barrel Fermented Chardonnay.

Dale Southerland, shown here tasting the gooseberry, mere moments before being torn to pieces by fellow wine tasters so that they might feed upon his brainstem and olfactory cortex thus acquiring his unique wine tasting ability

"We've had people note ten, maybe 15 flavors before," Winemaker Ken Deis revealed. "They'll usually describe the aroma a bit and comment on the finish, but this is just incredible. Nobody has taken it to this level before and it's just a great example of how precise wine tasting is and how some people are much better at this than others. And Dale is just a very impressive guy. We are all just very impressed."

Mr. Southerland, who noted a hint of autumn leaves and gooseberry as the 26th and 27th flavors, thinks that there may be even more subtle flavors in the wine but he would need more time to sort them out. "I'm not entirely sure, but right at the end I almost think I noted just a splash of black currant with bing cherry undertones. And, could it be? Yes, it is! Just a trace of squirrel's feet and chalkboard erasers. Sublime."

Current Generation of Children First to Have More Stagnant Chi than Parents.....

Bethesda, MD- Experts in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) at the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine in Bethesda are warning the public, as well the nation's primary care practitioners, that the current generation of children are on pace to become the first to have higher levels of stagnant chi than their parents.

A child suffering from stagnant Qi playing with healthy friends

"We've been predicting this for years," Kuang Zhu LAC, Head of Pragmatic Acupuncture Research at NCCAM revealed. "We are going public with our concerns in the hopes that a popular outcry will force governmental action to prevent this potential public health tsunami." 

The principles of TCM state that the human body is a condensed representation of the Universe, and that the interactions between internal forces, known as yin and yang, play a leading role in our overall health and in the development of disease. Every aspect of our physiology, and the many ways in which it can malfunction, can be easily explained using the TCM concepts of fire, earth, wood, metal and water. For example, unbalanced liver fire in the context of excess bile (water) can, in the setting of hypoplastic yin with yang engorgement, lead to autoimmune hepatitis in a 17-year-old female patient. 

Zhu explains that taking advantage of the diagnostic precision of this system, and the manipulation of chi, the vital energy force that flows through our bodies performing myriad functions such as regulating the renin-angiotensin-aldosterone hormone system, is what has led to the widespread success of TCM in China, where the average life expectancy is 127 years. "Stagnation of chi has been associated with a variety of health problems both acutely and years down the road. Diagnosing and treating blockages saves lives. It's that simple." 

Area Chiropractor Refers Heart Attack Victim to Appropriate Healthcare Provider.....

Minneapolis, MN- When a heart attack happens, minutes can make the difference between life and death. 600,000 people die from heart disease every year in the United States, but thanks to the quick action of chiropractor Frank Grimes, one local man didn't become just another statistic when he suffered crushing chest pain and shortness of breath while walking his dog in Minnehaha park earlier this week. Grimes, who is fully licensed as a primary care provider in the state of Minnesota, recognized the problem immediately and referred the man to an appropriate healthcare provider.

Healthcare Provider and guy who knows CPR attend to referred chiropractic patient

"I learned about the signs and symptoms of heart attacks during physiology classes my first year of chiropractic college but this is the first time I actually saw one," Grimes explained. "I guess it's like they say. When push comes to shove, the reading kicks in."

Chiropractors, although most commonly thought of as doctors of the back and spine, are educated as primary care practitioners and boast some of the most stringent educational requirements of the health care professions. After four years of pre-medical college education, which includes classes in biology, both inorganic and organic chemistry, physics and psychology, future chiropractors must then make it through the highly selective chiropractic college admissions process.

Remington Abernathy III, President and Head Cashier of Land's End Chiropractic College and Outlet Store in Dodgeville, Wisconsin told us that chiropractic training is comparable to a conventional four year medical education. And like most medical schools, they hardly ever admit convicted felons.

"I'm not surprised that Dr. Gimes was able to make an appropriate referral. Chiropractic students receive 4,200 hours of classroom, laboratory and clinical training in "orthopedics, neurology, physiology, human anatomy, clinical diagnosis including laboratory procedures, diagnostic imaging, exercise, nutrition, rehabilitation and more. They also get a box of bones for practice at home and 80% off select Great Courses lectures."

Some have criticized the chiropractic profession's transition into the role of primary care practitioner, pointing out that for the truly sick patient a visit to the chiropractor is at best an unnecessary step and at worst a dangerous delay. There are also concerns that chiropractic education and experience may be insufficient to allow recognition of the more subtle presentations of serious illness or a broad enough working knowledge of human pathophysiology. But recovering heart attack victim Surge Kaserman isn't paying any attention to cynics and naysayers. "I don't need that negativity in my life. If Dr. Grimes hadn't been there to refer me to the appropriate healthcare provider, I might not be here today."

Dentist Organization Denies Teeth Cleaning Nanobots Part of Plan for World Domination.....

Chicago, IL- Researchers based out of the American Dental Association's (ADA) Chicago compound today announced the development of teeth cleaning nanobots, but downplayed concerns of any attempts at taking over world.

"This is a significant advance in our ability to prevent and treat a variety of dental illnesses," ADA president Charles Norman III explained. "Not only will this help Americans, and eventually the world, have cleaner teeth and fresher breath, we also know that oral health shares an intimate connection with the health of our cardiovascular system."

Actress Anne Hathaway, shown here accepting the 2013 Oscar for Best Actress in a Supporting Role after her infamous 20 minute rant on the need to take matters into our own hands in order to prevent nanobot mind control

A number of scientists, celebrities and celebrity scientists have been speaking out against the potential use of teeth cleaning nanobots for years. Today's announcement will likely galvanize their efforts to prevent the invention from being put into widespread use. But are these nanobots really part of some sinister plot to control the minds of politicians and the wealthy elite? Is America really the jumping off point for dental world domination? ADA founder William Henry Atkinson says no.

"When I founded the ADA back in 1859, the lifespan of an average tooth was 25 years. Today it's considerably longer. We seek only to further improve upon the health of the oral cavity and all its glorious contents, even if that means using very small robots to infiltrate and control the minds of a few billion people in order to decrease intake of simple carbohydrates."

I for one can't see the harm in that. I've been having my teeth cleaned twice yearly for over seventy years and welcome advances that might help my teeth last longer and improve my hearth health in the process. I trust my dentist and the ADA. But most of all, I trust in the benevolence of Supreme Leader Atkinson. I welcome the opportunity to join the collective mind of my brothers and sisters, and to stamp out tooth decay.

Surgically Implanted Acetaminophen Approved for Hospital Use.....

Newton, MA- In order to help manage difficult to treat mild musculoskeletal pain, headaches and abdominal discomfort frequently managed by healthcare professionals in the emergency and inpatient setting, a growing number of hospitals are fast tracking a surgical procedure which implants acetaminophen directly into the patient's brain.

Ankle sprain patient Emily Gilmore, seen here during an acetaminophen implantation procedure, would go on to die the following day from meningitis of unknown origin.

Traditional oral acetaminophen, most commonly known in the United States as Tylenol, has been a medicine cabinet and hospital formulary staple for decades, although exactly how it works remains a bit of mystery. The leading theory involves manipulation of the neuromatrix, which is believed to lie somewhere near the lobe of Quimby in the preposterior obligate gyroid. Within the past few years, the development of intravenous acetaminophen has given hospital-based physicians an opportunity to give the same medicine through an IV in order to achieve an equianalgesic effect at only an order of magnitude the price.

"It's been a real godsend," pediatric surgeon Mort Fishman explains. "Prior to the IV version we had to cross our fingers and hope that the medicine would get to where it was needed. Now, with intravenous acetaminophen I don't have to think anymore. I can literally watch it go into the patient's vein and avoid interrupting their lunch."

But some patients weren't always responding to the IV formulation, especially those with chronic abdominal pain, headaches, or psychogenic paralysis. Thankfully, surgeons like Dr. Fishman now have another trick up their sleeves. Surgically implanted acetaminophen combines the power of acetaminophen with the confidence that the medication is going exactly where it needs to go, the brain and spinal cord.

The procedure, which takes anywhere from 2 to 5 hours, is quickly becoming a popular choice among surgeons, surgical physician assistants, and residents on the surgical service. Fishman, who pioneered the use of minimally invasive robotic surgery for the incision and drainage of buttock abscesses in toddlers, is a believer. "I have had several nurses tell me that it works better than regular Tylenol."