CBS Announces the Reboot of the Magnum, P.I. Reboot as a Mid-Season Replacement.....

New York City, NY- CBS has announced the mid-season replacement of it's reboot of the classic crime drama series Magnum, P.I., which originally ran from 1980 to 1988, with a reboot of the reboot which first aired last September to mixed reviews.

"The first Magnum reboot just isn't drawing in the number of viewers we anticipated," Kelly Kahl, President of CBS Entertainment, explained. "But we are determined to get this right, even if it takes a reboot of the reboot of the reboot."

Alison Brie, shown here at the recent SAG Awards with contest winner Dave Franco, is set to star as Thomasina Magnum in the new Magnum P.I. reboot reboot

Over the past several years, television viewers have seen networks try to breathe new life into a number of old programs, sometimes even bringing back original cast members for maximum nostalgia. Most of these attempts at recapturing magic have failed, while some, such as Fuller House on Netflix and the animated Golden Girls prequel on NBC, have done well. According to Kahl, it is very rare for a show to return for a second reboot, however.

"We know we've got the potential for a hit on our hands, we just need to put the pieces together in the right way," Kahl revealed. "In the 2nd reboot, Magnum is a single mother with an adorable kid who is just a whiz with computers, and she helps her solve the crimes...so the stories practically write themselves."

Although Kahl is banking on a better response to the updated update of the original show, which starred the hunky Tom Selleck as private investigator Thomas Magnum, he says that his team is sketching out possible additional reboot ideas. "Maybe Magnum could be transgender, which is something that hasn't been done yet on a prime time show. Or Higgins could be a ghost, or a talking helicopter. I've got a lot of great ideas."

Republican Lawmakers to Install High-Frequency "Mosquito Alarm" to Prevent Loitering Youth in Congress.....

Washington, D.C.- House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy announced today that Republican lawmakers plan to place an electronic device somewhere in the south wing in order to discourage loitering by unruly young Democrats.

Crotchety III, shown here celebrating his 1918 election victory, remembers when they didn't let brown people even run for Congress let alone win.

"These young people with their scary new ideas," Republican Ebenezer Crotchety III explained from the smoking lounge while sipping from a snifter of brandy. "Harrumph! Hold on, my monocle seems to have fallen into this plate of tapioca pudding."

The device, known as a "Mosquito alarm", will be set to 17.4 kHz and 108 decibels. According to McCarthy, the buzzing noise will be inaudible to Republicans but will be extremely uncomfortable for younger members of the House of Representatives, possibly even causing dizziness, headache, and nausea. "We haven't put it to a vote yet, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be under Ocasio-Cortez's chair."

Area Child Killed by Unwieldy Backpack.....

Lexington, KY- Chiropractic Pediatricians are warning parents of the dangers of heavy backpacks after a 5-year-old Kentucky kindergarten student died from total spinal collapse (Accordion syndrome) on Friday.

Kentucky backpack victim Clarinet Applebee's, shown here mere seconds before her entire spinal column collapsed.

"We are seeing massive numbers of children with early-onset back, neck and shoulder pain," American Pediatric Chiropractic College (APCC) President Scott Shaw explains. "Backpack stress also impairs the function of spinal nerves, which can lead to organ malfunction. Death is still a rare outcome, but I expect to see more as backpack engineers continue to focus on load bearing capacity rather than safety."

Historically, backpacks were only about the size of a loaf of breast or a small poodle, and were only able to carry a small textbook, a few notebooks, and perhaps a calculator before tearing. Using synthetic fabrics and space age metamaterials, modern backpacks can easily handle several full size books, a laptop computer, a full pencil case, and a mellophone. Combined with the popular trend of single shoulder carriage, kids with heavy backpacks are often just one Trapper Keeper away from catastrophe. In fact, a study conducted near Harvard found that the typical American child carries the equivalent of an adult bull elephant to school every day, and that nearly all of them will eventually admit to experiencing back pain at some point in their lives.

As the crisis continues to worsen, some states are proactively passing laws to compel schools to act. According to Shaw, legislators in nearby Tennessee recently voted to install scales at all school entrances, and if a backpack weighs more than 10% of the child's body weight, an alarm will sound and a designated staff member will assist the child in carefully removing heavier items. "Nobody wants to wait until after we've had to dig mass graves for toddlers to do something about a problem."

The APCC has released a list of questions so that parents and teachers can identify children effected by heavy backpacks and seek appropriate chiropractic care:

1. Is your child/student complaining of headaches, neck or back pain, or intermittent fullness of the bladder or bowels.
2. Does your child/student have difficulty paying attention at home or in school, sometimes becoming distracted by more interesting objects or activities?
3. Has your child/student ever had any medical problems involving absolutely any part of their body?
4. Does your child/student's entire body lean to one side, seemingly defying the laws of physics like in those old V8 commercials?
5. Has your child/student's spine begun to collapse and expand over and over again like an accordion?