Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....

Point

Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL

Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Counterpoint

Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it. 

James Cameron Releases Statement on Future Avatar Sequels.....

Hollywood, CA - In response to concerns voiced by newcomers to the Avatar series, director James Cameron is reassuring the general public that having seen the initial releases will likely not be necessary to follow the plot of future installments.

A digitally rendered scene from Avatar 12: Avatars Take Manhattan

"Look, you won't have to have seen Avatars 1 through 3 to understand what's going on in 4, 5, and probably not even 6," the iconic 69-year-old Canadian filmmaker explained. "After that, I just don't know. We don't even have rough drafts for those scripts, let alone a competent storyboard yet."

In addition to worries over being able to keep up with the intricate interactions between the Na'vi, humans, and human Na'vi avatars on Pandora, many fans are concerned that production of additional Avatar movies will eventually end given Cameron's age. According to the Academy Award winning director of Titanic and the documentary, Hey, There's a Big Boat Down Here!, the series will continue far into the future. "It's simple. With just a few specific conditions programmed into the AI program that will be creating them after my death, we can ensure that nothing will stop these movies from being made. Nothing."

Mental Health Problems Increasing Among Childhood Imaginary Friends.....

Brookline, MA - For the first time since official tracking began in the 1950s, experts in pediatric mental health are seeing an increase in reports of anxiety and depression among childhood imaginary friends.

A young child, shown here playing on the swings with an imaginary friend who is suffering from an acute panic attack. Yes, his friend is black. Why does that matter? That's racist.

"This looks to be the first generation of children who will have significant numbers of make-believe playmates suffering from mental health conditions typically seen only in non-imaginary patients," Pediatric social-cognitive psychiatrist Mort Fishman, head of imaginary psychiatry at Me and My Buddy Mental Health Services in Brookline, explained. "Imaginary mental health is something that myself and my team of pretend social workers and counselors take very seriously because a suffering fantasy companion could be a sign that the corporeal child is similarly troubled."

The presence of an imaginary friend has long been recognized as a common and healthy part of normal childhood development, helping non-imaginary children to hone social skills, provide comfort and entertainment, and to even serve as academic mentors or moral guides. According to Fishman, who has treated a number of fictional buddies and sidekicks over the past few months, early recognition is extremely important. "It takes time to train an imaginary support animal, especially a good one like a dragon or a pony. You can't just dream up a random cute puppy and expect to have a good outcome. This is serious."

Many Americans Still Menstruating Despite Tampon Tax, Study Finds.....

Washington, D.C. - Despite efforts to curb the practice, many Americans are still choosing to menstruate according to a recent study published in Conservative Surveys.

House Speaker Mike Johnson, shown here disappointed by a woman forgetting her place and voting to feed poor kids or some shit

"Frankly the whole notion of a woman's monthly is something that I don't understand or feel comfortable talking about," House Speaker Mike Johnson explained. "What I do feel comfortable talking about, however, is how God demands a 7% sales tax on products manufactured specifically for dealing with it."

The new study, which consisted of asking random Republican lawmakers their thoughts on the process of discharging blood and other tissues from the lining of the uterus, is confusing conservative men in both chambers of Congress. According to Senator Chuck Grassley, the choice to menstruate is a personal matter that should be kept behind closed doors and preferably at home. "I don't want to have anything to do with something that follows a lunar cycle. That's witchcraft!" 

Ginsu Knife Salesman Makes Area Woman Uncomfortable.....

Sugar Land, TX - Door-to-door Ginsu knife salesman Mathew Rouse made local housewife Rosemary Perkins very uncomfortable today when mentioning that his samples of the well known brand of cutlery were adept at slicing through human bone.

A Ginsu Disemboweling knife, shown here easily slicing through a ripe tomato, should be hand washed to remove pulp and/or entrails

"He was very creepy," a visibly shaken Perkins explained. "He just kept staring at me with these vacant eyes as he ran an 8-inch chef knife back and forth along a stainless steal honing rod. He was so cold, so inhuman. He smelled like death."

Kenneth Semelsberger, chairman of the Scott Fetzer Company, a subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway, whose Douglas Quikut division manufactures Ginsu products, is standing by Rouse's approach. "It is vital that potential Ginsu customers be aware of all potential safety hazards when Ginsu knives are used without proper safety precautions in place. They need to know that improper use can lead to some pretty serious injuries."

Rouse, who is returning to the world of door-to-door sales after completing a stint at nearby Fort Bend County Maximum Security Prison for a conviction of aggravated assault with a Kirby vacuum cleaner, has expressed frustration with a response that he sees as hyperbolic. "I don't know why that old lady got so spooked. I just told her how I could cut through bone, like hers or her family’s, or her dog’s. And how I could, you know, do it over and over again if I wanted to. It's her, right? I'm just trying to make a living."

After discussing the incident with Rouse, Semelsberger again gave full support of his technique. "Potential customers also need to know that our quality cutlery never needs resharpening. I'm honestly at a loss for what the problem is, and I can't help but wonder if this is more about Mrs. Perkins than it is Mr. Rouse, who should be recognized for his efforts to get his life back on track after the unfortunate vacuum-related unpleasantness. At the Scott Fetzer Company, we believe in second chances."

Acupuncture Researchers Find Powerful Proof of Ancient Mechanism of Action.....

Bethesda, MD - Scientists at the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health in Bethesda have announced the results of groundbreaking research confirming an ancient theory behind the effectiveness of acupuncture.

Acupuncture expert Steve Smith, shown here confirming that Subject #72 is properly blinded to whether or not he has a needle shoved into his brain before asking if his lower back pain feels any better

"Skeptics love to point out the fact that there is no proven mechanism of action," NCCIH Director Helene Langevin explained. "Despite millennia of proof that acupuncture works for a number of medical conditions, they want to focus on a tiny issue like scientific implausibility instead of on the millions of satisfied patients. Well those skeptics won't be able to poke any holes in this study! Do you see what I just did? Because it's acupuncture."

Ever since acupuncture was discovered thousands of years ago when a Chinese peasant accidentally fell onto a porcupine and noticed that his chi was 30% less stagnant, medical professionals have assumed that it must work for some reason. According to Langevin, the study, which will be published next month in Online Publishing Module 453 - Medical Needle Shoving, finally solves one of acupuncture's greatest mysteries. "Does it really matter where the needles are inserted? Essentially, do acupoints exist? Now we know that they do."

In the NCCIH study, researchers inserted needles directly into the brains of volunteers in order to log any specific reactions unique to each location. A weak electrical current was also applied to each needle in order to add several additional paragraphs to the study's conclusion section. Langevin is calling the results historic. "Not only does this research prove the existence of acupoints, many of the study subjects reported feeling relief after the procedure was completed and their skull was stapled back together, supporting the use of acupuncture for anxiety."

Comer and Oversight Committee Subpoena Santa, Naughty List as Biden Family Investigation Deepens.....

Washington, D.C. - In a shocking move from the Republican led House Oversight Committee, Chairman James Comer has announced the subpoena of Santa Claus, including a demand for access to his infamous Naughty List, significantly expanding the investigation into Biden Family business dealings.

Santa Claus, shown here receiving a subpoena from the Oversight Committee, is believed to have donated to the Hillary Clinton campaign in 2016

"The American public deserves to know what President Biden has been up to," Comer explained during a press conference held earlier today. "Mr. Claus, with his ability to know when anyone on Earth has done something naughty, will serve as an invaluable witness in this investigation. Is Hunter on that list? What about the president?"

Having pledged to uncover any domestic or international business dealings that might have compromised United States security or President Biden's ability to lead with impartiality, Comer and the House Oversight Committee are chasing down all possible leads. "We are following the money trail and answering questions that all Americans should be asking, and we will leave no stone unturned regardless of what lies festering beneath. Even if Donald Trump himself is on that list, we will...I'm sorry, I can't keep a straight face. No, we don't care about that."

Not all Republicans are supporting the move to subpoena Santa and his Naughty List. Matt Gaetz, representative for Florida's 1st congressional district since 2017, is raising concerns of possible tampering. "Santa has a well known liberal bias and frankly I don't trust anyone that jolly. How can we know if that list doesn't include the names of perfectly fine people that he just disagrees with politically, people who have never done any illegal sex stuff with a minor."