Experts Predict Golden Age of Enema Ingredients.....

Beverly Hills, CA - Despite supply chain concerns, worldwide inflation, and fears over the possibility of economic recession in the near future, wellness experts believe that we are now entering a golden age of detox enema ingredients.

An enema artist at Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic, shown here preparing a Frutti Butti enema with hemp seeds and medicinal mushroom powder

"I believe that we really have just scratched the surface when it comes to our ability to prepare detox enemas," certified enematrician Mort Fishman explained. "Right now when most people hear enema, they probably just think of coffee, but there are literally thousands of potential enema bases, boosts, enhancers, and turbo charging add-ins at our disposal."

For decades, enemas have been thought of mostly as a means to cleanse or stimulate the bowels in order to help treat constipation or prepare for a medical procedure, such as a colonoscopy or a plectal scraping. But according to Fishman, a combination of ancient wisdom and cutting edge science has recently revealed a hidden history of therapeutic enemation, the process of applying an enema to the human colon, going back more than a thousand years to the time of the Egyptians. "From the Babylonians and Assyrians to the Ancient Teletubbians, all the way to modern Paltrovians, you could say that humanity has already had the age of the enemas, but I truly believe that we are just getting started."

As humankind has begun to rediscover the wide-ranging health benefits of the enema, such as eliminating bacteria, toxins, and excess fatty acids from the intestines, experts such as Fishman are seeing impressive positive changes in their patients. From balanced hormones to controlled appetite, better sleep to improved mental processing, Fishman says that enemas are a powerful means of restoring energy and meaning to life. "Clearer skin, better circulation, a more efficient nervous system, and so much more. You are literally flushing away exhaustion and anxiety."

The key to any effective enema is a healthy base. Traditionally this might have been a low-sugar fruit like blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, kiwi, or maybe half a banana and a handful of goji berries, but recent advances in enema preparation have resulted in an increasing use of leafy greens and veggies. Healthy fats are an important next step, and one that should be followed by the addition of an all-natural protein source. Avocado and peanut butter are popular choices. Finally, and this is the step where the expertise of a qualified enematrician such as Fishman can be vital, choose your add-ins. "I'm a huge fan of collagen, CBD, and bee pollen, but ultimately I recommend trying a variety of ingredients to see what best fits your individual healthcare needs."

Wonka Chocolate Factory Faces Serious Allegations of Adulterated Fizzy Lifting Drinks.....

Wonkaville - A federal court has now permanently enjoined the Wonka Chocolate Factory from preparing, processing, and distributing adulterated and misbranded fizzy lifting drinks.

A 1971 photo of Wonka Chocolate Factory founder Willard Wilbur Wonka (right) with current owner Charlie Bucket (middle), who some experts believe was the victim of predatory grooming

"The Wonka factory has been falsely marketing their fizzy lifting drinks as a naturally uplifting alternative to traditional carbonated beverages," Acting Assistant Attorney General Steve Turkentine of the Justice Department's Civil Division explained. "But these products are essentially just bottles of Wonkaville municipal tap water mixed with bath salts."

"Bath salts", the street name for synthetic cathinones, are designer drugs similar in structure to a chemical found in leaves of the khat plant chewed by some in East Africa for their mild stimulant effects. The synthetic versions are often considerably stronger and associated with the potential for intense hallucinations and even psychosis. The Department of Justice, in a complaint filed on January 19th at the request of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), has alleged that by adding these dangerous chemicals to their fizzy lifting drinks the Wonka Chocolate Factory, along with company officers Charlie Bucket and his grandfather, Joe Bucket, is in violation of current good manufacturing practices, relevant food safety standards, and hazard prevention measures.

According to the complaint filed in a U.S. District Court, the FDA has received information that at least five children have experienced severe psychosis involving the belief that they could fly after drinking fizzy lifting drinks. The FDA has documented other consumer complaints, such as experiencing intense, hyperrealistic, and emotionally unsettling hallucinations. One victim described the ordeal in an affidavit obtained by the FDA:

One minute I'm sitting there enjoying a Fudge Mallow Delight bar and some fizzy lifting drink I bought at Bill's Candy Shop, and the next thing I know I'm surrounded by flying cockroaches, millipedes crawling over someone's face, an eyeball really close up, a chicken being decapitated, a lizard eating an insect, some old white guy in a bowler hat, and then a scorpion's mouth. It was extremely traumatizing.

Subsequently, the agency has warned consumers, restaurants, distributors, and retailers not to drink, cook with, sell, or serve fizzy lifting drinks produced at the Wonka Chocolate Factory. According to Turkentine, who attended law school later in life after a career in education, food and water sold to consumers must be safe. "The Department of Justice will continue to work closely with the FDA to ensure that bottled beverages and other product we eat and drink are manufactured in compliance with the law. Food safety, my dear friends, is 93% dedication, 6% investigation, 4% prosecution, and 2% butterscotch ripple."

House Republicans Pledge to Reduce Mass Shootings.....

Washington, D.C. - House Republicans, led by California congressperson Kevin McCarthy, have pledged to pass legislation aimed at reducing the number of mass shootings in the United States.

Kevin McCarthy, who looks forward to serving as House speaker for several weeks, is shown here doing his Mario from Donkey Kong impression 

"The current cutoff for defining a mass shooting is just another example of the woke liberal agenda," McCarthy explained during a press conference on Wednesday. "And it's a perfect example of why the voters gave the Republican party a mandate in the midterm elections, and then the party passed that mandate on to me because integrity."

While there is not an accepted consensus definition of a mass shooting, the Gun Violence Archive, a nonprofit research group, includes any event involving the injury or death of at least four people, not including the shooter. According to McCarthy, a clear and consistent definition with no political caveats helps to avoid confusion for the general public. "We need to use our common sense here. Nobody looks at four people standing in a room and thinks that's a mass of people. Maybe ten people? Definitely fifty. But we also need to take who these people are into account. Quality should be as important as quantity."

Unilever Faces Criticism Over Controversial New Line of Dove Deodorants.....

London - Unilever, owner of the Dove personal care brand, has come under fire for a controversial new line of fentanyl-based deodorant products designed specifically for women.

A woman applying enough Dove Fresh Scent Fentanyl™ deodorant to force every police officer in Pittsburgh to need the rest of the afternoon off

"Our fentanyl containing deodorants for women are completely safe when used as recommended," Unilever CEO Alan Jope explained. "But I have to wonder if you would even ask these questions if this was a product for men. Is this really about consumer safety? Is it? Are you sure about that?"

The medical establishment has a long history of misogyny when it comes to the treatment of women with chronic medical complaints. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, a Unilever medical consultant who has read several articles on the subject, women deserve to have their voices heard. "Women are looking for a deodorant that puts the same kind of care into their underarm skin as they expect for the rest of their bodies, and with the added benefit of a highly potent pain medication infused into every application. They are tired of being told that they are just being emotional, and having their symptoms downplayed or even ignored by a system that was created by and for men."

The Dove brand was first introduced in 1957 with the revolutionary Dove Beauty Bar that contained a patented blend of cleansers, 1/4 moisturizing cream, and "just a drop of opium". But it wasn't long before store shelves were stocked with a wide variety of their personal care products. In 2004, Dove shifted their focus to self-esteem and inclusiveness with the launch of their Self-Esteem Project and a newly formulated core mission of making a positive experience of beauty available to all women, even those with chronic pain.

The Centers for Disease Control believes that 20% of American adults have chronic pain, more than half of which are women. According to Jope, women are not only more likely to have chronic pain but their pain is more likely to significantly interfere with their quality of life. "Some of the best things in life, such as dancing, excitedly pointing at birds, or trying to get someone's attention from across a field full of active land mines, involve holding our arms up in the air and waving them around in a carefree fashion. Insecurity about their underarms, in addition to chronic pain and crippling misogyny, are factors addressed by these products. It's hard to understand so many people hate women and want them taken off store shelves."

Despite a track record of safety and clinical effectiveness, the new fentanyl-based deodorants aren't for everyone. Fishman, who voted for Hillary Clinton and came really close to hiring a woman to join his practice last year, says that some caution is warranted. "Look. I'm not going to mansplain this to you. I respect women to much. Their bodies, their choice."

Cinemax Renews R-Rated Scrappy-Doo Animated Series.....

New York - Despite near universal negative reviews, and outrage from fans of the original cartoon, Cinemax has announced that it has renewed the R-rated animated series Scrappy for another season.

Scrappy-Doo, shown here with one of his prostitutes and some hired muscle, spends most of the first two episodes of Scrappy working as a pimp in downtown Crystal Cove

"We knew going in that this take on the classic character wasn't going to appeal to everybody," Casey Bloys, Cinemax Head of Programming, explained. "But if you take out hardcore fans, casual viewers checking out the franchise for the first time, people who just have the TV on in the background while they watch YouTube videos, and elderly shut-ins who can't find the remote, what you have left is a dedicated group of people who are into the show and get what the creative force behind it was going for, which is a sexually explicit voyage of discovery after Scrappy quits Mystery Inc. in order to find his true purpose in life." 

Though much of the credit for the production of Scrappy goes to comedian and actor Louis C.K., there is a deep roster of talent working on the show. According to C.K., he put together a dream team of writers and voice actors that aren't afraid to say what lonely boys and men between the ages of 15 and 25 are tweeting anonymously. "We got Chappelle, Tosh, Carolla, Brand, Joe Rogan, who is hilarious as Scrappy. Oh, and I can't believe I almost forgot Greg Gutfield."

Wisconsin Republicans Pass Anti-LGBTQ Bill that Designates Colby as the Official State Cheese.....

Madison, WI - Republican state lawmakers in Wisconsin have passed a controversial new bill that will require school administrators to notify parents if their child has been exposed to homosexuality or gender nonconformity, and it designates Colby as the official state cheese.

A high school choir and likely source of several parent notifications if AB 1552 is signed into law, shown here promoting Colby cheese at the state capital,  

"Assembly Bill 1552 establishes a protocol for what to do when a student turns gay or questions his or her gender during the school year," state representative Donna Rozar, the bill's sponsor, explained. "And it also recognizes the contributions that Colby cheese has made to Wisconsin ever since being dreamed up in 1885 by a 16-year-old boy working in his father's cheese factory." 

Critics of the legislation are saying it will increase stigma faced by LGBTQ children and increase their risk of adverse mental health outcomes. Rozar is pushing back against these concerns, claiming that the bill is designed to give parents more authority. "Parents of children who have come into contact with one of these poor confused students will receive a letter of notification so that they can make an informed choice about how to handle the situation with their own child, perhaps with preemptive conversion therapy just to be safe. And who doesn't support a cheese that is moister, creamier, and milder than English cheddar that was developed right here in our great state." 

The new bill, which is likely to be vetoed by Governor Tony Evers, who probably prefers socialist cheeses like Monterey Jack or Gouda, is meant to reassure Wisconsin parents that their beliefs are being respected. According to Rozar, who supports designating Colby as the Wisconsin state cheese because of its sweeter taste, easier slicing, and reassuring heterosexuality, is also an outspoken proponent of family values. "Students are sometimes exposed to things at a young age in an attempt to undermine a family's belief system and that interferes with what parents are trying to teach their children. This bill is about transparency, and also how Colby really is the ultimate cheese and something that all people of Wisconsin can rally behind."

Texas Governor Abbott Signs Controversial Pro-Life Bill Into Law.....

Austin, TX - Defying pro-choice critics from across the galaxy, Texas Governor Gregg Abbott signed the controversial "chestburster" bill into law earlier today at the capital building in Austin.

Governor Abbott, shown here using a pen he borrowed from an intern with no intention of ever returning it, says that anyone interfering with the xenomorph life cycle faces up to 10 years in prison

"In Texas, all life is sacred," Abbott explained during a press conference held after the signing. "And it begins at implantation of a xenomorph embryo into the human esophagus, just like God intended. The Engineers may not believe in the sanctity of all life on Planet 4, but we do right here in the Lone Star State."

Opponents of the new law claim that it violates a host's right to bodily autonomy, and hundreds of protesters outside the capital today could be heard shouting during the press conference. According to pro-choice advocates, like human woman Jean Samuelson, all species deserve the right to privacy. "The choice to attempt a surgical removal of a developing stage 3 xenomorph or to be painlessly euthanized is between a patient and their surgeon or MedPod."

A newly erupted xenomorph (name pending, but probably something cute like Chompy), shown here enjoying a meaningful existence

Both proponents of the new law and protesters agree that there are risks in allowing a xenomorph to fully mature in a host's chest cavity. During the press conference, Governor Abbott focused on the positive aspects of seeing the process through to eruption. "Yes, there are some risks for the human host. But when a baby chestburster flees to find a secure location in which to molt into their adult form, you are witnessing one of God's miracles of creation."

Konnected Kids!: The Ideal Diet for Children Takes the World by Storm.....

 Konnected Kidz!
The Ideal Diet for Children 

Gavyn Gravi, a Konnected Kid! and huge Jenna Ortega fan, shown here absorbing the life essence released by severing a tomato's connection to the Earth

Did you know that more than 70% of children aren't eating a diet that is fully connected to the ultimate source of life sustaining energy, the very Earth itself? Or that missing out on this ideal approach to nourishing our bodies and spirits, known as connected eating by experts in Europe and ancient China, can result in children who will never live up to their full potential as human beings and reflections of your parenting skills? Scientific studies performed near Harvard, Johns Hopkins, Oxford, the University of Toronto, the Dalai Lama, and Sweden have found that absorbing life essence from our food when it is most concentrated can improve perceived wellness, replenish cognitive reservoirs, and increase biopsychosocial maturation by a full quartile. 

Not a tertile, an entire quartile!

Until the discovery of connected eating, children have had to rely on the standard diet that was never designed with biologically and emotionally immature humans specifically in mind. During this key transitional period, children's bodies are rapidly changing. They aren't just getting bigger, they are getting smarter, more mature, and more capable of surviving in a modern world. You wouldn't allow a toddler to purchase a large quantity of dynamite or to pilot a commercial airliner, right? So why feed children a diet that was designed for adults with fully formed neural networks? Are you an idiot?

Don't be a stupid idiot!

Konnected Kidz! is the first diet designed specifically to meet the young child's unique biochemical and psychospiritual needs. And it's the only way to take advantage of the vast amount of pure life essence that is released at the exact moment food is severed from the plant. It's like how during nuclear fission energy is released as an atom is split. This diet is just like that. Don't look it up. Take my word for it. 

Don't question me!

Based on the popular connected eating lifestyle belief system, Konnected Kidz! works with your child's body in an age appropriate, trauma informed, gender neutral, body positive, black lives matter, CRT, #MeToo, and LGBTQ friendly way. And it has never been proven in a federal court to increase the risk of developing avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. But what exactly is connected eating, I ask to help transition into a paragraph where I answer the question.

This is typed with a larger font and in bold!

Connected eating isn't a meal you eat while texting your BFF about the latest episode of The Wednesday Chronicles, starring Jenna Ortega as the irrepressible private investigator Wednesday Mulligan. These hip references show how I'm not just a guy trying to promote a book to strangers on the internet, I'm cool...like all of you guys. A nutritionist probably at some point pointed out that all life on Earth contains, and is surrounded by, an essence that is undetectable using modern scientific equipment. That essence, in addition to the nutritional content of the food we eat, is the key to true and long lasting health. But over the past few thousand years we have forgotten the importance of connected eating, and rates of cancer, heart disease, arthritis, dementia, and other conditions associated with old age have skyrocketed!

It doesn't have to be this way!

When your child experiences the pure joy of connected eating, and the exciting activities that fill the pages of the Konnected Kidz!: The Ideal Diet for Children book and workbook (sold separately), you can see it with every bite. But the benefits don't stop with children who experience the kind of joy typically only seen in connected adults right before joining the cosmic consciousness during a Great Convergence. This is not a cult.

No cult here! Really!

What can you expect after your child begins their journey as a Konnected Kid!?

1. A robust and efficient Kreb's Cycle
2. A increased love of nature
3. Harder teeth
4. Elevated blood gravel levels
5. The ability to convert food and oxygen into carbon dioxide, water, and sunlight
6. More bug bites and open sores
7. An appreciation of, and comfort with, the transition of life from one phase into another
8. No more annoying changes in mood, just a never-ending and all-consuming bliss
9. Subservience to church elders
10. Potential to be a part of the next Great Convergence 

So what are you waiting for? Don't you care about your child's future? Aren't you afraid of them missing out on the next Great Convergence? It's just a shell. The human body is just a shell.

White House Announces Executive Order to Tackle American Burnout.....

Washington, D.C. - In an effort to help reduce unprecedented levels of burnout, President Biden has announced that he will sign an executive order on Monday that will establish the third week of January as National Wellness Week.

All Americans will receive one of three possible hand painted motivational rocks during National Wellness Week

"Americans have faced an unprecedented amount of social and physical stress over the past several years," Surgeon General Vivek Murthy explained. "This has overwhelmed our collective adaptive capabilities and more of us are becoming emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted every day. This ends now." 

Throughout the week, Americans can take advantage of a number of activities and giveaways that are designed to show them just how much they are appreciated by their government. According to Dr. Murthy, this could include a free 15-minute massage or a coupon for a complementary sundae at all cafeterias, but National Wellness Week is about much more than just free ice cream and back rubs. "You will also receive a free plastic water bottle that says 'America Loves You!' on the side. And be sure to check in front of the entrance to your house or apartment for rocks hand painted by White House staff with affirmations to help you make it through the day."

New Study Contradicts Established Culinary Wisdom.....

Cambridge, MA - The results of a new scientific study conducted near Harvard are calling into question a long held culinary belief and angering home cooks around the world.

Half of the study meals were prepared by Gladys Simpson, a real life grandmother whose heart is filled with hate

"It's a myth," Culinologist Gilbert Gaudet explained. "The subjects in our study performed no better than chance when attempting to detect when a grandmother prepared meal was made with love. They might as well have flipped a coin."

The study followed a strict protocol that involved blinding of subjects so that they were unaware of which of two grandmothers prepared the recipes. According to Gaudet, the experience of a meal is influenced by a variety of factors, most of which are entirely subjective and influenced by our personal preferences and biases. "People are more likely to taste love in a meal when they know it was cooked by someone that cares about them, or at least who they think cares about them. Let's be honest, a lot of grandmothers are just phoning it in."

One interesting result from the study involved the assessment of subject confidence. The majority of participants expressed very high confidence in their ability to determine when a recipe was made with love or when it was full of hate. Subject 11, who requested to remain anonymous to avoid breaking his grandmother's heart, found the results more than a bit hard to swallow. "I would have bet my house on that lasagna being full of love, but they showed me the recipe. Basil, garlic, oregano, pasta, sauce, and cheese. It was all there except for the love. I've been living a lie."

Fetus Homicide Conviction Raises Uncomfortable Questions for Conservatives.....

Baton Rouge, LA - The recent conviction of Baby Jenkins A for the 1st trimester murder of his twin sibling, Baby Jenkins B, is raising uncomfortable ethical questions for many Louisiana conservatives.

Judge St. Blanc, shown here in 2019 ruling that Louisiana shrimp boat captains can refuse to marry gay alligators 

"When I heard that Baby A got the death penalty for absorbing his sibling, I immediately became very emotionally conflicted," Clebus Landry, a Republican state senator from Coushatta, explained. "I'm against killing babies in the womb. But I do love killing criminals."

This landmark case, which was presided over by Judge Vionette St. Blanc, is sending shock waves throughout the state of Louisiana. According to St. Blanc, a lot of people who care deeply about the sanctity of life are doing some serious thinking right now. "If I've learned one thing as a conservative Republican over my three decades as a judge in South Louisiana, it's that pro-life advocates are nothing if not consistent in the expression of their deeply held beliefs."

Vatican Announces Holy Water Recall.....

Vatican City - Senior Vatican officials have announced today that the largest recall of tainted holy water in church history is currently underway, with priests around the world emptying fonts, stoups, and aspersoria into biological containment units specially designed by church scientists and sanctified by Pope Francis.

"This is bad, just really bad," Cardinal Gary Castigliano explained. "There hasn't been a recall of this magnitude since 1583, when nearly a million souls were doomed to eternal torment in a lake of fire because of an improperly blessed batch."

The Globodyne Industries Holy Water processing facility is expected to be back online by late March, when it will resume not working on potential biological weapons, so there isn't any need to investigate or look in that room right there, because that's just where they keep boring old office supplies and who wants to see that?

The source of the contamination that has left thousands of churchgoers questioning the existence of a supreme being, as well as the legitimacy of church dogma, has been traced to a processing facility owned by Globodyne Industries. According to CEO Maximus VII, Globodyne has been working with the Vatican to produce the recently unveiled holy water with probiotics, which is claimed to strengthen the immune system and help regulate bowel function in addition to opening the door to salvation through baptism. "It's a revolutionary upgrade to traditional holy water, and can I just add that Globodyne has never participated in any gain-of-function research involving the SARS-CoV-2 virus. I really want you to put that in the article."

Church microbiologists have isolated the highly infectious organism Lactobacillus atheistophilus from cultures obtained at the production facility. Decontamination teams are performing a thorough exorcism/bleaching of the facility, and the pope is asking that anyone with any doubts regarding their faith seek immediate assistance from their priest. 

Burial of Pope Emeritus Benedict Raises Serious Protocol Questions.....

Vatican City - With the passing of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, the first pope to resign the position in 600 years, serious questions are being raised over the potential handling of the funeral of the former leader of the Catholic church. 

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, shown here force choking a Cardinal who had failed him for the last time 

"Usually when a pope is buried, there are well elaborated protocols in place that ensure a successful interment." papal historian Agostino Paravicini Bagliani explained. "The rites and ceremonies we are accustomed to seeing when a reigning pope dies are a comforting and necessary part of the process. But this is different and we can't say with any degree of certainty what is going to happen. It might not work."

Over the past 600 years, no papal corpse has reanimated. This is widely believed to be a testament to the burial policies that have been strictly enforced over the centuries. According to Bagliani, in the case of a former pontiff there is no established blueprint. "It's definitely uncharted territory with no modern precedent to turn to. It's complicated, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if something goes wrong and people get eaten."

Without guidance on how to properly bury the 95-year-old remnants of Benedict XVI, most experts believe that the event will likely be celebrated in a similar fashion as a reigning pope. But some, like physician and medical advisor to the Vatican Morto Fishmani, worry that this might not be enough to prevent his empty shell from regaining some rudimentary consciousness, if not full sentience, and an insatiable desire to feed. "A living pope burying a dead pope? That's never happened and nobody can promise that the usual measures will suffice. If you need me, I'll be on a boat with a 6-month supply of food and water."

The Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will celebrate the funeral mass for Benedict XVI in St. Peter's Square on Thursday from behind a protective perimeter fence and while surrounded by trained snipers from the Pontifical Swiss Guard. Benedict will likely be buried alongside his 148 predecessors who lie in the crypt beneath St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City, according to Bagliani. "Ultimately the decision belongs to Pope Francis, but I don't think even he will announce the burial site until after we see if Benedict is going to emerge from his casket hungry for human flesh."

Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2023.....

 Psychic Predictions for the Year 2023
by Brabara Bloodstone

World famous psychic and dead celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here telling Ernest Borgnine to aim lower than Natalie Wood...way lower.

As 2022 ends and a new year begins, something I predicted would happen a year ago, it is once again time to share my psychic visions of what is to come over the next twelve to thirteen (check out prediction #5) months. Ever since I became famous by predicting that Archduke Franz Ferdinand would have a bad day in the early part of the 20th century, people will ask me what it's like to know the future. I tell them that it isn't as exciting as it sounds, and also that I knew they were going to ask me that. 

Knowing the future can be quite helpful. For instance, I always known when to bring an umbrella to the grocery store. But the complete lack of any genuine surprise has sucked most of the joy out of living. There are days that I tell people that they are going to die in the next few days just to watch them weep and to see if I can still feel anything at all anymore.

I've spent the last two weeks funneling all of my psychic energy into these predictions. Over the years, I've learned a variety of techniques for peering through the mist of time, from reading the cabbages to immersion in a sensory deprivation pod/above ground pool with the cover on. They are each like my own children, and I could never choose which is my favorite. But like my children, I have had to abandon a few over the years when they disappoint me.

In 1937, when I successfully predicted the invention of a technology that would make it easier for people to cook lasagna, perhaps involving a new kind of heat, I failed to predict that I would still be making predictions in 2023. In fact, despite my intuitive connection to the eternal consciousness of time, I have been unable to foresee the year when I will make my final predictions. This is my gift and my burden as I grow increasingly weary of this plane of existence.

Here are my top predictions for 2023:

1. Side effects of COVID vaccinations using mRNA technology will finally reveal themselves this year. But rather than the harmful mutations we have been expecting, recipients will begin to develop unique superpowers such as immense strength, the ability to turn invisible at will, and getting Wordle right on the first guess.

2. Animals will be in the news a lot in 2023. I see mice, cats, dogs, and even larger mammals like the flying dugong and the lesser tree horace. In late January, scientists will discover that the Latvian river skink has miraculous healing properties. Millions will be harvested for their life-sustaining oil before a young skink, born with an unusual mark on his right foot, will embark upon a quest to save not only his own species from oblivion, but humanity from a fate even worse than death: the loss of its very soul.

Will this heroic river skink, armed with the Spear of Destiny, reach the lair of evil Dr. Zimrod in time to prevent the prophesied cataclysm and save his beloved Skinkina from the oil press?

3. A cure for cancer will be discovered in February, but millions of  Americans will refuse to take it after learning that researchers used the remains of an aborted fetus from 1957 to develop the inexpensive, completely safe, and 100% successful treatment because pro-life advocates are nothing if not consistent in the expression of their deeply held beliefs.

4. Donald Trump...Jr?

5. Because of an unfortunate clerical error at the National Office of Dates and Standards, 2023 will have 13 months instead of the usual 12. This will result in an extreme tilt in the Earth's axis and the death of more than 70% of known animal species.

6. Climate change will continue to play a role in unprecedented weather events, like acid snow, sleetnados, and hailicanes. In July, the soccer game of a young child somewhere in Ohio will be cancelled, resulting in a chain of events that will eventually lead to China declaring war against the island nation of Taiwan. 

7. R. Kelly, Sam Bankman-Fried, Candace Owens, Ghislaine Maxwell, Ezra Miller and the cast of Abbott Elementary will continue to never be seen in the same room together, which will raise serious questions regarding the possibility that they are all the same people.

Is this the cast of Abbott Elementary? Are you sure? Millions of Americans can't be wrong, can they?

8. I don't understand TikTok. Does it have something to do with time...or clocks? Somebody please explain it to me.

9. Instagram will partner with Elon Musk in August and users will be able to route the app directly into their implanted Neuralinks by the end of the year. It's hazy, but I predict that Musk will get enough of the teen vote in the 2024 presidential election to win and make the device mandatory. 

10. Celebrity deaths will continue to happen in 2023, including the sad loss of Shia LaBeouf after a years long battle with cooties.

11. Music will play an important role in the lives of millions of people around the world, but not in the way you think. Seriously. Think of way right now. Nope, not even close.

12. Breakfast as a meal and a general concept will cease to exist as we know it, having been replaced by brunch by September of 2023. Young children will look forward to "brunch for dinner" nights where they will feast on eggs Benedict and avocado toast and guzzle down mimosas, Bellinis, and Bloody Marys. Oh, kids all drink now...and it's adorable!

New Research Reveals Unexpected Fallout from Strict Hospital COVID Precautions.....

Washington, D.C. - New research investigating the nation's response to rising numbers of infections and hospitalizations during the first several months of the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic has revealed some surprising complications related to strict hospital policies aimed at reducing spread of the deadly disease.

Steve Dilton, shown here explaining the plot of Weekend at Bernie's to somebody else's damn kid

"We didn't realize it wasn't our baby until we got home and took his mask off for a feeding." disgruntled parent Steve Dilton explained. "And with the hospital's no return policy, it's going to take a lot more than an angry Facebook post to get him back."

Precautions such as the forced masking of all hospital patients and visitors that resulted in thousands of newborns going home with the wrong families have continued in many hospitals despite the public and mainstream media having largely moved on to more important world events, such as the death of Queen Elizabeth, the discovery that she was actually still alive, and finally the revelation that she had been dead all along and that Andrew was just doing a whole Weekend at Bernie's thing. But according to the government report's lead author Chance Weatherbean, the incidence of these mix-ups has decreased dramatically as hospitals have implement new identification measures. "Babies are now attached to their mothers using little pink or blue knitted handcuffs, and it's adorable."