Savannah Tops America's Most Haunted Colons List.....

Savannah, GA - Haunted colons are common, with the latest science estimating that 3 out of every 4 people have a ghostly stowaway in their large intestines, but Savannah, Georgia was recently recognized as the premier destination for adrenaline junkies and phobophiles looking to experience a genuine supernatural experience, including those involving gut ghosts and bowel banshees.

Marie Tran, shown here eating at the Oysters 'n Gifts truck stop in Savannah, would go on to discover a poo poltergeist in her distal colon later that evening

"Savannah is widely known as the most haunted city in America," Mayor Van Johnson explained. "You pretty much can't take ten steps in any direction without bumping into a historic building or cemetery where you might catch a glimpse of a ghostly spirit, or catch a whiff of ectoplasmic miasma from somebody with a fecal phantom."

Being known for its sphincter specters as much as its art scene and shrimp and grits, Savannah is a popular destination for lovers of ghost stories and, increasingly, ghost hunters. Some, like Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group leader Bruce Sagemiller, have a short list of favorite spots to investigate whenever they visit the "Hostess City of the South". "In a city like Savannah, you really can't go wrong because there are so many places with serious paranormal activity. But my favorite is the Marshall House, a hotel that served as an emergency hospital during the Civil War and a couple Yellow Fever epidemics in the 19th century. "One time I put an EVP recorder in the lobby men's room and, well, let's just say that the evidence wasn't exactly silent but deadly."

Florida Governor's Office Releases List of Banned Halloween Costumes.....

Tallahassee, FL - With less than a week to go before Halloween and millions of children across the country swarming our neighborhoods in search of candy, Florida governor Ron DeSantis and First Lady Casey DeSantis have released a list of banned costumes in an effort to keep kids safe. 

Governor DeSantis, shown here promoting the T-900X human/cyborg pubic image normalization unit

"Casey and I sat down to take a look at the costumes available for children and we just couldn't believe it," Governor DeSantis explained. "It is our job as leaders of this state to curate what is and what isn't allowed. It's our job to protect children from the harms of exposure to inappropriate content, whether it's in the form of a pornographic book about the Holocaust or a Halloween costume that is racially insensitive...to white children."

Some experts in childhood development are taking issue with the banning of certain Halloween costumes, claiming that helping kids navigate this issue is a parental responsibility. DeSantis, however, is pushing back. "It's not a ban. I keep telling people that. Sheesh! We are simply  enforcing a law that will put children in jail for a minimum of 6 months if they are caught wearing one of the costumes on our list. Or egging my house. Or TPing my house. And you'll get a full year if you leave a flaming bag of dog poop on my welcome mat. I'm talking to you Timmy Gunderson!"

Area Pedophile Motivated by Love of Children.....

Cincinnati, OH - When area pedophile Marty Albright takes his daily walk around Cincinnati's Mount Adams neighborhood, he is always sure to stop by nearby Eden Park. Why? Because he loves children.

Marty Albright, shown here keeping a close eye on someone's kids, doesn't even charge for his babysitting services 

"What can I say except that I'm guilty. Extremely guilty," Albright explains. "I'm guilty of loving kids. Loving them a lot. A whole lot!"

And because of the special attention that he gives to their children, Mount Adams residents love having him around. Susannah Groves, a 37-year-old mother of two young boys and the owner of the house where Albright often parks the 2007 Chevy Express Cargo van he calls home, is appreciative of how he is always available to babysit at a moments notice. "In this day and age, with school shootings, internet bullying, and drag queen story hours, it's nice to know that someone is watching them who will keep them safe from direct bodily injury. And when I get home they are always tucked in and quietly whimpering themselves to sleep. I don't even need to check on them!"

Albright, a vocal supporter of local youth gymnastics teams, is famous around the Mount Adams neighborhood for his festive Halloween costumes and his open van policy for children out trick-or-treating alone. Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of pedophiles in vans during his 50 years in Mount Adams. "Pedophiles come and pedophiles go around here. Vans eventually move on too. But that Marty is something special. He really cares about these kids."

X Sets New User Engagement Record in September.....

San Francisco, CA - Despite claims by some critics that X, the social media service formally known as Twitter, is hemorrhaging active users after a series of poorly conceived management decisions by chairman Elon Musk, September saw the platform set an all time record in user engagement.

Elon Musk, shown here pointing to the top of one of those giant signs with a thermometer on it, and the mercury in the thermometer represents femtoseconds and it's going past the top of the thermometer

"My critics certainly have some egg on their face right about now," Musk explained. "According to our internal records, X users logged the largest amount of femtoseconds while actively engaging on the platform in September since we started measuring engagement in femtoseconds...in September."

Musk, who first dreamed of creating a popular social media platform as a young child begging for spare change on the grounds of his family's estate in Pretoria, isn't alone in calling out premature declarations of X's demise. According to X CEO Linda Yaccarino, the September numbers validate her efforts since assuming a leadership role in May. "Most people have never even seen a number as large as the number of femtoseconds that X users were actively engaged in whatever it is people do on X. Is it a xeet or a post? All I know is that everything is fine. It's all going to be fine."

More Urgent Care Clinics are Turning to AI for Help.....

Shreveport, LA - As the expected increase in viral respiratory infections over the winter months looms ominously in distance, more urgent care clinics are turning to artificial intelligence software for help in the diagnosis and treatment of sick patients.

Dr. Feldstrom, shown here agreeing with his computer algorithm's assessment that a 3-year-old child with fever and a runny nose needs a chest x-ray, a blood culture, and 5 days of steroids

"If this winter is anything like the last one, we are going to be extremely busy," Flip Feldstrom, MD, a unit of physician employed at Ratchet City Urgent Care, which is a part of the Willis-Knighton Health System, the largest healthcare provider in northwest Louisiana, explained. "It's nice to have support when deciding if a child with a cold should get a Z-Pak, a dose of intramuscular ceftriaxone, or both."

Vigilance, the artificial intelligence program being put into use at Ratchet City Urgent Care, was designed by a team of computer engineers hired by the Willis-Knighton Health System. According to team leader Coy Gauthier, the design process involved months of close observation of urgent care practice in real time in order to help teach the developing AI how to approach a wide variety of clinical scenarios. "Which toddlers with a bug bite need systemic steroids? Which babies with reflux need an abdominal ultrasound? Which child that vomited once needs a completed metabolic panel and a bolus of normal saline? We were having a lot of trouble with inconsistent recommendations from the program early on, but once we realized that outside academic medical resources were confusing it, we cut off access and things really fell into place."

Trump Promises Return to Coal-Powered Toothbrushes.....

MargoLago, FL - Former President of the United States of America Donald Faison Trump promised a return to coal-powered toothbrushes during a campaign rally in New Hampshire last week. 

Donald Trump, shown here lightly running his tongue along the underside of his human teeth, plans to put coal-powered toothbrushes in every home by Christmas of 2025, which everyone will be talking about again thanks to him 

"You know I have these brilliant white chompers," Trump told the enraptured crowd of supporters. "And when I have them cleaned, I want a brush that really gets in between all the crevices and beneath the gum line like a real powerhouse, but you use these new toothbrushes and they just lightly push all the food particles around."

During the speech, Trump announced his plan to direct the United States Department of Energy to release new guidelines enforcing a return to coal-powered toothbrushes. "Wind and solar power are more expensive, less effective, and what do you do on a cloudy day? Do you just use a washcloth, or maybe a Q-tip?"

Trump went on to bemoan the poor quality of modern electric toothbrushes. According to the thrice indicted former business owner, coal-powered brushes will be good for the environment. "These cheap brushes with their solar and their wind, which the whales and the birds are dying because of, they don't work so good. You know what you do? You brush about 10 times longer, you have to brush multiple times a day, and you use more water and more electricity. I'm going to break all that up."

More Parents are Turning to Highly Trained Specialists for Help Choosing a Baby Name.....

Minneapolis, MN - As pressure grows to choose the perfect name for their new baby, more parents are turning to highly trained specialists for help.

New parents, shown here holding their daughter Phacoma Marie, chose to use the services of an emergency baby name consultant after they forgot to come up with a name themselves

"As the due date approaches, expecting parents have a long to-do list when preparing for the big day, not the least of which is coming up with a name for the baby," emergency baby name consultant Weather Carlson explained. "But a lot of parents put off choosing a name until the last minute or simply forget to do it. Then they panic and freeze up, which is where I come in."

As hospital-based emergency baby name consultants, Carlson and her colleagues are available day and night to help new parents. According to Carlson, there is increasing pressure to pick a name that won't go viral for all the wrong reasons. "Social media has become such a prominent feature in the day-to-day lives of parents, and they don't want to be forced to turn off their comments because of a boring and uninspired baby name. It's a big decision with potentially lifelong consequences for the entire family."

"Babies are notorious for their lack of respect for other people's time," Carlson revealed. "They can be born at any time of day or night so we have to be available in the hospital 24/7 because time is of the essence. We call it the golden hour, the time when a baby's name is most likely to take. Even after 20 years of doing this, I still feel that rush of excitement when my pager goes off. It isn't always easy, but we train for this and it almost always goes well. Almost always."

Emergency baby name consulting is a collaborative effort. Carlson says that the name she provides to a family is always based on the most up-to-date research, but ultimately the parents have to agree with a choice and give consent. "It always stings a bit, but I don't take a rejection personally. I love what I do but it's a job and doesn't fully define who I am as a person. I have the parents sign a waiver to document that they understand the potential risks of refusing a recommended baby name and I don't look back. Okay, I look back a little. I worry about the future for some of these kids."

Carlson believes that determining the perfect baby name is more of a science than an art, but that doesn't mean it isn't a creative process. She advises parents who have decided to forego professional help to keep it simple. "You want a name that is unique without being complicated or overwrought. If you just wanted a name that no other baby has, you could make it 50 letters long or throw in a few numbers, symbols, or even an exclamation point, but that would come across as desperate and forced. Just take a common name and tweak it, for example, such as turning a Beckett into a Breckett or a Barbara into a Brabara."

New Study Investigates Long Term Impact of Scaring the Crap Out of Toddlers.....

Cambridge, MA - Behavioral Development researchers near Harvard have designed a study to help increase our understanding of the potential long term effects of repeatedly scaring the crap out of toddlers. 

Research assistant Glandace Muniz, shown here screaming at a toddler who didn't finish her peas, says she took the position because of a passion for making young children cry and her belief that it will prepare them for what is to come

"I simply can't stress enough how important it is for people to understand that this is purely about advancing the science of toddler behavior," lead researcher Benjamin Biscuit PhD explained. "Honestly we hardly enjoy this at all, and most days in the lab are actually pretty boring. Some days though, some days are hilarious."

The study, which involves the observation and strict documentation of the behavioral responses of toddlers who are exposed to a variety of scary scenarios, such as locking them in a room with a stranger in a monster costume or filling their Pack n' Play with Scarlet Kingsnakes, is facing significant backlash from some parenting experts. According to pediatrician and toddler social media coach Mort Fishman, studies in the lab using strict controls often don't translate to the real world. "Sure a kid might be traumatized, but you can't ignore the potential benefit of having their reaction viewed by millions of strangers if a video goes viral. You can't replicate that in a lab environment because people crave authenticity."

Local Woman Determined to Protect Children from Halloween Fentanyl Dangers.....

Norwich, VT - As the specter of Halloween draws near and parents all over the United States brace themselves for the potential loss of a child from being exposed to fentanyl while trick-or-treating, one woman is determined to keep the body count to a minimum in her small Vermont town.

Halloween savior Linda Cook, shown here defiant in the face of a potential onslaught of fentanyl coated Halloween candy and right before masturbating to an episode of The Hallmark Channel's When Calls the Heart

"I'm not going to let one child in my town suffer and die because greedy dealers want to give their drugs away for free this Halloween," Norwich Women's Club 2020 Citizen of the Year, Linda Cook explained. "That's why instead of my usual raisins and toothbrushes, I'm handing out Narcan nasal spray."

Norwich children may not impressed by receiving a competitive mu-opioid receptor antagonist instead of a handful of their favorite fun sized chocolate candies, but this lifesaving treat might be the only thing that stands between them and a drug dealer's deadly trick. According to police toxicologist Mort Fishman of the Miami Police Department's Halloween Threat Assessment and Response Task Force, parents need to be extra cautious this year. "Whether its bringing your child's Halloween haul down to the station to have it tested for fentanyl, or to the nearest emergency department to have it scanned for razor blades, there is nothing too extreme when it comes to protecting your child. Last year there were no children killed by free drugs in their candy, which means we are due for a pile of them."

Mississippi Passes Law Banning or Allowing Prenatal Corporal Punishment.....

 Jackson, MS - Mississippi governor Tate Reeves has signed controversial legislation this week that either bans or clarifies the legality of using prenatal corporal punishment on a developing fetus.

A photo of a Mississippi fetus receiving either a good spanking or intrauterine spina bifida surgery

"This law either establishes that caregivers who participate in intrauterine corporal punishment will face severe penalties for violating the sanctity of human life in the womb or that they are well within their God-given rights to choose how to parent a child that's actin' up," Mississippi Attorney General Lynn Fitch explained. "You can decide which one feels right for yourself, but honestly they both make sense if you think about it for a minute."

Corporal punishment is the deliberate infliction of physical pain as a response to undesired behaviors, and typically involves spanking or paddling in the case of a child at home or in a school setting. According to historian Grumb Waitstaff, the entirety of the state's history since admission to the Union in 1817 could be used to explain their government being either for or against intrauterine corporal punishment. "Whether it's their fixation on designating the unborn fetus as a person with full constitutional rights at any gestational age or their apparent love of using physical pain to correct behaviors perceived as bad or inappropriate, it really could go either way with those assholes. So you get to pick."

More Doctors are Screening Patients for Fentanyl Overdoses.....

San Diego, CA - In the hopes of identifying and treating fentanyl overdoses before they become deadly, more primary care offices are screening patients for signs and symptoms of the condition while they wait to see the doctor.

A woman, shown here waiting to see her primary care provider about a new breast lump and experiencing a fentanyl overdose, probably from that $5 bill she found on the sidewalk last week 

"I think it's great that more offices are focusing on early detection of fentanyl overdoses," Jaymie Freedman, an internal medicine provider at Beach Paradise Primary Care, explained. "There is nothing more satisfying than being able to identify a patient in need of help and then administering Narcan before it's too late. A lot of people don't even realize how much fentanyl is out there on stuff you might find lying around or just floating in the air."

Although fentanyl overdose screening has yet to be standardized, most offices focus on the physical sensations and emotional reactions typically experienced when even a tiny amount of the dangerous chemical contacts the skin or is breathed in while minding your business, maybe walking your dog or calling the police on a suspicious black man washing a car in front of his house. According to Freedman, people are often shocked at how such a small amount of fentanyl can be life-threatening. "An Olympic-sized pool with just one fentanyl tablet dissolved in it could kill thousands of people if they were to inhale the water. And I don't think anyone is even testing pools that our children are swimming in."

Actress Laura Dern, shown here doing a perfect impression of a fentanyl overdose in her hit 1993 film Attack of the Dinobots!

Some experts are even recommending that patients consider self-administering a fentanyl overdose screen at home. Miami Police Department toxicologist Mort Fishman says to be diligent because overdose doesn't always wait until you happen to have scheduled a doctor appointment to ask about a suspicious mole or intense heart palpitations. "Do you feel like you are about to die? Are you having trouble catching your breath? What about chest pain, nausea, or lightheadedness? If the answer to any of these is even just a maybe...run!"

Elon Musk Solves Self-Driving Car Problem.....

Austin, TX - Elon Musk, the enigmatic business purchaser and social media user has revealed a breakthrough that may finally make the self-driving car safer than those operated by humans.

Elon Musk, shown here all like, "Whatevs. No big deal. Just saving lives over here." after telling Tesla engineers to make something work with octopuses 

"I had the idea while watching a documentary on the evolution of the human eye," Musk explained. "We have evolved with neural wiring and vasculature that blocks light as it makes its way to photosensitive receptors in the retina, causing a blind spot. If one of my engineers came up with that design, I would fire them...in an email to the entire company...for not being hardcore enough."

Scientists have long known that the human eye, the same eye we use when driving, is flawed. But it took the mind of Musk to do what others could not: innovate a solution to one of the biggest problems facing mankind today. "The octopus has a lens and a retina similar to ours, but their neural wiring and blood vessels are tucked away behind the light receptors. By looking to the natural world, I figured out how to make Tesla driver-assistance safer in a way that could likely bring our self-driving capabilities up to a hard 6 but at the very least a soft 5."

A level 5 autonomous vehicle would not require any human attention in order to operate safely. In fact, steering wheels, pedals, and even windows and windshields would be unnecessary features. These cars would have the ability to go anywhere and do anything that a qualified human driver could do, which is pretty cool I guess, but they would have difficulty in certain scenarios.

Level 6 vehicle autonomy has been considered an impossible dream by many experts in the field, experts who don't wake up every day with Elon Musk's singular genius. A self-driving car that achieves level 6 capability would be able to perform well beyond the qualified human driver. For example, it could drive backwards as fast as driving forwards, smoothly drive the wrong way down a busy one way street, and even jump a half-raised drawbridge, all of which would be invaluable during a high-speed chase or a kindergarten drop-off.

Smart reader Neil deGrasse Tyson, shown here not sexually assaulting an assistant, doesn't need his hand held to figure stuff out. Do you?

Simpleminded readers might be wondering what do octopus eyes have to do with driving a car. They are probably drooling too. Smart people don't need to be spoon fed obvious information. Smart people like you, right?

Genetically Modified Baked Goods Contain 30% More Love.....

Belvidere, NE - According to food scientists from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Agricultural Research Division, a recent breakthrough in the science of genetic modification of plants has led to the development of foods, particularly baked goods, with considerably higher amounts of love.

Belvidere's Myrna Miller, shown here baking with her grandson Mervis, who was born with a cabbage head because her daughter-in-law prefers Sara Lee to her homemade apple pie

"Everyone knows that the best meals are prepared with a little love," Derek McLean, Dean and Director of the Agriculture Research Division, explained. "With the use of advanced technology by some of the world's leading scientific minds in this field, we may soon live in a world where all of our favorite recipes, from apple pie to rhubarb cobbler, peach fritters to blueberry buckle, and even chocolate potato pie, will contain amounts of love previously believed to be impossible and without needing to be made at home by your mother or grandmother."

Not everyone believes that the introduction of genetically modified crops into the food supply, even when they result in an increase in the amount of love in a baked good, is a good idea. Myrna Miller, whose peach cobbler has won first prize at the Belvidere Country Craft and Flea Market bake-off an unprecedented 54 years in a row, has begun a letter writing campaign in the hopes of putting an end to the project. "It isn't right messin' with nature like that. You just can't go foolin' with the natural order of things without brewin' up a mighty mess o' trouble. Trouble like increased rates of cancer and other degenerative ailments, the breeding of superviruses with human-like intelligence, and more and more children being born with cabbage heads!"

Even some experts, like culinologist Gilbert Gaudet, are questioning the need for focusing limited research dollars on increasing the percentage of love in food. According to a study performed at his science lab near Harvard, subjects can't even determine when there is any love in a meal when blinded. "Eating is a highly complex activity and it is impossible to separate the environment surrounding the meal from the chemical components of the food being ingested. You can stuff an apricot clafoutis with as much love as you want, but you won't like it very much if you think it was baked by Jeffrey Epstein."

Trump Calls for National Death Race in Speech to California Republicans.....

Anaheim, CA - Former president and current GOP 2024 frontrunner Donald Trump called for the development of a national "Death Race" during a speech at the California Republican Party convention in Anaheim last week.

An AI rendering of a potential Death Race car and driver based on Donald Trump's description and crayon drawings

"We will immediately put an end to all of the pillaging and the theft, and people are just so angry and we will stop it and it will stop and people will be united again," Trump explained during his speech on Friday. "As your favorite president who got the most votes of anyone in the election, I will impose martial law and create a transcontinental road race. Our brave drivers will race across this great country in really fast cars with guns and knives sticking out of them. It's going to be a beautiful thing."

In addition to race participants competing to be the first to cross the finish line, they will also score bonus points for each pedestrian death caused by their vehicle. According to Trump, some deaths will be worth more points than others. "These shoplifters that are just running wild all over the place will be ten points. Radical left Marxists and fascists, who are very sick people by the way, are 20 points. And these illegals, or these woke people. Anyone who is woke will go for what, what do you think? 50 points? How about 50 points?"