Nutrition Experts Weigh in on Foie Gras Baby Food.....

Chicago, IL - Researchers from the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics (AND) have released the findings of their comprehensive investigation of European foie gras-based baby foods that have increased in popularity over the past few years.

Human baby Fern Sheldrake, shown here enjoying a handful of P'tit Salaud brand foie gras-based baby food that his parents smuggled in from Paris, has already been accepted to one of the finest pre-schools in Milwaukee

"Our goal was to determine the true nutritional value of these products using a systematic approach and the most advanced technology available anywhere in the world," AND president Ellen Shanley explained. "We found that they are high in fat and calories. Very high. Just absurdly and unnecessarily high. We were all, like, this is nuts! Why is there so much fat in this baby food?"

Some experts in human health, like fully apprenticed nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, are advising parents to look beyond simplistic measurements of a food's nutrient content. "Food is more than just a collection of calories, protein, total fat, saturated fat, total carbohydrates, sugars, and sodium. I mean, just one jar of this stuff contains a month's worth of vital greases and amalgamated congealants."

Foie gras-based baby foods are not approved for sale in the United States, but they are available online from some European companies. Certain brands, thanks to the influence of high profile celebrities, have even come to be seen as status symbols in the social circles of wealthy Americans. Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo's baby Mada Enivel, who was born in a dolphin-assisted birthing paddock in January, has been seen all over Los Angeles recently covered in her favorite brand, Klein Stinkendus Kind, which Levine has shipped in weekly in the rectums of German supermodels. 

Zoo's Views!: That Show About Besties in the Big City.....

Remember Besties!, the 90s sitcom about, you guessed it, a group of best friends hanging out together in a New York City coffee shop (Caffeine Central), or their impossibly large apartments? I sure do! For nearly a decade, Besties! was that show that I had to watch every Thursday night. And I wasn't alone. This show practically defined the decade with it's fashion, music, and ripped from the headlines plots.

Levon, Alice, Bernice, the twins, and Becka ("Becka, that's my spot!") from the hit 90s sitcom Besties!

When the show premiered in 1994, critics hailed it as a revolutionary spectacle that combined cutting edge (at the time) CGI and old school practical effects and wire work with the romantic adventures and career ups and downs of six twentysomething visitors from the planet Omicron 7. By the fifth episode, "The Show About Gender Nonconformity", the "they never will" relationship between the asexual yellow beanie wearing Levon and the boy twin was ramping up, and cisgender Bernice's popular catchphrase, "Becka, that's my spot!" had made its first appearance.  American was hooked and the ratings skyrocketed. 

A scene from the live finale of the classic 1970s sitcom Racist Father-in-Law that involved the unscripted death of series star Frank O'Bilby

By the end of its ten season run, Besties! had cemented itself as one of the most beloved sitcoms of all time, up there with That's My Linda! and Racist Father-in-Law. Some critics, like Lloyd Brunch from TVBIZ.com, credit the show with a number of groundbreaking firsts in television entertainment. "This was the first sitcom to feature a polyamorous relationship. It was the first sitcom to feature unsimulated sexual acts. Girl twin delivered her actual baby live. That wasn't a prop!"

ACLU Clerical Error Leads to Cancellation of Arizona Man.....

Paradise Valley, AZ - A clerical error made at the ACLU of Arizona headquarters in Phoenix has resulted in the accidental cancellation of a Paradise Valley man.

Chip Flexington, shown here just having to laugh at the protesters gathered at the perimeter wall of his gated community and the silly situations life sometimes throws at you

"My life is somewhat inconvenienced," Paradise Valley architect Chip Flexington explained. "Other than my family, friends, successful architecture practice, vacation home on Amelia island, and the country club membership, I've got nothing. Nothing except for maybe these two beautiful girls I've helped raise to be fine young adults. Sasha and Cooper, come over here and say hello to the nice reporter."

After the accidental cancellation, the beleaguered Flexington has become the subject of thousands of angry social media posts which he hasn't seen, because he doesn't have any accounts. Some of his opponents, like Massachusetts civil rights attorney Chips O'Toole, are determined to bring the two time Paradise Valley Citizen of the Month award winner down. "As soon as I got the email from the ACLU, I got to work. I won't stop until everyone knows that he did something, and I bet it was probably pretty racist too!"

Florida Toddlers Turned Gay at Drag Queen Story Hour.....

Tampa, FL - Florida public health authorities are warning parents of straight infants and toddlers to avoid Drag Story Hour or similar events while visiting other states after reports of straight toddlers being turned gay were presented at a local conservative pediatric medical conference this this week.

One Florida child was turned gay and suffered severe developmental delays after a drag queen in a face mask read them a story while visiting relatives in Massachusetts

"These are a nightmare scenarios that could have been prevented," Mort Fishman MD, president of the Conservative Florida Pediatric Action Network Alliance explained. "These are some of the straightest toddlers you'll ever meet, and now, after listening to just one story read by a man dressed like a woman, they are completely and apologetically gay."

Drag is an art form in which a person dresses in elaborate clothing and make-up designed to present an exaggerated stereotypical version of the opposite gender, most commonly involving men performing as women. Critics of drag events, such as Florida governor Ron DeSantis, claim that parents have a right to protect their children from gay stuff. "Look, if they can turn an undeniably heterosexual toddler like little Wayne Simmons gay then nobody is safe. Not your kid. Not even you. I'm talking to all you dads out there."

Bose Corporation to Produce Fentanyl-Canceling Headphones for First Responders.....

Framingham, MA - Bose Corporation, a popular American audio equipment manufacturing company, has announced plans to produce fentanyl-canceling headphones for use by first responders.

Lance Corporal, a lance corporal in the the Science Division of the Vermont State Police, shown here without proper ear protection and right before suffering classic fentanyl overdose symptoms of dizziness, tingly hands, and increased heart and respiratory rates

"Bose has been making high quality home audio systems, speakers, professional audio products, automobile sound systems, and noise-canceling headphones since 1964," Bose Corporation CEO Lila Snyder explained. "What we have learned since then is that our products have the power to transport us. Transform us. To make us feel alive. And to keep our firefighters, police, emergency medical technicians, and paramedics safe from a potential fentanyl overdose in the line of duty."

As many news reports and police press releases have confirmed, first responders are particularly sensitive to even very tiny amounts of fentanyl. Police toxicologist Mort Fishman, who has personally overdosed numerous times after coming into contact with fentanyl in the lab, or with someone he was worried might have some fentanyl in their pockets, has been recommending increased protection for years. "I'm always telling people that they need ear protection. Gloves, goggles, and a lab coat just aren't enough anymore because this stuff is everywhere, and it's patient. It will wait until you make a mistake."

Post Consumer Brands Announces Cereal for Men with Erectile Dysfunction.....

Lakeville, MN - Post Consumer Brands, the company behind popular cereals like Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, and Cinnamon Sugar Boulders, has announced a new addition to their product lineup designed to help men with erectile dysfunction, Raisin Bran Intimates.

Post Holdings, Inc. Chairman and CEO William P. Stiritz, shown here proudly erect at a 2019 award ceremony 

"When people are eating a bowl of cereal, they typically aren't thinking about problems in the bedroom," Post Holdings, Inc. Chairman and CEO William P. Stiritz explained. "But eating a bowl of Raisin Bran Intimates may be just the thing they need. That's what I think anyway, if you want one old man's opinion on the subject."

Post cereals have been helping early risers start their day for more than a century. Stiritz, who had his first erection at Spencer's General Store in Jasper, Arkansas in 1947 because of a Betty Grable poster, and has served as chairman and CEO of Post Holdings, Inc. since 2011, feels that the time is right to focus on helping men who have difficulty rising at night. "If we help even one man achieve a harder and longer lasting erection, then it will have all been worth it."

"For 30 million American adult men, the ability to achieve a firm, engorged, and enlarged penis when needed is elusive," Mort Fishman, a medical consultant for Post, explained. "A successful erection is the result of a complex interplay of psychology, neurology, vascular health, and endocrine factors, and this cereal is a delicious part of a complete erectile dysfunction treatment plan."

Raisin Bran Intimates comes in two flavors, Banana Blast and Honey Drizzle, and each is packed with ingredients that support a natural erection. According to Stiritz, men deserve a good erection. "This is the first ready-to-eat cereal specially designed to support penis health, and it's made with wholesome ingredients, vitamin B, dehydroepiandrosterone, and an herbal blend of ginkgo, Asia ginseng root, and horny goat weed. Get the erection you dream of!"

Raisin Bran Intimates can be found at grocery stores nationwide in the adult cereal aisle.

Governor DeSantis Claps Back at Trolls Mocking his Cringe Viral Laugh

Tallahassee, FL - Ron Desantis (R) is clapping back at trolls and haters that have been throwing shade after a recent video of the governor laughing at an Iowan voter's comments went viral.

Governor DeSantis, shown here giving a shout out to supporter Azealia Banks at a recent press conference

"Frankly, anyone trying to clock me over a genuine expression of joy is basic AF," DeSantis, who is considering a run for the Republican nomination in 2024, explained. "One thing that I will never apologize for is being extra when it comes to living my best life and working hard to keep this state, and possibly this country, on fleek."

The popular governor is making it clear to the voters of Florida and his stans across the United States that there is no place for that shit here. DeSantis, a one time Trump biffle who is now a savage Wario to the former president, is calling for people who don't have anything nice to say to just shut their damn mouths, alright? "I'm not going be all thirsty for approval. This potential campaign is about realness, keeping it 100, and maintaining a turnt nature all the way to 2024...possibly."

Christian Radiologists Call for More Clinical Revelation.....

Tallahassee, FL - The largest group of Christian radiologists in Florida is calling for ordering physicians to provide more clinical revelation when requesting imaging studies.

A Christian radiologist, shown here silently judging a series of CT scan images  

"Being a Christian radiologist is a calling and not just a job," Florida Christian Radiologist Society (FCRS) president Jeremiah Lucas explained. "And we are called by Christ to do more than simply creating and interpreting images of tissues within the human body using x-rays, sound waves, or other types of energy."

When a medical provider orders an imaging study, they have traditionally provided a brief justification for the request. According to Lucas, this might include a description of the patient's symptoms and even the specific diagnoses that they think might be to blame for them. "Clinical correlation is important, don't get me wrong. But only through God's clinical revelation can we know the divine truth of the patient's condition."

The FCRS, in a position paper recently published in the Florida Journal of Christian Radiology, points out that the only way to know God's truth, or to be able to relate to Him in a personal way, is to acknowledge and accept that God wants to make himself known to each and every one of us. Through revelation, the paper details, and the righteousness and grace of God, the medical team can come to know the true differential and ultimately, in accordance with God's plan, both the source of a patient's ailment and the destiny of mankind to one day enter into his eternal kingdom.

Governor Ron DeSantis has announced that he will sign an executive order shielding God from all HIPAA violation complaints.

American College of Pediatricians Issues New Recommendations on Erections in Schools.....

Gainesville, FL - The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds), a national organization of pediatricians and other healthcare professionals dedicated to the health and well-being of some children, has issued a statement containing updated recommendations on adolescent erections in schools.

An adolescent boy, shown here ashamed of his erection in algebra class, would go on to become a gay because Becky Salinger wouldn't go with him to prom

"The college was founded to specifically address concerns such as this," ACPeds President Michael Artigues explained. "We saw a need for an organization of mostly older white male pediatricians who would not be influenced by politics or common decency but who would base policies and positions on scientific truths within a framework of ethical absolutes revealed in the Bible, such as the sanctity of human life from conception to natural death, the importance of the fundamental mother-father family unit, being able to smack your kids around when they talk back, and how to compassionately discuss spontaneous erections at school in boys going through puberty."

During puberty, boys sometimes get erections unexpectedly. According to Artigues, this can be embarrassing, especially if they occur in school and without any provocation from girls that are dressed inappropriately. "We recommend letting your son know that these erections happen, are a normal sign of becoming a man, and are never his fault."

The statement, "The Unexpected Erection", published online last week, describes how adolescent boys may be uniquely impacted by spontaneous erections in schools. The policy observes that approximately 21 billion, or about 50%, of all penile engorgement events in this age group occur at school each year. ACPeds experts in childhood development and behavior are raising concerns of long term consequences when not handled appropriately.

Parents are advised to ask their teenage boys early if they are experiencing erections at school, preferably over dinner and when grandma is visiting. They recognize that erections should be seen as a family issue and not something to be isolated behind closed doors where inappropriate thoughts can begin to fester. The statement provides a number of helpful discussion starters:

1. "Hey Timmy, I noticed that your voice has deepened and that you've put on some muscle lately. Have you been having erections at school?"
2. "Did you hear that the Johnson's sent their boy to conversion camp? Sounds like he was having erections at school during gym class. Have you ever had any erections at school?"
3. "Your mother and I were just reminiscing about the time I had an erection at school sophomore year. That's how we met! Have you been having erections at school around any nice girls?
4. "Sheesh, the liberals these days and their woke agenda. Why are they always trying to force their sexuality on young children in schools. Have any teachers been talking to you about stuff like that, or maybe about erections you've been having...at school?
5. We've asked a friend from church to join us tonight to talk about a very important topic. Erections at school. Timmy, this is Pastor Bill. Pastor Bill, meet our son Timmy. We'll leave you two alone and head out to see a movie. See you in a couple hours."

 "These are important developmental years," Mort Fishman, Chief of the ACPeds Section on Pediatric Morality and author of the statement, revealed. "These teens are gaining skills in independence, while also establishing a personal relationship with Jesus our Lord and Savior and developing a moral foundation that will support them into adulthood. These erections are growth opportunities but also a point where many young men turn toward a life of sexual deviancy."

The ACPeds statement recognizes that teenagers are natural explorers. Fishman adds that puberty in particular is a time for boys to develop independence and for some to recognize their place at the head of the societal table. "We emphasize that being made to feel uncomfortable or wrong for having feelings and urges that they can't control, as long as they are within appropriate heterosexual parameters, can be a real set back."

The statement recommends that parents report any signs of potential sexual deviancy to their American College of Pediatricians endorsed local provider right away.

Deepak Chopra Endorses New Line of Steam and Serve Meals.....

Orlando, FL - Following in the footsteps of other self-help and actualization gurus, Deepak Chopra has announced the development of a new line of low calorie "steam and serve" snacks and entrees.

A woman, shown here enjoying a Mediterranean Medley entrée from the Chopra Bowls line of pre-cooked meals and extending the energetic boundaries of her consciousness into the greater cosmos, laughs at the realization that aging is merely a construct that is dependent on purposeful intentionality

"Around the still point of the present moment galaxies evolve, the universe expands," Chopra revealed during a press conference held outside the headquarters of his Chopra Foundation in Orlando. "The point of arrival is now. There is never a time that is not now. Cosmic consciousness. Cosmic cuisine."

Chopra's reasonably portioned meals, which will cost $30 per serving, will only use high-quality organic ingredients that are vegan, gluten-free, non-GMO, and kosher. In addition, each individual meal will be prepared and packaged by a mother who is actively breastfeeding a child being carried in an authentic Chinese Mei Tai. Chopra, who has personally overseen the meal selection for the new product line, is confident that they will appeal to the sophisticated palates of today's consumers and stand out in an overcrowded marketplace. "We experience the contents of our consciousness as the world. We are not in the world, the world is in us. Only pure awareness is creative. Only stores in Florida and California will fill this void in our kitchens and our lives."

Only a handful of choices will be available at launch next month, but Chopra has revealed that more options will be on store shelves, or available for purchase from his website, by the end of the year. According to the world renowned educator and former endocrinologist, there will eventually be over 30 different meals to choose from. "Your brain is the observation deck for the universe to see itself. Nothing does not exist. It is full of activity. Quantum vacuum, plenum, fullness, virtual particles, vegan lasagna."

What is Chopra's favorite meal from the new line? The alternative health expert and author of almost 100 books says that he truly loves them all, or else he wouldn't have given them his seal of approval. "What appears to us as the unpredictable movement of atoms ends up manufacturing a universe with mind and life. Every addiction is to a thought. The ticket to freedom is in the gap between thoughts. Kids will love our oatmeal with apples and cinnamon."

Proposed Legislation Requires Texas Children to Learn Battlefield Acupuncture.....

Austin, TX - As mass shootings continue at a record pace, Texas lawmakers are considering a new law that would require all school districts to train children as young as nine months in the management of acute pain in wounded classmates using battlefield acupuncture (BFA).

Manny, the lifelike mannequin used for training infants and toddlers in the non-pharmaceutical pain management of school mass shooting victims

"The idea of children crawling around with sharp needles in their hands during a mass shooting might sound a bit disturbing to moms and dads," Governor Greg Abbott explained. "But I want to be the first to reassure parents that battlefield acupuncture is extremely safe and almost none of them will have their eye put out...by an acupuncture needle."

The U.S. Department of Defense and Pediatric Medicine (DDPM), which developed battlefield acupuncture protocols for children in the 1960s in response to threats of a nuclear exchange with the USSR, reports that pain is often undertreated in children. According to retired Air Force colonel Mort Fishman, an expert in both acupuncture and child development, the cause of a pain isn't particularly important. "Whether you are dealing with a sore throat, a skinned knee, or an AR-15 round to the abdomen, the response should be the same because the children are our future and we should protect them...from poorly treated pain."

HB2147 would require that battlefield acupuncture training start once an infant develops a mature pincer grasp, which is typically around nine to ten months. The bill's author, Texas Representative Rosco Shrump, said the measure was inspired by the massacre at Robb Elementary in Uvalde. 

We can all agree that the answer is to arm all our administrators, teachers, custodians, cafeteria workers, and parents so that there will be an impenetrable perimeter of good guys with guns around every school, and that we also need volunteer armed escorts on school buses, during field trips, at after school sports practices, and at away games. But until then, oh, and also let's fix mental health because that's the real problem here. But we have to do something, and this is definitely something.

Some critics are concerned that battlefield acupuncture will be too emotionally intense for younger children. Dr. Fishman says that the training can easily be done in an age appropriate way without using any gory images. "It's not scary at all, and the kids actually have a great time practicing with our lifelike training mannequins while we simulate an assault on their childcare facility or school using volunteers from local prisons and police departments."

Louisiana Senate to Debate Proposal Banning Gender Affirming Care for puppies.....

Baton Rouge, LA - Democrats and Republicans in the Louisiana Senate are set to debate a controversial proposal that would effectively ban veterinarians in the state from providing gender affirming care for puppies.

A Louisiana Catahoula Leopard Dog puppy just prior to being groomed by a transgender dog groomer

"I believe that the Bible should dictate how we manage gender dysphoria in dogs," local Christian veterinarian Breffany Biscuit explained. "The Bible reveals God's wisdom with all things, be they the management of heartworms in a 9-year-old Havapoo, how to remove a sock from a chocolate Lab's distal colon, and how puppies that become confused at liberal dog parks should just accept the gender they were assigned at birth."

This is not the only potential new law being discussed during the current legislative session that is raising concerns among the state's more liberal demographic. Louisiana transgender human Melvie Butterstone, one of almost a hundred transgender humans in the state, is worried that religious conservatives are trying erase the existence of an entire group of animals:

It isn't just puppies. Louisiana black bears, pine snakes, alligators, pearl shells, and even red-cockaded woodpeckers that don't fit into the heteronormative paradigm are all facing potential hardships should the current slate of anti-LGBTQ animal bills reach Governor Edwards' desk. 

Republican state senator Beth Mizell, a cisgender human (she/her) from Franklinton who was once licked at a Hobby Lobby by a male Golden Retriever posing as a female Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, is shown here demonstrating just how far up she has had it with gay dogs shoving their business and noses in the crotches of the good people of Louisiana 

If enacted, the proposed legislation would make surgical gender reassignment in underage dogs illegal in Louisiana. Other provisions would put restrictions on the use of puppy puberty blockers and require six months of therapy with a certified dog whisperer or pet psychic before owners are allowed to put their younger dogs in a gender nonconforming outfit, especially a sassy rainbow bow-tie, during Mardi Gras. And don't even get them started on Canine Pride Month, because they've had it up to here with all the gay stuff.

Florida State Police Urge Residents to "Respect the Risk" from Secondhand Fentanyl.....

Tallahassee, FL - The Florida Department of Law Enforcement's new Respect the Risk™ campaign is warning state residents about the dangers of overdosing after exposure to secondhand fentanyl smoke.

Corporal Brock Stallion, shown here demonstrating the latest version of the FentaShield airway defense system used by Florida police to prevent secondhand fentanyl overdose

"We want people to respect the risk when it comes to every kind of fentanyl exposure," FDLE Commissioner Mark Glass explained. "Most people know about overdosing from fentanyl molecules on their skin, but they also need to know about secondhand fentanyl smoke and how when they breathe in someone else's breath, they are breathing in the breath of every person whose breath that person has ever breathed in."

The Respect the Risk™ campaign is the brainchild of Mort Fishman, a police toxicologist with decades of experience making the public aware of things to be afraid of. Fishman, who previously worked on educational pamphlets for families, such as Sally's Satanic Saturday and Timmy Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Because a Stranger Kidnapped him from a Chuck E. Cheese, believes that a combination of awareness and technology are necessary to keep Floridians safe from secondhand fentanyl smoke. "The FentaShield airway defense system is cheaper than a '98 Buick LeSabre and effective at preventing secondhand, thirdhand, and probably even fourthhand exposures."

Dr. Oz Announces Return to Television.....

Washington, D.C. -  Dr. Mehmet Oz, the cardiothoracic surgeon, media personality, and former candidate for United States Senate in Pennsylvania for some reason, has announced his return to daytime television as the new host of the longest running program on the National Academy of Sciences streaming service.

Dr. Oz, shown here demonstrating an ancient Nepalese technique for clearing clogged sinuses and calming an enraged yeti after stumbling into their sacred hunting grounds

"We couldn't be more proud to have Dr. Oz join the NAS+ Ultra family," NAS President Marcia McNutt explained. "And we can't think of a better vehicle to showcase his dynamic personality and commitment to educating the public than Dr. Oz Presents: Mining for Bigfoot's Secret Gold."

Fans of the show, which has aired on NAS+ Ultra every weekday from 10 a.m to noon since 2012, are counting on 2023 to be the year that the team of miners and cryptozoologists finally succeed. Expedition leader Cleep Denkins, PhD, who has been looking for the mysterious creature's buried treasure ever since he was rescued by one while lost in the Appalachian forest as a young child, revealed that the stakes are high this season. "We're gonna find that damn monkey man's gold or I'll give back the grant money!!!"