God Apologies for Clerical Error Leading to Death of Glenn Frey.....

3 Financial Plaza, Heaven- Citing an unfortunate clerical error, God apologized today for the untimely death of rock legend Glenn Frey.

Guy Fieri, shown here being just an awful, awful human being mere moments before serving a flaming pile of his own feces as a signature dish at one of his terrible restaurants

"This truly almost never happens," the Supreme Being and Creator of the universe explained. "I mean, I can see how it happened. Guy Fieri has the same initials, and we just relocated that department to the third floor so it's been chaotic around here lately."

Frey, a founding members of The Eagles along with Don Henley, Bernie Leadon, and Randy Meisner, won six Grammy Awards and co-wrote "Hotel California", a decade defining song for many growing up in the 1970's. According to God, Frey was a singular talent the likes of which may not be seen again. "I really screwed up and I'm sorry. If it helps you feel better, I'm still going to take Guy Fieri, and he's going to suffer...a lot."

Science Shows Superfoods Would Have Saved Millions of Lives During Black Death.....

Sedona, AZ- According to new research out of the Scientific Institute for Superfood Science in Sedona, incorporation of superfoods into the daily diet of mid-14th century Europeans might have saved millions of lives during the Black Death.

A 14th century French cave drawing depicting a typical day in the life of our primitive European ancestors during the peak years of the Black Death

"I wouldn't call this a surprising result given the multitude of proven superfood health benefits," Project leader Scientist Patel explained. "One can't help but feel sorry for those poor bastards, huddled together for warmth in dark caves, living in constant fear of being carried off by a pterodactyl while foraging for food, and then having to deal with the bubonic plague. Yikes!"

Although it may be too late for our primitive ancestors, modern farming techniques have made superfoods like kale and acai berries available year round. And advances in blending technology have unlocked their true antioxidant potential in an increasing array of powerful and delicious smoothie recipes. According to Patel, the time has come for the people entrusted with public safety to act. "We are calling for the federal government to begin stockpiling kale, mangosteens, goji berries and other superfoods for distribution in the event of a future pandemic."

New Study Reveals Babies Resistant to Behavior Manipulation.....

Wilmington, DE-A recently concluded 10-year, 7 million dollar study of the effectiveness of common methods of behavior modification on infants has found that children under a year of age are surprisingly resistant.

Sergeant First Class Timmy "Tinkle Pot" Abernathy, shown here patriotically soiling himself

"We looked at everything," Drexel University and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, motivated interviewing, cognitive behavioral therapy, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. And across the board they weren't effected. These findings may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."

According to Scott, these findings are sure to serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something is going on here, the next step is figuring out how babies remain impervious to these typically effective means of behavior manipulation. But ultimately we need to know why only babies can do this and if this is something that can be harnessed for the betterment of mankind."

The Pentagon has been aware of this study, and interested in the results, from the beginning. In a recently leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Hap Remington wrote "So if we are all in agreement on this, I can have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by the end of the year." The White House however is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants into the military.

Area Chiropractor Lowers Center of Gravity, Reduces Elderly Fall Risk.....

Belvidere, NE- Falls are one of the leading causes of injury in the elderly, sending millions each year into the emergency department. In addition to the numerous cases of traumatic brain injury, broken hips, and even death, falls in this population cost more than $30 billion annually. But one local chiropractor may have found a revolutionary way to significantly reduce the risk of a fall by lowering a patient's center of gravity.

Belvidere Chiropractor Frank Grimes, shown here not admitting any culpability in the wrongful death of a patient who fell outside of Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe, home of the World Famous $3 Dollar Meatloaf

But what is gravity, and where is its center usually located? Gravity, as defined by the internet is the tendency for objects to be pulled towards one another. We typically think of gravity when discussing stars and planets, but this natural phenomenon even effects people. Gravity is why you fall after jumping up to reach something on a high shelf instead of floating towards the ceiling like the astronauts in movies like the recent blockbuster Star Wars: Here Comes the Force Again.

The center of gravity is the point where the weight of the human body is most concentrated. The lower the center of gravity, the harder it is to topple something over. This is why a 5-foot-tall, 320 pounds NFL offensive guard is much harder to tackle than a 6-foot-tall ballerina who weighs a third as much.

As Belvidere chiropractor Frank Grimes saw more and more of his elderly patients falling down over the years, he struggled with his inability to help them. "I tried everything I could think of," Grimes explained. "At every visit I was discussing fall safety, urging them to follow basic prevention guidelines like keeping their shoes tied and clearing banana peels and loose marbles from all walkways but it wasn't helping. They were literally falling over like weird smelling human dominoes!"

Inspiration struck Dr. Grimes one day while watching a sumo wrestling match on the PBS Sports channel. He noticed that the wrestlers with lower centers of gravity were less likely to be thrown out of the ring and into the traditional Japanese pool of robotic electric eels. He immediately drove to his office workshop and got to work, forgetting to even notify the local authorities that he was leaving home after his court designated curfew.

Dr. Grimes developed a prototype for what would become the Gravity Stabilization System, or GSS, within a week. Testing started soon after. Though there were a few bumps and bruises along the way, and one out-of-court settlement on a wrongful death claim, he quickly had tens of anecdotes proving that the GSS worked. By his recollection, probably none of the elderly patients he has chosen to participate in case reports have fallen, and his work has even been featured in an advertising supplement to Online Publishing Module #5, 428: Gravity Based Chiropractic Interventions.

So far, despite glowing reviews from patients and an appearance on Belvidere Live! with Mayor Jenkins, the conventional medical establishment has yet to recognize the efforts of Dr. Grimes. But he isn't surprised. "All truth goes through three stages. Ridicule, violent opposition, and then acceptance. Galileo was assassinated when he challenged the King of England's beliefs on whether or not Pluto is a planet, but time has proven him to have been correct. It isn't a planet, not even close."

Dr. Grimes sees the GSS as his gift to humanity. In fact, he doesn't even charge his elderly patients for the device. That's a $200 value. But he cautions that although the decrease in fall risk is substantial, it isn't as simple as just putting on the GSS and reaping the benefits. "Any nerve interference, from a spinal misalignment to a minor leg length discrepancy, can reduce the system's effectiveness. Weekly spinal exams in my office are necessary to ensure that the nervous system is working at full capacity."

Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2016.....

Psychic Predictions for the Year 2016

by Brabara Bloodstone

Brabara Bloodstone, shown here ordering a pizza without the use of her psychic powers

Here we are at the start of a new year, and once again the world is looking to me for answers. Everyone is in a hurry to find out what is in store for them in the future. The fates of individual humans, governments, and even the planet itself have made themselves known to me using my special gift of psychic intuition, just like in 1942 when I thought I heard someone in the other room but it was just the television, but later that week there really was someone in the other room when my sister Gladys visited from Pittsburgh. 

This is the time of year for spiritual renewal, just as the Earth's magnetic aura balances itself in preparation for another trip around the Sun. Seeing the future allows me to shed my astral skin like a snake sheds its actual skin, and I emerge reinvigorated. Like the time I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I feared something terrible had happened that day, and it did, 34 years and 5 months later on 9/11.

Sadly, I can't always prevent the disasters, or aid the advances, that I see in my psychic visions. I am as much a passenger on the unseen currents of the river of time as everyone else. The only difference is that I can sense even the most subtle changes in the direction of its flow, like when I foretold the coming of Winter and the scourge of the White Walkers.

Here are my top twenty predictions for 2016:

Health and Medicine

1. The common cold will finally be conquered in 2016, not with antibiotics or a new vaccine but by using a gravitational device discovered during an excavation of the Egyptian pyramids. Suppressed by the pharmaceutical industry, the device will be placed in an unmarked box, one of thousands like it in a secret government warehouse.

2. The CDC and WHO will announce new guidelines for the diagnosis and management of fetal chronic fatigue syndrome. This will result in the next step in human evolution and, ultimately, the beginning of the end of the human race.

An infant born with fetal chronic fatigue syndrome despite aggressive prenatal interventions, shown here just seconds before being euthanized

3. Antibiotic resistance will continue to be a concern despite efforts to curb inappropriate use of the once life-saving medications. Patients will be forced to rely on the healing ways of ancient cultures and also modern unconventional approaches to treating infections, such as Quantum Healing and Robot-Assisted Reiki. Everyone will die.

4. A simple dietary modification will be shown to reduce the incidence of heart disease but will have a disastrous impact on global climate change because of a significant increase in the amount of methane and carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere. 

Culture and Society

5. Reality television programming will become increasingly popular. In order to satisfy the nation's voyeuristic lust, President Trump will sign an executive order removing all rights to privacy. Cameras will be installed in every home. As Summer draws to an end, the first gladiator style fights to the death will take place at federal prisons in order to satiate a desensitized public. 

6. The east wall of the Boston Globe headquarters will take home the Academy Award for Best Supporting Structure in a Motion Picture for its role in Spotlight.

The Oscar winning facade, shown here right before accepting a role in President Trump's biopic "He Built the Wall"

7. Kim Kardashian will begin to asexually reproduce by budding. Kanye will be consumed by her genetically identical clone offspring for his precious bone marrow and neural tissue so that they might live.

8. Marvel Studios will release its first pornographic superhero film. It will be the highest grossing superhero porn since Stan Lee's 1957 sex tape where he wore a Spider-Man costume with a hole in the crotch.

Sports and Recreation

9. The New England Patriots will once again win the Superbowl in 2016, narrowly defeating the New Orleans Saints, who despite not making the playoffs will reach the championship after all the other teams eat at a Chipotle.

10. What the hell is lacrosse?

What is going on? Is it me? It's not me, right? It makes no sense.

11. The newest outdoor hobby sweeping the nation in 2016 is the Virtual Outdoor Activity Generator. Millions of Americans will go camping, water skiing, and even rock climbing while receiving intravenous nutrition through a femoral line and pooping into an adult diaper.

12. Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Shane Peterson will win the Arthur Ashe Courage Award for his outspoken support of athletes suffering with ingrown toenails. 

The Environment

13. We will see a resurgence of wild fish populations once the tuna begin harvesting humans. 

A yellowfin tuna, photographed mere moments before decapitating a fisherman with its powerful caudal fin, thus beginning a bloody fight for survival between the scombrid and hominid families

14. The climate change tipping point, the exact moment when the interventions of man will no longer be enough to prevent our planet's steady transformation into a barren wasteland devoid of all life, will occur when Kansas dentist Grant Ritchey forgets to turn the lights off when closing the office on October 16th. 

15. Californians will stop whining about their drought as the Golden State slips violently into the Pacific ocean on April 23rd.

16. In December of 2016, a powerful coronal mass ejection from the Sun will wipe out all satellites and ground based communication capabilities on the Earth. Forced to rely on clumsy lead and ink based writing devices and pressed wood pulp, new laws will be enacted that make cursive illegal and the use of punctuation and full sentences punishable by death.

Politics

17. Although it will fail to win in the general election, the Dembot 3000, a last minute replacement for Hillary Clinton after she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future, will complete its mission and kill Rand Paul in order to prevent his great-granddaughter from building the Dembot 3000, thus saving Christmas.

Dembot 2000 "Hillary Clinton", shown here at the exact moment she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future when there is a malfunction in its voice modulator

Technology

18. Advances in smart home technology will result in the fully operational artificial intelligence programming that will control all aspects of day-to-day life by early Spring, meaning that the majority of children born in 2016 will never know life without the fear of being assimilated into the core processing matrix.

19. Disregarding all concerns of safety and ethics, Proctor and Gamble will introduce the Gillette Cosmos. The patented Quantaglide technology will involve coating each blade with a mixture of strangelets and microscopic black holes. The black holes will lift even the toughest beards away from the face, allowing contact with the strangelets. A catastrophic chain reaction will then occur that will utterly destroy each hair. 

Religion

20. The Vatican will be forced to reveal that Pope Francis is actually just three kids standing on each other's shoulders and wearing papal vestments. 

Toddler Tantrum to Continue Until Applesauce Demands Met.....

Pearland, TX-After a number of unsuccessful attempts at placating 3-year-old Timmy Watkins with a variety of toys, stuffed animals, and even a favorite episode of Dora the Explorer, a spokesperson for the Watkins family has announced this morning that the toddler's tantrum, thought by leading child psychologists to be applesauce related, is likely to continue.

Timmy Watkins, shown here soiling himself in protest of his parents draconian applesauce embargo.

Rhonda Sinclair, Timmy's International Toddler Union (ITU) representative, has been present for the duration of the fit. "My primary responsibility in these matters is to establish, wherever possible, a cooperative and reciprocal relationship between the two parties and to hopefully facilitate the settlement of complaints before they become formal grievances. But ultimately I am looking out for Timmy's best interests. And right now that is applesauce."

Family lawyer "Uncle" Carl Tuminello has been keeping the press updated throughout the conniption. "This could have been avoided folks. My clients entered discussions with Timmy early on in a good faith effort to defuse the situation and Timmy has been unreasonable in his demands. They are not going to budge on this. There will be absolutely no applesauce. The kitchen is closed, end of story."

ITU's Sinclair has made it clear that a strike is a possibility if Timmy is not granted at least a fruit cup. "It's an option we are considering. I don't think it will come down to a strike though. They seem like reasonable people who wouldn't want the guilt of a worldwide toddler meltdown on their conscience."

But Timmy's parents don't appear to be concerned, even as a local militia, formed by area toddlers armed with permanent markers and full diapers, gathers near the pool supply storage bin in the side yard. "A strike. They don't have the guts. Look, it's almost nap time, he's been up all morning screaming, and we benadryled his orange juice. This will all be over soon."

Experts Predict Post-Holiday Lull in War on Christmas.....

Manhasset, New York-With Christmas in the books and New Year's right around the corner, analysts are predicting that the long-running War on Christmas that has raged between those pushing a secular agenda in America, primarily atheists and communists, and upstanding Christian citizens, will soon start showing signs of abating.

General Maynard Tubbs, 17 confirmed kills in the Starbucks Cup offensive of 2015, shown here in a picture above this caption

Over the many years since the fighting began, January has been a time of regrouping and of rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States take advantage of the temporary ceasefire to shop at businesses such as Walmart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong holiday greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs.

"I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Bill O'Reilly explained. "Casualties are already down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, it is only a matter of time before proponents of the legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay dog weddings, and non-missionary position sexual intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation."

General Tom Flynn, leader of the secular military forces is looking forward to a lengthy lull in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for things to start back up around Thanksgiving. I can't say too much right now because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Skink Oil Will Revolutionize Your Health.....

Mitch Rangler
Fully apprenticed Nutritionologist, Presdent and CEO of The Health Patrol

If I asked you what is the healthiest oil on the market today, you'd probably say something stupid like olive oil or even avocado oil. But that's stupid. The newest, and most healthy oil on the planet today is skink oil. 

That's right, skink oil!

If you were to list all of the characteristics of the healthiest foods, what would make the top ten? High in monounsaturated Omega-3 fatty acid? Check. Low in amalgamated ash? Check. Green? Check. Skink oil has everything!

Skink oil has almost no amalgamated ash!

But before you get offended by the slaughtering of countless millions of skinks to harvest their sweet, precious bodily oils, let me reassure you. Producers of high quality organic skink oil, unlike the corporate labs that synthesize manufactured knockoffs, only use skinks naturally crushed by falling branches or the undigested remnants found in the feces of snakes and birds of prey. Skink oil is nature's gift to humanity!

Once a GPS tracker has been inserted into this Latvian River Skink's brain, it will be released into the wild and only harvested upon its natural death

What are the health benefits of skink oil? A better question would be what isn't a health benefit of skink oil! The answer is nothing. Nothing isn't a skink oil health benefit.

Skink oil has all the health benefits!

Now that you've seen the evidence for the miraculous health benefits that come from consuming and/or bathing daily in all-natural skink oil, I bet you're still wondering if it tastes good. Now I don't usually talk much about my father, on account of all the repressed memories and the decades of cognitive behavioral therapy it took to be able to leave the shed, but one thing he always told me was that if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Seriously, he said that!

He totally said that!

Skink oil is an exception to the wisdom passed down to me by father, who ultimately was murdered by my own hand one stormy night in the west Nebraska foothills. It isn't just the most amazing health supplement available on the internet, it is also delicious. And as if this wasn't enough, skink oil is also good for the planet because skinks are naturally bioreducible. 

Bioreducibility is the first step to bioredundancy!

In my upcoming The Health Patrol newsletter, I'll discuss cutting edge research into the amazing health benefits of skink oil and give readers access to my top ten favorite skink oil recipes. Want a copy? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $5 to room 11B. I'll get your copy in the mail as soon as our mimeograph machine in the basement is fixed!

Elf on the Shelf Only Witness to Horrific Double Homicide.....

Strang, NE- When police detectives surveyed the scene of a tragic double homicide and child abduction case that rocked the small town of Strang, Nebraska last week, they knew that time was of the essence. Every minute that passed without finding missing 3-year-old Gert McDonald decreased the likelihood that he would be found alive, if at all. The search for clues was exhaustive, as was the search for the kidnapped toddler.

Is Clancy the elf, shown here masturbating silently, just an innocent bystander or is he and all his kind nothing but sick perverts who like to watch?

For several days that search came up empty, until investigators decided to review pictures of the crime scene one final time. They were shocked to discover that they had missed one very important detail. On the shelf overlooking where most of Tim and Ronaldolina McDonald were discovered by Ronaldolina's personal trainer Sven at three o'clock that morning, was an Elf on the Shelf. 

"We knew the rules going into the interrogation," Lead investigator Shake Billings explained. "They can't be touched and they can't speak or move until everyone in the house is asleep. Their job is to watch and listen. But we weren't going to just sit there with little Gert still missing!"

But Clancy, the McDonald's Elf on the Shelf, followed those rules without any sign of budging and the detectives finally gave up. "We tried everything we could think of, even advanced techniques like hot cocoa boarding." Adding to the tragic nature of the crime was that Mr. McDonald had been scheduled to work overnight and shouldn't have even been there. Another mysterious aspect to this troubling case.

With Clancy refusing to cooperate, investigators still haven't given up on finding Gert and solving his parent's murders. Elves on Shelves, once adopted and given a name, receive the gift of Christmas magic and can fly to Santa's workshop each night to tell him about what happened that day. Billings is counting on this. "If that little spying bastard told Santa anything, we need to know. And I'll find that jolly son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

ACGME Fitbit App Allows Tracking of Residency Work Hours.....

Chicago, Il- The Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education (ACGME), a private, non-profit organization somehow responsible for the establishment and enforcement of accreditation requirements for medical residency and fellowship programs, has announced the development of an iPhone based application for use with the Fitbit activity tracker that will monitor and log work hours, procedures performed, and even Press Ganey patient satisfaction scores.

Generation 7 Robotic Compliance Officer "Rick", shown here managing the enforcement of the 16-hour intern maximum duty hour requirement with a legion of Generation 5 and 6 compliance officers.

"The ACGME takes its role in the development of reasonable policies and guidelines extremely seriously," Generation 7 Autonomous Robotic Compliance Enforcement Officer "Rick" explained. "My primary directive is to reduce resident and fellow fatigue, which plausibly might play a role in hospital medical errors, and to...Phase 2 information requires clearance, please state access code. You have ten seconds to comply."

The application, which will be mandatory for all residents and fellows, will also meter out appropriate punishment on both an individual and program level when infractions occur, which some residents aren't happy about. Mort Fishman MD, a pediatric resident planning to specialize in MOC compliance, is worried that use of the new Fitbit application will violate house staff privacy. "There isn't any evidence that work hour restrictions have improved patient safety and there is certainly no evidence that this new ACGME Fitbit app is...Rick, Rick is that you? But how? I can explain. Rick! No Rick! I can...please I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Rick!!!"